Keeping Away...good or bad

[Mark76]

Hi all

First post...and I'm going to throw myself in at the deep end...

I split from my partner, 8 weeks before she gave birth - this wasnt through choice, her family were interfering in our relationship, and all my attempts to straighten things out failed - my ex obviously wasnt going to go against her family, but the main issue was her mum, who has quite a hold on my ex..But basically, I felt I couldnt go on

I haven't had much contact if any over the last 2 months, shes obviously not contacted me, and aside from a letter, 2 texts, and a card once the baby was born..thats it..

I am aware that her mum had moved in after I had moved out, so I was in two minds as to whether to go and visit...Her mum would probably lash out, like she did on the night I left (and I just wanted to leave peacefully)

I am intending to attempt contact again, this time face-to-face...But I fear that this will be going legal, for what its worth..Will the fact I've kept my distance be an issue when it comes up in court...I only kept away to save any hassle from her family, and so as to not stress my ex out (she has a condition that is stress-linked)

All advice greatfully received

I can only go by what you say and it sounds pretty odd.

Of course nobody knows the full situation.

I've advised you to do what she wants because she is the vulnerable one here.

You can take the advice or leave it.

I don't think I have judged you, I said you sound deluded but tbh you give me nothing else to go on.

More details might make it clearer if you are not

I have only got what you have said so far.

My advice was about your best interests if you had bothered to register that - about not pushing it, because that will make them LESS likely to want to have anything to do with you

If you wait and give them the space they seem to have requested, you will have a better chance of seeing your child without 'going legal'.

I am trying to stay impartial here.

Apols for the outburst...

It is an extremely odd situation, and trust me, even the best writers would have trouble coming up with the oddness of this situation..but I am telling the truth!

As for doing what she wants..I've heard nothing...but whilst I see the points made, I have no intention of not providing...I want to provide..but until she sees that, I don't stand a chance..

and however pushy her mother is, your ex is CHOOSING to do what she says - this is out of your control.

If you try to make her choose you will likely lose the whole 'game'

She's not thick
she is acting as an adult, and doing what she thinks is best, whether her mother says so or not. Have a bit of respect for your ex and the decisions she is making - ie not returning your messages I take it?

It will look bad if you keep persisting. She might take out an injunction or something.

Apology accepted and I apologise if you're not deluded.

I hope you get to provide for your child one day but there is no call to rush it, it could prove counterproductive.

I know shes not thick...but I know her mum has a hold over her, and I have no intention of making her choose!

But i was under the impression that the longer I left it, the worse things would be...legal or not?

No. They know you are interested.

What I would do is make it formal - write a proper letter, very gently worded, offering to be there for the child and for her if you are wanted or needed.

You copy this and you keep it somewhere safe, and send them the other copy - don't go through a solicitor. That will just put them on the defensive.

You should also keep a certificate of posting for the letter.

I'm not sure how all this works legally but my feeling is, this will be enough. Then they have your details, they have proof you are willing, and you can leave them alone to adjust to the situation without feeling pressured.

Sounds like a plan :)

Hope so. This way you leave the ball in their court, they don't get upset, they can relax a bit.

Be sure to word it very kindly though. No pressure, no threats, nothing like that - just an offer, because you want to do the right thing.

Signed for might be better than cert of posting. Then you know they have got it.

Don't text or write again though unless you hear from them - or at least leave it a year or so and repeat the letter. You are doing all you can without causing them any extra stress, this way.

Open an account to put money in for the baby?

@DuelingFanjo....That was always the intention..One step ahead already :-)

@FlightAttendant - Hear what you're saying..but surely this is giving them what they want?..plus if I leave it a year..then they'll have built more of a case for me not having anything to do with the baby :-(

Bollocks -you have as much right to see and bond with your daughter as her mother does! We have so much tosh on here about deadbeat dads who don't pay for their kids/aren't involved etc, but then all this crap about don't disturb or upset the mother.
You cannot have it both ways - its either equal parental rights and responsibilities or its not.
You are so right Mark76 do not leave it a year do not leave it a month - those first few weeks are so important in long term bonding for Mum and Dad -

Your ex needs to let you see the baby - I agree not to be ''aggressive'' but I would personally be moving to a solicitors letter pretty quickly.

And this is not just for your benefit but for your daughters benefit as well

From legal point of view, leaving her alone in the hope she'll come around is awful advice. The faher needs to show the courts etc that he is committed to regulr beneficial contact.

From a moral point of view, telling a father who has not committed any form of DV etc that he should wait and see if his ex will allow him contact with his child is fucking wrong.

The child has two parents, in the eyes of the law the child has rights, the parents don't. The parents have responsibilities

The childrens act states that every child has a right to an equal and uninterrupted relationship with both parents.

You need to write to her, it needs to be recorded delivery and you must keep a copy.

You need to be requesting;

a schedule of contact - little and often is best for small children and you should offer to have it supervised either in her home or at a contact centre for the first 6 months to allow a bond to develop.

The birth certificate to be amended to show that you are the father - if you are not named you do not have Parental Responsibility, google this, it's important.

Bank details OR permission to go to the CSA for a maintenence assessment - you MUST show that you are committed financially as well as emotionally. If you are unemployed you will normally pay about a fiver a week, try and offer to pay for some clothes or other bits your child may need when your budget allows for it.

Your letter needs to be non-confrontational but matter of fact.You sho8uld offer to attend mediation to allow you both the chance to discuss a way forward in a neutral setting. You should wait 7 days for a response. If you don't get one write again but this time also state that you need a response wthin 14 days or you will be forced to issue proceedings through the family courts to establish contact.

Also, speak to Families Need Fathers, they hve local groups as well.

miniwedge - thanks for putting it so much better than me

I think miniwedge has the right of it here - you need to continue to press for contact. But you also need to be sure that you don't do anything that could be construed as abusive or threatening. Remember that child contact is about the right of the child to have contact with both his/her parents; it's not about rights of the parents.

Families Need Fathers are a very good bunch (not like the Fathers 4 Justice nutters) and will be able to offer sound advice. But I strongly suspect they'll say exactly what miniwedge has said.

Good luck.

Hi miniwedge and got abookaboutit :)

Thanks for the advice..I sent a text, but again not sure if shes got the same number..However, I am planning to go and attempt face-to-face contact over the next few days (I am taking somebody along as a witness!)

The card I sent a few days after the birth, basically stated that I'd like her to get in touch (so that in the long run we could sort out contact etc)...

Thing is, given her family, and the fact that I know they'd pull anything to stop me seeing the child, I doubt that this contact will work, but hence why if this doesnt work, I'll take it the next step :-/

I did send a letter about a month after we split..again..no response

As for the B/C - her family will put a stop to that, trust me...I'll have to take it the next step to get my name on there..

Thing is..I actually don't want it to go legal, as it'll get stupidly messy, and complicated..I'd love to sort this amicably, and thats what I'm trying to show..but I doubt thats going to happen

Cheers Snorbs...like the nick, btw :)

I think you're right in viewing a court case as the last resort. There are lots of things you can try before it reaches that stage.

I wouldn't try the face-to-face contact yet, though, as that can be seen as confrontational (plus it might end up in an argument). Try registered post first and do suggest mediation.

Agree with snorbs, please don't just turn up on her doorstep, even with a witness it can easily be described as aggressive behaviour. I know you are not trying to be aggressive at all, but you have to get into the mindset that every thing you do will be scrutinised,you must be whiter than white.

Please consider going down the route I have suggested, it will ultimately be far less messy than text messages/impromptu visits etc.

Also, if you are unemployed you will be entitled to legal aid, I strongly suggest you go to see a solictor specialising in family law, they can advise you fully and having a solicitor does not mean you have to end up in court. They can advise you properly on your position and how to proceed for the best outcome.

Yeah..I can see the pros and cons!...

Thing is..as has been said before..her family (mainly her mum) has quite a hold over her (and yes she is capable of independent thought!) but her mum is pulling the strings here!..it seems this child will be used as a bargaining tool..and you probably dont realise how much it hurts me to say that :(

F2F was my idea...the advice I've received thus far is just to attempt contact..If no response, then my sols have suggested a letter suggesting mediation...even he said the same re:court case..

oh yeah..fully agreed on the scrutiny thing...

Maybe I'm being impatient..but I just want to see my child, and bond with her :)....I know I did wrong by leaving my partner, but I had very little choice (and trust me, I'm seriously not proud of what I did)

How about just ringing your ex and talking to her? Find out what she wants?

Both good ideas..and probably better than an F2F

Nothing has stopped me sending money....I am desperate to see my child (her, btw!) but if I go within 5 feet of my ex, I can guarantee her family will have some sort of involvement..

I did say in my card that I would like to see both of them, and asked her to get in touch to let me know..thats was about a week ago..

I realise that to some people this isn't adding up, but the situation is very complex ! :(

I'll try another card with money, see what happens there...