Wife is divorcing me - What can I expect financially

[ustbxh]

Looking for some information as to what I can realistically expect out of a seemingly inevitable divorce.

My wife of 10 years is looking for divorce, there is no single event which has caused this and we're both equally to blame for the breakdown of the marriage, although she's the one pushing for the divorce.

She's been a SAHM for the last 6 years - we've got a 3 & 6 year old. She didn't have a "career" before giving up work - earning 15-20k/year full time.

I'm a "high earner" I guess. Child Maintenance payments are going to be around £1200/month. Not sure if it's pertinent but my job has always been driven by our family's financial needs, I am not career driven and she's always had the option to return to work and I find a more practical job (I work away a lot which makes her working difficult) but financially, it's never made sense for her to return to work and me work away less. This has always been a financial based decision and never due to "my career" thus I don't feel that she has "sacrificed" anything to be a SAHM, in fact, I think she's had it extremely fortunate that this was possible.

Her desire seems to be to stay in the family home which realistically costs around £2800-3000/month to run including children's expenses such as clubs / activities. Savings / Holidays / personal disposable income is on top of that.

We have about £130k equity.

She has ideas of staying in the house, and me funding the majority of the costs (£2400ish) through child maintenance and spousal maintenance and she'd cover the rest - through benefits and presumably a job.

At some undefined point in the future she'd sell the house and I guess the equity at the time would be split (50/50?)

Financially the above would work - I think - and I'd be able to afford a reasonable lifestyle myself, however I would not have any equity to buy a house so would be stuck renting which I am greatly against. We'd always planned to be mortgage free in our early 50's but that's looking very unlikely now, even less so if I rent.

She is against selling the house due to the impact having cash assets has on benefits for her and her inability to get a mortgage, thus she'd be stuck renting....

Should I suck it up and agree to something along these lines, or am I being taken for a ride?

I have no idea what the norm is. Everyone I've known who's been through divorce have both worked so I have no experience of what's realistic etc.

TIA.

Oops meant to post on divorce - I realise this is legal and my views do not in anyway represent a legal view!

@millymollymoomoo

No need to be sorry, you're absolutely right!

[...]but I think you’re being naive and are being played a fool[...]

When children are involved it's very hard to not be played a fool while not looking like you're punishing the children "for your own financial gain". It's been mentioned to me that "you're only interested in your own financial situation".....I hope it's clear that this is not true. I guess this is where having a "resolution" solicitor comes into things so it's clear I'm not all about the money, but also fairness.

If you don’t wise up you’re going to end up living in a one bed flat funding her lifestyle when she’s living it up having moved a new chap into playing happy families with your children in a house you’re funding

You hear so many stories of men being unreasonable and such like that it's hard to understand how to remain the good guy, but not be taken advantage of.

What would the situation look like if say we did what she wanted for 3 years - this would separate the divorce & house move into two events to try and limit the immediate impact and change to the children.

After 3 years, sell the house with a pre-agreed split, re-look at any continuing spousal maintenance payments etc.

Is something like that a reasonable possibility (legally)?

It’s understandable that you want to provide the best for your children and stability. It’s called being a dad and I think it’s great you’re looking how to achieve that. It doesn’t mean however you bow down to demands and hand everything over.

Mediation may be the way forward and using solicitors who don’t inflame the situation. Remember you have to be able to afford to live and build a life for you and your children too.

I wish you luck

It's this £2400 she is wanting me to cover.

You are being very naive around this, even with a 3 year old there is scope for free childcare or for her to be doing some form of work if need be. All your calculations still look to be excluding her entitlement to benefits.

Without even working she can receive £150 pm Child Benefit along with £500 in Child Tax Credits So £650 to fit into the family budget.

Utilise the free childcare and find some hours work a week (or combined with the weekends you have the children for example) to get past 16 hours work and even on a minimum wage job bringing in £5k for example then it's £509 Child Credits, £150 Child Benefit, £330 Working Tax Credit plus £400 from the job bring in £1389 or over half the required budget already.

Morally this is the harsher option but it's also a realistic position to consider, even if not immediately, once the younger one starts school. If taking a lower paid job closer to home allows you to spend more time with the children it can't be discounted as the situation has changed. Yes it will make times harder and money tighter but it still allows you a relationship with the children rather than just attempting to fund two lifestyles that will ultimately have to see some trimming back.

@wobytide

All your calculations still look to be excluding her entitlement to benefits.

She'd mentioned circa. £700 in benefits which would be used for all the additional stuff beyond running the house. So although I hadn't mentioned it, it was factored in, sorry about that.

Please look again at the bills, that is a lot of money needed to run a household.

@mummmy2017

£1300/mortgage
£170/gas & electricity
£160/Council Tax
£550/food + general house stuff like cleaning products etc (sure this could be reduced)
£150/petrol

A few of these would reduce such as food and council tax - utilities too if she was at work most days, but that obviously doesn't include any of the additional stuff like clothes, clubs, childcare, savings for emergencies, etc.

Just a thought - assuming there is enough money to go around, does the court take into account my "needs"? For example:

Lets say there is 5k/month pot
my Ex needs 2400/month
Does that automatically leave me with 2600, or will the court say "You don't need 2600 so lets give your EX 2600"?

If you get a 50/50 deal then you no longer have to cover her mortgage or rent.....
And they won't give her half your wages....

Council tax will reduce if only one adult in the house.

Wanter's advice is good. If the house is bigger than needs (as ours is) then the court might order it sold. In our case as I earned a lot more than my ex husband I could take on a massive new mortgage and buy him out. He got 59% of our assets - equity in house and all my life savings etc. We both worked full time.

In your case if we assume about 60% of equity is reasonable for her and there are no other savings - 130,000 x 60% = £78k. So on that basis she could stay put if she could raise £52k. So one solution might be if her parents could come on the mortgage instead of you (so you are free to get another mortgage elsewhere) and they remortgage with her to pay you £52k. Then going forwards you are both separate in terms of the capital but you would still have maintenance for her or perhaps she might accept a clean break if you offer to pay childcare so she can go back to full time work at £20k a year. Just a few ideas which may not be workable.

Possibly you could try to residence of the children and your wife gets a rented bed sit instead which might help her get full time work right away whilst you get a live in au pair or something. there is no reason to assume mothers get children all the time although it is likjely as you have both formed a set up where mother is not working and father works so that is the children's norm.

Speak to a solicitor as some things on the thread are not correct - eg non earners in England still often do get spousal maintenance usually limited until they cohabit or remarry but often time limited eg for 5 years.

@Xenia

Possibly you could try to residence of the children and your wife gets a rented bed sit instead which might help her get full time work right away whilst you get a live in au pair or something.

This is something I'd considered. The house is more than big enough to comfortably have an au pair living in the house and financially it would work if I did not have to pay CM or SM, morally I think this is unfair on her though and would essentially be having my children brought up by a 3rd party rather than one of their parents which doesn't seem to make sense from a family perspective.

She has no ability to raise any finances - either commercially via a bank or family. Sadly her parents are not in a position to help.

She neither needs a 4 bed house and nor are the children used to it if they only moved in at the back end of last year. The most reasonable (& entirely not based on legal position) thing is for her to have a smaller property with a mortgage she can manage herself / mortgage free.

OP - I was not in a similar situation as we both worked (and I earned more than him). But I was told the starting point for a long term marriage is 50/50 irrespective of earnings, and that includes all the assets, debts and pensions. So obviously your pension will be larger than hers so she will likely get a larger share of the other assets.

With us my XH wanted me and the children to be able to stay in the house so I took out an additional interest only mortgage to give him a deposit and since I couldn't afford to buy out the rest of his share he still owns a 20 percent share of house - which i shall have to give to him when both children leave full time education, by selling the house (as I wont have that amount of cash). However, this arrangement meant that I took on the whole mortgage and running costs of the house.

Given your wife's position its very unlikely she could afford to take on all the running costs and mortgage - even with some spousal support - so the most likely solution is for you to sell the house and split the proceeds so each of you can buy or rent. This is normally what happens when people divorce. You should not be expected to start again and live in poverty because your wife doesn't work.

The solicitor is essential to tell you what to expect. But do not roll over and give her everything. You have an equal right to have a home which your children can stay in and your wife will be expected to start to try and support herself. You will of course both be worse off.

@Bouledeneige

You have an equal right to have a home which your children can stay in[...]

This is the crux of the issue - if I did give her what she's asking for (ignoring the fact I won't have a deposit and I'll have to pay an insane amount in stamp duty due to 2nd home) financially, this works. There IS enough money for her to stay in the house, me fund more or less everything and also provide a reasonable home for myself and the kids when they stay with me.

I would have around £2.5-3k/month left - and this is why this is SO difficult for me.

If there simply wasn't enough money to go around it would be clear - sell the house, cut expenditures accordingly and accept life is now very different. Due to this not being the case, it all comes down to morals and what's "right" rather than what's "possible".

I haven't read much of this thread, but it seems to me that OP is trying to run his whole case through this thread. That is very dangerous indeed.

@Collaborate

I am in the process of seeing a solicitor. My purpose for this thread is to try and understand some examples of what is reasonable and realistic.

You said your pension pot is large,. Your looking at her getting a lot of the house if you keep the pension,. But you can ask for the cash as a deposit...
Please as we all said, think about future relationships...both of you.

Thanks. Realistically is there likely to be much cash left after all the legal fees? I presumed not? No real idea how much this is going to cost.

As cheap or as expensive as you both want to make it. More you have to argue the quicker it disappears, given the main topics will be the house equity and the potential spousal maintenance you need to decide what you would need or can afford and work from there. If there is £130k in the pot at £65k each at 50/50 or £95k/£35k at 70/30 you both need to decide how much of that £30k you want to spend for example on fighting for it.

Other options to consider are if the equity is the deciding factor for your ex-wife then in exchange for giving more equity you could argue to capitalise some of the Spousal maintenance and give it up front in the form of equity which gives you more to start saving for your own deposit or for a larger mortgage payment.

Either way you need to get all your details on a budget planner and forms that you can find out there and work out what money you both realistically could have each month and what it costs to live. Also understand what a 2/3 bed place costs in your area and your mortgage capacity. With the limited equity and the need for the kids to be housed the majority of the time there doesn't look like you might have much room to manoeuvre from her having either a 2 or 3 bed place if funds permit with you having to make do with a 1 or 2 bed place in the short term that allows you to spend weekends with them at least. Somethings got to give, you have the luxury that you do have a decent wage for now and that unfortunately is what you have to start working from and allow your ex to also get herself back in work as soon as possible