Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Help me! Do i have to go to mediation???

33 replies

MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 18:56

Some of you may recognise me but i have name changed, so please dont tell of me, its a permanent thing too.

Well today (6weeks later) i received a letter from my solicitor in regards to the divorce and contact through a contact centre.

He has said he is reluctant to accept it blah blah, denies the domestic violence and says he wants a divorce because i was irrational and unreasonable.

His solicitors are being quite pushy on the mediation, or they are threatening to go to court, but they want to settle it amicably. I do not wish to have direct contact with him,

Do i have to go to mediation, and do i now need to go into detail with my solicitor in regards to the domestic violence, as i held most of it back on our first meeting?

OP posts:
olgaga · 15/02/2012 19:20

Knowing your previous threads, OP, I think it will look very bad if you don't go to mediation.

LilacWaltz · 15/02/2012 19:24

If it goes to court then it's a legal obligation to attempt mediation first.

Also, it can be done in 2 separate rooms if you don't want to see him, but you will have to face him in court

LilacWaltz · 15/02/2012 19:25

You should be up front with your solicitor!!

MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 19:53

So mediation is an option, i just dont want to be pressured into anything or have contact with him. For obvious reasons, he was very violent and even stabbed me. I always assumed mediation, was sort of sit at a table and talk, just with a solicitor present.

Would his mother be allowed to attend? Only she is also an issue. Anyway, if he is agreeable to contact through a contact centre what is there to mediate thinking about it??

Our divorce has no assetts, i have a little money saved SINCE seperating, but not much, and all we have is debts. So what is left to mediate?

I do have an appointment with my solicitor on monday but wanted some sort of imput before then, so i know sort of where i stand.

Thank you for not outing me olgaga, he i think may have found me on here, hence the permanent name change.

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 19:55

I didnt want to get it any messier than necessary. Also at the time, i suppose i didnt feel strong enough.

I have a housing decision i am waiting on, which i should get by monday too....again everything happening at once!

OP posts:
babybarrister · 15/02/2012 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 20:17

Thank you baby barrister. He is denying there was any Domestic violence, but all reports from doctors and health visitors report to suspicions of it.

Would it look bad if i just refused to attend? How are the courts likely to view it?

OP posts:
babybarrister · 15/02/2012 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 20:47

Thank you. He did stab me in the leg, but i never reported it. He is denying it, but the doctors and health visitors reports should help, if i am right? Sorry to pick your brain. Guessing you work in law by your name! Shouldnt make assumptions i know. Sorry if i am wrong.

What actually happens at mediation?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/02/2012 21:49

If you don't tell your solicitor everything in detail how can they represent or advise you properly? Makes no sense. And worse might make you look as tho you adding stuff for effect ....

No need to have his mother at mediation she is not a party to the divorce ?
Mediation should be safe and a good mediator would spot if he is being abusive. You should not have to if there has been d v But if court orders it then best to go along and tell mediator your concerns .

I did agree to go to a sort of mediation with exp which was a disaster but in a way helpful because it showed him up. Have set phrases to say "I am thinking of the best interests of the dc"
"it is in the dc best insert that......

And not be drawn into defensive position

Mediation wil only work if you both prepared to sit and discuss practicalities

If he or you try and use it to accuse the other then it will be pointless....
But a good mediator would stop the session ?

MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 21:57

I just decided not to go into intense detail. There are some on my medical records though, and she only asked why i left, etc, and had told the police etc about the incident. At the time i didnt feel very strong in myself. Now the longer we have been apart the better and stronger i feel, people see the change in me, and i feel better too.

I think it is in dc's best interest for me and xh to have no contact, as this would effect me emotionally and therefore affect the child too

Does that sound reasonable? Or not? The court havent ordered it, its something his soliitors are suggesting and if contact is sorted, whats there to sort with the divorce? Just sign the papers and send them nback, which i will do asap, i will even send them back special delivery!

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 22:01

The way i see it is, the divorce is sorted, the tenancy he can have, i am hopefully going to be housed, we have about equal debts (unless his drugs ones count) no savings etc, so nothing to split, so dont see why the divorce needs to go there.

What is likely to be discussed?

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 22:04

Will my legal rep be there? My ex MIL, seems to think she has a right to be every where!!

OP posts:
olgaga · 15/02/2012 22:20

What is likely to be discussed?

Finance, but mainly residence and contact arrangements in relation to your child.

You have said here and previously that there is no record of any DV or the abuse of your DS. I am a little surprised to hear that you now have a solicitor acting for you but didn't think to at least tell him/her about it either. Do you see how difficult this makes it for people to decide whether you are being truthful, or just embellishing your story for effect?

olgaga · 15/02/2012 22:20

It will be just you, him and the mediator.

cestlavielife · 15/02/2012 22:35

Will he go to contact centre?
What contact is there at the moment ?

MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 23:15

There is no contact. I did tell my solicitor there was domestic violence but didnt go into the gorry details of it, and detailed the last incident. There is, as i have a letter from my health visitor been numberous occasions she suspected domestic violence and i had told her there was mental abuse, so there is some proof. My solicitor is aware of the violence, just not how extreme it was. She asked me to outline a TYPICAL incident, well incidents were every day at least once if not more a day so i went into it a little, and she said, that was all she needed for now.
He hasnt abused my son, just me. Fortunately, but he is aggressive when on alcohol and cocaine and if i am not there, i worry who it is he will take it out on. There were unfortuanetly no police reports, but since the cou ncil said no, i have found out a fair bit on my medical records do show suggestions of domestic violence and they had been noted, so the council are no longer denying it ever happened. Just still want me to return. In fact that was the reason social services were involved after my post natal depression, and such close health visitor supervision, not cos of me cos of him.

I felt ashamed and weak, when i spoke to her, A friend came with me and i felt ashamed in front of them to go into every thing. Now i feel i may have to. Surely though, what i did tell her should be enough.

I told her he would strangle me, hit me pull my hair. He had strangeld me on more than one occasion until i blacked out, that he was taking cocaine and was an alcohol dependent. That he has a criminal record for violence to a female paramedic and that he also has a caution for possession of a class A drug, which was cocaine. Surely that is enough, or at least i thought it was. I didnt want to go into being stabbed, and made to feel worthless, being kicked and punched int he back, and honestly i wanted to blank it all out, but i now know i cant, so maybe i do need to go see a counsellor or something.

He has said he is prepared to go through a contact centre, so that he can have some contact with his son, but is quite reluctant to do so, and have asked that this is put into motion.

It then goes onto say "In the meantime would your client be willing to attend mediation in the hopes that the matter can be resolved amicably. If not, then our clent will be left with no alternative but to issue an application to the court.

I thought if contact (which it will be) is in place the court arent likely to hear it, as long as its reasonable.

There are as i have said no finances to sort out. All but the overdraft debts, are in one or the others name, and i have worked it out, that they are roughly the same anyway, apart from his drugs debts which are god knows how much, but he cannot obviosuly declare them.

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 23:16

There is currently NO CONTACT at all. By the way.

And sorry long post

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 15/02/2012 23:22

Does the nasty scar on the inside of my leg count as a peice of evidence by any chance? Or the supporting letters etc. I suspect he will use my post natal as me being an unfit mother, but i have a letter from my old health visitor saying that despite my pnd, i always provided excellent care for my son, and the new HV has no concerns.

OP posts:
olgaga · 16/02/2012 10:04

What has your solicitor advised you in relation to your response to the letter seeking mediation? You can seek an individual session with the mediator beforehand, and tell them about the history and the fact that you feel unsafe.

You can do "shuttle mediation" where you are both in separate rooms.

www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice/preparing-for-mediation/

cestlavielife · 16/02/2012 12:03

so he wants to get an agreement for contact thru mediation?

if you go to court and they take on baord all teh eveidnece plus fact of no cotnact at preent thn court will prb recommend contact centre for 3 to six months then review.

so if you prepared to offer contact centre for six months then review and he will accept this without going to court, then mediation session to agree and document this might work.

have you visited local contact centre found out costs etc do you know who would pay? www.naccc.org.uk
or is local centre voluntary run and little or no cost?

you need that kind of information in front of you

if you are currently looking after DC with no issues then anything related to PND is past and not relevant.

however - it may be in your interest to get it to court and get CAFCASS involved and a full fact finding .

why dont you tell solicitor you accept
shuttle mediation
with a view to agreeing six months of contact centre contact
then review?

this shows you willing to facilitate safe contact.

keep careful records of contact centre contact.

but - which centre
when which days a are available is it convenient for all?
who will pay/how much is it?

yes will save you time and money if you can get this agreed in mediation - i dont see the problem really so long as mediator is aware of the background issues. an that you have the strength to stick to what your limit is re contafct

does ds want to see dad?

MyLittleMiracle · 16/02/2012 18:07

LO is only 20months and seems not to miss dad at all so he doesnt really have a say.

The solicitor said it would be at the most local contact centre to who the child resides with, which i can easily get a bus to, the local one is open once a fortnight on a saturday and as neither of us work there is really no reason i see for him not being able to attend.

I will go online and look at the costs of the contact centre and find out how much it will cost per session. I feel okay about paying half, depending on costs obviously, but seeing as he pays no maintenance and provides nothing, i feel he should also pay half too, which i feel is fair.

I have a solicitors appointment on tuesday to discuss the case. And where we go from here.

Just wanted other peoples experiences and opinions. Shuttle mediation seems to be reasonable, can there be anyway, i can make sure i leave either before or after him? Will definetly talk to solicitor about these options.

Thank you.
x

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 16/02/2012 18:29

Thank you for the link olgaga looking at it now.

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 16/02/2012 18:42

I know my ex will never agree to me having a friend there, but i think it would be useful to me to sit with a couple of friends, and the help from lovely mumsnetters and work out contact arrangements and what i will and will not accept, if that makes sense?

First of all he is never to have my address or mobile phone number, and he will have no right to know what is happening in my life, unless it has an impact on our son, me doing an online course for example while my son is in bed at night etc, has no impact on him emotionally.

I need to work out exactly what i will and will not agree to.

Can you all please help me, it would be much appreciated. I get solicitors are not allowed and will make sure that it is safe for me to enter and exit the building. I know where there is a place that does family mediation though.

I am now going to google the contact centre and find out how much it will cost. Will the mediation take place close to me, or to his address, or somewhere in between?

OP posts:
MyLittleMiracle · 17/02/2012 08:46

RIGHT i have thought of 4 conditons so far which i think are quite reasonable to expect

  1. It is shuttle mediation, and is understood this is the only type i will agree to.
  2. The mediation takes place in a neutral location, i am proposing central london as we should both be able to get there.
  3. There are no third parties present.
  4. We have no contact, we are in seperate rooms, leave seperately, and wait in seperate areas.

Obviously ideally, i would like to be able to get there just after he goes into his room for the mediation and leave about ten minutes prior to him.

Oh number 5. He is not to have my phone number nor contact address. All contact must go through a solicitor or the mediator.

Unless i agree to open an email account exclusively for this, and this only, which is to be used on the conditions that i do not recevie threatening or abusive emails, and should i do so, i will be deactivating the account and therefore everything will have to go through the legal channels.

Just wanted really to check these seem reasonable and not like i a being a bitch.

Opinions anyone....anything i should add?

OP posts: