Emergency prohibited steps order - changing schools

[confused45678]

Morning folks. My ex and I split 4.5 years ago. In Feb this year a child arrangement order was granted whereby our child (nearly 10 years old) lives with me and sees their dad every other weekend.
I offered more time, overnights in the week, our for tea in the week. He declined, and said this to CAFCASS for their section 7.

Since then our child gets upset every other weekend when coming home because they know they won't see their dad for another 2 weeks. I've tried and tried and tried to have him come down regularly in the week but he tries once and doesn't do it again. He's never done parents evenings, sports days, being off when they're poorly, dentist, doctors etc.

He's said to our child that if they want to see him more then they'll have to come and live with him, that's the only way he can see them more.

The last few months have become completely untenable, child wants to go live with dad because she knows its the only way they can go and see him more often than 4 days a month. They've been so angry, lashing out, crying, shouting that dad doesn't care about them etc. It's gotten so bad that last week I said if she wants to try living with her dad then fine, I can't think of any other way to help and it breaks my heart seeing the anger and the tears all the time. I love my child more than anyone in the world.

We recently bought a house in August and my child started at the local school, in year 5. They've had a great first parents evening, settled well. When they went to stop with her dad he'd told her them they have to move schools, my child said to me they don't want to as they like the current school. They have to go to breakfast club or afterschool club because there are family in the village to pick them up every day. They would be in wrap around care if they moved schools. I believe they've probably now been convinced to move schools as dad's neighbours child goes to one near her dad's house and they're friends, even though they won't be in the same year.

I appreciate this was very long. Sorry. My question is she's just got settled at a new school, would I be eligible for an emergency prohibited steps order? He has already applied with the LA to move her to one local to him (we live 10 miles apart). I'm nervous that if I apply for a regular prohibited steps, the move will go ahead and the court won't want to change her schools back. 2 school moves in 8 weeks seems awful on our child, even if she doesn't yet realise the implications!

I should also add on reflection, having been very emotional by all this, that I think if she wants to see her dad more I'd like to try week on/week off 50/50 residency. He doesn't want this.
In the section 7 report last time I did explain the emotional and other abuse I faced with my ex, but obviously as this didn't involve the child it wasn't taken into account.

He sounds absolutely awful. I wouldn't allow the children to move in with him as he doesn't seem to have their best interests at heart and no way would they be moving schools.
Frequent school moving is a massive red flag for schools too.

I agreed out of frustration because I know how much the child misses him, and him having said "the only way I'll see you more is if you live with me" they're so confused. This happened late last week and I've been heartbroken the entire time. I was just trying to do what's best for for my child.

I was hoping to find out if I could apply for an emergency, without notice order in this instance, or whether I'd have to apply normally and do the whole months long process, by which point they probably won't want to move them back to their current school? I'm just at a loss. I'm trying to do what's right for the child but I'm completely broken right now. Dads was also the fun house, no rules, weekend fun etc, mine was rules, bedtimes, getting up for school, homework etc.

It sounds like moving in with Dad is not a great move, and you think it will be unlikely to last. The current arrangements mean you do not have to agree to this. At 14 or 15, I would absolutely let the child decide. At 9? Not so much.

So...you could say no and seek counselling to help your child deal with Dad being an arse.

But you sound decided on this approach. So you should certainly fight a school move. A sensible approach would be to stay in the same school for a term/remainder of the school year to be sure the move to Dad 'takes'. Then swap for Y6 or at secondary.

Courts dislike school moves. You are probably on solid ground protesting this.

Thanks. I definitely don't want them to live there, I just felt like I had nowhere to turn - they was so angry all the time because contact was only every 2 weeks. And when you're fighting what the other side are telling them it's difficult. Especially now knowing in a section 7 they'd probably say they wanted to live with their dad because they know deep down it's the only way he'll do more contact.

Does anyone know if this constitutes an emergency order or do I have to follow the normal steps and risk the school move going ahead in the mean time?

You do realise that you letting your child decide is what's making her so unsettled? She wants what she doesn't have, and the minute she has it, she'll want what she currently has, because you're her main parent, the steady one, the one that has always been there. She's got a rosy view of being at her father's for a night or two a fortnight and thinks it'll be like that all the time.

It won't.

It's up to you to break the reality to her. The court already made a decision; she needs to live with you and spend time with the man who is too flaky to get off his arse to see her during the week because it doesn't suit HIM. His actions are controlling. Why are you allowing him to do this to her? It's entirely within your control to stop this. You may not have been able to stop him abusing you when you were with him, but you can certainly stop him from abusing her now.

Don't change her school and don't change her home. Tell him you've changed your mind and he'll see her on the alternate weekend.

Get her some family therapy - maybe her father will engage with that and see what his refusal to make time to spend with her once in the alternate week is doing.

And the pronouns?

Thank you for your comments.
Are you a family lawyer? If so, I would be happy to pay for advice if you would take me on as a client?

He only lives 10 miles away you say, why on earth can't he see her more often, what's his excuse? This is another mind game on his part and seems to be working well as far as your DD is concerned.

I'd be doing everything possible to put a stop to this and if necessary reducing the contact even more if it causes this much distress to her. You know he's abusive, what on earth is he telling her to make her so distressed?

Honestly I don't know, I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Like a previous poster said, she wants what she hasn't had before and I've been very nervous that if he took it back to court after less than a year of me having this order that they'll ask her what she wants and just go with it.

I would feel tempted to call his bluff and tell him DD is moving to live with him FT and attending the new school.

He is just saying he can’t see her because of the current situation because it is easier to pass the blame than tell his own child he is not interested. I bet the moment you let him have his way, he will no longer be interested in any kind of contact because this is not about the child but about screwing you up.

It sounds like your child is confused as her Father is withholding contact (which is time/affection etc in a child's mind) unless they live with him. He lives 10 miles away, there's absolutely no excuse for not seeing his child more. He's putting the blame on his child, and the responsibility which is what is causing all the distress you're seeing come out in their behavior. There's a word for this, it's called ''manipulation''.

Counselling seems like a good idea to help manage these feelings and the overall poor relationship with her Father.

I would be fighting tooth and nail to stop my DC going to live with this man. He sounds very manipulative and damaging and like he doesn't have her best interests at heart (actually he doesn't seem to be thinking about her interests in this at all). I would be taking this issue to court, yes. You can try and apply for emergency prohibitive steps, maybe get some advice from domestic abuse services. It is well known now that abusers use the court system and children to continue to abuse their ex partners. I think that if he is showing unwilling to do anything about increasing contact before this (as he told section 7 social worker so this is documented) and he doesn't care about disrupting her schooling, then he would be on very shaky ground to say that he is doing this for the right reasons.

I think you should be fighting to keep her in her school and with you and accepting that this is her dad, she loves him but he’s a shit dad. He won’t get more time from court if you have evidence of offering him lots of contact and him refusing it! I’m afraid I don’t know re the prohibited steps order but looking it up is the right move.

Why was a s7 report ordered?
This is not normally required unless there are safeguarding or abuse issues so there’s more to this than you’re letting on

@TheLastSpookyBakedBeanSaysBoo

I would be fighting tooth and nail to stop my DC going to live with this man. He sounds very manipulative and damaging and like he doesn't have her best interests at heart (actually he doesn't seem to be thinking about her interests in this at all). I would be taking this issue to court, yes. You can try and apply for emergency prohibitive steps, maybe get some advice from domestic abuse services. It is well known now that abusers use the court system and children to continue to abuse their ex partners. I think that if he is showing unwilling to do anything about increasing contact before this (as he told section 7 social worker so this is documented) and he doesn't care about disrupting her schooling, then he would be on very shaky ground to say that he is doing this for the right reasons.

Thank you. I would hope so too, as you said he's been unwilling to increase contact. He's told her before its all or nothing. But shes so confused right now I'm very scared that if she told cafcass she wanted to live with him then they'd rule in his favour. I have applied for an emergency prohibited steps order to stop the school change, and I'll be picking her up from school and saying I want to continue with the court order we currently have. I'm just petrified because she'll hate me, she thinks this is what she wants but she's only 9. And I'm also nervous because to everyone else he comes across as this lovely guy, says the right thing, says "he just wants whats best for the child" etc I just can't understand why professionals believe him. Last time our child told cafcass she wanted to live with me and see him at weekends and for evening contact a few times a week, obviously he didn't want the weekday contact, but if she says she wants to live with him this time they might go with it.

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

Why was a s7 report ordered? This is not normally required unless there are safeguarding or abuse issues so there’s more to this than you’re letting on

They'd asked on their initial phone call with me whether he had ever been abusive to me. I'd mentioned a few things and a section 7 was ordered, even though in the end they didn't really care about any of it because it was against me, not the child.

Do you mean if we went to court again potentially there wouldn't be another section 7?

Minor point but it's very confusing that you keep referring to your child as "they" and "them", you have also mentioned "she" and "her" so I assume she's a girl, so why the attempt to keep it neutral, I don't know.

Anyway. Firstly I think you need proper legal advice. The Rights of Women family law helpline is a good place to start. Child Law Advice have a helpline and callback service too. If you're on a low income and you ever reported his abuse (to GP? Women's Aid? Social services? Police?) you might be able to get legal aid. Lastly your local Citizens Advice should be able to signpost you to free/low cost options for legal advice near you.

Secondly, your daughter is 9. She doesn't get to decide who she lives with and which school she goes to. You need to be kind but firm with her about it. Tell your ex in writing (letter or email) that you are willing to discuss contact arrangements directly or via mediation but that he must stop telling your daughter that she can only see him more if she lives with him, because it's causing her emotional distress.

You are entirely wrong when you say that his abuse of you doesn't affect her. In any case, he is abusing her too with his manipulation. I would advise you to call the NSPCC helpline for advise on protecting her from him and his toxic "parenting".

Justanotherlawyer2 that is very good advice and that is just what I was thinking. Your child is too young to make these decisions. I certainly wouldn't contemplate a school move. Milkytwilight have you had a name change fail?

Yes they did take her opinion into account last time, but there is no good reason to take this back to court is there? It's not like things have broken down in your relationship with her or that school is going terribly or anything like that. He can take it back to court, of course, but if there's no reason to undermine or change the arrangement other than a 9 year olds opinion the court will know that 9 year olds can change their mind for fickle reasons (or when coerced) and that it is not in their best interests to radically change their home and school environments to accommodate a change of mind that is likely to reverse again just as quickly. They will want to see that there is a proper commitment from Dad, for one thing, and that your daughter has adequate reasons beyond "more time with daddy" and "more time watching Screens." I would see if there's any emotional support you can get for her through a counsellor or through the school. Anyone who works with children will be advising the least possible disruption for a child, so just go with that. Instead of making it about why your home environment or parenting style is better than his, I would come from the perspective that you want what's best for your child and that that is continuity at home and school, stability in that the arrangement doesn't keep changing and boundaries such as your DD not being the one who gets to make adult decisions, but that the adult decisions should be made between the parents (and court system) not through her personally. He has gone about this all the wrong way if he really does want her to live with him full time, but I am sceptical of his motives, I think he is just trying to fuck with you, tbh. Just to Remind you that he can rip the foundations it from under you at any moment, that he gets to always ruin your peace and happiness. That seems to be all the motive a lot of men need, to punish you (and your DC by proxy) for leaving him.

Thank you all. Yes name change fail apparently.

I used they/them and name changed hoping to keep it as unidentifiable as possible, but it doesn't really work, sorry.

I've spoken to the solicitor I used for the CAO earlier this year and hes said to pick her up from school at the end of the day and say you're enforcing the original court order.

@milkytwilight

Thank you for your comments. Are you a family lawyer? If so, I would be happy to pay for advice if you would take me on as a client?

I do family law, however I don't take on clients from this forum. In my view it's a bit unethical to do so, as one could tailor one's opinion to whoever was posting in order to make picking up clients easy.

I prefer to just give my honest opinion (always based on the law, but in this environ cannot qualify as legal advice), and direct people to instruct solicitors or barristers as required for their particular case.

For the record you are not 'enforcing' the previous order, you are merely 'following the order', and that is what you should say if the father attempts to challenge you when you collect the child. You might want to turn up a bit earlier at the school in order to avoid him if you think he'll be there. Let the school know. Take the order with you, just in case.

Thank you, the school have a copy of the order so we will see what happens.

Do you know the likelihood of a court entertaining him wanting to change the order 9 months after already having one?

I see all the usual advise about going to womens aid/the police/social services based on having no evidence whatsoever aside from a dad saying he is just following the court order.

People like the posters on this thread are why family courts are an absolute shambles with false allegations. This is not the child centered way of reducing tensions. Yes - i'll advise someone to contact the police without having any insight. This will surely help the family dynamics.

JustAnotherLawyer2, making assumptions without any facts. Same as my ex partners legal aid Solicitor who was hopeless.

No one on this thread knows what has happened here. It's just one side of the story and people jumping on board.

None of this makes sense, apparently he is refusing contact but also wants a "lives with order". I don't think this is the whole story by any stretch of the imagination.

I appreciate your insight, nobody ever gets both sides of a story but this one is mine and its the truth. I've tried for nearly two years to have him see her more often. When the original order was made this year he told cafcass he didn't want any extra time with her, refused my offer of an additional two days per week, this was all documented by cafcass. I've done everything I can but my daughter is being alienated against me because he says its my fault she doesnt see him more often just because the crux of it is he couldn't be bothered to travel 10 miles, which is why the first thing hes done is try and move her schools so he doesnt have to bother. I have messages upon messages of me offering him to take her out for tea, have an additional night, take her for a walk etc. Messages from him saying its all or nothing. She's come home and said "dad said if I want to see him more then I need to live with him." And that's worn both me and her down to the point she thinks that's the only option because otherwise she'll only see him every two weeks, and she knows if she lived there I would see her as often as she wanted. There are a great many people who probably do lie and twist things for court, but I have no reason to do so on an anonymous forum where I'm asking for advice. If I mislead anyone the advice would be tailored to that so its no use to me. There are plenty of deadbeat mothers who keep kids away from their dads but also plenty of dads who just can't be bothered unless its handed to them and its easy. I know which side I'm on, but thanks.