Keeping Away...good or bad

[Mark76]

Hi all

First post...and I'm going to throw myself in at the deep end...

I split from my partner, 8 weeks before she gave birth - this wasnt through choice, her family were interfering in our relationship, and all my attempts to straighten things out failed - my ex obviously wasnt going to go against her family, but the main issue was her mum, who has quite a hold on my ex..But basically, I felt I couldnt go on

I haven't had much contact if any over the last 2 months, shes obviously not contacted me, and aside from a letter, 2 texts, and a card once the baby was born..thats it..

I am aware that her mum had moved in after I had moved out, so I was in two minds as to whether to go and visit...Her mum would probably lash out, like she did on the night I left (and I just wanted to leave peacefully)

I am intending to attempt contact again, this time face-to-face...But I fear that this will be going legal, for what its worth..Will the fact I've kept my distance be an issue when it comes up in court...I only kept away to save any hassle from her family, and so as to not stress my ex out (she has a condition that is stress-linked)

All advice greatfully received

How about your ex partners dad? Would he be able to help?

Her dad is under the thumb of her mum...Admittedly though, hes OK when he's not around her!...lol

What I should also point out, is that due to hormones, and possible family interference, we did the whole "Ross & Rachel" thing..we were on/off for short periods of time..so whilst I can't see us getting back together (well, not immediately anyway)..and her mum will say I can't have one (my daughter) without the other (my ex)

In all honesty..I'm not proud of this situation...but I need to resolve it before things get messy

I knew that you were going to say that Dad would be under the thumb.
How old is your partner? Could you suggest Relate counselling?

I'm 34...shes 31

I'd like to suggest counselling..but I'll have to see how receptive she is to that!...I really really dont want it to go legal, as it'll get messy beyond all belief!

I should add...I do want to pay towards my daughter, I'm not looking at becoming a dad who doesnt pay..admittedly I'm out of work, but I am looking!

whatever you decide do it for the right reasons not just because of the child cos that will never be a good situation in the end i know lol

my solicitor told me the longer my ex didn't try for contact the worse it would be for him in court but it's gone the opposite so you never can tell and also if you explain what you just have i'm sure any sane person would understand ;)

Guess I should make some form of contact, and soon!

It'd be great to patch things up, we did make a great couple, despite the family issues...

start a new life with her away from them lol

Easier said than done!..they're a large and extrmely close family!

You haven't met your daughter? I'm sorry, but no amount of interfering mothers or stress-related problems would keep me away from my child.

Apologies for being blunt, but you need to grow a pair and act like a father if you want any involvement at all.

I tried to see her at the hospital, but her mum had obviously informed the hospital..as I tried to gain access, and was turned away...I tried to explain to the ward sister, but she was just protecting her patients..

Yeah..I hear what you're saying...

Was that only a day or two ago then? Have you tried since?

Are you sure it's her mum keeping you away and not her?

@loopyloops....It was just over a week ago, as no one was keeping me in the loop, so i wasnt sure when she was out

@duellingFanjo - possibly both, but as her mum is the main catalyst..I wouldnt be surprised if it was her mum though

Mark...I hate to ask this but where is your responsibility in this situation?

Surely your partner is not just a puppet, and if she is, why would you want her.

So far all I am hearing is that it was all because of her hormones, or her family.

Nothing to do with you of course.

I am DEEPLY suspicious of a man who cites these factors without any self reflection whatsoever.

And the hospital were INFORMED about you?

Why would her mother do that if you weren't some kind of threat?

and in response to your thread title, why are you asking us?

The entire family has made it VERY clear you are not welcome - so, basically, keep away.

Hang on a minute!

I have self-reflected...when we were together, I put her first..100% of the time...I didnt do her no wrong...so I can't be any form of threat to her...

We split due to issues in the relationship, what she wanted/expected an what I wanted/expected were two different things..but her family had some say in thigs...

I never said I was NEVER ar fault here...

but you can't think of any reason at all why her mum might want to keep you away? Or why she might?

As I say...I put her first..she meant everything, we argued very rarely..i never touched her..I'm not that sort of person.

In her mums eyes, I was never 'right' for her daughter..no matter what I did, her mum never agreed, even when I had a well-paid job, she was never happy with anything I did..she has quite a hold over my ex

well, fwiw I think walking away from your child would be a mistake.
I think you need to get in contact with her yourself if you can and request that you be able to see the baby.

She has maintained some contact through the letter, card and texts. Depending on what they say this sounds to me like she is trying to maintain some contact. If she can get a letter/texts to you then you must be able to get them to her.

if she doesn't want a relationship then you will have to make sure your approach is just about contact with the baby but you will also have to understand that the contact will in all likelyhood have to be supervised and brief. New nursing mothers shouldn't have to see their newborn handed over and taken away in the early days - it's just not practical.

My bad...i sent the letters/text/card to her..not the other way round...sorry

I have no intention of walking away..as I said, I intend to provide and support my ex..I came here looking for advice on a delicate situation!..Cheers for all the positive advice, so far..:)

I'm Ok with supervised and brief contact...I have no intention of taking the child from her

I think you should leave her alone, the last thing she needs right now is being harrassed (as she might well see it) with your notes and cards.

Let HER make the first move if she wants you to see the baby

She is not uncer her mother's control or she would never have stayed with you long enough to get pregnant

You sound deluded
If you are serious about putting her first then do what she says and her mother says and leave her alone until SHE is ready to involve you.

Believe me you do yourself no favours trying to push the issue.

Funny really how you don't know the full situation, yet you judge me...as regards her mum, I know that I am right on this..I am far from deluded, as you make out..

I knew that some people would have issues with what I wrote, and I accepted that...

I'd like to thank all those who posted positively, despite what is obviously a situation, where people like you have already made up your mind