Help, pregnant with very unplanned 3rd

[N400]

Hi everyone,

I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old (year 5 and year 1). We have always said we are done, no more etc.

However I have just had a positive pregnancy test. I am freaking out. I've booked an appointment for a consultation re.termination but just wanted to hear people's experiences.

I've heard going from 2-3 is the hardest. I am wondering if anyone has experience of this with 2 much older (like mine are) and how they found this? Both mine will be in high school when this one would start reception. Starting from scratch again sounds sooooo scary.

Please no hate about possible terminations etc. I've always been adamant no to a termination but this was a complete shock. 3 hours ago shock to be precise!

Thank you

They probably say it because it’s true for them. I’m sorry you’ve found it difficult to go from 2-3 but that certainly wasn’t the case for me. I would say it was my easiest transition actually and I’ve just had our 4th. I really didn’t find 3 much different to 2 at all.

I had an 'oh shit' 3rd baby. I wanted a termination, having never ever considered that as an option for me before. In the end I went ahead but my mental health suffered horribly during the pregnancy as I felt I'd ruined my perfect family of 4 and my life/freedom which I was just getting back, was gone again.

She arrived and absolutely stole my heart and fitted straight into the family like she was always meant to be there. She's been the making of us, and our lives have improved infinitely since her arrival. She's 18 months and I've never felt happier.

I didn't find 2-3 difficult like I thought I would. The older ones help and are happy to entertain her, fetch things, keep an eye on her, play with her and teach her. They have an amazing bond. I can see that perhaps in the future some things will be more expensive - 5 plane tickets, 5 theatre tickets, 2-3 hotel rooms when they are really big etc but nothing unmanageable financially.

I think if I'd had a termination I'd have been ok and been at peace with that as I was in such turmoil at the time, but I didn't and it's been a thousand times better than I thought.

Good luck whatever you decide x

Mine were 8 and 6 when number 3 arrived.

I can only say that she has been a total joy. The older two were enchanted with her.

I have three - four year gap between each but planned. I think you should do what’s right for you. Caitlin Moran has a very brave piece on having an abortion with her unplanned third pregnancy- you might find that helpful. Only you know your family and feelings.

I had an unplanned third - also a contraception fail - and like you considered termination. In fact I booked a termination but couldn't go through with it.

Children were 6 and 4 when third was born. So out of nappies but not so old I had completely forgotten about the baby stage.

I suppose as a baby it was easier. Now third is a primary school child it is a lot of juggling (no family close by) and a lot more expense.

I definitely don't have a career. I don't have enough head space. Whether I would have tried harder career wise with just 2, I can't say.

It's noisy! Can be chaotic. They definitely fight more than I had hoped! Do I regret? Sometimes I guess. But my third was a different sex so that was a nice change.

I suppose I thought I would regret more not having a third than not. Thankfully DH was supportive either way.

Good luck with your decision.

I had a surprise 3rd - freaked out spectacularly when I found out - had a 5 week nervous breakdown in fact, couldn't cope with the thought of 3 under 3 - but he turned out to be a total joy and slotted in very easily (because he had to) - he's now 22 and I love him soooooo much . I wish I had enjoyed the build up to his arrival.

The third was easy, he just tagged along .

Like others have said, going from 2-3 is not too different. Of course there are times that things would be easier without a baby in tow.. but quite honestly, some things would be easier without the 8 year old in tow haha!!
He has completed our family and is so loved. I was so worried when I was pregnant. I felt terribly judged... be prepared to be asked by strangers if your third was an accident!
But so far my other children are so in love with their baby brother. The other day he cut his first tooth and the kids were so happy, telling all their friends on the school run. We get to experience all their firsts as a family and it has been so special.

I am a mum of four, I found 1-2 the hardest actually. 2-3 was a breeze however I had 2 years between my first 3 then with number 4 there is a larger gap eldest was 9, youngest was 5 and actually having that gap has been the hardest thing. My elder 3 are all into the same kind of things, now they are too old to be wanting to do farms etc and want to do theme parks and more grown up days however it's hard with a little one in tow and I often find myself asking family to have her while I take the older ones out or she spends a lot of time waiting round for the elder ones and it's hard to find a day out that suits all. It will change the dynamic and I guess that is something you have to weigh up.

I actually found quite alot is catered for 2 adults 3 kids these days - 4 not so much. Can still fit in a normal car for example.

@Meandfour no need to be sorry. Love having 3. Just think people need to be aware of the implications of being out numbered. Each child has less parental attention and input. Fact.

Each child has less parental attention and input. Fact

Not sure about fact exactly. I see what your getting at but it isn't a binary thing.

If I only had 2 I'd probably work 4 days but with 3 I've had another maternity leave and stuck with 2.5 days. So overall I have more time with all of the children and weirdly with 3 I rely less on childcare than I did with 1 or 2.

Also they have an extra sibling in their lives! So yes the parents are split between the three kids instead of 2 but there is another person in there. I think we do more as a family as a group of 5 as well to be honest. It's been the making of us though.

Also I'm the 3rd child out of 5 growing up so 3 feels like small fry 😀

@Littlepiglet123
I don’t think it’s fact at all. It completely depends on the family circumstances finances.

Example; my BIL has 1 child who gets far less parental time and input than my 4.
Fact.
Why? Because both SIL & BIL work full time so their child has been in full time childcare from 7 months old 8am-6pm 5 days a week. She is collected by grandparents twice a week and stays at their house overnight. They don’t have much spare money so weekends are usually spent doing housework, general life tasks and not much 1-1 time with the child who watches tv or plays alone or, more often, goes round to a cousins to play for the day.
My children have been able to benefit from having a SAHP and a very financially secure family who can outsource. We have a cleaner and gardener so don’t have to spend our evenings and weekends doing these things and instead do things with the children.
We spend our weekends on family days out or weekends away, evenings are spent with the children straight from school and they are dropped off and collected by a parent every day. My preschooler currently gets every afternoon 11-3 just me and him without the elder 2 and plays with his baby brother when he is awake (baby still sleeps a
lot)
We can afford and have the time to do 1-1 things with the children weekly; meals out, cinema etc.

I can hand on heart say my 4 DC get much more parental attention and input than my only child niece.

Oh OP I'm sorry. I also had a failed contraption and failed MAP. I was adamant I wanted a termination and I did but I found out when I was 4 weeks and jt wasn't until I was 8 weeks that it finally happened and I looked privately and the wait time was still the same. I was very young but I think it was older I probably would have cancelled. Not saying you should but just be prepared for a longer wait.

FWIW i loved being 1 of 3 growing up and esp now I'm older! But ovb have to do what's right for you xx

Thank you XXX can I ask what MAP means please? How old were your siblings in comparison? X

Sorry, morning after pill.

Siblings we're 4 years difference so I was the eldest, then 4 years then another 4.., then 18 so I was eventually 1 of 4 but grew up one of 3

@Meandfour perhaps its a matter of opinion but I'm not sure comparing you and your brother's situation is very useful.

In my family which is sounding similar to yours, in the way we spend our time and money, I know that if I had 2 children (which I obviously did once have) then I would have more time for those two children then I do now having three children. No one's suffering because of it. Perhaps you are not yet at the stage where you notice.