Wife is divorcing me - What can I expect financially

[ustbxh]

Looking for some information as to what I can realistically expect out of a seemingly inevitable divorce.

My wife of 10 years is looking for divorce, there is no single event which has caused this and we're both equally to blame for the breakdown of the marriage, although she's the one pushing for the divorce.

She's been a SAHM for the last 6 years - we've got a 3 & 6 year old. She didn't have a "career" before giving up work - earning 15-20k/year full time.

I'm a "high earner" I guess. Child Maintenance payments are going to be around £1200/month. Not sure if it's pertinent but my job has always been driven by our family's financial needs, I am not career driven and she's always had the option to return to work and I find a more practical job (I work away a lot which makes her working difficult) but financially, it's never made sense for her to return to work and me work away less. This has always been a financial based decision and never due to "my career" thus I don't feel that she has "sacrificed" anything to be a SAHM, in fact, I think she's had it extremely fortunate that this was possible.

Her desire seems to be to stay in the family home which realistically costs around £2800-3000/month to run including children's expenses such as clubs / activities. Savings / Holidays / personal disposable income is on top of that.

We have about £130k equity.

She has ideas of staying in the house, and me funding the majority of the costs (£2400ish) through child maintenance and spousal maintenance and she'd cover the rest - through benefits and presumably a job.

At some undefined point in the future she'd sell the house and I guess the equity at the time would be split (50/50?)

Financially the above would work - I think - and I'd be able to afford a reasonable lifestyle myself, however I would not have any equity to buy a house so would be stuck renting which I am greatly against. We'd always planned to be mortgage free in our early 50's but that's looking very unlikely now, even less so if I rent.

She is against selling the house due to the impact having cash assets has on benefits for her and her inability to get a mortgage, thus she'd be stuck renting....

Should I suck it up and agree to something along these lines, or am I being taken for a ride?

I have no idea what the norm is. Everyone I've known who's been through divorce have both worked so I have no experience of what's realistic etc.

TIA.

That can be worked out. The house might be in your name but she'd have a charge over it, so you couldn't decide one day to sell it and make her homeless.

So you might end up with something like you pay the mortgage until the youngest child leaves further education or she marries, at which point she has to repay what's left of the mortgage (either by selling the house, or getting a mortgage herself) and gets to keep the proceeds if she sells it, or she keeps the house if she doesn't and is able to get her own mortgage.

Do keep in mind though: 1) You'd have two mortgages, one in a house you don't live in and with no rental income from it, so you'd be unlikely to be able to get a large percentage of the valuation as a loan, 2) Someone (her? you?) needs to insure, maintain etc. the house to protect you, lest you end up with a worthless house AND a mortgage to pay on it, 3) Your pension needs to be taken into account, 4) There is every chance your wife will be told by well-meaning friends (or random strangers on the internet) that she will get to keep the nice big house she currently lives in, no judge would make her sell it, etc. It doesn't matter whether that's true or not, if she is told it then she'll think you're being unreasonable in asking her to downsize.

You could ask her if she'd be willing to downsize and if she is then figure out a way to make it work between you. If not, try mediation, since that might help both parties to see things reasonably.

Sorry, by "keep the proceeds" I mean anything that is left after the mortgage has been repaid obviously, not the whole lot!

Also make sure that you ask about SDLT as you would own 2 houses so you'd pay the extra high rate

I'm not sure about the advice that you've been given that it's not worth seeing anyone until she does. I'm a different type of solicitor but my colleagues wouldn't have said that. Was it a specialist?

Lots of good advice on here, so nothing really for me to add. But what I would say is if she's driving the divorce, she needs to start talking to a solicitor/mediator too. Otherwise you'll be stuck in this uncertain/limbo land for a long time.
I hope it all works out op!

My only comment is that seeing as you sounds like a thoughtful kind of guy to beware about giving your wife so much (maybe out of guilt that it has all gone wrong) and then realising that you dont have enough to live off and wanting to reneg and perhaps finding you can't.

Happened to a friend of mine - he wanted to give everything to wife and kids and hole up in a little bedsit and then he realised there was more life to be lived and he wanted to travel, enjoy life and nearly had no money to do with with. And of course once he had set such generous expectations it was hard to come back from.

However if you are the opposite kind of guy don't use this post to be a dick.

@ustbxh I feel for you; you're about to go through hell. Financially and emotionally. Is there no way of saving your marriage?

It's unreasonable and unrealistic of her to force a divorce you don't want but to expect you to continue to pay for her to live in a 4 bedroom, 3 reception room house. And for you to move into rented and her not.

I just don't see how that's fair. You seem generous with what you'll give her and the kids and that is right.

Thanks for all the messages.

With the figures above, I should be reasonably comfortable, and have between 2.5 and 3k cash a month to live on, plus bonus and shares throughout the year so I'm not too concerned about myself, at this stage.

I absolutely want the kids to have a good life and not be suffering financially thus I see it less as giving to her and more to "the other half of my family".

If it weren't for the releasing equity issue, I'd be fine with her staying in the house and selling when kids were older.

Thanks.

In that case can't you release some equity for a deposit now or agree that the 20k roughly cash you have is yours to keep for a deposit? Use that and your bonus as a deposit? Assuming you could get a mortgage etc alongside your first one and pay the extra stamp duty.

Spousal maintenance is rarely paid these days. If you take the amount you anticipated paying her in spousal maintenance and save it instead, added to the 20k cash, can you scrape together a deposit in a year or two?

I agree Missillusion, my mum got spousal maintenance when she divorced my dad after 27 years, she got the grand total of 5p a month.

All I can say without going lengthily into my personal experience is that you seem to be a kind and rational person. I wish I could say the same about my ex, who's currently taking me (and our 18 yr old DD) back to court after a five year legal battle (2010-15). He cares far more about money than his children.

Also, you can't really know what assets you have until you've got a value for your pension. It is very possible that dwarfs the value of the equity in your house

@Missillusioned

Regarding pension I'm in my mid 30s and been paying into a pension for about 13 years, however its only in the last couple of years I've been such a high earner. Previous to that I was on significantly less so id be (pleasantly) surprised if my pension was significant compared to the equity but I could be wrong.

Can’t you use the £20k cash as a deposit? That seems like an easy solution.

Could you increase the mortgage on the family home, to release some equity for a home for you?
At some point in the future, your wife would have to buy you out or downsize, but in the meantime, you would continue to own it jointly.

,

@ustbxh I have just received a value for a final salary pension I paid into in my 20s and 30s for just 11 years. I never earned over 24k pa in that time. I paid in about 6k in total myself.
The pension is worth over 200k 😱

Granted this is because it's final salary, but it just goes to show you can't assume anything yet

No advice but just wanted to say good for you for being such a decent guy about everything. It sounds like you really want your ex wife and kids to be taken care of and I admire that. Best of luck with everything :)

Hello.

I am receiving spousal as I am caring for a child with a long-term health condition. There are all sorts of situations that can be used to argue a move from the 50/50 split and SAHM is one of them, but it normally goes down over a few years to nothing.

It sounds like you are a nice person who really cares about his kids. My advice would be to find a lawyer who grasps that and doesn't try to create a monster. I used a firm that is part of the Resolution network. www.resolution.org.uk/ They are in NE and London if you want a recommendation.

My husband didn't go anywhere near a lawyer until a good while after I did, so I really do not understand lawyers saying they won't see you. In your position I would just pay for two hours' consultation after getting my assets straight. There is a calculator here www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/divorce-and-money-calculator

I am at the other end of the process and it has been hard, but my lawyer says I have acted with dignity and my ex and I have a good working relationship re the kids.

Keep your kids at the forefront of your thoughts at all times and you can't go far wrong. It is them that the courts want to protect.

Ok, I have some experience in this with my DP.

He's a high earner and his ex wife a SAHM following their DC being born. The informal agreement between them was he would pay all living costs including mortgage, clubs, holidays , clothing, bills to give her chance to retrain. It is slightly different because the DCs are all school age.

She didn't retrain or take part time work and following the start of our relationship some three years after things have changed.

My DP wasn't against spousal maintenance for a period of time but wanted an end date for this. At present the agreement is that spousal maintenance will be paid for the next two years at a gradually decreasing amount. The plan is the family home will be sold and his ex will move into a smaller property with enough bedrooms for the DSs. He can then have a mortgage himself which will be with me.

I think what is really important for your ex is that there is a transition period between her 'old' life with you and her creating a new one for herself. Back in the day, and I know some people like this, have lived their lives on the support of an ex and not carved out their own independence for themselves...both through new relationships (because support will stop) and in the workplace.

My DPs ex felt, and still does feel that he is still responsible for providing absolutely everything for her and their DCs. She has no regard for the fact that he needs to provide a life for himself and their DSs too.

Could you sell the family home to something more realistic and that she can get a mortgage on when she will be earning in a few years time. Natwest takes maintenance into their calculations. And then pay her the maintenance and spousal maintenance for a decreasing amount until your youngest is 7. Its viewed that when the children are that age both parents should be working.

You're the one that is busting a gut to earn a living. Yes, it's high but if you're anything like my DP it comes with high stress and responsibility. You need to reap the rewards of your hard work too.

The sad reality with divorce is that life does change and this includes your financial quality of life.

You need to find the pension value as it could be one of the bargaining chips you need to use if she is going to take more of the equity. But given your respective ages it may not count for much as it's still along way from being crystallised but it could still be significant due to the way the stock markets have been the last decade

Edit: can't see your actual salary but your CM is about double mine so no idea if that would mean double salary but on 16 years paying into a pension(again earning a lot lower until recent years) my works pension is valued at more than double your house equity

Going to get flamed for this, but your stbx is not going to stay single for ever, if you set the bar this high, what happens when she gets a job, or moves someone into your house and you realise you can't afford a new relationship.....
Offer 70/30....

Keep your pension and the cash...
So she keeps most of the house....
You still need to plan for a life yourself....
Get these things agreed in divorce .....

You can agree to fund all the hobbies and things your children do and pay for them yourself....