Aibu? Need to know from a legal perspective.

[honey86]

I had alot of upset and issues after i split with my psychologically abusive ex when i was expecting. I gave birth but he was with someone else. At 1 month old, i offered to let him see ds. He accepted but then cancelled saying hes taking it to court. At 2 months he asked to see ds after all. It started off an hour each week and we planned to gradually increase it over time and once things are going well then to make it just him and ds.
It started well and it went to 2hrs with me attending. But over the last 2 months hes started slipping back to his old ways, playing mind games, gaslighting and telling me off for what happened between us before. He hasnt requested anymore time with ds til now.

He now wants day contact unsupervised. Thinks i should trust him by now and that ds is used to him as much as everyone else.

This is why im not happy about it- hes been in his sons life for 3 months at just 2hrs a week in a public place therefore i feel its too soon.
- ds is 5 months and gets upset if seperated from me for more than about an hr.
- his behaviour is getting impulsive and controlling, and im worried itll have an effect on ds.
- i think its too much of a leap for ds, going 2hours with mummy to a day with daddy so rapidly.
- admittedly i dont feel ready to leave ds with him especially as he tried to maliciously have my kids taken from me less than a year ago (as revenge for ending the relationship) And hes not allowed contact with his other dc for his abusiveness.

Sorry for the long post but am i being unreasonable to refuse this at this time? In the eyes of family law? Hes started his court threats again. Ive tried to be as flexible as possible, even giving him a lift when hes been late for contact.
I feel like ive been accommodating considering how hes behaved so far. Would a court make me do what hes demanding, or would i get into trouble if i refuse? Im so confused

Agree with bleached

Also get a passport for your DS and keep it in a bank safety deposit box so he cannot take DS out of the country

He doesnt pay maintenance for either child. We discussed the idea of him putting money in a trust fund for ds rather than paying me (as the cb i get covers the cost of nappies etc), but i havent got round to opening one yet. He refuses to pay for his other dc because hes refused contact therefore he doesnt see why he should, and he doesnt want his ex to have any of his money.

He has a problem with the surname because its his name hyphenated with mine, i have my older kids' and their dad's surname (who died years ago), so hes freaking at me accusing me of giving ds another mans surname even though its hyphenated with his. My reason for that name is hyphenated with our names is cos i didnt want ds to be the only one in the household with a different surname- to make him feel part of us. I tried explaining that but he dont believe me. He told me that giving ds another man's name in his surname is illegal regardless of what the reasons are and what its hyphenated with.

All hes been saying to me this weekend is banging on about fathers rights and what he wants and how he feels etc, ds has been poorly with a virus has just got over chickenpox too and he hasnt once asked how he is in that time

I told him that his behaviour, making sudden big changes in contact, inconsistencies and court proceedings will upset and unsettle ds. He got angry and replied no it wont upset or unsettle him whatsoever. This makes me think hes out of touch with the needs of his baby emotionally n that concerns me. I told him ds's needs trumps his and he responded with why cant you just change the bc and name? Which ive already answered and explained a dozen times already.

And he denies ever giving me ultimatums and threats even though i have the texts to prove it. And if i copy and paste it to show him, he denies that they are threatening and denies that they are ultimatums. Its like someone insisting that a car is a bike. Its exhausting

Stop engaging with this man-child.

Stop listening to his stupid arguments about the name. If he'd cared that much, he would have been around for his son's first 2 months. There's nothing wrong with your name - it's now your legal name and you have every right to give it to your son. It's not illegal. ??? What a nutter.

You don't have to prove to him that he's issuing threats and ultimatums, so save your effort. You need to prove it to a court.

Good luck, OP!! You and DS will be okay.

He's not likely to win a court case. He's already been given his marching orders elsewhere, that will be on his record. He's bullying you, and you are letting him (not your fault, it's the pattern) - do NOT give in to any of his ridiculously unreasonable demands.

Keep all the texts from him, but stop answering them. Refuse any calls but save any verbal messages. You'll need them if he does bother taking you to court.

IF he does bother with any contact, ensure that it is still supervised. He sounds appalling, but it also sounds as though SS are aware of this and are on to him.

He needs to realise that fathers don't have rights, nor do mothers! The child has the rights and from what you have put on here I am not sure that a relationship with this man, at this time, would be to his benefit!

As said above, you DO need to stop engaging with him, don't reply to his messages. If he takes it to Court then he will likely be given PR regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate or not, it is a simple process. This would not mean the BC being changed nor the child's name being changed.

Personally, I would write to him, I would offer supervised contact, preferably by someone other than you, but who you trust, so that he can't bully you, in a public place, perhaps a contact centre, for 1 hour twice a week to start. I would tell him that, in the future, when you consider he has built up a secure relationship with DS, then you will look at allowing periods of unsupervised contact. Whatever you offer needs to be in writing, so that if needed you can show the Court that you have been reasonable should it end up there. I would make reference to the abuse he has given you and ask him to make contact only by letter in future until you feel you can deal with him without feeling threatened. I would also make some sort of reference to him sharing with you his intention to snatch his other child and that he must understand your concerns. Suggest that if he is unhappy with this then he should consider mediation, I believe that this now needs to be done before it can be taken into Court or it will be frowned upon. If you need help writing the letter then ask for help at CAB or similar, or there may be legal bods on here that can help.

Should he decide to take the matter to Court then I would be using the fact that I was there anyway to apply for a Residence order and possibly a Restraining order to prevent him contacting you with abuse and threats.

He is full of bollocks:
It is not' illegal' to give a child 'another man's name' - and how could it be? If you gave your baby your maiden name it would more than likely be 'another man's name' - your Dad's, or your maternal grandfather's - unless you are Spanish or Icelandic. It would be legal to call your baby Babyboo SpottedPeppperPot if you wanted to. You have given your baby YOUR name and your reasons are sound. Don't engage, just ignore.

He is outrageous in his view on maintenance. Supporting your baby is not a PAYG matter, nor is your bay on a meter. Tell him that you will be taking him to the CSA.

Don't try and argue with him. Just save the evidence, arrange regular contact as you think fit and as far as it is of benefit to your baby, take him to the CSA if you like. And don't bargain with him. Your baby is not a bargaining tool to be offered up - not his name, not control over him, none of it.

Honestly i tell you hand on heart ive tried to get this through to him ive explained about the abduction threat worries and he denies it reckons he cant remember saying that.
Ive tried to tell him the impact his behaviour will have and he dismisses that. I went through my concerns again and again but he kept answering my questions with questions, questions that ive already answered clearly. Goes round and round in circles. So i eventually didnt reply cos i was getting nowhere.
Unless its what he wants to hear, he doesnt want to hear it.

He did text me this morning asking how ds is after a weekend of just asking out himself and his rights. I just simply answered his question, cos isnt that what i have to do? Update the dad on ds's wellbeing and development upon request?

Yup - just let him know how she is, and for everything else, stonewall him and don't get into the argument. Practice the stuck record technique. Just say 'he has mmy name, he has your name, that's all there is to it' and refuse to say another word. If he chooses to rant into the wind, so be it.

Just calmly say 'this is what I think works for now'. Smile and walk away. Or ignore texts.

His texting you is a way of harrassing you, anyway, jerking your string when he is nowhere near. Ignore.