POA-who should it be?

[POAPITA]

Name changed for this.

Parent has full capacity. Physically disabled but is relatively independent but needs support and has a carer. Various health conditions but nothing serious or life threatening. In their 80s.

4 adult children:

1 works full time, married, has own health difficulties, adult children. Lives 6 miles away. Sees parent twice a month or so. Rings once a week sometimes less. No medical knowledge or awareness of parental finances.

2 works full time, married, spouse has several physical health problems and is awaiting surgery. Phones a few times a week. Regularly visits to do DIY type jobs, takes parent out for lunch/dinner about every 4-6 weeks. Lives 100 miles away. No knowledge of medical or financial situation.

1. Works full time, young adult child. Married. Phones weekly or so. Visits a few times a year. Last visited in the spring. Lives 200 miles away. No knowledge of medical or financial situation.

4 Full time carer for parent. Primary and teenage children, visits daily for general household tasks like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and phones twice a day or more for emotional and sometimes financial or practical support. Handles day to day finances. Attends medical appointments with parent, liaises with healthcare professionals and has healthcare background. Lives within walking distance. First port of call for support.

Who is best placed to have POA?

Why don't you have all 4 as joint and severally?

I don't think it should just be one person. Better to share the load.

There's a family rift between 3 of them There's a smaller rift between the ones who live furthest away too but children 1 and 3 don't have any contact with 4 which was 4's decision.

Obviously the parent decides who should have it! It’s not up to anyone else. If it’s offered it can be declined.

Parent doesn't want to upset anyone but has picked the one who lives 100 miles away. This might change but for now that's their choice.

Your parents have obviously made the decision not to make you POA for a reason- and they have made that decision with full mental capacity. Regardless that you are the main carer, they have decided to chose a sibling you're no contact with. You'd have to ask them their reasoning if it's bothering you. Or step back from everything if it's going to upset you.

I assume you're no. 4, OP? And you think it should be you?

However, the parent has obviously made a different choice, so perhaps they would summarise the options a little differently. Regardless, you have to respect their choice. You might decide that you no longer wish to be involved to the same extent, and that would be understandable, but it's still the parent's choice. Unless you have reason for thinking that they're making that decision under duress, there isn't much you can do.

I think it would be much better to appoint more than one PoA in any case.

I assume you're 4.
For many reasons I would say 4, but having been the sibling that lived away, whilst not being physically closest but was emotionally closest I think it's tricky. I havnt got to the stage of poa but I imagine your parents have done it for a reason?

Obvious choice is number 4. Knows care routine and finances, lives near.

My mum tried to appoint both myself and my cousin as her POA, but was told then all decisions must be in joint agreement (in person I think?), rather than either of us, or having one as a back up. That would not be practical for cousin as he works and lives further away, so just went with me.

So if you want all 4 as joint POA, I would check the practicality of that when decisions need to be made if you live so far apart.

Appointing all 4 is stupid. The one with POA is going to have to get to know the finances! And set up the poa. They wilL have to get involved. However it’s mostly on line. I also don’t see it as a big deal. They might not want to do it of course. I have poa for DM and after getting it set up, it’s not very onerous.

The bigger issues would be when it comes to a care home decision.

Im the one whose handy for DM but I’m more hands off than you. I don’t phone twice a day. Why? What on earth do you talk about? If your parent needs care, get them to pay for a career with their attendance allowance. Get ready meals and teach them to use the microwave. It’s not entirely fair to your own family that you do all of this. Your parents need to think about your life too. So I would start making changes. They are using you.

Child 2 has been chosen. How does that affect child 4's every day care giving in terms of finances? Will 4 have t

Sorry, will 4 have to run all things through 2? I don't see how that's practical. Same with health care needs. 4 has the same GP and dentist and physio as the parent. Shopping is done online and locally. 4 collects prescriptions and reorders them.

There is an appointment at a solicitors on Monday to sort everything. Only the chosen POA and parent is going.

Poa for health only applies when your dm loses capacity, it would be better if you and 2 share the responsibility or at least you become a person to be informed of decisions. It wont change your day to say care at the moment as mum still has capacity. If she does lose that and she needs care decisions made on her behalf then 2 will be left making plans and decisions, does 2 understand that or would they prefer to share the load with you. If mum has to move into care without capacity you wont need to look after her, if she stays home without capacity would you want and be able to continue being her main carer. 2 may not want to end up doing everything and may ask for you to make joint decisions as you have health experience.
Its the same with finances, there is a section in the poa form which mum can sign over responsibility for her finances either now or if she loses capacity, if she chooses the latter nothing needs to change at the moment.
Is your mum happy with things as they are at the moment, would she consider getting help from social services, are you her only carer, what happens if you are unwell or on holiday.

This

That’s fine just remind your parents that you will now no longer be able to do any of the house admin, banking, shopping with their card, arranging medical appointments and inform sibling that they will now be in charge of all of this.

I thought 2 was best suited if I’m being honest and 4 shouldn’t stop helping just because they aren’t poa it changes nothing in my eyes

They wont be in charge until mum loses capacity. OP, do you want to be poa or be responsible for mum in the future.

2 works 12 hour days with a significant commute and visits every 4-6 weeks for a few hours and is tied to the spouses needs on weekends so isn't very available and lives in a place often adversely affected by bad weather and would struggle to get to parent if needed.

In terms of holidays or illness, there's no one else so parent struggles. Everyone has their own lives and are busy. Social services have been useless in the past and the carers provided were a waste of time.

As tough as it may be hand over all responsibilities to the dc your dm has chosen.

Likely it won't work out and you will be recalled. Until then enjoy your lack of responsibility.

There is no reason why you cannot just continue as you are, nothing needs
changing unless mum loses capacity then either she stays at home or moves into care.

Ideally all 4 should have PoA jointly and severally such that each can make decisions individually (no need for consensus).

Is this POA for health or for finance? they are separate. it could also make sense for 4 to have POA for health and 2 for finance.

If you (4) are in contact with 2 and on good terms, then this could be split between you.

Have you had a frank conversation with your parents regarding why you think it should be you and they don't?

1 and 3 have discussed this amongst themselves and decided it should be 2. 1 and 2 then discussed with parent and decided it would be 2. 4 was not involved and has been told to speak to 2 about it.

Parent doesn't want to discuss it.