Desperate - need advice about adult social services duty to support my needs

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I am in an impossible situation & desperately need legal advice.

I have become disabled & am trying to manage my condition & stop it deteriorating.

I just cannot survive on the direct payments hours/ money the council is giving. Literally. I am fighting a losing battle & can't hold a life together any more, for me or Ds (2.5 yrs).

And they have me over a barrel threatening to get children's services involved, or if things are that bad I have to agree my child is at risk of neglect from me, or that it will be good for me for them to take him into care.

Problem is that the hours are not enough either in Time coverage for me, but also just in terms of getting the job done even within shorter hrs.

They gave me direct payments as the council themselves could not find suitable care for me, as their agencies are only insured for adult care & they cannot help me parent Leo or give me respite by taking care of him alot through the day.

I have spent £100s on trying to find someone & they just leave after a week / couple of weeks as the work is awful & my house is unsuitable & they hate working there. They are also not suitable for the job as its an amalgam of nanny/ housekeeper/ cleaner/ carer/ family support ... 11 hrs a day.

New carer has left without notice after two weeks, saying its too much work & not enough pay - fair enough (true actually), but she told me late sat evening when she was due in at 8am Sunday, which landed me in total crisis. Thanks :(

So now Ds has to go away again as I cannot take care of him on my own, (stays with my estranged parents who wont let me see him if they have him, & wont help me other than take him). I am hopeless & heart broken.

Bottom line is I cannot get a carer as the job is impossible, the council are pretending that it's ok they've given me 30 less hours than they originally said I needed (after my condition deteriorated lots as I wasn't getting enough help before that even). They are caught up in their own processes & budget plans, & won't even engage with the fact that as they are failing to support me enough, its driving me & my Ds into a tragedy.

All I do when carers are here is lie in bed & try to galvanize self to do everything that needs doing when they aren't here. I cannot start to manage my condition, I cannot change my awful gp, attend appointments, do daily Physio, or anything that will help me break this downwards spiral, because I have to over extert & hurt myself every single day.

When I ask the council for help, they refuse to even accept the problem. If I tell them a bit about how much I am struggling they threaten me with 'getting childrens services involved'.

They are giving me alot of hours already, but because it's taken every last ounce of health to get them (jumping hoops all the way), I just can't do it on less than them meeting all my needs, cos they are really needs, not wants as the social workers boss kindly suggested.

I can't do it anymore. All I am doing is failing slower, dying a slow long drawn out death instead of a quick one. I always have a plan, & push forwards, but this time I have nothing.

I can't see a way out. It's either plead for help & have Ds taken away from me, or... Or what? I don't know.

Any way legislation can help me? Do ss have to help me? Or can they take Ds away & then send their agency carers in for me? Oh my poor poor baby. I am living in hell.

oh and final thing...

i pay for nursery out of the reduced salary i still get from work, which is keeping the job open for me but won't for much longer - then rent, bills, food and nursery all go out the window :(

ds does 2 days a week at the closest possible nursery to me, so i stand some chance of being able to fetch him if things fall through (which they obviously do all the time due to constant chaos). Council have offered some hodge podge idea of 3 hrs at a time at a council run nursery several miles from me.

This would involve 3 bus rides and be completely physically impossible for me. IF i had constant and consistent carers i guess they could take him, but then whilst taking him they wouldn't be looking after me and it would take them ages to get there and back... so basically its one of those things that is 'offered' but will land me in deeper problems if i had to accept.

They way our nursery provision works is flexible regarding full days /half days but it has to be a very good/outstanding (from ofsted) nursery , private isn't an issue.

Let me check. It WAS true, but I've changed jobs since I worked on DP related stuff. I'll get back to you.

Can you get your MP involved?

Where about in London are you ? In my mind if Adult SS were to refer you to the Children's service it would be a good thing. The CS could then help prevent your son from going in to foster care by funding for the extra services you would need - it costs a lot to have a child in FC - If I was working for you (from what you say) it would be obvious that it wasn't wilful neglect and you would just need extra services to continue doing the great job of motherhood that you are already doing.

I agree - get your MP / papers involved - and good luck

Thanks for your nice messages. They had an emergency merging this avo & the manager is having another meeting tomorrow with their own manager... So fingers crossed something good happens.

I hope adult ss just take it seriously & gear up to help for maybe 6 months or so just to give me a chance to do the right health things... But alot if today was going over old ground & old misconceptions & am knackered without even knowing whether they understand the basics... Nothing ever sticks, everything has to be done from scratch & they are shocked & sorry each time that it makes me more ill.

I decided (privately, not saying this to anyone) that I haven't ruled out children's services, but would need to get 'lawyered up' if it had to go down that route which even at best is a horribly slippery slope. Might work out ok but if it doesn't the consequences don't bear thinking about :( I feel so rubbish already that I can't do everything for him so feel guilty myself although NOT in a neglect way, in a irrational I failed my baby cos I can't be his whole world & sole provider. I am allowing others to neglect him according to my own definition, which is not what ss mean I know, but can't feel ok about it (like he drinks milk at night & I don't think his teeth brushing is v good, & he's had too many diff people fly in & out of his life & nothing is constant except me poor love).

Doublelife, Here is the link to the direct gov page that says if you don't want DPs, the council will arrange services instead. My knowledge about possible useful services relates to Scotland, so not much use to you, but would it be possible to use the hours to pay for your personal care needs etc, and then think creatively about offering someone accommodation in your home in return for some of the other stuff?

I know you said your house was unsuited to having carers present, but do you have a spare room or would moving be a possibility? Your situation sounds awful, and it makes me angry that with enough early intervention, you would be so much better off.

Can your GP or hospital consultant do anything?

You need an advocate DISC Camden, Elfrida rathbone etc ? depends where you are but look up disability services in borough .

Speak to local councillor initially as. They have access to local services and can ask the right questions .

You need to be clear I thin what you need which is maybe two people each day overlapping one more for you one personal asisstant and one for housekeeping stuff ?

And you need to apply for adapted housing ???

If you really want the best for your son then I do think you may need to accept that he will form an attachment to someone else who cares for him. I can't see any nanny finding what you require easy. If you truly believe that you can get better with rest then surely you would get more complete rest if your son was away from you for more of the time? It doesn't stop you bonding with him, you will always be his mother but as you say yourself you are finding it difficult to find someone to do the job. You will still make decisions & if you were at work he would be in nursery care.

I hope it gets resolved but finding good carers is hard given the rubbish hours & pay.

Ffs ss replied today with nothing that will help immediately :( just more processes & burueocrasy on side issues not the main help.

How do I find an advocate?

red I actually WANT Ds to have people he has an attachment too in an appropriate way. But what he's learning is that no one stays, doesn't matter how much he likes them or asks for then, & that he can't trust anyone except me, & I as an adult & v ill am worried that I'll let him down too in the end. It's breaking my heart.

So I need help to maintain his main attachment NOT being threatened with taking that bond away too. He ll learn that he can't trust anyone, or form attachment to anyone. How is that ok for him?

Maybe I'm not making it clear but I know as a single mum the only time I could truly rest & relax is with the house free of children (& those times were few & far between!!)

He will know you are his mum but if he had a good childminder/ nursery key worker then that would relieve some pressure from you & allow you to get a carer that can concentrate on your needs & a cleaner.

What you want in the way of support is unlikely to happen tbh, because that person doesn't exist - the only way to manage is to split the tasks.

Yes I want to split the tasks into diff roles, but council keep bundling them up so it's less hours they have to pay.

I don't want him at a child minders from 8am-7pm 7 days a week (as they suggested), as he'd hate it & get v insecure. They've also suggested nursery but there is a waiting list (a never ending one!) that I've been on for 6 months to increase his days from 2 to 3. If there was another good nursery close by & accessible for me I would change nurseries except can't find one with places. council are suggesting additional days at a nursery miles away, which would be v disorientating for him, or their preferred option, giving me the money for extra days at his nursery BUT with me not actually being able to use it!

In best case scenario is like him at nursery 3 days a week & a good combo of carers who will help the rest of the time, but v worried its not happening & desperate that the things the council are suggesting aren't 'real' solutions for me but ones that look ok on paper so they can say they've tried...

A. Ds in nursery (except nursery no places)
B. a live in carer (except I live in a tiny 1 bed flat)
C. Etc hurt too much to write now :(

Ps friend meeting w Bindmans re me... Thanks for tip

Can you get rehoused? Rent out your place and rent somewhere bigger? Get some voluntary help? Student nursery nurses maybe? Au pair?

i rent mine, & cannot afford to move unless council helps & i get a council/ housing association property. mine is awful to live in and contributes to people not wanting to stay... not nice to work in as well as live in