Keeping Away...good or bad

[Mark76]

Hi all

First post...and I'm going to throw myself in at the deep end...

I split from my partner, 8 weeks before she gave birth - this wasnt through choice, her family were interfering in our relationship, and all my attempts to straighten things out failed - my ex obviously wasnt going to go against her family, but the main issue was her mum, who has quite a hold on my ex..But basically, I felt I couldnt go on

I haven't had much contact if any over the last 2 months, shes obviously not contacted me, and aside from a letter, 2 texts, and a card once the baby was born..thats it..

I am aware that her mum had moved in after I had moved out, so I was in two minds as to whether to go and visit...Her mum would probably lash out, like she did on the night I left (and I just wanted to leave peacefully)

I am intending to attempt contact again, this time face-to-face...But I fear that this will be going legal, for what its worth..Will the fact I've kept my distance be an issue when it comes up in court...I only kept away to save any hassle from her family, and so as to not stress my ex out (she has a condition that is stress-linked)

All advice greatfully received

Gotabookaboutit Sun 22-Aug-10 09:05:35
Bollocks -you have as much right to see and bond with your daughter as her mother does! We have so much tosh on here about deadbeat dads who don't pay for their kids/aren't involved etc, but then all this crap about don't disturb or upset the mother.
You cannot have it both ways - its either equal parental rights and responsibilities or its not.

Have you been in this situation yourself?

Whether you have or not, I have.

You are assuming that people want it 'both ways'. Many people do not. They want NOTHING from the father, no contact, no harrassment, no money - nothing.

People will go without rather than have the father involved in ANY way.

Some people want the father involved, some do not, but do not lump everyone in together when you talk about this situation and assume we are all completely unreasonable.

FWIW I think it is FAR more important that a child has one stable, unflustered, non stressed parent taking care of it than two who are at each other's throats, ne of them jumping every time the phone rings and having their 'stress related condition' vastly worsened by solicitors' letters turning up when they have just had a baby.

Children need stability and calm. They don't need a stressed mother. It's far from ideal obviously but just step back and think about it for a minute.

Flightattendant, if the situation is causing the mum stress then that is, frankly, largely of her own making. All she need do is send a letter to her child's father saying "I've got your note, I understand you want to see our child, these are my proposals for contact..."

It's unreasonable to say that one parent could and should completely ignore the other parent and pretend that he doesn't exist simply to avoid themselves stress. And that's assuming that you're right, of course.

If there are good reasons for the mother to believe that the father should have no contact with the child then she should spell them out so everyone knows where they stand, not just ignore him.

We have nothing to suggest she hasn't Snorbs.

I'm going to go further and say frankly that I don't buy a word of the OP.

'I split from my partner, 8 weeks before she gave birth - this wasnt through choice, her family were interfering in our relationship, and all my attempts to straighten things out failed - my ex obviously wasnt going to go against her family, but the main issue was her mum, who has quite a hold on my ex..But basically, I felt I couldnt go on'

'Her mum would probably lash out, like she did on the night I left (and I just wanted to leave peacefully)' m'lud

'Her dad is under the thumb of her mum' Naturally. Evil, evil mum.

'What I should also point out, is that due to hormones, and possible family interference'

'In all honesty..I'm not proud of this situation...but I need to resolve it before things get messy' Why not proud? If it wasn't your fault?

'It'd be great to patch things up, we did make a great couple, despite the family issues...' which are totally irrelevant of course, despite the fact she left you anyway.

'I tried to see her at the hospital, but her mum had obviously informed the hospital..as I tried to gain access, and was turned away...I tried to explain to the ward sister, but she was just protecting her patients..'...was she really?

'I have self-reflected...when we were together, I put her first..100% of the time...I didnt do her no wrong...so I can't be any form of threat to her...'

'am planning to go and attempt face-to-face contact over the next few days (I am taking somebody along as a witness!)'

'Maybe I'm being impatient..but I just want to see my child, and bond with her ....I know I did wrong by leaving my partner, but I had very little choice (and trust me, I'm seriously not proud of what I did)' so what did you do?

How many Freudian slips in one short thread?

This is like something from the manuals of F4J. It's classic stuff.

OP I apologise if I am wrong (which is completely possible - the whole thing is currently totally open ended, these are purely my suppositions) but I really, really am finding it very hard to get past the initial impression you give of someone who has done something they are not telling us about.

You are very vague on the details of why the family has pretty much set up an exclusion zone around this woman

what they told the hospital to get them to comply

why you are not allowed within 5 feet of her

You're right - it doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. I need more convincing before I am willing to get any further into advising you on your strategy. You don't have to provide it of course but it would be in your interests to make the situation 'add up'.

Well..given my head is literally up my b*m over this, then its quite reasonable to assume what you did FA..However, again you're wrong..

I have explained the situation, if i posted everything about what had gone on, I dare say it'd run to a few pages...I never tried to imply I was innocent in all this...Furthermore, this is a far cry from the stuff in the F4J manual.!

The exclusion zone, and '5 feet' thing was purely figurative..as for the ward sister thing, We're all fully aware of how secure maternity wards have become over the last few years!

@Snorbs..thanks for your input :)

@SwallowedAFly - Yes, point taken, but it'll be a case of no matter what I do will be wrong...If I don't make contact..that'll be wrong...If I do, that'll be wrong..I won't win in this situation..and as has been pointed out..If I go up there, it could be seen as confrontational..and in court, thats not going to look good..neither is contact/no contact..

You can't casually refer to acts of violence (on her mother's part?) without expecting us to think either she and her whole family are a deluded bunch of loonies, given to random outbursts at innocent bystanders who may have happened to impregnate their daughter, or that you indeed are the deluded loony who somehow provoked the attack.

It's not just something you can throw in!

I never provoked any attack whatsoever..... I'm not the sort that goes round looking for fights, or anything, if anything I'm the most passive person around!..I'd rather talk a problm over, if anyone thinks they can sort it with violence, then they're wrong..

Neither have I tried to imply anything regarding her family..

I should re-iterate...I never came on here looking for sympathy, I knew that given the situation I was never going to get it, and yes, theres things I could have done, and haven't done..I was working on the idea, that a problem shared, is a problem halved, quartered, eighth and so on :)..

No, I understand that but her mother 'lashed out' apparently and that means she's either a bit odd, or she felt she had cause.

I can see no further detail is going to be forthcoming so will leave you to it, and hope the situation resolves without too much aggro. Particularly for the new mum involved.

She probably felt she had cause..thats all that I can say :-/

As for the info..I thought I had posted enough!...However, thanks for posting

Well in that case there's almost no way this will be resolved without a legal battle.

Do you want to put your child, and its mother through that right now, or give it some time.

This is what you have to ask yourself - and how your answer correlates to wanting what's best for the child.

I don't want it to go legal, honestly I don't..I don't want to end up being the bad-guy in this (although I probably do seem so)

I want to be part of our childs life, and I want to do things right..But I know time is ticking..

As I said before..I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't..

I do see what you're saying..And I certainly won't be leaving it 8 weeks...

At the risk of being seen as 'deluded' - I do want the both of us to sort this out!..its not just 'I' its both of us!

Whatever else she needs she will need time, and patience

and not to be bulldozed or bullied into anything. I hope you can find it in you to go gently.

Couldn't agree more FA..

but as I say, I'm worried that the longer I leave things, the more damage will be done..My main worry is I'll never have anything to do with my DD.. :(

And I know enough damage has already been done :(

If I were you I would get legal aid, see a solicitor and get some proper advice. It doesn't have to end up in the courts but a solicitor can tell you whether staying away, sending a letter or whatever else is the best plan to strengthen your case. They can also be an independant witness that you do deperately want this contact.

If you send money do it by cheque so it is traceable. Having proof that you are providing (if this is possible and if she cashes the cheque) will be in your favour.

Your ex and her family need to realise that this baby is the most important person in all of this. How will she feel when she is older? Unless you are seriously bad, mad or violent your daughter has a right to a relationship with you, even if her mum isn't interested in having one.

@SAF - Cheers for your support..i appreciate, that some of what I have said may or may not make sense, and I have tried to put all the facts down, yet keep it brief..I never said for one minute I was the innocent party!

@whatnolooroll...Already looking at :)..and whilst you only have my word, I am not bad/mad/violent..I just want a relationship with my daughter..

No..I know you're not having a pop at me..but I know that I have to choose my words very very carefully!

I realise the relationship is over, I accept that...But we both need to remain friends, for the sake of our DD..but I need to make the first step in getting that friendship up and running...I don't want our DD to have her parents at each others throats, I want to sort this amicably..If I can get a dialogue going, we'll be OK :)

Totally agree with Swallowedafly, this isn't about you, Mark.

It sounds as though your pride and sense of purpose is at stake somehow.

Obviously you want to do the right thing for your CHILD, but you can't force the issue with her mother. Respecting her mother is what it is about at this stage or you will have a stressed parent-with-care and that will be bad for your child.

I really think you need to send the first letter I suggested, and back off.

and try to remember this fantasy of yours about being all nice and friendly is all very well, but it isn't REAL - what's real is that she has ignored your communications, has accepted her family's role in protecting her or whatever, and is going along with it of her own free will.

She has made it clear where she is on this. She wants nothing to do with you or she would have found a way round it.

You seem to be in denial about it, oh if only her hormones weren't messed up, if only her mother wasn't in the picture etc etc. You're not listening. Her actions speak very, VERY loudly.

I think you are possibly refusing to listen to them because it would make you feel rejected. Well, sorry but that's the case. There's no point getting angry about it either.

You can't do anything but make your intentions clear and then do what they ask. Anything else will be construed as harrassment from what you have said. And rightly or wrongly that means a legal battle, and that will be terrible for everyone including baby.

Sometimes whether it's right or not, we are powerless. There will be plenty of time later to have a relationship with your daughter. I'm not saying it is right that you can't now, but it will be counterproductive if you try and force it. I hope this makes sense. You do have my sympathy to a point.