Paternity

[tiger14]

11 years ago my husband had a one night stand. The woman (out of the blue, no contact for the last 11 years) messaged him and said her 11 year old daughter was his. What I want to know is can we legally force her to take dna test? The problem is all we have is an email address. If we can take her court how does it work?

Seems csa would be easier... I just hate that it's hanging over us. She won't answer the messages but as we only have an email address for her don't suppose there is much we can do until she decides she wants to. So is it just carry on then in 6 months a year up she pops again........

I didn't think police would do anything as he deleted the emails in anger.... I just can't stand the not knowing....

Just a thought, if the emails have been deleted would they still be in your trash folder? I'm sorry that you are going through this it must be really upsetting for you.

She emailed that demand?

Please go to the police, they really ought to take steps to retrieve the messages and talk to her.

Will have a look and see if we can find them. Then go from there...... thank you

Did you manage to find the deleted emails Tiger?

No so now what? No proof, no address for her and she's not answering. I'm just so angry. My husband suffers from depression as well and he's really struggling with it all......

If you haven't already looked, look at his sent items people always check the trash but never the sent and there might be a copy of the emails in there.
I hope if there is a child it is resolved quickly for their sake. The fact she's not replying though suggests she's just out to cause trouble.

If you don't know her address and she is not responding to emails then there is probably not a lot that you can do but wait to see if she gets in contact again. Have you looked her name up on google to see if you can find any address for her. Did you find out about the one night stand 11 years ago or has it only just come to light.

No I knew about the one night stand, but he doesn't even remember if they had sex. Was a particularly low point with his depression and handled it with drink at the time. Made him seek help so we worked through it and I suppose some good came of it. But it has raked up old wounds... might have a dig on Google etc see what I can find. Just hate leaving it like this, hanging over us.....

I hope you get it sorted and like you said it's the not knowing. I would have thought that if she genuinely needed money for her child then she would go through child support and if this was the case they could arrange DNA testing if your dh is unsure. How old is this woman if you don't mind me asking?

I would just think that she was a piss taker. I would ignore and move on. I know easier said than done but what else can you do when you have no way of pursuing it.

I think I am going to just have to ignore and move on. She must be about 35 ish. So she's old enough to know better.....

Ignore. Wait till she goes to the csa then ask for a paternity test. Nothing much you can do. She will make her intentions known soon enough if you ignore her.

UPDATE - she has answered back. Says she wasn't being malicious in the message she sent me!!!! She doesn't really know where to go from here as she can't afford a dna test! What a surprise. Have told her we will pay our half she needs to find the other half. That whatever the outcome it's not going to be a fairytale ending....

She doesn't know you've deleted the email, I'd tell her you have taken legal advice and your solicitor has advised that her attempt to extort money by threatening to tell you was clearly blackmail, and a criminal offence.

Then I'd tell her you want to see a birth certificate to tie in the dates, at which point if they match she needs to find 50% of DNA test - and by the way, you (well your husband, he should be mailing her not you) would like to establish a relationship if the DNA test proves positive. Therefore, please let you know her thoughts on building up contact.

Thanks think I'll ask to see birth certificate, never thought about it date wise.

If I were you and could afford it I think I would tell her we'd pay for the DNA test after she sends a pic of the birth certificate. But obviously not paid directly to her, you choose the company and go for an actual clinic for her to go to so an independent party takes the swabs. If she falters over that I think you can rest easy and ignore her from now on but I would make sure to keep a copy of all correspondence to that effect in case a kid turns up on your doorstep in a few years and you can prove DH was willing to engage but she wasn't! You shouldn't have to pay for it of course, but I think it's the best way to clear it up and stop it from hanging over your heads. If she is lying she'll soon get bored of all contact from here being answered with 'Of course, please send a picture of BC and we will be happy to arrange/ pay for DNA testing and we will then go from there' every time she pipes up.

We are willing to pay for it but thought I'd see what her response to us saying she has to pay half is. Getting the dna test done is worrying me as I don't trust her.....

If you did a postal one she could deliberately sabotage it so it comes back inconclusive to carry on the drama (if she's lying) which is why I suggested a walk in clinic but there's no way she could tamper with it to get a false positive, even from home. If she's stringing you along and having a joke at your expense asking her to pay half will give her leverage to continue her game. You need to shut her down so you don't have it hanging over your heads anymore.

I wasn't aware you could do walk in ones? You're right. Just been doing some digging on Facebook and she sounds a right nutter...

Sorry, I don't mean 'walk in' as in going in with no appointment, I meant that you can book to go into a clinic to do it. Our local health centre has one and there are several others that I know of but we're in London so it might not be so easy elsewhere but worth a look!

OK thank you