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Original poster

Can the local authority force DH to house his estranged daughter if her mother dies?

119 replies

birdsfoot · 13/02/2011 11:46

DH has two daughters. One, A level student aged 18, sees us and the other does not. For the last 9 months his younger D (12yo)has had no contact with him (her choice). She has stopped going to school, started hanging out in town at night, smoking weed, drinking etc. Her mother is unable to cope, though she encouraged her D to stop seeing DH, and has become more and more ill with the effects of stress.

We hear from the older D that mother's health is spiralling downhill and she fears she will suffer an early death. When the older sister says to the younger one "Shape up, or mum will die and you'll end up in foster care" the response is "no, I'll just have to stay at dad's. Even though I hate him, it'll be better than being in a home."

What is the legal position on this? Can the local authority make us take the child. DH is not consulted about anything the child does. He pays maintenance, but apart from this has nothing to do with the child as she has said she has "divorced" him.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 13/02/2011 20:43

I'm not surprised she hasn't come back with some of the responses on here!

We only have the bare outlines here of what is probably an extremely complex situation. The OPs dh can't be all bad as his eldest daughter sees them and confides in them. The youngest has chosen not to have contact with her father and says she hates him. There is only so much that people can take before they give up.

I note also that the op does not use MN terminology. Maybe she is new and doesn't realise that it is bad form to call her dsd 'the child'.

OhForBoonessSake · 13/02/2011 20:45

i reeeaaalyy hope the LA dont force the 'child' to live with you. for her own sake.

OhForBoonessSake · 13/02/2011 20:50

"Maybe she is new and doesn't realise that it is bad form to call her dsd 'the child'."

i really dont think it is only on MN that OP's wording would be considered bad form.

figcake · 13/02/2011 20:58

I think that the fact that she expects her father to rescue her in a potential crisis situation is as telling as it is tragic - it is almost like a call for help in advance. She is still very young and has many years of her childhood left - with her father's help, these need not be spent causing further damage to her troubled personality.

Does your DH still love her or has he also disowned her in all this?

edam · 13/02/2011 22:56

what a chilling post.

hester · 13/02/2011 23:00

Blimey. It's not very often that a post leaves me speechless..

Original poster
birdsfoot · 13/02/2011 23:23

Thanks for the legal advice. I posted in this section, as this is the only advice we need.

Your judgements etc are redundant since you don't know all the facts.

I suggest you get back to reading you Mail on Sunday supplements forthwith.

OP posts:
tigana · 13/02/2011 23:30

You seek legal advice from people you 'dismiss' as Mail on Sunday supplement readers Hmm

LaurieFairyCake · 13/02/2011 23:35

She's 12.

Tell your useless dh to parent her.

Get a fucking grip.

And before you whine on more about how we dont know the whole story, who the fuck cares. Get your dh to do his job as a father.

RoobyMurray · 13/02/2011 23:38

Because, OBVIOUSLY it is the twelve year old that is at fault here Hmm

yogididabooboo · 13/02/2011 23:40

No they can't. Thank fuck.

the poor girl is clearly going through enough without having to live with you vile pair.

jesus fucking christ. what a pair of cunts you portray yourselves as

BluddyMoFo · 13/02/2011 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
birdsfoot · 13/02/2011 23:41

Thanks scaryteacher - you are indeeed correct. It is complex... and very painful for all our darlings.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 13/02/2011 23:42
sneezecakesmum · 13/02/2011 23:43

birdsfood, regardless of the moral aspects of your post, if social services childrens division are not already involved, I suggest you or your DH contact them immediately. A child of 12 behaving in this way needs support and help. If she needs removing into foster care so be it, for her safety at least. You and your DHs views on opting out are irrelevant, it is the DDs wellbeing that is of primary importance.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 13/02/2011 23:44

What everyone else said.

Please try and think about this with a more compassionate mind. The child is 12 years old. That is very young to be cast aside and deemed a hopeless cause. I couldn't love a man who would do that to his child.

Tortington · 13/02/2011 23:47

if my 12 year old 'divorced' me, i would ignore it as i am the parent.

i do not doubt that she is a nighmare and that there are difficult family relationships inovolved. however difficult situations are, it's still his child.

if the mother is being neglectful, perhaps he should go for custody? perhaps a lovig stable environment where parents have rules would be a good thing no?

Memoo · 13/02/2011 23:47

I hope for the sake of you dsd she is place in the care of a loving foster parent rather than with you and your husband.

GColdtimer · 14/02/2011 01:52

"Your judgements etc are redundant since you don't know all the facts."

Of course we don't know all the facts. But at the end of the day your dh is her father. It is his responsibility to help her. I am sure her behavior is absolutely vile but what do you think is going to happen if she doesn't get some support? How childish (and convenient) for him to say "oh well, her choice" and get on with his life whilst leaving HIS dd in the care of a woman who is obviously not coping.

coldtits · 14/02/2011 08:22

She 12!

You say "It's her choice" when she is 16, not 12!

flowery · 14/02/2011 09:39

Sorry but you can't expect to post that you and this girl's father want to avoid looking after her at all costs and would prefer her to go into care without getting hugely judged. You posted with absolutely no compassion at all, so regardless of whatever the facts might be, that's going to get you judged.

And yes, if you think anyone who judges someone posting as you have must be a Daily Mail reader I suggest you seek legal advice elsewhere.

OhForBoonessSake · 14/02/2011 12:46

OP can i ask, if one of your "darlings" takes a little detour off the rails at some point in their lives, will you be cutting them out of your life with as little compassion as you have shown for your husband's child? or will you break your heart with worry and frustration and do everything in your power to get your child back on track?

scaryteacher · 14/02/2011 19:55

Flowery - I've reread the Op and can't see where it says that the OP and her dh want to avoid looking after the girl at all costs and would prefer her to go into care.

All she is asking is the legal position - if she'd asked 'can the LA force DSD to live with us' would it be different?

If you accept, and many of you seem to, that a 12 yos wishes have weight when deciding custody, then you have to accept equally that this lassie has made a choice here and is making her wishes known.

Just because someone doesn't post in the way you want, doesn't mean they don't care!

unavailable · 14/02/2011 21:06

Scary teacher - You and I must be reading differnt OPs.

The Post Title is "Can the local authority force DH to house his estranged daughter if her mother dies?"
and later
"Can the local authority make us take the child"

How is that not the same as 'can the LA force DSD to live with us'?

TheSecondComing · 14/02/2011 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.