Do people assume you are a "better" mother because you have more children?

[mulranno]

Is there kudos or pity for big families...? Do people ask your advice more?...do they think you are a better Mum than them?...Do people "admire" that you "cope" well..? How do you respond?

mulranno, I don't get that at all, why dress up for a farm trip?! I like my lot to start out nice and clean and tidy, if they come home from a day out to the farm mucky then I would say they'd had a really good day

at frilly dresses for farm trip as well!

Sometimes I get compliments, & "I don't know how you cope!"
And since I do have bad moments I was slamming doors & kicking Lego out of the way this morning I feel like a bit of a fraud when I hear those things.
But later today I was out w/ someone who works with messed-up families -- she was telling me about their dysfunctionality, & it reminded me that I am mostly a pretty decent if not good parent, after all.

some people ask if im a childrens home worker(as in kids day out), or a childminder, most just think im bonkers .......as it seems to be my favorite hobby lol

Sometimes I get compliments and sometimes I get pity. My neighbour once said to me "I did feel sorry for you this morning when I could hear your little ones playing in the garden while I was enjoying a peaceful coffee on my own. We're past all of that now!"

I wanted to say "Really? And there was me feeling sorry for you that you don't have young children around anymore!" but I didn't.

There are those who say things like "You must never get any time to yourself" and "Your house must be chaos" and then there are the others who say "You're so lucky - I'd love four" and "You're obviously a natural"

I don't feel any different inside as a mother of four, than I did as a mother of one, two or three. It's just other peoples perceptions of me that have changed.

"I feel the same as you, under ridiculous pressure because I feel constantly judged in a way I never felt when I only had one or two and as soon as one might let go and act like any other child (tantrum etc) I feel like I'm judged harder for not being such a good parent because of the sheer volume of children"

Piximon - thank you so much for writing that! I have twins too who are 3.9 and a 5 month old and whenever my twins have a tantrum or a bit of a gentle scrap people just shake their heads sympathetically and raise their eyebrows - even if their child has been running riot/tantruming/glued to the naughty step all morning - and say "goodness it must be so hard having twins/3 children/twins and baby" like my children have been setting fire to the village hall rather than being a bit cross over who gets the red crayon.

It's like they can't be like normal children because there are a lot of them - any naughty behaviour is obviously because I don't have time to discipline them properly/they don't get enough attention - rather than them just being small children who get frustrated/play up sometimes. People seem to almost want you to confirm their feelings that it must be hard/difficult/crazy to have more children.

Sorry rant over!

I think it is hard/difficult at times and perhaps a bit crazy to have more children. They are not wrong with those sort of comments really, are they? I think it's how it's said and not what's said that can be hurtful sometimes. It depends whether people comment in an understanding way or whether they are implying that you are less than them. Sometimes difficult to tell but I've found (with practice) that it makes life more pleasant if you give the commenters the benefit of the doubt

the pity annoys me - when people say 'oh i do feel sorry for you' for x, y or z reason why do you feel sorry for me ...i'm happy! we decided to have our dc its wasn't by some sort of accident or mistake

i like my dc, i enjoy their company (most of the time ) they are good, well behaved (as much as kids are), they are clean and loved

........what is to be pitied about that??

i'm not an 'earth' mother or anything i'm just a normal mum

oooh and another thing that annoys me

Sparkles - wait until you get the comment "Aren't you pregnant again, yet?" or "So when's the next one due?" when your youngest is still only 3m old.

Of course, you might already have had these.

yes i've had those too juuule

i got that sparkle, and it really made me mad.
whens he getting the snip, WTF has it to do with you why has anyone got the right to suddenly ask me that because i have a big family
i wouldnt dream of asknig anyone that, grrrr

What I get is " Haven't you worked out how it's happening yet"? and I always get the "I amazed you're not pg again" comments like I'm some kind of bloody brood mare

or how about the old one, havent you got a telly...ha ha bloody ha

oh yes that one splits my sides every time its soooooooo orginal

my mum always says if you don't know what to say don't say anything, i wish some people would think like that too

i know i may sound a bit harsh but i don't comment on the amount of children other people have/their parenting abilities/whether they will have any more/when their dh will get the snip/etc/etc/etc, i suppose it just annoys me that people think they can just say whatever they please sometimes

i know its free speech and all that but still! and i know that most of the time people don't mean anything by it at all they just don't know what to say it just annoys me

I would say, "yeah, we do it whilst watching the tv, multitasking and all that"

We've had the "haven't you worked out how it's happening yet?" I tell them "Well we're pretty sure we've worked it out, and I wash our clothes separately now" with a completely straight face. They always look a bit while they try and work out if I'm serious or not.

I get the old 'Having any more?? or is that your lot?' and 'are they ALL yours'

Yes they are all mine, I had Ds1 at 18, DD1 at 21, Dd2 at 22 and Ds2 at 28, and they all have the same dad, though I have been asked if DH is the father of my older ones before

"Are they all yours?"
"Do they have the same dad?"
"Are you going for a 5-a-side team"
"Are you going for a football team"
"You can stop now - you've got enough for a 5-a-side/football team"
"You're not having another one"
"But where do you all sleep?"
"I'll bet tea is easy in your house - just the one pot of stew"

yessss juuule we have all of those

There is only one that REALLY makes me angry and that is the "are you mad?" comments.
Inside I'm thinking "What mad to have my lovely children? So, which ones do you think shouldn't have been born then? Should I have terminated all pgs: after number 3? number 2? Which ones do you consider surplus to requirements"

I actually say " It's great actually, much better than just 1 or 2" ( I don't care how many kids people chose to have btw)

I don't think they are asking are you mad to have lovely children, kitty. It's more are you mad to keep going in for the chaos, hard work, sleepless nights, arguing siblings, oppositional teens........etc.
Which you must admit can seem a bit crazy in more rational moments

Yeah, I know it's a just a silly, thoughtless thing to say, just like all the other comments made

i've never been asked if all mine have the same dad.....but i'm sure people who don't know us have thought it

i can't believe you have actually been asked that its so rude and irrelevant

MMB pmsl @ 'i wash our wash clothes seperatley now' think i might have to use that one