Those who decided NOT to go for a 3rd...any regret?

[SoMuchIndecision]

I've seen so many posters wobble about whether or not to try for a 3rd. The advice always seems to be 2/3rds hell no (really hard, increased risk of SEN etc), 1/3rd yes it's tough but worth it. My circumstances are- approaching 40, 2 DC, always wanted 2 DC but can't stop thinking about another baby ever since younger DC turned 2. I'm telling myself to ignore it, blaming my hormones etc, but I can't stop thinking about how lovely it might be. I'm thinking I just need to wait this out but but...what if I regret it?

Yes, in the end the gamble was too great.

DD1 is autistic. DD2 is NT. Having another child who is autistic would've been too much for all of us.

I did get pg after DD2 but miscarried so I think that settled things. It was not to be.

I think it's hard to picture if you're still in the pre school stage, but that taste of freedom that comes when your youngest starts school really settles a lot of those feelings of confusion. Of course not for everyone, but I've only gotten more certain the older my kids have got.

I think there's definite hormones / something primal & encoded in us women when we start having kids... to want more!

Not everyone gets them but myself and a friend had huge pangs for more adorable little babies when we both had our second babies.

It's wearing off for me and definitely for my friend, my baby is becoming more demanding and I can see that what we have fills up our lives, as well as friends, hobbies and work in the future.

I've got 4 young (planned) children, I absolutely knew after the 4th that I was "done" but now I'm approaching menopause (early due to surgery) the broodiness is off the scale! Even though it's physically impossible I feel like my bodies like "make babies" bloody hormones!!

It was never a question for me. Whenever I imagined my 2 DC in the future, there was always another younger child there. My 3rd DC existed in the future I think as soon as I'd given birth to DC2.

I came from a larger family and it was rare we were invited to peoples houses (just too many of us to host!) I would probably have gone for a third but DH was a definite no, and it was for the best. Only two hands to hold when I was out. We have enough time (and money) to support both DCs interests and schoolwork. I was a middle child & my parents definitely didn't have as much time to spend with me & help me with schoolwork as they had older and younger kids to sort. We have friends with bigger age gaps with their youngest and it can make it harder to find age appropriate stuff. It's really nice going to cinema / theatre / holiday activities as both my DC are at the same lifestage.

When you get past a certain stage the thought of wiping bums and messy mealtimes needing babywipes and a dustpan and brush make you shudder. That's not to say teens are not demanding but time with them is lovely too! I am looking forward to baby cuddles again hopefully when I am a grandma in the future and given how fast life seems to move it will probably be here before I know it.

No regrets yet. Kids are 5 and 3 but I don’t want another… I do keep thinking about it but the answer is the same. My DH is more open to the idea but happy to stay at 2. We’re able to give more to 2 kids than to 3, including an amazing school.

Also I find being at home with small babies really hard, am currently studying and working and loving it … and we would want a smaller age gap so we feel it’s soon or never… so that’s decided. There’s a lot of practical issues like cars etc. Things are very expensive. My parents couldn’t handle caring for 3 and they currently do some regular childcare.

And I find it emotionally hard to tear myself in two, to divide my time etc for 2 kids and I don’t want to have even less of myself to give for my lovely 2 children. I’m very blessed they are both healthy and I don’t want to gamble - I think I would find a 3rd healthy child hard but if we had complications or disability it would absolutely devastate our family set up as we know it.

Those are my thoughts, and the reasons I am at peace as I know that it’s right for our family. Hope that’s helpful.

I have taught lot of children over the years who are part of 'larger' families - 4+ children.

Not one of them likes it. Not one. None of them have any keen hobbies (parents can't commit if the child is good at something), they hate holidays as it's carnage, feel that Mum did it just to show off on social media (apparently there's a lot of forced photo sessions just for show) , don't like having to share bedrooms, don't like hand me downs or worse, having to wear the same coordinated outfits as everyone else...I could go on.

That was enough for me to know settling at two was far kinder for everyone. Let's be honest, no one needs a large family anymore. Back in the day it was due to a lack of birth control and the fact that children died before they were 5 in the main, so you need to have a lot to ensure succession.

It's clearly due to mum loving being pregnant, loving the attention, loving having a newborn and all the lovely things that go with that etc etc. Basically, hormones and a need to be in the spotlight.

Get a dog.

Definitely your hormones.

Eldest went to school with the DC of a family that went for a 3rd and had ID triplets 😬

I have 4 DC and I loved it but my hormones would have carried on forever I reckon.

No regrets at all - friends who have 3 always seem so tired and stressed, more so than those with smaller families, they always seem in survival mode rather than enjoying life! Over the past few years two separate friends with 3 have both on different occasion confided that though they love their 3rd dearly, if they had their time over again they would 100% stuck with 2.

I wanted a 3rd my DH did not so we didn't. I spent a five years being broody and regretting it but as my 2DC got older and more independent, I started to admit my DH was right all along. It would have been too much. Now I am content with just 2.

No regrets here. Tried for 3rd but it didn't happen, DC are now 10 and 12. We're a strong unit, good relationship with them both, they like each other and similar things (1 girl 1 boy) The demands of parenting doesn't change it's just different and incredibly expensive as they get older. I'm relieved I don't have to love someone else as much, it's exhausting sometimes trying to get it right.

We hesitated for about 4 years about a 3rd. DH was a LOT more keen than I was (he still occasionally checks I haven't changed my mind!) Eventually I said no and a while later both DC were diagnosed with ADHD (aged 9 and 7).

I am so relieved we didn't have a 3rd. I really wouldn't have coped and they would have suffered (particularly DS2 who withdraws into himself when unhappy- it would have been so easy to leave him to his own devices whilst juggling a baby/toddler and our older demanding DS1).

I decided not to go for a third despite wanting another because,
l would be at least 40 which was always my cut off point.

l have dreadful pregnancies, pre natal depression and sickness meaning l would lose out on a year of my existing children’s lives.

The real risk of health issues for potential child and me ( l had severe pre eclampsia with no 1 )

Now my two are 16 and almost 18, they are fabulous lovely teens,
but one has a long term serious health condition, and will always require a degree of support.
l work full time.
My elderly parents both with Dementia who live in our annex and have carers, l am the only UK child to look after them.

Luckily l am fit and healthy in my mid 50’s ( thanks to HRT) and we have been financially stable so few money worries …
BUT it has tested me to the absolute limit managing all this… l could not imagine meeting another child’s needs well on top.

Lastly l feel if you have two healthy children, you are very lucky, and you cannot possibly imagine the challenges that you may face over the course of the next 18 years, illness, redundancy, elderly parents, let alone the reality of being older and much more tired !

@jollywhite That really is an extraordinarily offensive post!

Interesting anecdote.

Conversely everyone I know from a large family, including myself (oldest of 4), have said they wouldn't have it any other way. I think it's very circumstantial.

I had wanted 3 but stuck at 2 as DH didn’t want any more. It was a bit painful for a while and I was so sad about all the ‘lasts’- last birth, breastfeed, going off to school… I’m mid 40s now and DCs are teens so it’s all well in the past for me, but I still get the very occasional pang. Overall though in terms of cost, time, noise and just general hassle (and now impending costs of University/helping them get a start in adult life…), I’m glad we didn’t have more than 2!

Just because it's the hormones talking doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. Quite the opposite, in my view.

I'm really really fucking glad DH was against it and didn't let my hormones rule the day. Even assuming the DC was healthy and NT, never guaranteed, the increased damage to my body, our finances, the huge increase in future costs it would have stored up, the need to split myself ever more ways, the fact that someone would always be left out... The further I get out of the baby stage, the gladder I am we didn't go there.

I'm one of 6. I like having my siblings, as adults. But I would never never never do that to a child. I didn't realise what I had missed out on, as one of a big family, until I saw what DH (one sibling) and his parents have between them that I never did.

We always wanted four but had two wonderful bright and healthy DC. We realised we simply couldn’t afford any more. We were really short of money. We are both the middle one of three so having three was never even considered. There is more to life than having babies. DS went to school and I went to uni and had a good career.

Mum of 3 here and it’s wonderful, wouldn’t change a thing. All the bad things people have written above are not things I recognise!!
But I’m no help to you if what you want is people telling you to stick at 2

The board is awash with people who hit their own limit with two and imagine everything there-on-in to be miserable, restrictive and onerous for those who continue to have more. But I have found it great fun and wouldn't have it any other way.

Well i’m one of 4 and loved it. I used to feel sorry for my friends who only had one sibling, how boring it must be. And my mum definitely didn’t do it for social media. It didn’t exist 😂. I have 3 and I’m so glad we went for the third, 0 regrets.

Yes same, I don’t recognize it either! Everyone with 2 children saying how awful 3 must be 😅