DS has been falsely accused of assaulting a woman at Uni - what can we do?

[RhythmNBooze]

My head is all over the place and I don’t know where to even start with this. Probably going to be a long post as I want to get all the details down.

Got a phone call from 19 year old ds yesterday asking if he can come home for the weekend. He is in his 1st year at Uni. He said he’s been to see the welfare officer who has suggested it would be a good idea and said he would tell us why when he gets here. Dh picked him up from the station at 9pm so we’d spent the afternoon and evening wondering what the hell was going on. All sorts going through our minds – he’s got a girl pregnant, he’s ill, he’s gay etc.

Upshot of it is the following. He got a call from the welfare officer at Uni telling him to go to the office as the Police were there and wanted to talk to him. When he got there 2 police officers interviewed him (he thinks under caution) and he was video recorded. He was on his own. Wasn’t told he could have someone with him. He has been accused by a girl he had been seeing last term of assaulting her by pushing her. He denies it and says he wasn’t even at the place she says it happened. They told him to stay away from her and that if she reports anything else he could be arrested.
She has also asked the college to move him from his accommodation as his room is opposite his and she can see him. This is not true and he does not overlook her room.

Background to all this is that he started seeing her during freshers week. He thought they were ‘exclusive’ but she was getting off with other people when she knew he was there, usually at clubs. He says he confronted her about it a couple of times and admits he did shout at her. By the time the Xmas holidays came round he believed they were not together while he was upset he was coming to terms with it.
Last week he says he was walking back to his halls from a club with his mates and she was walking in front of him snogging another student. He admits he saw red as he thought she was doing it deliberately to wind him up and so he confronted her and shouted at her. Apparently he said some nasty things to her but he didn’t say what. The guy she was with pushed him away but he says he didn’t touch the girl. This week her friends have been saying to him that he has treated this girl really badly. He then gets the call about the police.

Of course I only have ds’ side of the story but he says he has tried to tell us everything in an unbiased way as possible and whilst I understand there are 2 sides to every story I believe ds when he says he has not physically assaulted this girl. He says he can prove he didn’t do what she has accused him of as he has witnesses to say he wasn’t with her and there are cctv cameras where she says the assault took place. He does admit to verbally abusing her at other times. We have told him that when he goes back he needs to completely blank this girl and not engage with her in any way. When he spoke to the welfare officer about it afterwards she advised the same.

My question is what else, if anything, can/should he do now about the fact she has falsely accused him of something. Should we do anything? Should he have been allowed to have the welfare officer with him when he was questioned? He is already upset that his experience of Uni has been tainted by this girl’s behaviour in the first term. I don’t want his whole Uni experience being affected by it. Can we put something in place that stops her from going near him?

Any advice gratefully received.

It sounds like he needs to let the process play out, tbh. He's admitted to verbally abusing her, which doesn't go in his favour, and he needs to take responsibility for that, and think about his behaviour. He says he will be able to prove his innocence of the physical assault, which is good.

He needs to stay away from her. That may restrict his behaviour, which is the price he pays for verbally abusing her and getting into this situation. He will learn a lesson about getting so furious with someone when your relationship doesn't work out. Their relationship didn't last very long, so he needs to learn to move on in a more constructive way.

I agree he needs to have no contact with her and it sounds like moving accommodation would actually be a great idea for him. There are too many opportunities for bumping into each other, I'd worry about the chance of a drunken row which would then be escalated or exaggerated.
It sounds like they have both behaved badly, your son sounds like he has been too possessive (he should have just backed off when she made clear she wasn't exclusive to him) so maybe have a word with him about that.

I'm not saying the girl has no responsibility here, btw., but he can't do anything about her part in this. He needs to focus on him and his behaviour. If there are any consequences for the girl for any lies or exaggerations, or even misinterpretions, they will come from the university. They will not be for your DS to decide and he may not even hear about them, so he shouldn't get caught up in thinking about her side of things.

Thanks for the replies.

You're absolutely right in that he does need to have a think about his own behaviour in all of this. He hasn't had a girlfriend before (although he wasn't a virgin) and I think he got carried away.

Good call about letting the University deal with her behaviour but is there anything we should do to protect ds?

Well, if he's certain I suppose he could push for the CCTV etc to be looked at to clear his name.

To be honest, although making false accusations is totally reprehensible, his experience at university has been tainted by his own behaviour, not hers, and I think he needs to understand this.

Abusing and directing slurs against the young woman is so far beyond acceptable.

Of course you can't put something in place that stops her going near him. DS has to manage his behaviour so that he doesn't go near her. I agree a change of accommodation would be a good idea too, but he needs to accept that they will run into each other as they're at the same uni and so he needs to be very aware of himself and his behaviour.

He's also an adult so I don't see why the welfare officer sitting in on the interview was even a consideration.

It would probably be worthwhile finding out if he was interviewed under caution or not.

well, I'm afraid he's not exactly covered himself in glory, has he - shouting at her more than once. Which I'm afraid makes me doubt it's a false accusation - why on earth would this young woman put herself through that process?

you can't put something in place that stops her going near him
What about a restraining order?

worthwhile finding out if he was interviewed under caution or not
Can you explain why please?

makes me doubt it's a false accusation
I can understand why it might look that way to you but there is proof.

I actually really disagree about the verbal abuse. Yes not good, but as a female I know how manipulative we can be. At uni i knew a ton of girls who would get with guys and use their sexuality to make a guy jealous. It's not fair either. I think you need to see both sides. She probably was making him jealous and he's easily eaten into it.

Shouldn't have shouted and she's got her way.

I would ensure he sticks to his story and doesn't delete any messages on fb/text. He should ignore her but if she messages/texts send them to you straight away, might be good evidence in the future.

Ok, so he's admitting more than one incident of verbal abuse. He needs to stay well away from this girl - for her sake, not his!

Absolutely he should move rooms, ideally to another block altogether.

If he's quite sure he didn't lay a finger on her, on this occasion of any other, then presumably she won't be able to substantiate that part of things (eye witnesses, CCTV etc will show she's if telling the truth).

I'd be deeply suspicious that he's minimising. If her male companion had to shove him away, he was clearly very much in their faces & behaving aggressively.

Assuming all concerned has drink taken, I'd be prepared to find out that at the least he's lunged at her or blundered into her or something - because he thought it was ok to invade her physical space in order to shout abuse at her.

I'd say he needs to be owning his horrible behaviour, expressing remorse, removing himself from the accommodation, making damn sure he keeps his distance in public, & above all, reflecting on his attitude towards women.

Getting a restraining order against the victim of your son's temper and jealousy is quite frankly ridiculous. You have got to be kidding me here. Get him to restrain himself. And do some parenting.

I think you need to let this play out as others have said. I would imagine nothing legal will come of it but he has spoilt his first year at uni. He needs to learn to control his temper. Perhaps if he starts an anger management course that will help if it gets taken any further. He needs to be absolutely apologetic and full of remorse.

The police and the welfare officer gave him good advice, he needs to stay away from her. That is the best thing he can do to protect himself.

He accosted this young woman, shouted at her saying 'nasty things' and verbally abused her at other times. She is probably afraid of him, with good reason. Why go through a legal process to get a restraining order? He just needs to make sure he stays away from her.

From what you have written, it doesn't sound like the police are going to take things any further. With luck, he will never have to go to court with his proof.

It sounds like it’s your son who needs the restraining order, not her. He has already admitted being verbally abusive and the man she was with has had to push him away from them. FWIW, you don’t have to lay a finger on someone to be guilty of assault. His abusive and threatening behaviour is enough.

He needs to take responsibility for what he has done and act accordingly.

Moving out probably would be the best thing for all concerned.

Whether she was intentionally making him jealous or not is beside the point - he needs to be able to manage his emotions so as not to act abusively to people. In a way this is a wake up call for him. He can only control his own behaviour, not other people's.

you don’t have to lay a finger on someone to be guilty of assault. His abusive and threatening behaviour is enough.
I didn't realise this so point taken.

He is already upset that his experience of Uni has been tainted by this girl’s behaviour in the first term

I suspect her experience has been every more tainted by his behaviour.

I really would let this play out and do nothing further except caution him to manage his own behaviour, verbal abuse and aggression is unacceptable. And although he has told you he has proof he didn't physically assault her, I'm not sure I'd believe that without further corroboration to be honest, he has behaved very badly indeed and the girl must be scared of him.

Sorry, and if I was you I'd request he moves rooms, what he has done can't be taken lightly, and I think it's fair to assume he has given you a sanitised version, the simple fact he didn't tell you what his abusive comments were tells you all you need to know. The other fact that the guy she was with had to push him away shows how threatening he was being.

Are you funding his uni, OP? Because I would be having bloody strong words to the effect that if he doesn't get himself sorted out then the plug is pulled. A university education is a privilege, not a right.

Stop minimizing his behaviour now.

Good luck getting a restraining order against his victim

He’s already admitted to verbally abusing her on numerous occasions. You can’t know for sure that he didn’t push her.

He needs to move accommodation and stay away from her. And you need to minimising his shitty behaviour towards her.

I know you are shocked but honestly getting a restraining order is a terrible idea. He needs to unreservedly apologise, move accommodation and take an anger management course. Seriously. And you need to underline all this to him this weekend.

Yes not good, but as a female I know how manipulative we can be.

What the fuck?

If he was interviewed on tape under caution then as an adult he is not entitled to have anyone accompany him, unless he requires an appropriate adult due to learning difficulties or similar.

He would have been offered a solicitor. If he wasn't then he wasn't being formally interviewed.

You cannot apply for a restraining order, they are given at court on conviction of an offence. You could look at a non-molestation order, but they are for genuine victims of domestic abuse and no court would grant one based on the circumstances you have described here.

If you want to look at a civil injunction then speak to a solicitor, however, the easiest and cheapest solution is for your son to take responsibility for his own actions, and actively avoid her.