Contact orders - Please help i dont know where i stand?

[louisajj]

Hello

I am not sure if you can help me but been given your details via netmums. I have split from my husband for 2 and a half years now and am now happy with someone new. My ex husband was violent and emotionally abusive, controlling and possessive. He was finally, by the time I actually did something about it,, cautioned for common assault after we split. He left the house for repossession and left me in around £70000 of debt and disappeared for around 8 months. I had no money from him for around 10/11 months and I struggled by with the support of my family to get myself back together. The CSA finally caught up with him and he then decided he wanted to see the children. I let him come and visit them but always in fear of myself but always let a neighbour know or had someone upstairs in the bedroom just in case. He started taking the children away to the park etc and then would take them for the day. I was a little worried about it but felt I had no choice. I wasn?t aware about the court system etc. He would often let them down, he was sick, his girlfriend was sick, car broke down, working overtime, weather too bad, many an excuse but the final straw came in april when he let them down again as him and his girlfriend were having some problems. I told him that I wasn?t having anymore of it as I had watched the children cry once to often and he needed to make some committment to them. He refused to speak to me about the children and to come to some sort of arrangement and hadn?t seen the children since last April.

I went to court the other week to get my residence order as he had texted to threaten to run off with them and I now feel completely let down by the system. If I hadn?t have gone to court I wouldn?t have been in the situation I am now. He has been granted 8 weeks of contact at my house whereby I am supposed to leave the house so as not to ?provoke? a situation. The Cafcass lady who came in told me she hadn?t had time to read the file which I was a bit upset about as I felt she should have at least looked into things properly. I tried to explain how sporadic his contact had been and the amount of times he had let them down or been abusive to me but she didn?t seem to want to hear it. I was told I had to give him one day a week otherwise it wasn?t enough and he had to be given the benefit of the doubt. The children desperately don?t want me to leave the house and the sunday just gone he turned up and I did refuse to leave as my youngest was so upset. Instead I had my boyfriend in the bedroom (unbeknown to my ex husband) just to listen out in case. I have also got neighbours who are very supportive and were at the other end of the phone just in case. I stayed in the kitchen out of the way but felt very uncomfortable with the situation. After 8 weeks he is to be allowed to take the children away and a further 4 weeks before he can introduce them to his girlfriend. I fell so let down as he would not have bothered to do anything about the children if I had not gone to court in the first place and now I have been left feeling intimidated, deeply distressed and I just cannot sleep for fear of the next sunday coming. I don?t want him in my life now, I know that sounds awful but my children were just getting settled. WHen he was coming and going my eldest was on the SEN register and my little one with a speech therapist and nowhere near toilet training. Since he has disappeared and left me too it, both are doing so well developmentally. My eldest is off the SEN register and her reading age is above and beyond what it should be and my little one is talking like a little adult and completely toilet trained. That was until the sunday visit. Since then she has wet the bed that night and wet herself and messed herself several times since her dad turned up. She has no idea who he is, he told her he was daddy and she now calls him play doh daddy as he brought play doh. She is very distressed as my partner has been there for a year and she trusts him completely, he is very supportive there for me and the children and both girls are extremely happy and stable. I am now confused after everything why my ex husband is allowed to walk in and get what he wants?

I do have a couple of questions to. If I don?t let him see them even if court order says he has to as I don?t feel comfortable what will happen? I have heard that the children could be taken off me which is the last thing I want but I really don?t want him here in my house and I don?t feel comfortable having him around at all. He will let them down again, he always has and has already said that he isn?t letting me get my way so he will be seeing the kids when he likes. He only wants to see them to annoy me as he knows I don?t want him too. I feel now that I shouldn?t have got my residence order as years would have gone by and he would never have bothered with them, he has been given it by the courts that I felt were there to protect me. Also I have a review hearing in July with regard to this matter, do I have to turn up? What happens if I don?t? I am so at a loss about this, I am not sleeping, I have vertigo and been to doctors who says I am under tremendous stress and pressure. I am hoping you will be able to give me some advice as I just don?t know where to turn. i just want to protect my children from his controlling bullying behaviour.

To be cautioned for an offence you have to admit guilt and it goes on your record, this is not the same as a police officer offering cautionary advice.

erm,yes,you have to accept the caution....its not just a friendly word of 'caution' Melvin!!

it will show up on his record now....so whtever he did,has resulted in a criminal record....

We split up and when i returned to pick up the rest of the childrens stuff (mainly outdoor toys as it was january when we split) I discovered he had sold them. When I went to pick up the girls books from upstairs he got very cross ( actually can't remember what over) but I went to leave with my youngest in my arms and my eldest beside me and he grabbed hold of me and pushed me across the room. I ran downstairs to which he caught up with me and again pushed me to the floor in the hallway. The children were screaming and I at that point made a bolt for the door with the kids. He was then cautioned for common assault after a night in the cell to 'think about things'. There have been 11 previous attends to our home for DV but I didnt persue matters then.

I don't think my ex would sit down and discuss things as I have asked for this over the last 12 months and he refuses to talk to me about anything saying that he doesnt have to have anything to do with me only his children. When he did refuse to see the children it was following his problems with his girlfriend and I stated that while they sorted that out I would rather he see the children at my home and not involve his girlfriend. He said if his girlfriend isnt to be involved he isnt either. I did this as his girlfriend has previously emailed me saying they had split (via facebook - what an invention that is) she had moved out following his controlling behaviour and she couldnt cope anymore. That immediately sent alarm bells ringing in my head as I was worried that he was treating her how he treated me and the children were going to witness this. He also on one occasion had the children and left them with his girlfriend and her family rather than look after them himself. I do not know these people at all and the children came back not only very upset that they hadn't seen their dad all day but also stinking of smoke as the girlfriends family smoke like troopers. I was non too pleased by this.

I have been told I have to maintain the court order for the time being and I should keep going and see how things go which seems crazy. The court order should never have been made in the first place.

@ JBellingham et al :- I have been accused of having been cautioned for something, I don't recall what, but I definitely didn't admit to anything, whether the constable said I had admitted it I wouldn't know. But at a subsequent date a social worker said Melvin has been cautioned for such and such! So that is how easy it is to be "cautioned".

You would know if you had been properly cautioned, and it is misleading if someone uses the word to mean informally warned.

Is that caution for insulting social workers Melvin?

@ louisajj :- In your OP you say "If I hadn?t have gone to court I wouldn?t have been in the situation I am now." However, I think your ex-husband would have been able to apply to the court for contact, so the end result may well have been the same. At the end of the day someone has to decide if there should be some or no contact between your ex and the children. If you and your ex can't agree that a judge will have to and will probably pay a lot of attention to what the CAFCASS person (social worker) says.

@ Resolution :- I don't think insults are a criminal offence. If they were you would probably have been in jail ages ago.

It is a criminal offence to use insulting words or behaviour within the hearing or sight of someone likely to be distressed by it. As Resolution says, you would know if you had been properly cautioned. You have to admit the offence, understand the significance of a caution and consent to being cautioned. If that hasn't happened you haven't been cautioned.

@ prh47bridge et al :- I haven't been cautioned according to your description, but that didn't prevent a social worker alleging I had been cautioned by the police. Presumably there had been some confusion as to what actually happened?!

I wonder when the police are going to caution Resolution? But, as I am unlikely to be very distressed by anything Resolution may say it wouldn't be a criminal offence anyway!

Melv was probably cautioned for using brain damaging hallucinogenics. Stop hijacking the post.

Well whether he was 'officially' cautioned or 'unofficially' doesnt change the point he assaulted me. To be honest the police force werent a huge amount of help anyway. I was told to remove myself from the house to prevent further trouble. LOL, made me laugh. I am not supposed to provoke him. How is picking up your kids stuff provocation?

@ JBellingham :- I don't recall you saying anything relevant to the OP in this thread! Whereas I have.

I am really grateful to your comments Melvin as you are talking from a mans point of view as well and still have given some very valid neutral points and I am very grateful. I have taken it all on board and made some decisions today.