Having a 3rd child and a career

[FolkSongSweet]

Does anyone have 3 (or more!) children with both parents working full time?

I’m a city lawyer and aiming for partnership in the next 3-5 years (I’m 7pqe and partnership takes longer in my practice area). My kids are 4 and 18 months (2.5 yr gap) and I’m 35. I want another child, ideally in a year or so to have another 2.5 year gap but I’m worried that I will totally screw myself over career wise, and even if I didn’t, it might not be possible to cope with 3 kids and such a full on job. DH also works full time in a stressful job but is self employed and at the moment tends to do 5 days a week but including a weekend day so that he can have the kids 1 day per week. We have a nanny the other 4 days. No family nearby.

Id love to “have it all” but wonder if it’s just not possible at this crunch point of career+fertility.

I don’t know any SAHMs who use a baby sitter for after school stuff.

I was going to say if partnership is important to you, a third is high risk - they might have additional needs, you might just find it Too Much.

But if you are the main breadwinner and your husband is willing to take a bit of a career hit, then it should be fine? Can he do that - reduce to 4 days etc? Take on more life admin also?

Talk it all through with him. The other thing that I think is important is do not let the kids decide that you are favourite parent, it’s something they do and it can really become a cycle as the less time they spend with the less favoured parent, the less they want them.. take turns and make it clear to them that’s the rule and there is zero negotiation. This will also need agreeing w your husband of course.

Not in my experience of having 4 - that's the whole point of being a SAHM, surely?! (Or was in my case). Some nights were a nightmare with having to be in 3 places at once, but clashes were rare, and because I was at home, I had a fairly good network of other parents and we'd all help each other out with lifts to Scouts/camps/sports fixtures etc.

I would have your dc3, you find ways to make it work between you and your dh. I have 3dc and just take time to plan their activities accordingly to make it work.

This 100%. 3 tips the scale, all sorts of scales.

Alternatively, wait until you have partnership before going for no.3.

Honestly, it sounds like you already have it all. A fantastic career and two healthy children.

Does your husband want another?

Gsfk

Thanks @GrandRapids - kind of you to say and a good reminder.

DH is happy either way. Would like 3 but ultimately it is my decision because of the impact on my body and potential impact on my career. We are both one of 3 so always assumed we’d also have 3, but I think the fact that we have a DS and a DD means that DH is more relaxed about it. DD is DC2 and he always wanted a daughter.

my siblings are both single and may not have kids so I also feel I’d like to give my own kids more of a family. I was v close to my cousins growing up. They do have cousins on DH’s side though. Hard to know what is best for them in the long run.

I'm pretty risk averse (only had one child for several reasons!)

But in your shoes I'd quit whilst I was very much ahead. Currently your future looks really bright and having another could easily tip the balance in the wrong direction.

I have a few friends with 3, both parents working and I know they all find it tough.

It's such a personal decision though. Good luck whatever you decide

I'd like a third too, but reluctantly I have to admit it would probably push me over the edge and lead to less quality time and attention for DC. I work FT in a busy, demanding professional role.

Mine are a bit older: 7 years old (Y3) and 4 year old (nursery). Just as a comparison of the difference in mental load between a nursery and primary aged child:

My 4 year old can be dropped off at nursery anytime from 8am and picked up anytime before 6pm. She gets three nutritious meals there and I rarely have to think about anything extra. She doesn't do any organised activities outside of nursery yet, though I will admit she has started to have to some birthday party invitations.

In contrast, the 7 year old can't be dropped off until 9am and has a mixed pattern of after school care (after school club, grandparents, myself). Sometimes this breaks down (eg grandparents on holiday) so we have to organise cover. Two days a week I have to pick him up early from after school club in order to get him home, feed, and take to activities (eg Beavers). In the evenings we do his reading before bed and he does the rest of his homework at the weekend. Saturdays he has swimming lessons and Sundays sometimes plays sports. Occasionally he has birthday parties or wants a play date. We regularly have to send things into school for him - costumes, yogurt pots, skipping ropes. Twice a week we make him a packed lunch. Three days a week he has PE so we have to remember to send him in PE kit. Every half term we have to organise paying for all his various activities, as well as organise any holiday clubs which also involves coordinating with other parents to make sure there will be a friend there to play with.

Have 1 and pregnant with 2nd and will be a non equity “partner” in July in a big 4 firm (although a lawyer too).

to be honest I’m worried about the impact of a second on my chances of converting into equity - but that won’t stop me.

I would love a 3rd after that (though I’m 37 already). But I honestly don’t know any female (equity) partners with 2 kids let alone 3 in my firm at least.

that said if you want 3, have 3. you could always move to be a partner in a smaller firm once your 3rd is a little older - I would do the same to get equity at some point in future if needed.

Or you could move into a senior role in industry for good money too - it’s difficult to plan years in advance and you can only do what feels right for you at this moment

@Ricepops thanks for that - really helpful to have someone break it down for me. Wondering if what we actually need is a live in au pair when DC2 is a bit older?

If you have space an au pair is a good option.

I am considering whether we need a full time nanny, both at director in big 4 / large firms. Currently we have a childminder but find the issue especially with 3 kids is how often someone has to stay home with a sick child who then can’t go to school / preschool / childminder.

For those who had 3 or are planning on it, how did your employers react to you having 3 maternity leaves? Epecially if they were close together and with the same employer?

@Itstooearlyforme I’d be really uncomfortable with that tbh, I don’t see how I could demonstrate I’m an asset to work if only returning for short times before they pay me to not work again. I had 2 maternity leaves with one employer, babies are 3y apart. 3rd mat leave is with another employer, I planned to work there at least a year before going on mat leave. I know they regarded me well and think they’d be fine with another mat leave but I also don’t see how I could demonstrate the ability and achievement to get in line for promotion in a short stint back. I may be a little biased by being unwell in pregnancies so work doesn’t get my best in the 9 months before, but that said I’ve done some great work on challenging projects and worked very hard while pregnant, it’s just not always been bringing my best to work.

@Itstooearlyforme I always feel a bit iffy about it too. I overcompensated last time by taking a really short leave and spaced them more than I would have but this time I have a proven record with them and have delivered on big projects whilst pregnant (and between pregnancies) so I don't feel so bad. Actually I delivered a big project heavily pregnant last time too, the deadline seems to help my drive even if I feel really unproductive for 9 months 😂

@Itstooearlyforme I always worry about that, I am on my 3rd mat leave. I know people will always talk. I try and do my very best in my work and have to remember to put family first.

I have three, 19, 16 and 14. Had my last one at 28. Both my husband and I have professional jobs. I work for the NHS in ICU. The only way we could work it was to hire a nanny and a cleaner. Luckily we could afford it, just. I can't see how else it would work ?.

Just bumping this thread because I’m 6/7 months on and still none the wiser! DC1 has made a great start at (state) primary and though there is definitely more admin etc, it’s all manageable atm. I drop off every day, DH does pick up 3 days and the nanny 2 days. DH doesn’t work on Fridays so the extra curriculars and play dates happen then and at the weekend.

Id still desperately like another. Wondering now whether to go for a third and then plan to drop to 4 days after that, and if partnership doesn’t happen/takes longer then so be it.

But I’m still really interested in hearing others’ thoughts and experiences.

If you still want a third and think it's feasible and your DH is on board and you can afford it then crack on - tonight?

Haha yes. Maybe we should! Just re-reading this thread though the majority of answers were negative, and tbh I know this is a heart (or hormones) over head scenario. I’m worried about doing the wrong thing for all of us.

On the other hand, since I started the thread the DCs’ relationship has blossomed as DC2’s language has improved and they are adorable together. I think they would genuinely be delighted about a sibling.

Children don't exist for you. You exist for them.

I have 3, had to take a career break after 2.

We have five.

Both work full time. DH has always wfh and I have recently got a secondment which means I too will be wfh from March. Prior to this I worked three compressed days field based.
I work in pharma and DH for the civil service.

No cleaner, nanny or au pair but our mums live within the locality and help out where they can.
The house has gone to the dogs but a cleaner wouldn't necessarily help. I need a housekeeper.

DC all doing very well at school and careers ticking along nicely and we are financially managing well.

Youngest DC was born when I was thirty three and is now six.

Mum of three here. It has been so, so hard. I’ve had to quit my career as something just had to give. I agree that the primary years are much harder than nursery.

I mean we both work full time (four longer days each, me Weds-Sat) and DH Sunday-Weds to make childcare work.

I went back to an old job and took a demotion after third baby to make it work (sales position, I make up the difference in pay in sales bonus) and have more flexibility which is working well for us but doesn't sound like it would work for you.

I'm 32, almost 33.