Who should we leave our DC to in the event of our early deaths?

[Cardamonbun]

DH and I are attempting to update our wills but this is our stumbling block. We are 45 and 50 with a nearly 10 yo and 7 yo. I have had two friends get terminal illnesses and have to confront the possibility this could happen to one or both of us or that we could die in an accident.

I am truly torn about who I should nominate as legal guardians for the DCs. They have a range of people who love them but no close relatives in under a 20 hour flight and no obvious legal guardians that could help keep life as close to normal as possible.

We come from abroad but have lived here for 20 years. Relatives are all Down Under. Our youngest has barely any memory of our home country and I have no family left there now. The eldest some what idolises the home country but absolutely loves and lives for his school. I would love to keep him at his school as I feel tearing him away from it would compound his grieving.

These are the options in no particular order. All have expressed willingness to have them but that’s not really been tested.

1. Our neighbour who has been like an aunt to them and has been v hands on. She has grown up kids who pay them some attention. Problem is, she has a long term illness (MS) and is in her early 60s. She also disapproves of our choice of schools for them (one is at a private school, the other will soon go too). The positive is that they could stay in our house or at least on the same street and continue with their education and to see their friends.

1. DSis who lives an hour’s drive away, early adult DC. She would have been the obvious choice two years ago but has become estranged after a family death and her subsequent awful, toxic treatment of others including financial abuse. I loved her but she has become unrecognisable and eaten up by bitterness. While she has loved our DC, I fear she is unstable and could become a malign influence on them.

1. Another DSis, 50, no children and not cut out for them, lives Down Under in a small flat and would not compromise on her lifestyle. Loves DC but no temperament for them. Only bonus is DM would be nearby so could enjoy her GC for last years of her life (if it happened soon).

1. DSis in law and brother in law. 50s, very fit, no kids by choice, live Down Under. Wonderful people but DSis is quite stern. Con would be the massive culture shock for two kids coming from London as they live in a v provincial town at the other end of the world. Could at least get to know other cousins in other region, four hours away. (Sadly that uncle is not an option as he has just entered a new blended family and already has a complicated set up and is stretched to capacity).

1. Godmother. Friend who is 50, no D.C. Busy career and social life but good with kids inc her nieces and nephews and always pays attention to ours. Lives about an hour away but at least in same city.

The older they get, the harder it would be to uproot them to the other side of the world but that is where their blood relatives are.

Would social services simply decide who gets them? Or put them in the care system god forbid?

How do you decide how much cash to give the person who gets them? Obviously we would leave more than enough to cover all schooling but who gets the house/property and assets? The D.C. or the person taking them on or is it split? How do you work out fair proportions?

Wonder if anyone has had relatives in this position and how much upheaval there was for D.C. if they had to move continents.

Yes we need to speak to solicitors and again to possible guardians but DH is dismissing all of this hence I’m seeking other perspectives.

Ideally we would have relatives who would move into our house or nearby and keep them at the same schools with the same friends and activities but we don’t have that.

Definitely godmother.

We also need to think about this. I’m British & DH is Australian. DS could go to my family but they would never travel, so he would never get to go to see his other relatives. Whereas DH’s family would fly here with him if necessary, but it’s completely not what he has known.

Thanks for replying @Paddling654. Why would they end up in care if she’s probably the closest they have to a relative? Because of her health? She does have enormous energy when she’s well and is very practical. Her adult D.C. love ours and we are in and out of each other’s houses. I do worry that the DSis mentioned in option 2 would take the decision to court. We haven’t spoken in about 18 months. Would DH’s siblings also have the right to apply to the court although they don’t live here? I’m sure our eldest would probably like the idea of living in our home country but I personally think both D.C. have better life changes here as we have been prudent over the years so have saved enough to give them the sort of education you can’t get there. They won’t be multi-millionaires with our estate but would have v early 7 figures to play with (London Property prices for you!) so good advice about not giving them access to that until they’re 25.

Rather than nominating someone, we stipulated that my parents and 2 sisters would be responsible for making a decision as to what's best for the children. What might work for younger ones might not be suitable for older kids and vice versa, so we trusted them to make the best decision in the circumstances rather than us trying to guess what the situation might be.

And thanks @CakesOfVersailles. It sounds like you may be suggesting that as the mother, I may have a little more say about the guardianship if DH doesn’t want to engage on that issue? V interesting!

I didn't advise you to give your children any money as I think it would all be needed to give your friend the residence, childcare and schooling that she would need to raise them comfortably.

Your neighbour's health and age makes her uncertain and since she isn't family, it's more likely SS would be required if she became ill because other family members wouldn't be related to your children. I would also think carefully about the possibility of your children ending up caring for someone that you know will have significant care needs in the future. She would have done so much for them that the burden to reciprocate would be enormous. I wouldn't want that for my children.

Artesia Recipe for disaster in my view. One household would have to have them but you've ensure they don't have parental responsibility to get on with it.

If you weren't married (and your DH hadn't applied for parental responsibility/been named on the birth cert) as the mother you would have total say!

In your circumstances however, either you or your DH can appoint a testamentary guardian in your wills. In fact you can both appoint different people! But naturally that would cause difficulties. What I meant was you can write a will and appoint a guardian even if your DH doesn't want to talk about it.

Superficially the godmother but the key point is to discuss it fully with the people you are considering and also with your wider family. Be prepared also to change the nomination as the children grow as situations change for both parties.

A solicitor or financial advisor with experience of setting up child trusts in this situation should be able to advise how to portion out money for care of the children and in trust for the children.

Just because you’ve written it in your wills doesn’t mean that Social Services will approve.
They’ll conduct their own “investigations” into anyone who approaches them willing to care for your children, including the people named in your will. The people SS deem most suitable will “get” them.

The key consideration is that it should be someone the children know very well already and ideally someone who loves them. I would be wary of relatives on the other side of the world who they may be fairly unfamiliar with. If they know the godmother and she has a strong affection for them, that sounds like the ideal choice. If not, I would go with the neighbour.

@helpfulperson

You can leave your children to anyone. They arent possessions. You can nominate your preference but ultimately it will be social services who make the decision.

I was going to say the same thing. We put a preference in our wills, but knew it was just that, a preference. Social services and the family courts would definitely have a say in having suitable guardians for your children, especially if other relatives objected to your choice.

I agree with Godmother and a very warm-hearted, gentle boarding school.

And take life gently until they are 18! DH and I became quite cautious while DC were tiny for that exact reason - no one would have been quite right, so we both did our best to stay alive!

You are unlikely ever to need this - so I would not worry about it too much.

But for the purposes of you will etc I would go with the godmother. They could weekly board at school as they get older.

Godmother. If you want them to stay in this country, I agree a school with a boarding option would be best and you might want to give some thought to which school would offer the best pastoral care (it might not be your older DC's present school). Then they could go to the godmother in the holidays and hopefully that would be easier for her to cope with.

Another option might be parents of your DC's schoolfriends. I know a couple of people who have had this arrangement as they were in a similar situation to each other and didn't have a natural guardian available for their children. So they've agreed to do it for each other. The advantage to the children would be that they could stay at the same school, have a fairly normal family life and no disruption.

Sorry minimal disruption.

Godmother sounds like the best bet to me though i'd speak to her first to see if she's ok with it.

We asked DH's sister to be the legal guardian for our DC in the event of our death but we all agreed that rather uproot them to the country she lived it would be better for MIL to take care of them as long as she was able and to keep them at their existing schools.

Now we've got to an age where DD is an adult so i guess she'd be the guardian of her younger brother.

Godmother. That is why you have them.

Talk to all these people and see who would be prepared to take it on. You can't just nominate someone.

Also…if the chosen carer moves into your family home, what happens when both children are adults and may want/need to sell it?
It’s now the elderly carers home too, and they may want to stay there.
There’s a lot to think about.

Our will names “deciders” who we trust to make the best decision from a list of people based on the particular circumstances at the time.

There is a lot of poor advice on this thread, in particular the repeated assertion that social services would decide.

You can appoint one or more guardians in your will. They will automatically get parental responsibility if you and your husband both die regardless of whether he appoints a guardian in his will. If he appoints a different guardian, they would also get PR. Social services will only get involved if neither of you appoint a guardian or if there are concerns about your children. If there is a dispute about who your children should live with, the courts will decide, NOT social services.

Honoured that @prh47bridge has offered advice! I have often read your sage contributions on schools.

Thank you for all your suggestions. It sounds like most posters are suggesting the priority should be keeping dc in a familiar environment rather than focusing on blood relatives etc. I should clarify, we don’t necessarily think the UK is a better place to raise children. Indeed, many would believe Australia or NZ would offer a more ‘idyllic’ childhood in a cleaner environment. I’m just worried that a move Down Under at a pivotal time such as tweens/teens would be very disruptive. Our eldest in particular seems a bit put out that he doesn’t have a large family here so clearly he craves a sense of belonging.

Boarding school - even a lovely one - could be unsettling. One of the reasons I wanted dc to stay in our house ideally is because one of their schools is so fantastic. Let’s hope we never have to consider this!

Good idea about spending summers abroad. The only problem is that it’s winter down there so poor dc would potentially always be living in the cold! (And yes those two countries can have miserable, wet winters too).

A big chunk of money should go to whoever looks after them. Think about how much it costs to have them each per year (food, clothes, holidays, holiday care) consider inflation and other costs (maybe a cleaner) that would be helpful and then some on top. They need it more when the kids are growing up than when adults. Include university costs. Absolutely don't give the kids a big sum of money before the age of 25. I would be very annoyed to find out that you had expected me to raise your children for free.

I'd go with the godmother. She offers consistency and love plus as teens you will be asking for less of a commitment from her.

You can't ask anyone to recreate the life your children have now though, this seems the best option, especially if you leave enough money for their care.

@Feetupteashot

Godmother +/- boarding school

This.