Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Not on rental agreement can I make him leave?

104 replies

MollysDolly · 11/12/2021 09:28

StbExDH is refusing to leave the house.

He's been abusive long term. I tried. I can't stomach any more.

His current thing is now to boast of all the shags he'll be having, while living here because "there's nothing I can do about it" lots of sneering in my face "you going to make me leave?" etc. I'm tired of the children seeing this as their "role model".

He's not on the rental agreement. We have not yet started divorce proceedings.

Is there anything I can do? I'm not involving police, I can't prove a thing, and it will just make him act like a massive bastard (even more so) in the divorce. I'm not upset or affected by his behaviour, it's like white noise. I just want to know how to get him out.

OP posts:
Yuledo · 11/12/2021 12:01

I think your parents need to issue a section something or other and then the tenancy can be legally terminated and a new tenancy created after you are officially separated. Only if he refuses to move out then, will it need to go through the courts as an actual eviction.
But this will impact on him finding a new rental. Can you use this as leverage?

Thefuturestory · 11/12/2021 12:01

Occupation orders. They aren’t expensive.

MrMrsJones · 11/12/2021 12:01

He gets away with his abuse

He will only pay you the minimum mantainace away, is it worth it.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/12/2021 12:05

He can choose to make your life a misery anyway - whether you publicly shame or have him arrested

He could Chuck his job in at any point and not give you a penny.

You have no control over his behaviour- so you need to prioritise what's right for you.

You need him out.

Thefuturestory · 11/12/2021 12:23

The idea of ending the tenancy is a very long way of doing it. He could choose not to leave and your parents would end up having to go for a possession order and bailiffs. Expensive.

Occupation order much cheaper. Apply for a non mol too. These are civil orders not criminal so won’t affect his job

Original poster
MollysDolly · 11/12/2021 12:24

@LaurieFairyCake

He can choose to make your life a misery anyway - whether you publicly shame or have him arrested

He could Chuck his job in at any point and not give you a penny.

You have no control over his behaviour- so you need to prioritise what's right for you.

You need him out.

Sorry. You don't know the guy.

His life is his image. He will never ever leave his glorious man job, it defines him. And now he can't look for an alternative, it's not like I don't know where he'll always be, because he has no choice to keep up his image. He will cut both his arms off before he loses his status. I've already got my CMS calculation.

I know I need him out. Police and causing him to be jobless is just shooting myself in the foot, and leading an already nasty man to come looking for revenge.

I can't afford an order, are they complicated to do yourself?

OP posts:
Thefuturestory · 11/12/2021 12:27

Think they are both free.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation

Original poster
MollysDolly · 11/12/2021 12:30

Not the non molestation order. I've had one of those drafted. His profession would know about it and it's classed as unacceptable conduct for members of that profession and he'd be sacked immediately.

The occupation order. Are they easy to do yourself?

OP posts:
Clymene · 11/12/2021 13:11

No, we don't know him.

I do know though that you will never be free while you allow him to control things. He will just continue to escalate to see how far he can push things before you react.

In the long run, your strategy will destroy you

Original poster
MollysDolly · 11/12/2021 13:26

@Clymene

No, we don't know him.

I do know though that you will never be free while you allow him to control things. He will just continue to escalate to see how far he can push things before you react.

In the long run, your strategy will destroy you

How exactly?

I can get him out in a couple of months with one of these occupation orders. If I had two burly brothers, they'd be hauling him out as we speak. But I don't. It's just me.

Or I can get the police to remove him, he loses his job, the children and I will be surviving on just benefits, losing around £200k of maintenance as he can't get the job he loses ever again, and he will be seeking to cause me as much serious harm as possible.

Sorry but posters like you piss me off. Like on the relationship boards, everyone triping out "LTB", when the poster's got no income, young children to look after, yet all they should be thinking of is their moral victory. Never mind the children go straight into poverty, she can't afford the roof over their heads, or that she opens up a much worse and more dangerous scenario by just bolting or having him removed.

They all type LTB, tonight! Like hell they'd be doing that if it were themselves.

This is about getting him out in the fastest way possible whilst also thinking about the next 16yrs of how I will live and raise the children, and not putting us in danger or poverty for the rest of their childhood, but that's all ok to do because I righteously got him marched out today.

OP posts:
RoseRedRoseBlue · 11/12/2021 13:28

@MrMrsJones

It's domestic abuse

I would contact the police and they will take you seriously, get him removed

I second this.
Original poster
MollysDolly · 11/12/2021 13:34

This is getting tedious.

Is anyone actually going to read the thread. I've done all that. It is not possible to do it now, as I will lose £200k of child maintenance, and have someone out to seriously harm me. Please if you can't understand how significant that is, don't waste the thread on this stupid suggestion, which costs me so much in every sense, all for what, the meagre benefit that's he's gone 6 weeks faster than using a different method. Good plan.

What would be helpful is if anyone can come up with a faster way of getting an occupation order pushed through?

OP posts:
Double3xposure · 11/12/2021 13:36

No one said anything about a moral victory.

It’s just that people are rather skeptical of your plan to never do anything that will piss him off.

And that if you don’t piss him off, he will give you £200k of maintenance.

There are many many ways for a clever vindictive men to avoid child support - I’m sure there’s plenty forums online giving them tips.

Attacking posters who are trying to help you isn’t going to get you very far. You don’t have to agree with every post but can at least be polite.

Clymene · 11/12/2021 13:42

I'm sorry I've pissed you off. I can understand what a desperate position you're in. But you're negotiating with an abusive manipulative man and that will not, cannot ever work. Because he will always, always want to win.

It's not about a moral victory. It's about coming to terms with the fact that there is no way you're going to get out of this and he will leave you alone and just quietly pay you lots of maintenance. Men like this just don't work like this.

I'll bow out now as I can see you aren't ready to hear that. Good luck.

PicsInRed · 11/12/2021 13:44

OP, I can appreciate your frustration, but a man like this can and will restructure his earnings and pension contributions to avoid a massive chunk of that £200k child support you are anticipating.

These women are speaking from experience.

If one in the hand is better than two in the bush, your safety and the sole possession of your parents' house is "one in the hand", and that £200k is very assuredly "in the bush".

I too would go for the occupation order.

Further, from experience, worrying about his career and ability to work and therefore not involving the police when I had the chance is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Don't let it be so for you.

Flowers
Original poster
MollysDolly · 11/12/2021 13:47

Sorry, where am I planning to never piss him off?

Is that what you call having the police remove you from your "home" and losing your 20yr career. Merely pissing someone off?

And this "never". It's 6 weeks.

My child maintenance comes direct from his employer. So no, it's not about playing a good girl so he chooses to let me have it. I get it regardless.

If. He. Has. The. Job.

I'm only going to repeat myself a number of times why something isn't an option through the poverty and danger it will put me and the children in. If people want to be rude and ignore that, responses are simply in the same manner.

OP posts:
ManchesterTartwithCustard · 11/12/2021 13:48

Do you have an ASTA? Could you get your parents to serve a Section 21 notice on you? That would give you 2 months notice that they want posession of their property. This is risky because he might not leave at the 2 months so he would presumably then be a squater. Your parents would then re let to you on a new tenancy agreement. (Locks changed)
Seek advice fron Shelter and Womens Aid

SeaToSki · 11/12/2021 13:53

I found this

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

It covers non mol and occupation orders. It looks like you can do it yourself, you can add a high speed (emergency) clause and it might all happen ‘on paper’ so that you dont have to see him in court. It also looks like its free (but I dont know that for sure)

Theunamedcat · 11/12/2021 13:54

Are you claiming child maintenance now? While he is living with you?

RoseRedRoseBlue · 11/12/2021 13:55

OP, you have opened this thread with a question. People are therefore answering. Everytime someone offers a suggestion, you vetoe it.

SeaToSki · 11/12/2021 13:57

And I would record some of what he says to you in private, and then transcribe it word for word and date it and save it. Also the ring doorbell footage is a good idea. Build your ammunition, you dont have to use it…you might be able to achieve your peace without it…but you will also have it to share with a lawyer and a judge if you need to

VanCleefArpels · 11/12/2021 13:59

Wouldn’t a threat to involve police etc so that he’d lose his career be an incentive for him to leave? And as others have said you are not responsible for his choices or his career and you can never guarantee how much maintenance you might get - either due to his machinations or something like illness or even death. You need to plan on being financially independent - claim benefits and/or work eventually as your family circumstances permit.

Your best and only option is to get the occupation order - stop putting his needs first!

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 14:00

Can you and the DC move out somewhere while your parents evict him?
You could of course end the tenancy then start a new one the next day but he could equally refuse to leave and take you to court claiming you are making him homeless through circumventing the law and he would be right. Sounds like he's clued up, sadly.
It will take a long time to evict him. However if you and the DC weren't living there would he get bored and give up?

BeyondShrinks · 11/12/2021 14:00

I've been in so exactly your position, that I actually checked the date on the OP to see if it was my own thread!

My advice - from years down the line, now - is to lodge a complaint for DV. I didn't, for the same reason as you, I was mentally relying on the future maintenance. Except my ex then walked out of his job and went on the sick for years, moving in with a girlfriend who had a good job so (intentionally imo) he didn't have to pay me maintenance from the dole either.

Please don't leave yourself stuck in an abusive situation now for future promise of money. An abusive man will do anything in his power to not give you that money.

CorrBlimeyGG · 11/12/2021 14:03

What is going to happen in six weeks? An eviction will take far longer than that if he doesn't want to leave.