What are the chances of us getting custody?

[MishMooshAndMogwai]

We're starting to look into seeking custody of 5yo dss. This has been building a long time and when social services got involved we were hopeful that things could progress however things have stalled with them and we feel that we should begin to take matters into our own hands.

Dss lives 100 miles away with his mother who lives a very unstable life. She has no family around her as she has driven them all away, has a history of substance abuse (evidence of which has been found in her house recently), a string of never ending abusive boyfriends and has not been in the same house for more than a few months at a time as she spends her rent money on drugs.

Dss has really been put through the mill and although emotionally he seems to have turned a corner and be improving, his education is suffering as she quite often can't be bothered to take him to school. His attendence is 60% so far this year.

That said, he is always clean and well dressed and I am told the house is spotless which is more than can be said for mine!

I am worried about the unstable nature of his life and his education and also the presence of drugs in the house.

At the moment we live in a nice 2 bedroom house but looking to move. We have 4 yo dd and 6mo dd and the children adore eachother in between the bickering!
The local school that dd attends would be brilliant for him with small classes and loads of one to one attention.
The school he goes to is good but there's only so much they can do if he isn't going!

I know that if he was here he would be so loved and supported and he could achieve so much. I hate the thought of him sitting there on his own with a pot noodle slowly turning into her while his mum screams at her new boyfriend in the kitchen.

Social services have been involved for about 2 years and have decided that despite everything (and that poor boy has seen a LOT) he has not been put at risk enough yet. Yet!

I've encouraged dp to support her but there's only so much he can do from here and she doesn't want to be helped.

I can't sit here and watch a lovely boy be ignored and ruined by a mother who can't/won't look after him.

So if we went for custody now, what would our chances be? I'm not hopeful but we need to try.

That's great for your db sedona! I do wonder about SS' attitude towards drugs. In my opinion, I'd drugs are present then that's an immediate red flag and a reason to find a more suitable placement for the child

I'm inclined to agree with you about the drugs, OP, but it really depends on whether the mother is engaging with a drug and alcohol programme. I worked with a family where the mum was heroin addict who also used crack. Her child was allowed to stay in the family home while the mother was undergoing drug rehab.

Illegal.

There's cocaine in her plate cupboard and they didn't bat an eyelid.

She is not making any attempt to stop and has made that clear. Drug tests have been threatened but never happened.

You do sound very judgemental.

why residency would be up for consideration is unclear, unless the OP has omitted something.

has a history of substance abuse (evidence of which has been found in her house recently), a string of never ending abusive boyfriends and has not been in the same house for more than a few months at a time as she spends her rent money on drugs.

I actually think that Mish sounds incredibly balanced in her attitude, she has come on here asking for advice. What she has forgotten is that in the world of Mumsnet, a step mum asking for advice about the wellbeing of their stepchild must first convince everyone that they are not a husband / child stealing harridan. The, and only then, are they permitted to receive advice, but must never, ever express an opinion (particularly about the mother).

Is the current contact court ordered? Do you have dss in school hols?

If residency is overturned it may be arranged your do has him in the week and is returned to mum on weekends for her contact. As well as holidays

You can't just keep him because you can't legally change his school without his mother's agreement. Obviously it would be unwise anyway but legally, that's something you'd have to consider.

You can try it. You can get a change of residence even when SS won't do it. SS work on significant harm thresholds, private family law isn't bound in that way.

It would be a long, agonising road so you would have to be absolutely sure. It sounds dreadful though and I'm not sure I could leave things as they are either.

Get some decent legal advice - changing residence is really not straight forward at all.

Actually op, you sound lovely and caring

If it went through court SS wouldn't be involved anyway, it would be the remit of cafcass

Iampissedoff

That's semantics, she is asking for advice about her partner's child. They are clearly an established family unit, not being married is neither here nor there when it comes to being concerned about the child's wellbeing. The legal aspect is another issue which she cannot pursue personally (but doesn't want to as she is asking 'on behalf of' her dh) but is asking for general advice on.

We have him for 3 weeks spread over the summer holidays, 10 days spread over the Xmas holidays and as much as we can/ time off work will allow over half terms and other holidays. Dp only gets 4 weeks off a year and 2 of those must be saved for Xmas. I am (until May) a student and TA and so work term time only so am available to be with the children over the holidays while he is at work.

And the fact is that I am 100% a man and child stealing harridon.

Yes he is and she does.

You can't just keep him because you can't legally change his school without his mother's agreement

The mother (or RP) can though? If the father (or NRP) disagrees he has to go through the court to prevent it. So if the mother can, why can't the father, putting the onus on the mother to seek to stop it legally?

I am still confused as to why one parent gets to make all the decisions, become RP etc without a legal instruction, yet the other parent can't do anything without the RP's/courts permission.

If the father makes the decision in the best interests of the child, as here, why can that be overridden by the mother, purely because she is the mother?

I would go and seek legal advice, we had an issue with visitation of our children and no amount of googling or posting on here gave me as much useful information as an hour with a family solicitor did.

user

It's not just semantics if the OP is not married to the child's father. We have no reason to believe it's isn't a loving family unit, but the OP didn't ask whether that was the case. She asked what would be their chances of getting residence and most people have suggested that her DP get legal advice and proceed that way.

It's when someone throws in a post wondering what would happen if the OP keeps him there after contact (and the OP says she's wondered about it herself) that people start to get worried.

No, the RP cannot just change the child's school without consulting the other parent.

I will be contacting one mary, thankyou :)

No, he hasn't contacted anyone yet. The plan is till very much in the research stages.

I disagree with leaving it to the DP. Having helped my DH with similar and seeing how complicated and soul destroying it can be, the DP is going to need all the help he can get and is fortunate to have the support of the OP IMO.