Those who decided NOT to go for a 3rd...any regret?

[SoMuchIndecision]

I've seen so many posters wobble about whether or not to try for a 3rd. The advice always seems to be 2/3rds hell no (really hard, increased risk of SEN etc), 1/3rd yes it's tough but worth it. My circumstances are- approaching 40, 2 DC, always wanted 2 DC but can't stop thinking about another baby ever since younger DC turned 2. I'm telling myself to ignore it, blaming my hormones etc, but I can't stop thinking about how lovely it might be. I'm thinking I just need to wait this out but but...what if I regret it?

[minipie]

If you’ve always wanted 2 DC then I suspect this is “end of fertility broodiness” talking (it’s a thing apparently!).

It’s also telling that you are thinking about “another baby” and only since your DC2 was no longer a baby - suggests you are having broody feelings about small babies rather than actually wanting a family of 5 iyswim.

I can’t quite answer your question as I never wanted a 3rd, but I always wanted 2, stuck at 2 and have never regretted it in the slightest.

[lochmaree]

we are in the same boat! eldest is almost 4 and youngest is 18mo. I think we are in a head says no heart says maybe / yes. so overall ours is probably a no at the moment anyway. sorry no useful answer but waiting to see what others say.

[Milkinthetray]

You are more likely to have twins as you get nearer to the menopause. My siblings who are twins were my parents third and unexpected fourth children. Which made my mind up on never having a third.

As it was, I've since split with my kids dad and couldn't face being a single parent to more than 2 kids.

[PuneorPlayonWords]

Ha, interestingly, I would have gone again if I could be guaranteed twins. I wanted 4, not 3, but am very happy with 2. I had some physical difficulties after dc2 that would have made a 3rd pregnancy not brilliant but do-able, but a 4th a challenge.

[SoMuchIndecision]

Thank you, voices of wisdom, I need to hear this! It probably is largely sadness that I'll never experience certain stages again. Definitely couldn't handle twins either!!

[MaraScottie]

I've got two, slightly older at 11 and 9. I did have a wobble when they were younger and I always wondered "what if", for years. Never had the energy to go for it though and I was always worried about the increased risks with age too.

Anyway, I'm delighted with two now. My career is taking off, they're reaching that really fun and independent stage and we can actually travel to interesting places and eat nice meals out together. I am stretched emotionally as it is so I think in hindsight I may not have been able to manage 3 personalities well and all the 1-1 support they need.

I see larger families have a lot of fun and I really do admire their energy to manage it all but all things considered, 2 was the right number for us.

[SausageCasseroles]

I wanted 3 (or 4!) But circumstances meant that it would be tricky after 2 for so many reasons,never mind the cost !

When no 2 started pre school, and so many times a year since I have been relieved we stopped at 2. Even though I was insanely broody for those first few years.

Even now at 15 and 12 I look at friends with 3 (booking 2 hotel rooms, space in car, trying to find activities that suit all 3...and space in our house...) and feel so relieved we stopped at 2. So very very relieved.

[Ascubudr]

I really wanted 4 growing up, DH was quite happy to stop at 2 , he said he might have comprised on 3 ( his case was helped by the fact we had 1 of each). It was a tough decision for me not to press for a third baby, however Dd ( DC2) really didn't want me to, DH's career was significantly impacted by the 2008 finacial crisis. Sometimes I feel sad for the baby I didn't have in 2010. Now aged 47 I am so glad I have only 2 sets of University expenses, driving lessons and exams to deal with !

[DustyLee123]

I remember the overwhelming sadness that I’d never experience pregnancy and a new baby again. It passes.
I was desperate a 3rd but DH said no, and he was right. Id hate to have a teen now, while I’m in peri.

[wearedonnnne]

I was unsure for so long.

My two are older now and I truly think my eldest would have a struggled hugely if they had even less of me. He needs time and attention.

My youngest would have been happy with another child.

If I was a sahm I may have coped with 3 and had enough time for everyone.

I would have wanted small age gaps between each but even if I was a sahm I wouldn't have been mentally ready for a 3rd baby while having a 4 and 2 year old.

[Pooheadbumbum]

I have 4 children. The oldest is only 9, so obviously we haven’t got to teenage years etc, but the other night the older 2 children (9 &7) were downstairs while the younger 2 were in bed, and I just felt so thankful that we have them all. In that moment it felt very strange the idea that the older 2 would be ‘it’.

That being said, it is very hard work! I’m not the chilled, relaxed parent of lots of children that others seem to think you become (or are!). I like order and tidiness and not a whole lot of noise.

I am a SAHM, which obviously makes a difference, but it does mean my life revolves around the children etc.

Weirdly though, I have found that the more children I have had, the more involved my husband has had to be, and so the more he understands how hard it is, and the more free time I get to do hobbies etc (this is compared to when I had only 2 young children, not, in comparison to having older children!).

I do often think how easy having only 2 children would be, but then I think back to my life then and realise it didn’t feel any easier really, so I can never be sure!

[qpalbfy]

No. I caveat that with saying we are still 30s and kids are pre/teens so I know we are still early on, but after spending their pre school and early school years back and forth I can say at this stage that I am certain this was the right decision. When we got out of the selfish fog of asking ourselves what we wanted for years, I have realised more and more how much it is not in the kids' benefit, and how valuable our time and resources are focussed on them and not a nonexistent yet child- focussing on them and not on us has made it much clearer. This only becomes more apparent as they get older because you realise their needs change but 1:1 time is all the more precious and needed. DH has since had the snip, so it's off the table when the "last minute nerves" (hormones!) potentially swing by in a few years!

[SausageCasseroles]

Yes it definitely would have been for "me" because I was broody and wanted a baby.

Now mine are teens it has definitely been so much better for them to stick at 2.

I think it's quite different if you are a sahm for their whole childhood. But that is rather rare.

Having said that 2 of my friends with 3 have struggled to go back to work due to juggling with kids and making it work that that is also probably something worth considering!

[oakleaffy]

Hell no!
That’s baby addiction talking

A baby is a baby for a year

Don’t upset the status quo if you have two happy healthy settled children already.

It’s the hormones talking.

Ignore them.

[shivbo2014]

I have a 4 and 9 year old, couldn't decide whether to have a 3rd. Then fell pregnant, had a miscarriage and needed a hysterectomy. I'm so glad we didn't have a third. Life is lovely with just the 2. I think 3 would have been too much for us.

[cameliasun]

I look at friends with 3 (booking 2 hotel rooms, space in car, trying to find activities that suit all 3...and space in our house...) and feel so relieved we stopped at 2. So very very relieved

Yes! We've got 2 and it makes life so much easier, and it's nice to be able to have one parent with one of the children. And car travel, restaurant tables, hotel rooms... all geared for families of 4

[oakleaffy]

@DustyLee123

I remember the overwhelming sadness that I’d never experience pregnancy and a new baby again. It passes.
I was desperate a 3rd but DH said no, and he was right. Id hate to have a teen now, while I’m in peri.

It’s most definitely hormones
I too had heard of the last hurrah of hormones trying to trick one into breeding so knew it was just them talking.

Didn’t feel sad.

Oddly felt far sadder at getting my adult female dog spayed ( she’s never had puppies nor have I ever bred any animals) hence getting her spayed.

[cameliasun]

In an overpopulated world more than two children per couple seems unreasonable and unnecessary

[Newnameag]

No real help other than I totally feel you. I haven’t long had my second but due to pregnancy complications I was told having a third might not be the best idea. They didn’t actually say I shouldn’t but said I’d need some tests before getting pregnant if I did want to go again. I almost wish it was a never, not a maybe don’t. I feel the risk is huge, especially already being a mum to two little kids and obviously wanting to be there for them (god forbid anything happened to me) but I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting another.


I don’t want one anytime soon but I just want the possibility of it, even if I don’t end up having another! I think it’s also possibly the loss of the feeling that I’m grieving.. when you’re younger (for me anyway) you wonder who you’ll marry, how many kids you’ll have, whether they’ll be boys/girls, names etc, it’s almost like the build up to Christmas Day or something exciting but just quietly in the background for your whole life! so to be married and only have two babies it is quite sudden once the second is born that that’s it over. You know everyone now, everyone that’s in your family is already here, there’s now no more future possibilities or wondering what will be. I’m ridiculously lucky and happy with what I have already though and don’t even know if I want another person in that mix but just hate that I maybe can’t have the choice! 🙈

[QuillBill]

As soon as my oldest left primary school I realised I had made the right decision for our family not to have a third. It felt like an exciting new phase of our lives.

My youngest was then in year four and we were doing more grown up things in our 'family time' and were able to spend more time together.

At that time, I appreciated that and wouldn't have wanted a younger child who I was taking to soft play parties on a Saturday afternoon and who needed to be in bed by 7.30 on a Friday night instead of going to the theatre.

[Desecratedcoconut]

How odd to be on the larger families board talking about how glad you are that you didn't have a larger family.

I'm not the thread police but it's a bit odd. I might go over to the doghouse board and see if anyone is glad they never bothered with a dog.

Then I'm off to the overseas board and ask if anyone thought about a holiday but just stayed at home instead.

[Earhell]

My brother is just having his third and I'm so insanely jealous. We always wanted three but have one child with a disability and a genetic change the 3rd would have the same disability. I wouldn't want to risk it because I don't have it in the tank to look after two disabled children out of three and also work full time

[RTHJ14]

i was severely ill in my pregnancies, and was advised not to have any more kids.. I’m lucky enough to have 1 of each but being totally honest I’ve always felt the 3rd one was missing… the eldest is a teen now and I still feel it.

I know I’m very lucky with what I have but it’s hard to turn the feeling off! It’s not so much regret as it wasn’t really a choice for me but it hasn’t left me, though I’ve come to accept it xx

[oakleaffy]

@Desecratedcoconut

How odd to be on the larger families board talking about how glad you are that you didn't have a larger family.

I'm not the thread police but it's a bit odd. I might go over to the doghouse board and see if anyone is glad they never bothered with a dog.

Then I'm off to the overseas board and ask if anyone thought about a holiday but just stayed at home instead.

Re Doghouse-
I DO have a dog but if someone was contemplating getting a dog and wasn’t sure about it- Many dog owners would point out the downside of having a dog.

If more people THOUGHT , either about having a third child, or getting a dog, it would be good.

Look at all the dumped dogs obtained at whim during Covid.

I think @SoMuchIndecision has been very astute to ask for other’s experience

I stuck at ONE child ( am sleeping on his sofa now😂) after staying at his house for Christmas Day - but I definitely asked about getting a second child, and decided on sticking with just one.

Just as well as DH buggered off after pestering for a second. 😰

[SkiingIsHeaven]

We considered 3 but woke up one day and thought "that's crazy". We gave all our baby stuff away so we couldn't change our minds.

No regrets.

With three kids one can be left out.

Middle child syndrome is definitely a thing.

Three car seats is a nightmare.

Family tickets are all geared two adults and two children.

At Alton Towers most rides are 2 seats so someone has to sit on their own. Multiple of other places are seat up that way.

Family rooms in hotels and not made for 5 people.

There are so many reasons why 3 kids make life much more difficult than 2 kids.

Many people manage but I couldn't have put up with all the peripheral problems. I'm a very practical kind of person though.