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Original poster

Aibu-BIL & SIL split up - we still want to see the kids

81 replies

mumontherun14 · 06/05/2017 08:38

My husbands brother met his partner when they were both really young (late teens). They were together for 13 years and have 2 kids similar ages to ours. We all live in the same town. Over the years they have been off and on a lot. We have always seen the kids for birthdays, family parties, Christmas, school hols, sleepovers etc. My mother in law was always very good to the kids and would make every effort with them. My BILs partner had a bit of a troubled past and used to drink a lot at the weekends and was prone for drama/fighting with my BIL. He was no angel either and they were always arguing esp at weekends. Every time they fell out his partner would phone/text my mother in law and make threats and tell her if she didn't sort out her son then she wouldn't get to see the kids. This went on for years and my MIL tried her best to speak to my BIL and then they would usually make up again and it would all be forgotten. Now it seems they have permanently split up. My BIL has been out of the house for a few months and he has met someone else but it is very early days. He has got himself in a more steady place and has been working away with his job where he has good prospects. He has financially supported his partner for the past 13 years as she has never worked. Now he is going to pay her maintenance every week which seems to be the main thing she is concerned about. Our main concern is getting to see the kids and also for my MIL to get to see them as she adores them and has always kept up a good relationship with them. Do any of you have any advice? I think he will have rights for regular access ? Thanks! Xxx

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 06/05/2017 08:43

Financially supported his partner Hmm Do you mean she stayed at home and cared for their 2 children which allowed him to work to support their family?

As for seeing the kids then it is up to BIL to maintain those relationships with his family when he is with his children.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/05/2017 08:44

You can still ask her to see the children, it doesn't necessarily have to be arranged by bil. It'll depend on what suits them and their mum best.

Chloe84 · 06/05/2017 08:50

Is the same family where the MIL forced her teen son and his GF to get married because GF was pregnant?

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/05/2017 08:54

I didn't mean that to sound harsh, He supported the whole family and I think he was happy for her to be at home. And he is more than happy to support with maintenance I just wondered how it would work with access? Does something formal need to be set up. Hopefully it can all be done amicably. I just feel for my niece and nephew and want to keep up contact x

OP posts:
Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/05/2017 08:55

No not the same family they are not married x

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 06/05/2017 08:55

You can ASK to see the children. She can say no during her contact time. If your BIL gets regular contact perhaps you could see them during that time?

iamavodkadrinker · 06/05/2017 08:55

Well yes, of course she's concerned about maintenance. Would you rather your brother paid nothing for his children?

FlossyMooToo · 06/05/2017 08:56

Oh in regards to maintence being her maon concern of course it is! How do you expect her to support their children? Of course yours and mil main concern isnt that as you two are not the ones having to feed and clothe 2 children.

The tone of you post is very "off" Hmm

ShowMePotatoSalad · 06/05/2017 08:56

He is more than happy to support with maintenance

Sorry OP, I don't think you're trying to be goady or anything but I hate that comment. Whether or not he's happy to pay maintenance is irrelevant. He has to do it.

FlossyMooToo · 06/05/2017 08:57

Contact can be arranged informally if both parents agree if not tgen nediation and court is the next option. If BIL is working away then he will need to decide which is more important. Seeing his children or his job.

Marmalade85 · 06/05/2017 09:02

He will only have to pay maintenance for the children and not spousal maintenance since they aren't married so I'm not surprised she is worried, she's going to have to find a job.

They need to go to mediation and agree terms of contact but it seems our brother has moved away so won't be easy.

Chloe84 · 06/05/2017 09:03

Can we stop giving the OP a hard time simply for her choice of words?

OP, I hope you get some good advice.

If not, I would try the divorce/separation thread . I know they weren't married, but it will have useful advice on contact rights for your BIL.

FlossyMooToo · 06/05/2017 09:08

Her choice of words are very telling Chloe
It is a small insight in to how she feels about the SIL.

Didnt realise you were the thread police Hmm

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/05/2017 09:11

Hi. It's my husband's brother not mine. First time we have been through anything like this and I feel my BIL is burying his head in the sand a bit and my MIL is really worried she won't get to see the kids and whether or not they will be ok. His partner is a tricky character she has never been one to do stuff with the kids and she openly drink heavily when they are with her in the house and can have all night parties. The police and social services have been involved in the past.

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 06/05/2017 09:11

A (male) family member of ours got divorced a number of years ago. They went to court to formalise access arrangements. We find we now actually see more of the children. Before they split they would spend weekends and holidays together as a family unit or often with her extended family. Now he has the children every other weekend and spends those weekends with his extended family (including us). The cousins, as a result, have actually become much closer.

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/05/2017 09:13

Hi I am really not trying to be harsh on her. We have an amicable relationship for the sake of the kids but I have a long history with her over the past 13 yrs and she is a bit volatile hence why me/MIL are worried

OP posts:
Original poster
mumontherun14 · 06/05/2017 09:13

Thanks guitar girl x

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 06/05/2017 09:14

So ss have been involved and she is a heavy drinker yet bil is happy to leave his children in her care?
Why?

Ariawyn · 06/05/2017 09:15

He is more than happy to support with maintenance

Sadly posters have to do this as too many non resident parents fight tooth and nail not to support their children

All I read in to this is that the NRP is not an arse in this area, not that the poster thinks they are Nobel material

Starlight2345 · 06/05/2017 09:16

At this point for you and MIL. I would be clear to mum you are not taking sides and plan to keep out of it. He needs to talk to her about access. It doesn't have to be formal if the 2 of them agree, otherwise he has to take the mediation/ court route.

You can ask to see the children but mum is perfectly entitled to say on BIL time with children.

BIL is going to have too look at availability to see the children , Yes he does need to support them but also needs to be available for them so he needs to consider that in his future plans.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 06/05/2017 09:19

Have you asked BIL what his access arrangement is? If he's not got something formal in place, encourage him to do so ASAP, for the children's sake apart from anything else so they know whats going on. If you/your MIL have the space you could offer to host him and his DCs on some access weekends so the DCs don't have to travel all the way to his new home if it's a long way away.

Your family's level of contact with the DNs will come down to your BILs level of contact with his children and his interest in keeping family ties.

LittleOwl153 · 06/05/2017 09:19

OP i think your comment about finances is skewing people's responses here. I assume what you mean is that he has supported the household paid bills / dealt with finances etc whether or not he was actually living there / in a good place in the relationship that week. Now things have been settled he has permanently moved out, he has worked out a maintenance payment and is expecting that she will arrange her own finances taking that into account. It is likely that there will be a shortfall in money ask dbil will have his own living/accommodation expenses to pay too, as opposed to whole wage contributed to family household. (Can you tell I have recently had family go through this were non working parent expected household to be maintained despite previously being tight financially, anticipating working nrp would just sofa surf for 10 years until kids left home because rp 'needed' whole wage to support household).
The question of access is difficult. Clearly there is a history of withholding access as a bargaining chip. I disagree with this as it only hurts the kids. However if it works I can see why it is used.
In the short term I would continue to invite to birthdays, over to play etc as you always have. If you are told it is dependant on bill doing something say that that is between them and you don'the want to get involved. Rinse answer repeat...
Longer term it is up to your bil to sort out how much contact kids have with his family. You can support, offer childcare, etc but you cannot demand and trying to do so will only backfire.

MsJamieFraser · 06/05/2017 09:22

OP I would post this year, because frankly some people on here and fucking pathetic!

Post in legal, as your OP is about the father/family seeing his children, not his fucking maintenance pyments!

MsJamieFraser · 06/05/2017 09:23

Wouldn't

FlossyMooToo · 06/05/2017 09:24
Hmm

And some people are just foule mouthed.