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Original poster

3 children by 3 different dads ???

50 replies

Thefamilythatmadelifeperfect · 01/07/2019 12:25

Is 3 children by 3 different dads bad??
I have this horrible feeling about being judged...
I have 2 boys by 2 different dads currently.
My oldest son i had when I was 21 and we was with each other for 4 years and it just didnt work we was young.
My 2nd son I had 3 years ago he is such a little terror but wouldnt change him. I met his dad and we was together for 10months when I found out I was pregnant even though I was on the pill we agreed to keep him and stayed together for 4 years but we argued constantly and if it wasnt going his way he would ignore me until I agreed with him or done what he wanted. So that ended.
I met my partner who I'm with now and omg I've never felt love like it he is my world and I couldnt ever see my self not being with him.. we had a chat about having a child of our own and originally I said 3 years time. He hasnt got any of his own and adores my boys but he would like his own.
I just worry what peoples view will be on this??, how I will look with 3 children with different dads??? Also we have been together a year ?? Should I just not care what people think and do what makes me happy?? Or should I worry???
Advice no nasty comments.

OP posts:

AllFourOfThem · 01/07/2019 16:14

I think some PP are being deliberately obtuse about high earning and part time carer going together. It’s subjective and if the OP feels that salary is high earning then perhaps it’s because of her family or social circle that she is comparing it to.

I wouldn’t judge someone who had three children with three different fathers but I would if those children were not prioritised and well cared for in all respects.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 01/07/2019 17:13

It doesn't sound the stablest, either, you work PT, you are privately renting, you're not married to your partner, you've only been together a year and you've already moved him in with your kids.

BerylCrow · 01/07/2019 17:44

My DP is part of a 4 x 4 sibling group, and actually he does 'judge' his mother in the sense that he obviously has an opinion on it, and feelings about it, and has been affected by it.

As adults the siblings rarely see each other. It all got too complicated and messy. He finds his mother to be self-absorbed. He is a hurt bloke.

So I think if you talk to or read about older children of 3x3s or 4x4s who were brought up in non-celebrity circumstances, you might get an idea of some of the risks to the children. Currently you only seem conscious of the risks to yourself.

Monday55 · 02/07/2019 10:38

Ofcourse people will judge, just refrain from telling people your business.

louise5754 · 02/07/2019 11:05

My cousin has3 kids with3 men. She is pregnant with her 4th. All under 7 too so not the same circumstances as yours. The eldest doesn't see her dad.

My brother in law also has 4 kids with 4 different women. He only sees 2 of them.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/07/2019 11:13

Well it’s not ideal is it? 3 children, 3 dad’s. I mean you can have a relationship without having a child by them.

Is this relationship actually stable? Saying well his good with mine and would like his own, isn’t reason enough to have another child.

Also people that say met my partner who I'm with now and omg I've never felt love like it he is my world are normally the relationships that fail it’s the whole “never felt love like it” your what a year in.....

Bluerussian · 03/07/2019 00:29

Interesting family you have, louise.

louise5754 · 03/07/2019 18:02

@Bluerussian how rude

Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 13:33

Please wait! I’m not sure on your ages. It having a baby after only a year with someone imo isn’t a great idea. I was with my now husband for almost 10 years before having our first, we were both ready before this in terms of being financially secure and truly in love, but wanted to enjoy being together.

Gin96 · 07/08/2019 11:36

I wouldn’t worry about general people judging you, they don’t live your life, what you do won’t effect them and what they do won’t effect you. The only people who are important are you and and your 2 children and maybe your partner if he shows after time he is worth caring about. If it doesn’t work out with your partner and you are left on your own with 3 children will you cope? That’s the question you need to ask yourself, as no relationship is a guarantee of staying together and living happily ever after i’m afraid

Tweetingmagpie · 27/08/2019 13:34

If you have your own money and house then I wouldn’t advise you to get married to someone you’ve been with w year when you have older children to think about, there’s plenty of time to get married in the future when you’ve been together for a few years.

I think you know if this person is right for you and your family or not, I’d go by your gut instinct. Some people may judge but I don’t think that should bother you, and tbh most people won’t know anyway.

Bonniegirl435 · 30/10/2019 23:18

My sister has 4 children, 3 different dads, she has been judged alot.
1st child, teen relationship lasted 4 years, he knocked her about.
numbers 2 and 3 with her husband, they was together 13 years, very happy, he died.
She is now after years alone met a wonderful man and very much in love and they have just had a baby together.

She has only been with those 3 men so far from a slag.

Iloveme30 · 11/12/2019 00:40

Oh my gosh I can’t believe we are going into the year 2020 and some people have such outdated views 😳 I spent 13 years with my first husband 10 of those before marriage and 2 children before marriage together. Turns out he was a cheat so I had no option but to terminate our marriage kids would (in my opinion) prefer to come from a broken home than to live in one . Raise your children to be good people with morals and standards and teach them to be strong and empowered that’s what’s important not whether they are from a blended family or not . Just my 2 cents not wishing to offend anyone here but I have a blended family and I married my second husband very quickly I thought I would be with my first husband forever (picture perfect stable upstanding guy ) he was a love rat .. no amount of time can predict another persons behavior
If you can be sure you can’t give those kids 200% on your own then go for it
In my book the only person you can rely on is yourself
No amount of time or a wedding will keep someone where they don’t want to be
( hugs ) x

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 11/12/2019 00:54

It doesn't sound the stablest, either, you work PT, you are privately renting, you're not married to your partner, you've only been together a year and you've already moved him in with your kids.

This ^

PixieDustt · 11/12/2019 01:10

What's all this nonsense about getting married before trying for a child. It's 2019 no one needs to be married before they have a child. I have a child. I'm not married. I don't plan on it. I don't need a piece of paper linking me to someone. My partner knows I love him I don't have to prove that by a ring on my finger. Some outdated views here.

Pixxie7 · 11/12/2019 01:18

Does it matter what other people think, if it’s right for you that’s what really matters.

ThighThighOfthigh · 11/12/2019 01:48

People change after a baby i was with someone for years before we married and had a child. He had been a wonderful stepfather to my older son but was an unbelievably shit dad to his son, the one we had together.

I would say fuck what people think but be damn sure you are fit to raise all your children by yourself.

missyoumuch · 11/12/2019 02:31

Having known someone who is the eldest of 3 DCs in this situation - think about how this will be for your children and not just for yourself and your DP. You have two healthy children, that is more than enough. Just because you are happy with your new DP doesn't mean you have to have a baby together.

It's not about being judged for your sex life but rather you need to ask if it's good for DCs to have all of these men in their lives, to be comparing their dads and being jealous that one sibling's dad is good to them while their own is rubbish. To have a huge number of step- and half-sibling relationships to manage.

Get solid contraception and take your time to seriously consider this.

Lowbrow · 11/12/2019 03:09

Please don’t refer to women as sluts, even if it’s only talking about yourself.

Bluerussian · 11/12/2019 03:34

louise5754 Wed 03-Jul-19 18:02:56
@Bluerussian how rude
.....
Oh no louise, I meant it! My family is dull by comparison. However I see this is an old thread, I thought I didn't recognise what I said earlier. Presumably the thread has been resurrected by someone.

blackcat86 · 11/12/2019 05:46

As others have said, slow right down and focus on your 2 children and career. Being a carer is a valuable job but not well paid and certainly not enough to support 2 children, particularly PT. That doesn't mean it wont work out with your new bf or that you shouldnt consider a 3rd one day but focus on yourself and your children first. I have one toddler DD and if me and DH ever split up I have no intention of dating. I would focus on supporting her and myself.

MerchantOfVenom · 11/12/2019 06:16

Yes, being honest, I would judge.

I'm human, I have thoughts, and yes I judge. I may not have any 'right' to, but given no-one but me can police my thoughts, it is what it is.

I wouldn't judge you for being a 'slut'. That's not the issue at all.

It's just the slightly chaotic, slap dash, dysfunctional air it all has to it. Rushing into relationships. Moving men in quickly. Being lax with contraception. Not prioritising exisiting children's stability and wellbeing. Having children with men you don't even really know.

In fact, on reflection, it's not even really that I judge. More than anything, I just feel pity, really.

SemperIdem · 11/12/2019 09:51

PixieDust

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is a binding legal contract.

Op - yes I would judge. 3 close in age children by 3 different men smacks of not prioritising the children above your own romantic wants. I know an adult whose mother had 4 children by 4 men. Her childhood was...less stable than ideal. She, and her siblings, absolutely do judge their mother for her choices.

Stephminx · 11/12/2019 12:17

What @MerchantOfVenom said.

I feel sorry for your existing children who are clearly not prioritised here. It’s not the so called “slag” judgement - sleep with who you like.

It’s the effect on your existing children of moving another man in so quickly before you even know him well, let alone your children knowing him and being comfortable, and then the potential birth of a new child so quickly. That’s so much upheaval for children. Poor things.

chuck7 · 15/12/2019 23:14

What will a third child give you that having 2 does not? Children aren't some token of a relationship. You seem to judge marriage but having a child is a far bigger commitment. Personally I would not in your shoes.

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