Can I report rape without wanting to go to court?

[AllChange2022]

I'm pursuing DV injunction against ex H, for the safety of my children.

I’ve reported everything related to the children but not to me. h raped me last year and I didn't report it. I'm afraid to because I don't want the DC's Dad to be put on the sex offenders register. He's a medic and does a brilliant job, and it was only because he's used to being so controlling around me it spilled over to coercion with sex too.

But I didn't want to and he still persisted. I'm not sure if I should say or not, and like so say, I want him to seek help but not to be put on a sex offender's register or lose his job. He's not a stereotypical rapist that way.

But the police said they may take it further if I tell them what happened, even if I don't want to. That scares me. I can't face going to court over that. The other stuff yeah, but not that.

Does anyone know what would happen to him if I went ahead and added it to my list of DV incidents? And especially if there's no proof other than marriage counsellor records and a voice recording of our discussion of it at a later date. I don't want it to go further, I don't want it to go to court, but I do want him to get help so he's the best Dad he can be for the DC.

Sorry, can’t answer your question, but he’s a rapist, a criminal. He could do it to his next wife or girlfriend, or anyone else he wants to control - it’s part of who he is. It’s hard to believe he’s Mr Perfect in his professional life and could be a good father.

I can understand you not wanting to face going to court over this, but I can’t understand you being so keen to protect his career. And given his extreme controlling behaviour towards you plus DV and rape, I can’t understand why you want him to have a relationship with the children.

Sorry this has happened to you

Because the dc love him and when he's nice they benefit from that. I think like any bully, if he's stopped in his tracks by a bigger force then you find they're a coward actually, and I would rather the dc still have access to the nicer parts of him than not at all. He is their flesh and blood after all. It's also after 10 years of marriage and this not happening before.

I think I still can't really comprehend it and feel like I must have not made it clear. I didn't try to shout or run, I let him do it.

Someone like this should NOT be working as a medic.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.
On top of everything else.
Have you spoken to womens aid or rape crisis who should be able to give you a more informed stance on what will happen and how to navigate it in a way that feels more manageable to consider. I can empathise that it must feel awful to see the decision as yours. But really it is his responsibility. He committed a violent act it has consequences. It is not your job to keep secrets. You need to work out what feels right for you and what is manageable for you when you start to build the life you want

He is absolutely a stereotypical rapist, in that he is a man who continues to have sex with a woman who he knows is not consenting. That’s a stereotypical rapist.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Please put his welfare, his job, his everything out of your mind when you work out what to do. He’s made his choices and now he deserves to endure the consequences of those choices, whatever they might turn out to be.

You say that the DC benefit from his being nice “when he’s nice”. What happens when he’s not nice?

I'm so sorry this happened op, my exh also raped me and I understand not wanting to report it as I also haven't done so either, and I'm scared of the repercussions. I have told my solicitor that he raped me though and he still has contact with ds, as unless he is a danger to ds then I can't stop contact. However It does sound as though you are still trauma bounded to him, you really shouldn't care about someone's job if they have hurt you but the abuse he has put you through makes you see otherwise. I will eventually one day when I'm ready report my exh. Look up narcissistic abuse and it will open your eyes to what he really is. Sending you lots of love op.

When he's not nice I jump in to protect them, which is why, when I spoke to my divorce lawyer about being worried about shared custody, he sent me to DA support.

DA sent me to the police to do a statement for the non-mol order in relation to the safety of the children if they have to visit overnight and don't want to, and the police noticed I had written in my notes sexual abuse but I'd removed the content before showing them details.

I’ve got enough to secure the non-mol order and feel bad enough about that. The DC want to keep contact with him and I can see why; when he's nice he's delightful. It's so sad.

And I'm convinced he wouldn't do that to anyone else. After 10 years of marriage it was a first. That's what makes it so difficult to get my head around.

@Iseeyoulookingatme

I'm so sorry this happened op, my exh also raped me and I understand not wanting to report it as I also haven't done so either, and I'm scared of the repercussions. I have told my solicitor that he raped me though and he still has contact with ds, as unless he is a danger to ds then I can't stop contact. However It does sound as though you are still trauma bounded to him, you really shouldn't care about someone's job if they have hurt you but the abuse he has put you through makes you see otherwise. I will eventually one day when I'm ready report my exh. Look up narcissistic abuse and it will open your eyes to what he really is. Sending you lots of love op.

Thank you and I'm so sorry you went through this. I completely get why you didn't want to pursue it. I was never going to be they sort of person but it's just not black and white. And it seems so extreme to make it official like that.

Well. As a patient, I'd really rather not be treated by a doctor who's a rapist. I don't care how charming he is.

“But I didn't want to and he still persisted. I'm not sure if I should say or not, and like so say, I want him to seek help but not to be put on a sex offender's register or lose his job. He's not a stereotypical rapist that way.”

I said and thought this about my rapist.

“I feel like I must have not made it clear”

And this.
I only believed otherwise after I found out he did it to someone else. She tried to kill herself as a result. I carry that.

But, to answer your question, the decision whether to prosecute would rest with CPS. It’s quite possible it may not go to court.
My case only got that far because there were 2 of us.

I am sorry my love but he’s a rapist.
Your children’s father is a rapist.
It’s nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do and how charming he is and what job he does is irrelevant, he’s a rapist.
He may not be prosecuted because it’s hard to prove but it’s what he is

I also don’t want to be treated by a Rapist.

And actually, he is like MOST rapists - they’re not random monsters that jump out from an alleyway - they’re men that we know that rape us.

I’m a cop. The chances of it going to court without your willingness to testify is very low, if you report it there will be a police crime report. They need you to make a statement to have a chance of taking it to court.
All you need to do is tell the police he raped you, an approx date. That’s it, they have a duty to record it, but without any details from you they would struggle to even arrest him.

Whilst I understand with at other posters are saying, you need to do what’s right for you.

@ladygoingGaga thank you for your response.

If they completed a crime report, would he know. Would he be interviewed? And is there only a chance of h going on the sex register if he's convicted?

The proof I have is a voice recording where he admitted it and threw differ marriage therapists where it was discussed and presumably they made notes from a session like that. One therapist in particular wants to report him and would happily add their thoughts. But no physical proof. It was gage then that proof, would it even count? One therapist felt that he could say he realised and apologised after, and if he claimed that, would be get away with it?

Given the conviction rate it seems so unlikely he would be pulled up for this.

They would interview him if they have evidence to put to him, if all you say is I was raped between these dates by my husband, then unlikely.
If you tell them the detail in a written statement or in a video interview and tell them the witness details and give them the recording then yes he would be interviewed

This comes down to what you want to do,

When you say sex register, the only one we have is for those convicted of offences against children, they get placed on the registered sex offender list.

He's a medic and does a brilliant job, and it was only because he's used to being so controlling around me it spilled over to coercion with sex too.

I'm so sorry you've been through this but he's not brilliant, he's a rapist and a danger to his patients. He should not be around anyone in a vulnerable position. He is absolutely a 'stereotypical' rapist and you're doing yourself no favours lying to yourself. Report it, what happens after that is on him.

@ladygoingGaga

They would interview him if they have evidence to put to him, if all you say is I was raped between these dates by my husband, then unlikely. If you tell them the detail in a written statement or in a video interview and tell them the witness details and give them the recording then yes he would be interviewed

This comes down to what you want to do,

When you say sex register, the only one we have is for those convicted of offences against children, they get placed on the registered sex offender list.

This shows how embarrassingly naive I am - I thought you go on asked register if you've raped an adult too.

Thanks for clarifying that.

I am so torn with what to do.

My autocorrect is playing havoc since the last update!

I obviously mean sex register.

The brutally honest answer is that the conviction rate for rape is so pathetically low that without you willingly pursuing the case against him there is zero chance he will be convicted. He might be charged, but he’ll be bailed and then eventually charges will be dropped.

However, the thing that stands out most from your list is your feeling of responsibility to protect him. Why? You think protecting a man who would do this to the mother of his children will benefit your children? You’re wrong.

It sounds like you would really benefit from doing the freedom programme or some other therapeutic support to help you see the real dynamics at play here. This guy isn’t a good father of he is coercive and abusive to you, their mother.

Rapists aren’t all knife-wielding strangers in a dark alley. The vast majority are ‘family men’ or otherwise seemingly ‘good guys’. Except they’re not, are they?

List = post

@TheFive

The brutally honest answer is that the conviction rate for rape is so pathetically low that without you willingly pursuing the case against him there is zero chance he will be convicted. He might be charged, but he’ll be bailed and then eventually charges will be dropped.

However, the thing that stands out most from your list is your feeling of responsibility to protect him. Why? You think protecting a man who would do this to the mother of his children will benefit your children? You’re wrong.

It sounds like you would really benefit from doing the freedom programme or some other therapeutic support to help you see the real dynamics at play here. This guy isn’t a good father of he is coercive and abusive to you, their mother.

Rapists aren’t all knife-wielding strangers in a dark alley. The vast majority are ‘family men’ or otherwise seemingly ‘good guys’. Except they’re not, are they?

For clarity, over 70% of cases that reach court result in a conviction. The much quoted 6% figure is the proportion of reported rapes that result in a conviction for rape. Most cases never get to court, the single most common reason being the complainant withdrawing their complaint.

In this case, given the information the OP has shared, it seems highly unlikely a prosecution would proceed without her co-operation. But I am with those who say she should stop protecting him and report it.

I will admit I do come from a background they normalises this sort of thing and blames the women. But I just find this so hard to comprehend and accept.

I still feel like rapists are dirty drop-outs who don't really fit into society, or filthy rich overindulgent men who think they're gods and can have any woman they want. My ex doesn't fit into either category I’ve got in my head and I'm having trouble seeing him as anything other than a narcissistic, difficult person who got used to badgering me and I got used to being badgered and didn't complain, until this once, when I felt I made it clearer I wasn't up for it and he went ahead then apologised the next day and said that wasn't right and when will never do that again. We were on the bloody family holiday and hadn't had sex all week, it's not like we weren't even due to any day now, if you see what I mean. And what makes it worse is I have an illness that has meant I’ve been, let's say, 'open for business' when I can't climax or enjoy it like I want to because I'm too ill, but I’ve made myself available and joined in as much as I could, for the sake of the marriage. That's what I mean by me training him that it's okay to do it when I'm not going to be all that capable in terms of orgasm or even energetic participation.

I have to say I don't blame women, not at all, and it grieves me people control each other both sexually and psychologically.

But it's hard to come away from that viewpoint for myself. One rule for other women and another rule for me, and especially in my very confusing set up with my debilitating illness.

And to make matters worse, I probably confused him because I didn't mind all that much, until that one time it felt he really overstepped the mark.