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Larger families

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Original poster

Do you ever feel guilty about being fertile?

35 replies

reban · 22/04/2008 18:47

I know its a strange question but ive just got accidentally pregnant with my 4th and caught very quickly with the other 3. Of course im really happy but im gonna feel almost guilty telling some people as my SIL has recently has a miscarriage after trying for a year and my closest friend had a miscarriage and a medical termination in horrendous circumstances last year. I just dont know how to tell them?

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constancereader · 22/04/2008 18:56

This is really hard - I would tell them via someone else, or by phone tbh. That way there is not the pressure on them to be 'pleased' for such a long time. They will be pleased, it's just that it can be so hard to hear about other people's successful pg.

This is only what I would have preferred. I have been on both sides of the fence too now.

cazboldy · 22/04/2008 19:14

when I fell pg with ds1, I was only 14. My Mum's friend was in the middle of her 3rd lot of IVF at 44, and I felt terrible for her. I thought she would hate me for getting pg by accident, when she was trying so hard.

she was actually really nice, and as it happened the IVF worked that time

Do wonder if she would have been different if it hadn't though???

Madlentileater · 22/04/2008 19:17

I was in your position reban, and when i told my mum, her response was 'oh dear poor x' x=SIL, who had given up trying. Never mind 'oh how wonderful' (SIL was about 500 miles away) - still niggles me 12 yrs later!

Flamesparrow · 22/04/2008 19:19

I'm not a "larger family", but yes. I have fallen with both of mine straight away. I know so many people who struggle or have m/c or both, and I feel guilty that they have suffered so much.

Original poster

reban · 22/04/2008 20:10

I dont know if its connected as well but im really apprehensive about this pregnancy .. almost like i feel ive had it too easy with 3 healthy children and im really worried that something is going to go wrong this time .. its probably because i know a lot of people who have had terrible trouble getting pregnant, miscarriages, sick children .. it just makes me think has my luck run out?

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MistressMean · 22/04/2008 20:13

no because there's not much you can do about either your fertility or other peoples lack of it.
Personally I'm very relieved to not have any problems. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be sensitive to others who are struggling, but no I don't feel guilty.

kittywise · 22/04/2008 20:17

No never. I'm with mistressmean.

ButterflyBessie · 22/04/2008 20:22

I had fertility problems for years

I did not want other people's babies, I wanted mine and my dh's.

I do feel that I have to justify why I have four and them so close together

I don't feel guilty, just incredibly lucky , I have been on the other side

constancereader · 22/04/2008 20:25

Oh yes, I should have said that of course you shouldn't feel guilty. People are glad for you (I was for other people), it's just that it can be hard to hear about sometimes. Just initially, until you have time to get used to the idea.

Original poster

reban · 22/04/2008 20:46

I have been really lucky but i just remember how hard my friend found it last year when she heard of other friends who were pregnant .. she didnt resent them, as you said she wanted her own baby not theirs, but it just didnt seem fair .. im really not looking forward to telling them. I know its silly, especially as my friend isnt even trying anymore, maybe im just being too emotional hormonal at the mo

OP posts:

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 20:49

I don't gloat and so I don't feel guilty. I just make sure that every now and again I remember that I'm lucky. If that sounds a bit twatty and boho then I'm sorry .

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 20:50

Reban Im pg with my 4th and I feel exactly the same about my luck running out.

ButterflyMcQueen · 22/04/2008 20:53

i had to have fertility treatment for dc4 despite 'first time success' with my three previous pg's it did really open my eyes to other peoples suffering

so...yes a bit guilty but i have had m/cs too

MistressMean · 22/04/2008 20:54

I think your friend will probably be more upset that you're worried about telling her tbh.

izzybiz · 22/04/2008 20:55

I don't.

I feel bad for people that have problems, but my being luckily fertile doesn't make someone else unfertile.

Sadly that is life.

Original poster

reban · 22/04/2008 20:56

How pregnant are you posieparker? Im only 5 1/2 weeks but i was in epu last week as had stomach cramps .. bloods fine, hormone level increasing, but they couldnt see baby yet as was too soon but did see a lump in one of my ovaries. Ive got to have another scan on friday so im hoping they will be able to see feotus in womb then .. hoping lump is cyst not ectopic .. pains have stopped now and i didnt have any bleeding so im really hoping that weve got over that hurdle. I just know i am going to feel panicked about every stage of this pregnancy until i have baby in my arms

OP posts:

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 20:58

Regan, Lumps are really common, I had the same, apparently we all do at the beginning of pg. I am 11 weeks, I have a ds 6, another 5 and a dd 20 months, and you?

Original poster

reban · 22/04/2008 21:01

The nurse i saw last week did say if it is a cyst it should disapate during the prenancy so fingers crossed ..I have dd1 nearly 8 ds1 3 and ds2 2 .. have you told anybody that you are pregnant yet?

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PosieParker · 22/04/2008 21:04

Yes everybody, I look about 5 months!! this will be my third caesarean too and so I am uber worried.

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 21:12

Sorry 4th caesarean!!

Ripeberry · 22/04/2008 21:20

Was speaking to my neighbour today and she says she would like to have another child but this time be a "surrogate" for her sister in law as she can't have children.
What a lovely offer.

Original poster

reban · 22/04/2008 21:20

wow that must be really hard. Ive only had vaginal deliveries but my sister had 2 caesarean and it really took it out of her. Why do you have to have caesareans if you dont mind me asking?

OP posts:

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 21:30

Just fits in with work.

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 21:32

Not really!!! I had two emergencies, including one where my baby was ressassitated and I couldn't go through the whole labour thing again. I don't remember seeing my baby for the first time when I had the general.

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 21:34

Right I'm off for a foot massage whilst dp watches the rest of Chelsea Liverpool!! Great bargaining power, football!!

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