Will I have to discuss my abuse in this court case? Grandparent application to court for contact with my children

[killahqueen123456789]

I was sexually abused in childhood, my parents were neglectful and exposed me to a lot of risk, which is a big part of how I came to be abused.

My father was also a bit of a pervert - more in words although there were groping 'games'.

To external observers my parents are Mr and Mrs Respectable. Big house, impressive career, well educated etc.

They are asking to have my children overnight in school holidays. We will fight this in court.

I have had a lot of therapy over what happened to me, which was hideous to go through. Really, really awful. I feel I have put it behind me now, and the idea of raking it over in a family court has just pushed me to the brink of tolerance.

Can anyone tell me if I will be required to make testimony about my abuse in family court in order to explain why we do not want my parents to have contact with my children?

It is not in my children's best interest to force their traumatised mother to relive this in courtroom (exactly the reason I've never brought criminal charges, I could not bear to have it all picked over publicly).

I know access is not granted in cases of abuse/violence but how do I prove the abuse?

This is destroying me. I've spent the last few years putting myself back together after facing up to all of this stuff and now I've got people dragging it all back up again. Any advice on quite how awful this is going to be would be really appreciated.

I'm so sorry that happened to you KillahQueen, and that your parents are still such a malignant influence. You deserved - and still deserve - better.

Have you had anything " official" at all OP? From a UK court for example. It might help to clarify it here. Or is it just the word of these awful people, perhaps through a solicitor?

I understand that this is so upsetting for you, but do not come to any informal arrangement with them to avoid a threat of court. My guess is that they may be trying to panic you into allowing access.

Head up, and strength to you.

No way would they be granted overnight stays with your dc in the holidays. What absolute shits they are.

Women's Aid and Rape Crisis also can help.

I agree with getting someone to read a statement out on your behalf, also a letter from counsellor/therapist, if, worse scenario, it gets to court.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

We had a couple of solicitor's letters requesting contact with our children. One we ignored, one we replied to stating we would not be giving contact. This latest is another letter from their solicitor stating that as we have declined contact the legal process will now be followed (can't remember the wording).

What is confusing me is that what I have googled of this suggests all parties must go to mediation before an application can be made. But we haven't been asked to go to mediation. Can they have claimed that we have turned down mediation?

What do we do if mediation is the next step? I don't want mediation with them.

Counsellor could write a letter on my behalf I'm sure.

Also their 'story' seems to hinge on me being delusional. Except I've done a university degree in this time I'm apparently delusional, achieved a first. Have GP records of me attending for help with depression/ childhood trauma. Was assessed - GP who aid carry on with private therapy as I was doing well and no psychiatric conditions indicated.

Surely their story that I have become psychotic/delusional is entirely contradicted by my medical records and academic performance?

My children are well looked after, loved, fed, nurtured, never been late to school.

This idea that I am insane is not borne out by any evidence relating to my life - not my medical records, my academic records, my therapy records, evidence from people in my life.

Sorry I'm getting really upset now.

All this has been said about me as a means of protecting the person who abused me. I can just about tolerate that they picked him over me (it was always that way) but that they are now demanding my children is so much of a betrayal to deal with on top.

OP I have no advice but just wanted to send these

You are incredibly strong.

Op you do know a solicitor will write whatever they are requested to with /without any substance whatsoever don't you ? .. My exh had one sent to me asking me to take down my newly fitted blinds as he could no longer spy at me /dc through the windows. I kid you not.
Ignore ignore ignore...
Or send one of your own stating you will take out an injunction to stop any contact at all from them..

Sorry to hear of your situation. It's tricky but try to remember that it is because if your situation that you must prevent contact, even if you have to tell your story again.

As other posters say it sounds unlikely that they will be granted permission to apply for contact and if you get a solicitor now they can help you frame your statement so that it doesn't get to court at all.

Good luck.

Well done on all you have achieved. You sound amazing and so does your DH.

I very much doubt your parents will even get permission to go to court toask for access. So you won’t have to relive things.

@Collaborate hopefully will be able to give you some advice, but if there is no ongoing relationship my understanding is it is very unlikely contact would be awarded, but i'm not sure how relevant the fact they have had contact in the past may be.

Agree, a solicitor will write what they ask, and will probably have no idea the true version of events.

You are not mad. You have survived and thrive despite them.
I feel that they are trying to bully you here, and gaslight you into doing what they want. They won't win this at all, their house of cards will fall.

Would you be able to reply via a solicitor's letter of your own setting out the reasons why you will not agree? You cannot be forced into a mediation situation with people who have abused you. They are horrible horrible people for trying to make you think they can.

Any of the charities mentioned earlier will help, or CAB, or the likes of Leigh Day solicitors who deal with historical abuse. Get some back up around you, perhaps if DH is able, he could do the explaining to take some pressure off ? I know it's so difficult to speak about it, but you do not have to give details, you could even print off and show this thread.

I'm so sorry this is upsetting you so much, safe hug to you if that is ok. You should be so proud of all you have achieved.

They are huffing and puffing and trying to blow your house down, keep reminding yourself of this. Solicitors letter back ,telling them to sod right off and why.

www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

Despicable bastards.

You can deal with this OP, it sounds like you have done an amazing kid

Job

Thank you. I woke up this morning feeling physically paralysed. I know it's a trauma response, just a complete 'freeze' reaction.

I'm meeting a friend and we're going for a walk in the woods. I need to move myself physically I can't get stuck on all of this again.

I really appreciate all your kind responses it means a lot.

Hi, I was thinking about you. I felt that you would not be so well this morning.

How you feel is a very natural response, to all of this.

Use all you have learned to keep yourself grounded, and know that we care. Courage to you.

A walk in the woods sounds a great idea, talk it through with your friend.

The more I think on this, they don't have a chance really if it got to court. They are using money to try and bully you via a solicitor who doesn't know the real story. They are relying on you coming to some kind of agreement outside of court. They think you are weak but you have an inner strength, you have survived all of this, and have a lovely family and DH and friends, despite them.

If the solicitor knew the real story I think their advice would be different.

Be gentle on yourself today. Remember that you have achieved so much and are a great parent and you are much loved.

You are not the person they try and tell you that you are.

Can't help with the legal side of things but I know them gas lighting you again brings back all those emotions. Try to repeat to yourself that you know what happened, they know what they did, your not mad. You're actually in a state of perfect clarity. That you are in control, you are no longer in the victim role. You hold the cards. You have the position of power now.

Just keep that be your inner voice to every "why?" That intrudes into your head. It helps quiten down those thoughts.

You are a survivor, you will not let them near your DC with your abuser. You hold the power now. Then at each step, just know might not know how, but you will win through. You are no longer their victim.

Feels like harassment, what they're doing...

That's a really good point overtherainbow....thinking about this....OP do you have any letters, diary dates etc. re accusations about you being " mad"?

The fact you can prove you have had to go for therapy to help you recover from their abuse should be good evidence (maybe from your doctor also as well as a letter from your therapist?)
Try not to stress too much. It sounds like they really stand no chance!