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Legal matters

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Original poster

Ex husband taking child out of school for wedding at gcse timr

104 replies

Nononoandno · 14/10/2019 11:22

So my ex is getting married and wants my son to join him abroad understandably, school have called me to say my ex has submitted the form to request absence in March for 4 days just before sons GCSEs. School have said if he goes ahead, a fine will be issued to both parents!! For the record my ex hasn’t told me about the planned wedding abroad, it was my son that told me (Ex and I don’t talk -not my choice) . I don’t approve of the timing but i don’t see how I can prevent him going, what should I do? Oh by the way my ex is a policeman ffs!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nononoandno · 15/10/2019 09:06

I am not dealing with a reasonable man here isn’t that obvious!!!

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 15/10/2019 09:11

“Lose” his passport. ?

Original poster

Nononoandno · 15/10/2019 09:12

He’s already got his passport and just renewed it

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 15/10/2019 09:18

If your ex is a dickhead and the court won’t help then dealing directly with your son is your only option.

Lay it on thick, make it clear he is jeopardising his future, that you will be seriously unhappy if he goes etc.

Comefromaway · 15/10/2019 09:31

Does your son have the passport or your ex?

Make up some excuse why you need it for something (college applications, say you are going to buy a 16-17 or 16-25 railcard and need photo ID, anything). I have a year 11 son and there is no way on earth I would allow him to have possession of his passport just yet.

swingofthings · 15/10/2019 19:25

If you are going to take legal measures to stop something that your ds very much wants to do, what impact is this going to have on your relationship? I would think a happy 16yo missing 4 days is going to have much less of a negative impact that a 16yo who is massively angry, frustrated and who could very well rebel by not studying as much as would normally do.

I personally think there is much less potential damage by supporting your ds, helping him to ensure he works hard and minimise the impact of losing 4 days than creating a massive conflict that could see him going to his dad and refusing to come back potentially.

negomi90 · 15/10/2019 19:43

Talk to your DS. If he wants to go, you will do more damage by stopping him then you would by letting him.
If he doesn't want to go - then fine, you keep hold of his passport, stop DS going to his dad that day.
If he wants to go, you support DS in being proactive near to the time in finding out what he'll be revising in each lesson he'll miss and helping him decide how he's going to make up the revision.

A hard NO will make you the enemy because you'd be stopping from going to a big family event, ruining his relationship with his father etc etc. For those saying be the parent and say no, a teens ability to sulk and self jeopardise is impressive. A pissed off teen who's properly mad at you won't be learning anything at home or at school in this time and the seething resentment could potentially last a long time.

The key thing is to not put your ds in the middle. Don't make him choose which one of you to keep happy. Your ex is a shit, but this about supporting your teen (who I'm sure will see it without help).
I went on holiday pre GSCEs, took revision with me and carved out time around fun stuff and I was fine. Your DS can make this work too.

Original poster

Nononoandno · 15/10/2019 20:25

Update....
So yesterday school said definitely not authorised and that we would both get fined.....School have today authorised the leave!!
Why on earth would they do that?
Because he’s a policemen and would have bullied them into it no doubt..... the rules don’t apply to him obviously 🙄

OP posts:

swingofthings · 16/10/2019 06:36

I took my kids out of school 4 times, once just a week before GCSE for 2 days (English GCSEs done in y10 when we were not told in advance when I booked the trip). There were never authorised officially but I was never fined. DD got A* in both exams.

I expect the reason why they authorised is because it's under 5 days and the LA probably don't fine in this instance, so to avoid bureaucracy, they just authorised it. Saying that they authorised it because he would otherwise have bullied them is getting your imagination loose. It comes across as if your anger is deeper than him missing 4 days of school.

EleanorReally · 16/10/2019 06:39

i think it is ok, its march, gsce are in may..
The fact that it is your Ex is clouding your judgement

HerkyBaby · 16/10/2019 07:43

Go into school and discuss this with HT / year head. Find out exactly what he will be missing and what will be covered. Take your son into that meeting at some point if you need to. Let him hear from someone else in absolute terms from those that know that this is a very bad idea and the reasons why. Then when you say NO you can not be accused of over dramatising the situation. Oh and hide the passport.

coconuttelegraph · 16/10/2019 07:55

I expect the reason why they authorised is because it's under 5 days and the LA probably don't fine in this instance, so to avoid bureaucracy, they just authorised it

Is that what happens now? I might need to have an absence approved next year, I haven't approached the school yet but it would be very helpful to have a link for that, do all LAs operate like tbat, I haven't been able to find specifics about mine online.

OP - at least with the issue of the fine out of the way you can concentrate on the impact of otherwise on the GCSEs

amylou8 · 16/10/2019 07:57

I think you're a bit screwed with this one to be honest. If DS wants to go and you prevent (or actively try and prevent) it he will resent you. If your ex is as scheming as you believe then short of a prohibited steps order, he would find a way to take him anyway. Now school have authorised the absence I doubt a court would side with you over a prohibited steps. I agree the timing sucks, your ex is being a idiot, but you really have no choice but to accept this and hope your DS has a lovely holiday.

PulpPixie · 16/10/2019 08:03

His dad is getting married, of course he should go.

Whoops75 · 16/10/2019 08:07

I also think because it’s your ex it’s a problem.
I think you should let this one go OP

Aridane · 16/10/2019 08:08

So yesterday school said definitely not authorised and that we would both get fined.....School have today authorised the leave!!
Why on earth would they do that?
Because he’s a policemen and would have bullied them into it no doubt..... the rules don’t apply to him obviously 🙄

I very much doubt it - more likely because it's a major life event and, knowing your son, the school don't think it will ruin his likely GCSE success

Bartlet · 16/10/2019 08:09

If your son wants to go to his fathers wedding then refusing to let him will cause real lasting damage to your relationship.

All these militant posters saying to prevent him travelling are just pulling the “mother is the only real parent” card and are not thinking about your relationship with your son.

It’s not ideal timewise but not the end of the world. Let him go and use it as a bargaining chip to increase his revision time.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 16/10/2019 08:18

I don't agree with your ex taking your son out of school in Year 11 but I don't think it will harm his GCSEs. I'm very surprised that the school have now authorised the leave but at least you dont have to pay or argue against the fine. It's annoying but as long as your son wants to go, I'd just leave it. Your ex doesn't sound very sensible taking his son out of school so close to his GCSEs, but in another couple of years, you won't have to deal with your ex, just look forward to that day.

Troels · 16/10/2019 08:27

I don't agree with the timing, but I would let it go. He now has permission and if you go with prohibative steps order you may damage your relationship with your son.
The relastionship with your son is more important than the timing of this cockwombles wedding.
Explain to ds about you don't agree with it, but let him go and tell him he must make sure all revision and reading is still done ready for GCSE's

Original poster

Nononoandno · 16/10/2019 08:34

I’ve accepted it, he’s going I’m going to pay for extra hours with his private tutor to cover anything missed. I’m booking a holiday too as I’m the main carer it will be my first 4 day break from my son for over 5 years so I’m seeing it as an opportunity.

I just find it ironic that school have been trying for months to contact my ex to discuss issues with my son and schooling, he’s never returned their calls or messages, but now he’s contacted them because it directly affects him. Hey ho it’s fine with now.

What pisses me off about some posters is when they say “it’s time to sit down and talk to your ex” ..... you can only do that when the other person is a reasonable ex, many arnt

OP posts:

Original poster

Nononoandno · 16/10/2019 08:37

Thanks for all the constructive suggestions and allowing me to rant 😊

OP posts:

JenniferM1989 · 16/10/2019 08:44

If he was a decent parent, he'd have timed the wedding for the Easter or Summer holidays 🙄. Taking a child out of school during term time in year 11 is a bit irresponsible. Some people basically have to do term time holidays due to the cost but they tend to do it all other years minus exam years!

Never mind, they've authorised it so at least you won't get a fine. What are you planning to do with your time when your son is away? Anything nice?

MonChatEstMagnifique · 16/10/2019 08:53

Ironic, yes. And it would make me really angry that he's clearly not got his child's best interests in mind...but that anger would be wasted. I'd be hugely annoyed with the school to, but again it's pointless to waste any energy on it.

Enjoy your holiday, sounds like it's well deserved.

rookiemere · 16/10/2019 09:02

I'm glad you're taking the opportunity to have your own break and won't be fined. Clearly if your ex was a reasonable person then you'd have had the conversation, but he sounds like a selfish idiot and it's good he's out of your life.

thisisasoloflight · 16/10/2019 09:29

Good to hear you've sorted it!

Had you gone through court etc I would imagine any sort of emotional aggro and relationship battles would have had far more of a negative effect on your son's exams than taking a few days out of school to be at his dad's wedding. Infact, his trip away could be a perfect tonic to break up any pre-exam stress.

School sorted, tutor sorted, no unnecessary aggro from ex, no court battles, happy son and happy mum. Win win!

In the meantime book that holiday. And it's in term time so will be a little cheaper too

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