I am sooo angry with dh
liahgen · 13/12/2008 20:30
I am abslouely gutted as we were trying for #6, (or so i thought!!) dh announces he doesn't want anymore and when he told me, yep lets try again, he was mistaken....
I want to bounce his head off the wall. We have 5 dc already, (littlest 3 are his) and yes i'm grateful for them but i have this huge space that is still empty. We have plenty of love left for one more in our lives.
In anger, I've told him, he has to have the snip, (he doesn't want to cos it hurts!!, lol, oh well, bad luck)
Couple nights ago, he has the gall to say to me, if you're pregnant, (he hasn't been careful, even though he's felt this way for a while)as far as i'm concerned, we're not having it.
Well if he thinks that would be happening he doesn't know me at all. First husband tried that, hence he is now x.
Will i ever come to terms with it or will i resent him forever? I'm seriously worried it'll be the latter to be perfectly honest. I feel he's forced me into this and i have no control over it. Yes i've told him all this, makes no difference.
I'd like to think our marriage is strong enough to withstand this but at the moment i'm really not sure.
I used to read these threads with interest at the op contemplating splitting up, and it's not my wish at all, but i can see this eating me up over the years and wearing away our relationship, unless i can find a way to get over it.
thirtysomething · 13/12/2008 20:37
that's a difficult situation to be in, but you sound as if you are very sure what YOu want so that makes things clear from your perspective - has he explained why? Could he just be worried about money or time? How is he with the other kids ? Really hope you can get through this - would he consider counselling if it becomes a big issue for both of you to resolve?
sorkycake · 13/12/2008 20:41
I can't really offer anything except that I hope LTH reads this as she went through the same thing not too long ago with her Dh and it appeared to torment her too.
She seems to be happy with their decision so perhaps she can help a little more.
I'm sorry this is happening for you x
thenewme · 13/12/2008 20:43
I think you need to tell him if you are already pg you are having the baby and if he doesn't want anymore he has to have the snip.
not nice to mess with your head then
liahgen · 13/12/2008 20:45
thirty, i think we will have to get some outside help to get through it, cos at the moment, i can hardly bare to look at him, Christam is round the corner, and period due boxing day.
He says, he just doesn't want to go through all the nappies, sleepless nights, (i always bf so he never gets up!)etc etc. He sees me goung back to work in a couple of years.
Youngest is 19 mths, and tbh she is really hard work, she's clingy to me, and very demanding, winges alot I think he may have had a shock with her after 2 relatively easy toddlers.
As far as i can see, his reasons are selfish ones, and yes, obviously they are relevant to his desires but they could be sormounted surely, ?
God i don't know, he always told me he wanted a big family, and was happy to have as many as i liked.
He has a good job, and earns a decent wage. I bring some money into the house as a doula, although not loads to be fair. He was really worried about his job recently, they have announec redundancies at his place in the last few weeks but he knows he is safe now, and if he wassn't, he'd get a very handsome payoff as he says himself.
I do feel selfish but i truly can't help it, I'm trying to come to terms with it but i just can't.
liahgen · 13/12/2008 20:46
god seems i can't spell or punctuate either. [hgrin]
mumof2andabit · 13/12/2008 21:13
What a horrible thing for him to say to you! I'd be tempted to snip him myself after that.......hope you figure everything out.
liahgen · 13/12/2008 21:16
god, or add smilies.
Yeah, i was shocked he said that tbh, I'd said to my friend only that day, I'm sure he'd be fine if i got pg.. seems not.
KatieDD · 14/12/2008 17:04
I have so been where you are now and it took a full on trantrum and nearly two years of nagging to make him realise I was deadly serious and would leave him if we didn't have a try to have number 4.
However mine did go off and have the snip behind my back so a bit different.
A vasectomy does not hurt at all, he got more drugs after his than I got after giving birth I know that for a fact.
I don't know what the answer is because for me I am potentially having a child I know my husband doesn't really want and don't give a stuff really, but that's not necessarily a good thing.
stuffitllama · 14/12/2008 17:12
Sorry but I think you have to consider his feelings. Of course you do. Why should he have to cave to yours? If you are seriously considering leaving your five children without a father because he won't do exactly what you say even though it affects him profoundly then I disapprove very much.
You are being selfish -- not in wanting the child, but in wanting to be able to stamp your foot and make him do it under the threat of leaving him. If you really split up from your exh because he refused to have a third child, and you separated him and his children for that reason, then I am
Lulumama · 14/12/2008 17:18
you need to get to the root of his fears.
6 children is a massive, massive commitment, he might feel 5 is a number he can handle, but 6 potentially is too difficult
BUT, if he is prepared to have sex with you knowing you are not taking the Pill or have a coil, and he is prepared to take a chance, he has to be a man about it.
sounds like neither of you are willing to compromise, and you can;t as you can;t compromise, you have a child or not.. BUT you need to both talk and listen and not remain intransigent
you need to set out why No. 6 so vital for you and he can tell you why he is afraid
maybe he thinks it will lead to 7 or 8? or that there will be more complications and perhaps you or the baby will be compromised and he is fearful of that?
or that it is just a big scary thing to contemplate when times are tough generally
i know you have had issues with one of your eldest, and you ahve a clingy toddler, and he might just be freaking about what he sees as more potential upset
you both need to talk and more importnatly, LISTEN
no ultimatums or threats of leaving if you don;t get your own way. that is foolish and self defeatist
flubdub · 14/12/2008 17:18
stuffit - I think its more complicated than a case of "Do as I say or im leaving."
If they dont want the same things............?
If Liaghen will resent him forever...........?
stuffitllama · 14/12/2008 17:21
Then she should decide not to resent him forever. If he's a good father and husband, and she loves him and he loves her, but just doesn't want another child, it's hardly mental cruelty. We can't all get what we want. If we have a good part of it we are very fortunate. I am still very shocked that a woman would separate children from their father because he wouldn't have another.
christmasiana · 14/12/2008 17:26
i completely agree stuffitllama.
5 children is a lot and i thin you should be grateful for what you have. really i do.
stuffitllama · 14/12/2008 17:28
Qualification: if he's not using contraception it's pretty useless of him to say he won't take responsibility for it.
You need to have a conversation not a tantrum.
OrmIrian · 14/12/2008 17:30
Why does what you want matter more than what he wants? Perhaps he will never get over having another baby?
BTW a vasectomy does hurt. It's very painful.
stuffitllama · 14/12/2008 17:31
Christmas, I thought I would be a lone voice and lammed for being judgemental.
Drusilla · 14/12/2008 17:32
"As far as i can see, his reasons are selfish ones, and yes, obviously they are relevant to his desires but they could be sormounted surely, ?"
That statement would be just as valid if he was saying it about you, so you really do not to talk rationally about this. Also "I feel he's forced me into this and I have no control over it" - is that how he is feeling too?
liahgen · 15/12/2008 18:43
thanks for all your replies,
I have not had a tantrum, nor have i threatened to leave him. These are things i am thinking and feeling inside. I would never threaten to leave him out loud as i would never want to hurt his feelings so much, and i truly believe that once you have said something out loud, no matter how in anger etc, the other person will never forget it.
This was not the only reason i left my 1st husband, his threat of get rid or leave, was when i was expecting dc1, he came back and we had dc2 before i realised his womanising, drug and alcohol abuse would not end.
I have never said do as i say or i am leaving, and to be ferfectly honest, i know he wil get his way, but am trying to find ways of coming to terms with it, which is what i explained in th op. I do not want to esent him but at the moment, which is early days, i can't find a way of preventing it from eating me up inside.
Yes of course i'm thankful for what i've got but i posted this in large families so that i could get a balanced view from people who have perhaps been in the same boat even though they have already got more than 2 dc.
how many dc's have you got christmasiana?
ormian, i believe they give you an anathesic (sp) these days, and pain relief for afterwards.
yeah we have had issue lulu but she(teen) seems to have chaNGED BACK INTO THE LOVELY GIRL WE KNEW BEFORE.
Sorry, fidgety toddler on lap.
thanks for your replies. We'll just have to see i guess. At the moment, i can hardly bare to look at him, he on the other hand is acting like everything is hunky dory. sensitive soul.
liahgen · 15/12/2008 18:45
so you would have aN ABORTION YOU DIDN'T WANT AND MAY WELL HOLD AGAINST YOUR DH FOREVER ANYWAY WOULD YOU STUUFIT?,
Bollox bloody caps.
liahgen · 15/12/2008 18:51
also i think it's not quite as simple as saying, Ok i won't resent you. I don't want to resent him, i have already said that.
juuule · 15/12/2008 20:26
Do you think it's that he doesn't want any more children or that he doesn't want to okay another one.
If he isn't using contraception then it might be that he isn't that committed to not having another.
However, he might feel that it's a huge responsibility to say 'oh go on then' if he doesn't feel it's 100% a good idea.
I wouldn't encourage him to get the snip as you are really burning your boats with that and who knows maybe he will change his mind at some point. I wouldn't go on and on about it as he may be more likely to dig his heels in even if he's not that entrenched in the idea of no more at the moment.
Maybe give yourselves a few months to see how things settle before bringing it up again.
Lulumama · 15/12/2008 20:27
fair enough, i think reading between the lines it came across more that you were seeing this as an ultimatum.
i still think the key is to talk , talk and talk and listen to each other
christmasiana · 15/12/2008 20:32
am pg with my second child
sorkycake · 16/12/2008 08:33
The number of children is absolutely irrelevant, be it no.2 or no.9. If the expectation and agreement is there to extend the family and someone decides that actually that isn't the case anymore, then there will be resentment at the situation/person. Saying 'don't resent him' is naive.
did you have to persuade your Dh to have no.2 Christmasiana?
If not, then your comments are not helpful and quite frankly do not belong on a larger families board.
...and before anyone says anything, yes everyone is free to post anywhere they like on a forum, perhaps go over to 'only child' and post there that those mothers are selfish for having just one.
Liaghen he may well change his mind with a bit of time, though I know when on the ttc boards you didn't feel time was what you had a lot of.
I agree with LM, I think talking about it, maybe after the stress of the holidays, when everything gets back to a normal routine, would be a good time.
There must be some reason why he was all for it at first and has now changed his mind.
As adults, we have to take responsibility for the children we bring into the world, planned or not. He needs to be clear about the risks he is prepared to take and the consequences which result from those decisions. It simply isn't good enough to have unprotected sex and not expect to get pregnant (let's face it this is the feckin' fecund board), but not only that, but to say that should that happen then the outcome is abortion!
Have you asked him what his plan is to avoid pg?
liahgen · 16/12/2008 11:20
Christmasiana, Your comments were not at all helpful. The reason i asked how many children you have is as i have already explained, i posted on the larger families thread as i was looking for comments and responses from people who have perhaps been in the same boat, ie having more than the average number of children perhaps, but still having this empty space with love for another. You have absolutely no idea how i am feeling.
Thanks lulu and sorky, (isn't that baby here yet, ? , I remember the...Ahem, mission accomplished thread, seems a very long time ago. lol
We will keep talking, I am not going on about it, in fact we haven't mentioned it since Friday, I am trying to give myself time to calm down, and rationalise things first. We'll talk again after christmas, and no i won't be pushing him into the snip, that was a totally knee jerk reaction tbh.
I suppose i should ask about contraception, lol, although i'm pretty sure i'd be safe now, I'm due on Boxing day. Having said that, we're not exactly jumping into bed with each other since last week anyway.
Thanks for all your comments, Was just trying to get rid of some of my anger as much as anything so that when we can talk it through to a conclusion, I'm less likely to say things that can't be taken back.
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