Those who decided NOT to go for a 3rd...any regret?

[SoMuchIndecision]

I've seen so many posters wobble about whether or not to try for a 3rd. The advice always seems to be 2/3rds hell no (really hard, increased risk of SEN etc), 1/3rd yes it's tough but worth it. My circumstances are- approaching 40, 2 DC, always wanted 2 DC but can't stop thinking about another baby ever since younger DC turned 2. I'm telling myself to ignore it, blaming my hormones etc, but I can't stop thinking about how lovely it might be. I'm thinking I just need to wait this out but but...what if I regret it?

I was incredibly sad about it when my second was a baby, particularly as we decided to destroy our remaining frozen embryo and I knew at that point it was a final decision for us.

Youngest is now 5 and it was absolutely the right decision, I can't imagine having a third child now and we are completely happy as a family of 4.

It was a hard decision for us as we lost a daughter at full term then went on to have two boys. I REALLY struggled but DH didn't want to risk it and I knew it was sensible to stop so we did. The regret slowly seeped away during the baby and primary years. Now the eldest is an adult and I'm totally at peace with our family size.

Some friends of ours jumped the other way. They were very obviously desperate for a girl and got one third time round but unfortunately one parent had a breakdown when the youngest was five and got extremely ill, as a result of dealing with three way sibling rivalry and neurodiversity that wasn't apparent until the tween years. They are a comfortably off family, big house, family support good physical health etc but have still required multi agency support to get through.

I'm sure you're just the same as us in knowing happy lovely families of all types and sizes so I don't mean to be all doom and gloom, but some people do stretch themselves too far, and the more children you have, the longer you need to try if at all possible to stay healthy, sane and employed. (if you're near 40, do think about when you might hope to retire or step down hours, and how old the youngest will be.)

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. Really useful to hear from people who've been there and come out the other side.

@Newnameag this really chimed with me -

"You know everyone now, everyone that’s in your family is already here, there’s now no more future possibilities or wondering what will be."

In my case this applies to wider family too - siblings won't have any more children either, I'm fairly certain. And I absolutely love everyone in our family, I just think (I suppose with a slightly more the merrier attitude) that it'd be lovely if there were a few more of us!

In terms of coping with 3, I do know a few families of 3 where both parents work, seem to manage things fairly well, don't seem much more stressed that your average working parents. But of course you never really know what's going on behind closed doors and/or how much help (family/bought in) they have. We'd probably have less family help than with the first 2 (GPs that bit older).

Logic on every front definitely points to sticking with 2, but those pesky hormones just won't go away 🙈

*With three kids one can be left out.

Middle child syndrome is definitely a thing.

Three car seats is a nightmare.

Family tickets are all geared two adults and two children.

At Alton Towers most rides are 2 seats so someone has to sit on their own. Multiple of other places are seat up that way.

Family rooms in hotels and not made for 5 people.

There are so many reasons why 3 kids make life much more difficult than 2 kids. *

100% agree that life as a family of 2 adults with 2 children makes everyday life SO much easier!

Also, having two healthy children is wonderful and you have to ask what parents feel is missing??

I went for a third - and while I love her to bits and wouldn't be without her, life is harder in many ways with 3 rather than 2. I do now work full time (they are 16, 13, 11) but it took a while to get back there. I'm permanently shattered.

I do regret it a little bit, but I was 41 when ds was born.

What I don't regret for a second is leaving having children so late, so not having a 3rd is a natural consequence.

We turned out to have very big family problems that made me immensely glad I stuck with two and didn't have a toddler as well. Bad luck, but it worked out for us. Know lots of happy threes and fours though.

I feel a little envious when I see families with three or four kids. I’m from a larger family but stopped at two due to one of them becoming seriously ill when still young (all fine now), and it took us a long time emotionally to get over it.

The question never really arose after that about having more kids.

Funnily enough, when I had my hysterectomy in my late forties, the thing I grieved most was that I would no longer have that option. I might add, I had no plans to have any more children then, and knew the menopause would hit soon, but there seemed to be a lot of older women on the news all giving birth. The stress over the whole operation manifest itself in my child bearing years being well and truely over.

I have never shared this in real life but we decided to go for a third.

I had my two dc young so was not yet 30 at the time. I conceived easily and was happy. Just after I found out I was pregnant my eldest child became seriously ill. The prognosis was bleak and we were scared of what the future would hold. I had to throw all my resources, financially and emotionally, as well as practically into her care and getting her better.
It was an awful time and against what I really wanted me and DH decided that I should terminate the pregnancy. My youngest dc was already being neglected and we didn't see how we would manage a new baby with the care my eldest would need and how we could continue to afford it all in terms of our time and energy never mind financially.
When I went for the appointment it turned out it was twins. I was and still am absolutely gutted. I didn't want the termination but had to put myself out of the equation and do what was best for my living dc.
Since then I have thrown myself into my dc and my work. My eldest is getting better and is in hospital less. She is sick less often and no longer in bed for days. Due to throwing myself into life I have not yet grieved the pregnancy. I feel a fraud to feel grief because I chose to end the pregnancy. I often regret it so much but I am also grateful that I had the choice and that I made the decision I did.

As I watch my dc grow I have thought about it and actually even if my eldest wasn't poorly, I feel like a baby or even twins would have been lovely but also a burden on my dc. They already miss out on my time when I'm working or running the house and after everything, I now realise I owe them the best I can possibly provide. We would have managed 3 or 4 but would be taking away resources that could and should be given to existing dc. Personally my dc don't need another sibling and we would only be doing it for us parents. It would be amazing to be able to see into the future to see how each choice impacted us and them both positively and negatively. Given the choice without ever knowing another dc I'm sure my current dc would choose our time and energy over another sibling.
My dc are amazing people and I'm blessed to have them and I want to give them everything I can without compromise especially as the last couple of years has been so hard on both. A new dc or two would take away from them.

My marriage is beginning to thrive again after surviving a rollercoaster couple of years and we now have time to invest in each other and our own hobbies as people. This is another reason I'd struggle to go back to the baby stage. Life seems peaceful now.

Il probably never get over the twins i felt forced to terminate but I will make peace with it by remembering the above.

Op invest in your current dc. You never know what is around the corner.

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult time twothings and for your lost pregnancy. Of course you are entitled to grieve.

FWIW I agree with you that most DC would prefer more parental time and energy, ability to do more activities trips etc, over never-known siblings, especially as they get older. And also that you never know what life holds and when one or both your DC (or indeed another family member) might have extra needs meaning that 3 becomes less manageable than before.

Hope your DD continues to recover.

I think when you’re in the baby/toddler/pre school bubble, having a third child sounds lovely. Another baby, another adorable little person making your heart melt etc etc.

But they grow up! I have two teenagers now and I think a third child would’ve broken me (and they’re good kids!).

I’m SO glad DH talked me out of my hormonal fantasy land where more kids would’ve been just dreamy .

Not a whisper of regret for me.
I have two children, my youngest is 3, they are both very hard work.
Pre-children I wanted two; I'm lucky to have two; and my experience of parenting them has confirmed that I am definitely done!
I'm 38 and I guess at some point I might get hormonal but I'll deal with that when it happens - not by having a third, though!
Meanwhile I'm lucky to have nephews and nieces, and my siblings are likely to have more babies for me to cuddle and then give back.

It’s Just hormones as you edge closer to menopause!
We had completed our family by the time I was 30, but around 40/41 I briefly felt like maybe another one would be a good idea…
DH is middle one of three and hates it so was never really a serious consideration, no regrets.

I really wanted a 3rd for a short time, but I’m very glad we didn’t. It would have very much limited what we could have done in terms of education and hobbies for 2.

I really regret not having a third. At the time two seemed ideal- now I wish I’d had another but I’m too old.

Mustn’t grumble as I know I’m lucky to
have my lovely two.

I have two, 3 and 7. I got the snip last year as we were both adamant we didn't want any more. Me, because there's no way I want to be outnumbered, or to do this again, twice is enough and as much as I enjoy large parts of my life, I also CANNOT WAIT to get more of my own needs met rather than devote what feels like 90% of my effort and free time to them. My wife also didn't want any more as she'd be nearly 40 and the increased risk of disabilities etc.

Zero regrets yet.

DH is middle one of three and hates it so was never really a serious consideration, no regrets.

I am also a middle child and hated it, especially growing up - the 'baby' always got spoiled.

I'm very sorry for your loss

Thank you @minipie. Had little cry at your reply. It means a lot as no one in real life knows what happened.

FWIW I think you absolutely the right thing, and it sounds as if it was an incredibly difficult choice, which means you are a brave and excellent mother - you made a sacrifice for the sake of your existing children and the wellbeing of your whole family. Also, just because you chose it doesn't mean you are not entitled to grieve for what could have been

We originally had a vague plan to have 3.

Once we had 2, we dithered for a bit. DH was probably more in favour of having a 3rd, but I'd realised by then that I was going to be doing pretty much all the work and I wasn't really up for it a 3rd time round. Then we had our little niece to stay for a bit and it was SO much harder with 3. After that visit DH stopped hinting about having a 3rd!

Absolutely no regrets, especially as both of our 2 were later diagnosed with ASD and it's a full time job parenting them as it is.

I'm about to have my third and I'm excited. It feels right for us.

Thank you @NameChange30 it really does mean a lot to hear that.

2 kids is enough here. I was so broody after DC 2 but it would have meant another maternity leave, a bigger car. Those 2 financial impacts would have hit us so hard. Those times pass quickly but not easily. Now they’re 6 & 9 we are rushed with after school activities, parties, sports teams etc. If we’d have had another child, we could never meet their needs the way we currently do and they would be missing out. For each additional child, you have less money, time and resources per individual and I am so glad now that we didn’t compromise them of that, nor our sanity.

I still get broody but no more here, no deep regret. Just relief.

No regrets. In an ideal world I would have liked a 3rd, but I just couldn't face more years of childcare costs and I wanted childbearing over by 35 as I have a joint issue that could have been affecting my mobility by my 40s (although fortunately so far it hasn't and I'm 46 now), but still, no regrets, especially as we're getting to an age now where we don't need babysitters anymore. I think I would feel bad if oldest had to be left in charge of more than one sibling when we go out so that would have put this sort of independence for us off by another couple of years.

Also, we got very lucky and had 2 kids who were really quite easy babies and toddlers, eg slept pretty well from 12 weeks+, no colic, no big tantrums or really difficult toddler behaviour - I was sure after our first the second would have to be a nightmare, but no. A third would have been pushing our luck!