DS1 and his stepmum.

[CouthyMow]

Long story, cut short, but may mean an element of drip feeding. DS1 is 10yo now.

Ex has had a court order for access to DS1 since he was 3yo. He moved in with his current partner when DS1 was 4yo. She already had a child from a previous relationship. He is now 7yo, and has been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. Ex and new partner now have two other children, a son who is about to turn 3yo, and a daughter who is 7mo.

DS1 has had numerous problems with his SM, and her actions (I feel it borders on cruelty/ emotional abuse), he complains about not wanting to go, which has me telling him, bright and breezy, that he has to go.

He went there last Friday, for a week. He came back yesterday evening. He started telling me about an argument between his dad and his SM, about her selling my Ex's computer game to buy yet another wrap sling.

The row went on till 5am, when SM walked out WITHOUT the 7mo baby, who is ebf. No bottles in the house, no money left for Ex (she took all the money), no phone (ex not allowed a mobile) and no keys as she took them.

She was gone till 11am that day. Ex and DS1 were 'juggling' (DS1's words) a 7yo with Autism, an almost 3yo with development delay AND a very hungry screaming 7mo. When she got back, DS1 asked if she could help with the baby, and she grabbed his wrist. He has fingertip bruising on his wrist. Which I had noticed, and was what prompted the discussion.

She stormed upstairs, but her 7yo was on the stairs. She tried to hit the 7yo, but he ducked.

She stayed in her room for half an hour, during which time, Ex was dealing with the 7yo & 3yo, and DS1 was dealing with the hungry 7mo.

In the end, DS1 went upstairs and tried to get her to come and feed her baby. He called her an idiot and told her that sulking in her room like that made her an 'overgrown teenager'. She went to hit him, he shouted "DON'T", and his 7yo Sbro ran out of his room, and pulled him backwards so that it didn't connect.

DS1 has told me that it is far from the first time she has raised a hand to him, though this was the first time he really knew she was going to hit him.

Another 20 minutes later, she still hadn't fed the baby, so he took the baby up, pushed the baby into her arms, and told her to do what she had to do, and stop acting like an overgrown teenager.

The thing is, Ex has spoken to DS1 in confidence, and told him that he can't leave, as he then will be unable to see or protect the toddler and baby (she WOULD make it difficult for him to see them, she has form with her 7yo's dad), and if DS1 stops going there, then Ex would be unable to see him, as she would kick him out if he went out to see DS1.

DS1 has told me to leave it until SM DOES hit him, because then she will be put in prison, and his dad will get custody of the little ones, and he will then be able to see his dad and his brother and sister without his dad losing his other DC.

My 10yo is willing to be physically hurt in order for his dad to not lose out on his little kids and to still see his dad without her there.

Can't get a solicitor, Ex is with the best firm in town, my other Ex (Ex-P) has tied up 5 other firms, and my old one no longer takes legal aid (am on benefits).

Where can I go to for advice? I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and so does DS1.

To complicate matters, I don't want to put additional stress on DS1 as his 11+ is in September, and he NEEDS to get into the Grammar school.

Grrrrr. I'm alternately fuming and upset.

And the worst thing? As he had a GENUINE accidental injury to his tooth while he was at his dad's, and the fingertip bruising has had half a week to heal, I'm not going to be able to prove fuck all. I only recognise fingertip bruising as I was physically abused as a child. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Where do I go for advice, when I can't get a solicitor? My friend suggested Women's Aid, but he's a child?

Thinking of you both

Have they gone? How is DS?
Hope you are ok xxx

Are you ok couthy? I guess you and ds are processing the visit, does it feel optimistic?

The SW listened to me, then spoke to DS. He said that DS is very eloquent, and can talk about things as well as most 16yo's (which I knew). He said that what DS had said matched what I had said.

He told me that if it happens again, to call the police, but he couldn't personally advise me not to send DS, as he wasn't opening a CP case yet.

He advised me to try to phone my ex. Let's just say that did NOT go well.

Denial, accusations thrown at me of 'misinterpreting' what DS had told me for my own gains (like what, considering the SW was convinced too?), telling me that I shouldn't have contacted SS, it was out of order and "you just don't do that, you shouldn't involve SS without asking me if you should", telling me that I involved SS 'for the attention'.

Well, considering they are the LAST people I would wish to draw attention to myself with, given my prior history with them, that's tosh. I went to them because I have concerns for my child's safety!

Ex told me that it was a 'complete fabrication'. Well, he would say that, wouldn't he!

He later spoke to DS on the phone, though I had it on speakerphone. He was trying to change DS's mind, tell him that that never happened, etc. DS got upset with that, so I ended the call.

Ex rang back a while later, and spoke to DS again (I asked DS first, would have said no if necessary). He then said to DS that he (ex) must have amnesia as he doesn't remember that. Then he said that maybe someone could have moved him out of the way of he was in the way (hard enough to leave fingertip bruising?!), then he said to DS that he doesn't remember it happening LIKE THAT.

Which to me says it DID happen, but he can't admit it.

So now I am facing a DS who doesn't want to be near his SM, but still wants to see his dad, his dad stated on the phone to me that his family comes as a package (when I explained that DS feels uncomfortable when there for more than 3 days at a time, due to his SM), and a general air that contacting SS wasn't the right thing to do overall.

It has been agreed that Ex will phone me tomorrow. What he doesn't yet know is that the SW will be in contact with them tomorrow, and will want to see them. The SW wants to talk to DS's Sbro, alone, to DS's dad, alone, and also to DS's dad and SM together.

So a whole ton more of shit is going to hit the fan tomorrow.

DS told the SW that he doesn't want to be there for more than 3 days at a time. Which is going to be unworkable without a court visit. I can see this ending up back in court.

The SW advised me to take some legal advice. DS is now very worried that they are going to punish him of he goes there. For telling me the truth. And I don't have ENOUGH grounds to stop access.

Great. I try to do the best for DS, and in all probability, have made it worse. I just hope he is as open next time.

It's awful that they won't open a case with what DS has told them. Basically I have to wait for her to ACTUALLY hit him, not go to hit but miss. Before they can actually open a CP case. So I have to leave him in danger until she DOES make contact.

Well if they're there tomorrow then they are at least investigating? And you can still report the assault to the police - you don't have to wait for a second assault. how about filling the paper with the court yourself? Could you maybe do that?

I do appreciate how hard this must shook be. Is there anything mners could do to help?

I'm going to take some legal advice tomorrow. Just need to find a blooming solicitor first!

What can MN do? Hand hold? I still have the phone call from Ex tomorrow to get through, and the aftermath of the SW's visit to ex.

When I told ex about the advice I had received from the SW, and SM realised I had contacted SS, I could hear her going STELLAR in the background, to the point where ex had to move to speak to me.

So now I'm even more worried about what is going to happen to DS.

His dad is trying to, well, what's the word, erm, tell DS that it didn't happen so vehemently that DS just wants it all to go away. Tbh it almost seems like brainwashing. But still, despite all this, DS is adamant that it happened the way he described it.

Ex said that I shouldn't have involved SS unless the bruising was 'extensive or very very dark'. Well, yes, that is generally what someone trying to cover up abusive behaviour would say.

Unless they have something to hide, I can't see what the issue is with SS tbh. They came out, spoke to me, spoke to DS, and gave me some advice on next moves.

I have nothing to hide, so what is the issue? Unless they do. Which, of course, they do.

No wisdom to add, but this is madness. There is threatened and attempted violence against a child - how can that not be a child protection issue?.

Couthy - thinking of you. Wish there was something practical I could do to help.

I think that without reporting it to the police, that ship has passed as the bruising itself has healed, the incident was a week ago. Tbh, even the SW said as much.

I'm going to seek out a solicitor, I am obviously going to need one.

DS was asked by the SW what he would do if he could wave a magic wand, and the only things that changed were the things he wanted changed.

DS's answer? I wish my dad had met someone else, instead of her, but my brother and sister were still the same people. But that can't happen because if my dad met someone else, they would have been different children, so on reflection, I'd just like it if I could see my dad and brother and sister without SM there.

Because by the time they came out, the bruising had faded. They wouldn't look at my photo either, because, in the SW's words "I believe you, your DS's story corroborates yours, but without calling the police, at the time, there's not much that I can do this time".

So basically, it has to happen again, and I have to call the police straight away (or as soon as he comes home), and THEN they will open a CP case and agree that contact has to be stopped.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have done the right thing. You ex sounds scared of SS, probably because he knows exactly what did happen and he will be shitting himself about it. How dare he tell your son that 'it didn't happen', I would seething.

Your ex sounds like he needs to grow a pair, his treatment of your child is terrible. I hope he comes to understand that it is his duty, as a parent, to fight through hell and high water to create a safe and secure environment for your son during contact, even if that means building up contact again.

IME, one thing I know, is that children don't tend to lie about things like this, and the SW will know that. The SW will go there tomorrow with what your son said at the forefront of his mind. It'll be interesting to see if SM lets the SW speak to their elder child, thatll speak volumes.

You sound like a great parent, and your son sounds like a very sensible young man. I hope he is OK.

Your ex should be doing everything in his power to make this better, and make your son feel safe

I would want some contacts out of the home, with just your ex and half siblings. Try and build up some trust. Infact, I would offer that to him (whilst also seeking legal advice).

IIRC, faded bruises do show up under a forensic light so they may still be able to see them even when invisible to the naked eye. It's worth a try.

Thing is, ex has stated that his family come as a package, and DS can't see him without seeing them ALL (including SM).

DS knows this. DS doesn't want to stop seeing his dad. Therefore, DS feels he has no option but to carry on going there.

I highly doubt SM will let the SW talk alone with DS's Sbro. In fact even DS raised his eyebrow and pulled a face when the SW said he would need to do that.

Problem being, DS's Sbro having Autism does complicate the issue somewhat, as even DS has told me that all he will recall is that 'Mummy got angry and shouted and shouted', and DS feels that his Sbro will be unable to recount what actually happened.

DS feels let down by his dad, and also let down by SS, as nothing is really going to be done.

He is fine for now though, we had a cuddle and a chat before he went to bed. He has told me that when he does go back, he will tell me what the recriminations of this have been, and also if anything else does happen in the future.

He also asked me who else he could tell if something happened on a school night, and he wasn't going to see me until that afternoon. I told him that he could talk to the teacher at breaktime, and they would contact me. And they are trained to deal with things like that.

Was that the right thing to do?!

I am feeling delicate (not my usual state!) and am even avoiding AIBU as much as i can since this happened, most unusual for me!

My friends have been a great support. The only people that seem to think that I was wrong to contact SS are my Ex and DS's SM.

It's unfair of your ex to 'blackmail' your son like this, which is what it looks like. If he does want to go back, can you send him with a phone so he can call you if he's worried? I wouldn't send him back to be honest with you. I know it's his father, but a child's safety is paramount. Do see what the solicitor says though, it may be the wrong thing to do.

I've looked it up for you, they can use forensic photography to detect bruises which look healed to the naked eye.

Oh you have such a lively relationship with your DS, I really want to hug you both.

You said the right thing to him absolutely. Child protection is at the top of their list. I'd even go as far to say as "don't wait for break time, tell your registration / form teacher straight away".

Go to the court tomorrow, set the wheels in motion, even just for this weekend / the next couple of weeks until SS can decide what they will do once they've spoken to Ex and the witch SM.

Police should still take it seriously even a week after the event. I strongly suggest you do this so DS can dial 999 if it happens again.

I had to report a common assault 48hrs after the event. The red marks had gone but the police still took statement and gave the woman (Dsis's (now) ExH's Mistress) a warning.
Assault needs to be recorded to help build a case for the courts / SS.

Lovely^

DS's dad & SM won't allow him to take his phone there, he can't hide it anywhere either, he has no privacy there. They look in his bag, and if he has it they take it away as "a 10yo doesn't need a phone". Yet I only bought it because his dad had been promising since Christmas and hadn't gone through, and I wanted DS to be able to ring me if he needed an adult when he was going to the park!

He can't use the home phone to ring the police (or me) because it is in the front room.

If he tries to sneak anything in, it is usually found by his Sbro, who tells his mum, as DS's Sbro sees things quite black and white due to his Autism, and having a phone hidden is breaking the rules, and therefore wrong. DS shares a room with his Sbro...

No way of him ringing me or the police. They even keep the door locked with no key in it - a fire risk IMO, but there you go.

So he can't leave when he's there.

The SW doesn't think it's right to get the police involved THIS time, but has told me it must be the first thing I do if it ever happens again. I think I need to follow the SW's advice, and go the legal route via solicitors, rather than through the police.

Oh what an awful situation to be in

Of course you should do a SW suggests, I suppose they will have a record of it so at least someone official has that info.

It must be driving you mad though

No advice re;the awful situation your DS is in, however, I can confirm that all adults in schools have to undergo regular child protection training and would be obliged to follow this up if your DS tells them about it. You might even find that there is somebody in school who acts as a well - being mentor and may well have had specific training in listening to children who are having emotional problems of any kind.

I sincerely hope it all works out in your DS's best interest.

Of course it's driving me mad, if I didn't have DS and my other DC's to think about, I'd be taking a two by four to her.

I can't though. I have to be rational and sensible, for DS's sake.

Doesn't mean I can't THINK of all the ways I'd like to kill her though!!

(Loses rationality there for a brief moment! )

I am 'allowed' to call him when he is there, but I haven't in the past, simply because it is 'intrusive' according to the solicitors. Ex doesn't call me when DS is at mine, and I am expected to respect that when he is there.