DS has been falsely accused of assaulting a woman at Uni - what can we do?

[RhythmNBooze]

My head is all over the place and I don’t know where to even start with this. Probably going to be a long post as I want to get all the details down.

Got a phone call from 19 year old ds yesterday asking if he can come home for the weekend. He is in his 1st year at Uni. He said he’s been to see the welfare officer who has suggested it would be a good idea and said he would tell us why when he gets here. Dh picked him up from the station at 9pm so we’d spent the afternoon and evening wondering what the hell was going on. All sorts going through our minds – he’s got a girl pregnant, he’s ill, he’s gay etc.

Upshot of it is the following. He got a call from the welfare officer at Uni telling him to go to the office as the Police were there and wanted to talk to him. When he got there 2 police officers interviewed him (he thinks under caution) and he was video recorded. He was on his own. Wasn’t told he could have someone with him. He has been accused by a girl he had been seeing last term of assaulting her by pushing her. He denies it and says he wasn’t even at the place she says it happened. They told him to stay away from her and that if she reports anything else he could be arrested.
She has also asked the college to move him from his accommodation as his room is opposite his and she can see him. This is not true and he does not overlook her room.

Background to all this is that he started seeing her during freshers week. He thought they were ‘exclusive’ but she was getting off with other people when she knew he was there, usually at clubs. He says he confronted her about it a couple of times and admits he did shout at her. By the time the Xmas holidays came round he believed they were not together while he was upset he was coming to terms with it.
Last week he says he was walking back to his halls from a club with his mates and she was walking in front of him snogging another student. He admits he saw red as he thought she was doing it deliberately to wind him up and so he confronted her and shouted at her. Apparently he said some nasty things to her but he didn’t say what. The guy she was with pushed him away but he says he didn’t touch the girl. This week her friends have been saying to him that he has treated this girl really badly. He then gets the call about the police.

Of course I only have ds’ side of the story but he says he has tried to tell us everything in an unbiased way as possible and whilst I understand there are 2 sides to every story I believe ds when he says he has not physically assaulted this girl. He says he can prove he didn’t do what she has accused him of as he has witnesses to say he wasn’t with her and there are cctv cameras where she says the assault took place. He does admit to verbally abusing her at other times. We have told him that when he goes back he needs to completely blank this girl and not engage with her in any way. When he spoke to the welfare officer about it afterwards she advised the same.

My question is what else, if anything, can/should he do now about the fact she has falsely accused him of something. Should we do anything? Should he have been allowed to have the welfare officer with him when he was questioned? He is already upset that his experience of Uni has been tainted by this girl’s behaviour in the first term. I don’t want his whole Uni experience being affected by it. Can we put something in place that stops her from going near him?

Any advice gratefully received.

So shouting at someone is verbal assault

Depending on what was said, it can be, yes.

Obviously we don't know exactly what he said but the bloke she was with ended up having to push him away. That strongly suggests he was being aggressive and really getting in their faces.

If that was the gist why didn't you just say that then?

ferrier It’s not a “lovers riff” and rightly the police were involved.

The police deal with far too much rubbish but a female being placed in a state of fear and alarm by a casual ex boyfriend it’s not one of those times.

Also the police are investigating the alleged physical assault. I really don't think investigating physical assault is a waste of police time 🙄

At the end of the day OP it's perfectly natural that your instinct is to protect your DS here.

What happened may never become clear. What is clear is that he's got some anger issues going on, whether drink fuelled or not, and what you need to make sure is that he never lands himself in this situation again.

I think a calm quiet talk about how disappointed that you are that all this has happened. Perhaps Uni can suggest some professional help with anger management and some better coping strategies for going forward.

Sorry if this has been said, and also sorry if it causes alarm, but even if the police don’t take further action, the university may well do so. If a case against your son were found proven the sanctions could be very serious: removal from the university would be a real possibility for something like this. As someone else has said above, he needs to talk to his students union to get all the support and advice he can.

You don't know if he pushed her or not. It's his word against hers. What if she was your daughter saying this to you. I think is great they are getting separated. And you should have along serious talk to your son about handling his emotions. It is not okay to be shouting at women because he's upset. He needs to get a grip. He's not a child anymore he's an adult and he needs to act like one. Imagine the whole world shouted at each other when we got upset. He's your son so you'll be defensive however what's going to happen next time he's in another relationship and he's mad? Shout all over the street and make a scene again? Completely out of order. If she is lying, she'll get karma. But this is a big lesson for your son as well.

Id be helping your son think about his own behaviour and how to deal with anger etc. At the same time I'd want a copy of that cctv from the time and place she says he pushed her. If you wait too long it might be wiped.

Sorry if this has been said, and also sorry if it causes alarm, but even if the police don’t take further action, the university may well do so

Yes, this is where I was going with raising what the girls parents may do, that they may be pushing the uni , and you're right, they will have their own rules, but irrelevant if he physically assaulted her or not, the verbal abuse may be enough to ensure safeguarding measures need to be put in place for her.

And my experience is unis tend to be very cautious in this sort of thing to ensure any abuse is prevented, because if she reports it, and they do nothing, and it happens again, or worse, they may be liable.

Places I've worked with cctv erased the tapes after 1 week. If the cameras were working.

If there is any chance that cctv could support your ds' version of events it needs to be pursued as a matter of urgency.

Get a lawyer. Your son's got more red flags than a beach in shark mating season.

There is no such crime as verbal assault. There is common assault, s47 assault, s20 and s18 wounding. Assault in this meaning, does not mean a physical act. It means to put somebody in fear of immediate harm.

@Truckingonandon no you have completely misinterpreted me. I'm completely teaching them about consent, albeit in a very low level non sexual way as they are currently in primary school.

But I think the issue is bigger than making sure the woman consents - it is also about protecting yourself from false allegations which unfortunately do occur. The two are separate issues. Tommy mind it's not just thinking someone has consented it's making 100% sure. And false allegations is a very good reason not to have one night stands at all.

howhowhow - As a mother of sons I agree completely - I have drummed it into my ds about respecting both girls and himself and yes, although it probably will be seen as an "old fashioned" view but not having one night stands with loads of different people, but getting to know someone first, would offer both girls and boys some protection against false allegations/upset/heartbreak etc.

I'm not sure about that, false allegations are thankfully rare, but often they occur when a relationship goes wrong. The op being the prime example at hand.

And I think it's better to teach your children to treat people with kindness and respect, Because that is what will lessen the risk of false allegations.

Just on the basis of what he's told you about his behaviour i woukd not be surprised if he were suspended by the university (regardless of whether he pushed her or not). The repeated verbal aggression would be enough.

If they were in a relationship then I can understand how upsetting it was for him to see her kissing other people in front of him in Clubs. Still wrong of him to shout or verbally abuse her, especially after Christmas holidays, but makes you realise there are two sides to every story and things are not so clear cut - would be a shame if it affected either of their futures at University. Yes, bringing up your children whether they be male or female to have respect for others can only be a good thing.

If they were in a relationship then I can understand how upsetting it was for him to see her kissing other people in front of him in Clubs

I strongly suspect as this was repeated behaviour from her and they were shouting at each other when he confronted her about it, they were never exclusive, it was more he wished that.

The op needs to not collude in his delusion she was his girlfriend. It was clearly just a casual thing at the start of uni. She says he'd never had a girlfriend before, I strongly suspect he still hasn't.

"they were shouting at each other"

Yes, I think this sums it up - they both sound as bad as each other, especially after they had been drinking - best thing would be for him to move rooms and for them both to keep well away from each other. I still think it would be a shame if either of their futures at Uni were jeopardised because of this.

"false allegations are thankfully rare, but often they occur when a relationship goes wrong. The op being the prime example at hand"

"his delusion she was his girlfriend"

That is contradictory - surely if they were in a relationship as per the first statement, then he was not deluded in thinking she was his girlfriend? If they were in a relationship, yet they were not girlfriend and boyfriend then as a middle aged adult with plenty of life experience, I find that confusing, no wonder this young man was confused and was upset to see her kissing other men in front of him in Clubs - although, as stated earlier he was very wrong to verbally abuse her.

That is contradictory - surely if they were in a relationship as per the first statement, then he was not deluded in thinking she was his girlfriend

My first comment was in response to your general comment that you advised your kids to avoid one night stands. It was not about this specific situation, but you can be in a relationship with someone and not be their girlfriend, a casual relationship, a friends with benefits relationship. A relationship does not mean uou are girlfriend and boyfriend and exclusive.

My second comment was in direct response to this scenario. It appears that although their was clearly a relationship it was not they were exclusive and girlfriend and boyfriend.

How complicated - no wonder he got himself into such a state about things.

I think it's very worrying that he's been abusive to her in front of witnesses.

This is very hard, OP, and you have my sympathy.

About 18 months my DH and I needed to confront DSS about his treatment of his then girlfriend. I had been pretty worried for a while but had no hard evidence. However, after months of gathering snippets of information and DSS also behaving very badly towards DH, we had it out. It is very distressing to see male children in your own family mistreating women.