what happens when a contact order is broken? is it "optional"?

[Pendu]

I am at the end of my tether with ex H.

We have an agreement which says the DC should be available at 6pm Friday and back 6.30 pm Sunday. (Every other weekend) I used to drop them because I tried everything to keep things civil , but ex is always being nasty and controlling so I put my foot down and have now said come 6pm Friday if you want to see them. Now he says he can't commit to it (I knew it - he wants an easy life of me dropping them) and might come Friday's, might come Saturday's and as I wanted custody, I have to suck it up. This is amongst all sorts of things like calling me a shit mum, mentally unstable etc etc. DC1 has a Sunday activity which requires commitment and ex always makes an excuse not to take him, which just adds to it.
Anyway, can my ex do this? I never say on a Sunday evening that I can't have the boys because its inconvenient - I always make sure I'm there for them but he just uses me. Last week DH had to take one dc to work and I took two to work because my ex neither came nor was I going to let him keep controlling me. If he doesn't want to take any steps to see them, I want rid of the court order - I can neither go away with my family because he can click his finger and demand his rights, nor can I carry on with my weekend work because I don't know if he will come or not.

I have given 4 years to him for the boys sake (though he has even physically assaulted me when he failed to return the dc once and I went to collect them), he tells the DC all sorts about me (which eldest copies now) - heck he even pulls down his underwear and passes wind in their faces ( he did worse with me when we were married )

I just want an end to the control - it's like his last hurrah . If he had any concern or care for the DC, I would do anything for them... But it's all about control and games.

Anyway what are my options? I am trying to give him a chance to make arrangement eg his wife collect the DC or he sort out his work hours (like I have to) but he's already told me he's not going to and "doesn't have to".
Is this a basis to end the agreement?

would u get legal aid? if so - back to court x

you need to talk to your solicitor

You can apply to the court to have the court order amended so that it's very specific E.g. He collects the DC from you at 6.45 every Friday and he needs to ring ahead if he's running late to agree a later time. You will collect from xyz at 1pm on Sunday. You do not have to wait around with the DC until he arrives and you do not have to take them to him. As pp have said, log everything!

I think making them available at 6.30pm on the Friday and then allowing him up to 30 minutes is reasonable. After that, you assume he's not coming (unless he has told you otherwise) and continue with your weekend.

His only come back is to return the matter to court and his position is absolutely not reasonable. No judge will expect you - and more importantly, the children - to hang about all weekend just in case he decides to take up the contact.

I would also keep a diary of when the contact is actually happening and eventually apply to court for a variation so that the order reflects what is actually happening.

You can't force your ex to take up the contact but you can have an order than reflects the situation correctly. I would also consider making your ex aware of your intentions so he has chance to shape up (not to benefit him, but to save you the hassle of returning to court).

As for him trying to stop you moving more than 8 miles and other nonsense like that - just ignore. He has no power in that regard so I wouldn't worry about it.

Oh, and you say you can't go away? Does the order not allow for either of you to take holidays? That is another reason to consider a variation really.

A big pointer and hard to remember is make nothing about you or personal.
Any texts / emails (try as much to keep in writing so you can save as evidence) should be worded that it is the children waiting not you.

IE: the children expected you at 6pm, after waiting a further 30 minutes they were upset and disappointed you've missed your contact time

Not

I've been waiting over half hour for you to get the kids, you've made me late going out / work etc. Stop messing me about as I can't plan my stuff

Basically you need to word everything for the children ..... it's really hard but is doable (I've got the t-shirt). Lots of us can help you with replies if you need it too