Aibu-BIL & SIL split up - we still want to see the kids

[mumontherun14]

My husbands brother met his partner when they were both really young (late teens). They were together for 13 years and have 2 kids similar ages to ours. We all live in the same town. Over the years they have been off and on a lot. We have always seen the kids for birthdays, family parties, Christmas, school hols, sleepovers etc. My mother in law was always very good to the kids and would make every effort with them. My BILs partner had a bit of a troubled past and used to drink a lot at the weekends and was prone for drama/fighting with my BIL. He was no angel either and they were always arguing esp at weekends. Every time they fell out his partner would phone/text my mother in law and make threats and tell her if she didn't sort out her son then she wouldn't get to see the kids. This went on for years and my MIL tried her best to speak to my BIL and then they would usually make up again and it would all be forgotten. Now it seems they have permanently split up. My BIL has been out of the house for a few months and he has met someone else but it is very early days. He has got himself in a more steady place and has been working away with his job where he has good prospects. He has financially supported his partner for the past 13 years as she has never worked. Now he is going to pay her maintenance every week which seems to be the main thing she is concerned about. Our main concern is getting to see the kids and also for my MIL to get to see them as she adores them and has always kept up a good relationship with them. Do any of you have any advice? I think he will have rights for regular access ? Thanks! Xxx

It's all gone a bit Chaucer like in 'ere!

I could care less, the past few days people would rather just have a go and rather than help the OP with the actual question asked, just want to continually want a pop at posters, even tho they have explained time and time again what they meant!

I'd rather be foul mouthed (which I hardly ever do on here!) than want to have a pop at an individual and not actually answer her question.

Post in legal OP, at least in there someone will actually help you, not judge and have pointless accusations.

Thanks! Yes it probably is legal/access advice we are needing. I don't want to go into the whole history of it - it's just trying to work out how to get advice for access xxx

you could try citizens advice - if SIL won't agree to the grandparent (or uncle and aunt) having access you can go through the courts to get access to the kids.

She used to call MIL and threaten her about the kids when he fucked up.
Honestly if she did that she might be difficult to work with, but either way she's the mother of your nieces and nephews and your children's cousins and has had no chance to find her own career because she was looking after the children instead, so still be nice. Also why you can't judge her being so concerned about maintenance. She has no income, she needs to worry about where the money will be coming from to feed, clothe and house her children. Her staying home with the children, therefore being unable to build up her own income, also did BIL a favour, not just his kids.

Of course he'll get contact. Unless he's a terrible person, even if she blocks him, a court would give him access.

So two choices really. Be nice to her and try to get along with her, no judging her, and build a separate relationship with her and you can see each other with the kids.
Or, you can see them during his time with them.

The OP clearly thinks very little of the sil while her bil has chosen to leave his DC in the care of an apparently unfit parent and choose instead a job that takes him away and a new relationship before sorting out contact for his children. Why should posters provide advice when it will only serve to stick tve knife in to the sil?

Your brother in law needs to seek legal advice. You and your MIL, with respect, may need to wind it in a bit. When your BIL has access he can bring them to see you.

Yes Flossy, from the limited information provided that's exactly what happened in that household

Point proven!

Drip drip drip

Are you looking for advice on access for your bill, or yourself and Mil? It sounds like the latter - in which case :

Your family's level of contact with the DNs will come down to your BILs level of contact with his children and his interest in keeping family ties.
And that's all you need to know - as long as bil remains in contact and a good dad to his kids, you see them through him. You don't have to have anything to do with sil, that's his job, not yours.

He is only away sometimes for work during the week, back every weekend. He had to do that to get more money for the family. She drinks mainly Fri /Sat night not during the day. As I said I have an amicable enough relationship with her and she is at college and has been for past 2 years so I am not meaning to judge or stick the knife in. As I have said I am looking for some advice for my BIL on how to best sort access so thanks to those who have helped with this.

MsJamie read the OPs posts.
Ss have been involved.
The sil apparently drinks and has all night parties.
Bil now works away and has a new relationship.

I think the only point you have proven is you are not reading what the OP is posting

So where will BIL be having access with his DCs? Is he living at his mums when he's back in town for the weekend or does he have his own place? If he's currently going back tot he family home, then that's not going to be a long term solution if they have really split up.

Talk to BIL, if he's going to ahve the DNs on every other weekend, you could arrange to see him and his DCs for part of those weekends, you don't need to deal with SIL.

It is hard if traditionally all family get togethers have been arranged via the woman of the family to make the mental shift to your BIL now being responsible, but there's no need for drama here if you're confident he will have his DCs for access regularly.

The ideal- mum and dad sit down and sort it out themselves. If mum likes to go out on Fri/Sat night then that sounds like a good starting point. Don't forget to discuss Christmas, birthdays, school holidays, bank holidays. Usually MIL would get to see kids when it is BIL day of contact.

If it's not amicable then mediation before court. Dad can expect every other weekend and a weeknight on the week that he doesn't have the kids. As he works away during the week, he'd probably get every other weekend.

I have read the thread

Yes, and had social services involvement, as a ex social worker, I have witnessed and been involved with many different types of families.

Circumstances differ and without knowing the whole facts and circumstances of the family support is always the best place to start, not judgement.

However as always in here the man is always the villain, or in this case the OP just for asking for some advise.

So it's quite pathetic that woman would rather beat other woman up, rather than give constructive advise of the question asked.

We are not here to judge people or have a pop, it really is crass!

And erm NO, Maybe it's you who should read the thread Flossy!

The mother drinks at the weekends, (as said in the OP and another post) he accasionally works away, not always!

Of course she's worried about maintenance, the bills need to be paid and the children fed. You lot will see the kids on his time. It's his responsibility to get access and then mil and everyone else can arrange to see them when they're with him.

Leave her alone. She has enough on her plate without interfering in laws who are concerned only for themselves.

FGS! The op doesn't need a roasting for this post and we can't assume that the children aren't safe enough in the home with so little information.
Re contact, I would try to build a supportive relationship with the mother, and explain that you's like to remain neutral. If that doesn't work then you will have to see the kids when BIL has them.
Is he able to return to the home town at weekends? Mostly, fathers get every other weekend contact and perhaps a night in the week during term times, with a longer period often during the holidays. It's best for them to try to sort this out amicably, but if that doesn;t work, then go through the courts which will dictate what fair access is.
It strikes me that if bil is too far away to return at weekends, then the mother may well be grateful to have someone (you or mil) to have the children at weekends sometimess to allow her some personal time, stick in there, as it sounds like the kids would really benefit from contact with their wider family, it will get easier the older they get, when they can express their wants and are more independent.

Bil needs to sort out his contact with the children and then you and Mil can visit them on his time - you don't need separate access arrangements. When is he having them now?

I don't think anything has been sorted yet. He has been going to see them at weekends at their house for a few hours and is staying in a hotel when he comes home. Thanks again for all the helpful advice I will speak to him. I agree he needs to take responsibility xxx

He has also been taking them out but we haven't seen them yet so that's something I can suggest - he could bring them to us or we could meet up.

Love how you are getting flamed. How dare your family expect to keep seeing the children.
How dare you all don't kiss the ground she walks on and shower her with compliments.
How dare your BIL have a job that sometimes means he has too travel.
And how dare he move on and live his life.

I honestly think you would be better off putting this in legal like a pp suggested. You will just keep getting posters trying to have a go and not give advice.

The contact doesn't always have to come out of his time neither if your MIL can prove she has established contact and been a part of their lives she would be offered some kind of contact through the courts.

How do I move it?

Click the three dots under your post and click report and put in the message you would like it being movement legal.

Usually in these situations contact with the inlaws happens during the other parents contact time.

So I would suggest you and MIL discuss this with BIL. If he is happy for you to see the children during his contact time then there shouldn't be a problem.