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Original poster

Can we afford to be together

100 replies

Spinningteapots · 30/08/2018 07:15

Me and dp are looking towards a future together. We are both single parents, 9 of us in total (dp 5 kids, me 2 kids). Currently we live apart in different city's and we would love to be together.

The problem is I don't think the maths would add up to make this possible. Mainly I think due to a big inballence in earnings and costs. The problems I see are:

Dp is unemployed and no real prospect of anything more than a min wage job. Dp is heavily reliant on state benifits to fund dp's 5 children. I earn just over 50k so intitiatlled to nothing but I only have to fund 2 kids. We are comfortable and I like what I can provide my kids. If I'm correct if we lived together because of my earnings do will lose most of the benifits including all child maintenance? Now funding 2 kids on 50k without any state support is fine but funding 7 would without state support would have a big impact on the quality of life for my to kids. Simply if we lived together as a collective we would lose £1000s in state support but still have 7 kids to support.

And then there is accomadation. Currently I own a 3 bed house and dp rents a 4 bed house. So if we were together do will lose the housing benefit yet we would have to afford a house big enough for all of us. Whether that's buying a bigger house or extending my house (I have land at the side of my end terrest) it's going to cost a lot more a month.

Transportation is also a problem. Dp don't drive and I just have a small 5 seat family car. Plus even if dp did drive the cost of funding another veichle is a problem.

Simply (in a cold facts and figures way) to live together with dp and her kids will cost way more than what do can bring in terms of income. Despite good earning I'm not sure if I have the financial power to absorb the extra costs of dp and her 5 kids. I hate to be pessimistic but I just can't see the maths adding up. Have I assessed this right, is it possible work?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinningteapots · 30/08/2018 07:17

*dp not do (stupid auto text)

OP posts:
Witchofwisteria · 30/08/2018 07:24

I wouldn't want his brood moving in frankly. Your money is your money and your kids. You are right in thinking he wouldn't get anything, plus would you sell your house and move into his rented house because it's larger - seems like madness, you own that house so you'll want to stay on the housing ladder I presume and it's not big enough for him and all his kids too?

Also how would your kids feel? Going from your family of 3 to a very large family which you are supporting on your own. If I was them I would be furious - it's enough of a change to move a man in let alone a man and his mass brood!

Plus the fact he's unemployed would put me off - he has all those kids but no motivation to provide for them himself? What's that all about? Unless some are babies i don't see why he doesn't work. Do you want to invite a layabout to live with you whilst you go out to work slaving away all day - the balance isn't right. Plus he doesn't drive so you will end up being a taxi service for him and all the kids.

QueenDoria · 30/08/2018 07:25

Don't do it. Just have weekends and holidays together.

TheLastNigel · 30/08/2018 07:26

What witchifwisteria said...
If it's meant to be then leave Living together until the kids are older and have left home.

snackarella · 30/08/2018 07:26

No job and no car and 5 kids? Don't do it. They'll bleed you dry and it isn't fair on your kids. You've got your life in order and it doesn't sound like he has at all

SandysMam · 30/08/2018 07:28

He sounds like a right catch OP Confused
I think you would be crazy to combine your families, have a relationship by all means but your kids will be totally outnumbered if you move 5 strangers in with them and really will not thank you for it.

Finfintytint · 30/08/2018 07:29

How does she feel about being reliant on you, op?

donajimena · 30/08/2018 07:32

I have a partner with children who lives in a different town. We do what Queendoria says. Holidays and weekends. He works FT I work PT and study. Money is one of the issues but first and foremost its the children that we have put first.
Why doesn't he work? Do any of his children need extra care? I have two SN children which is why I'm only PT working at the moment. I'd find the lack of employment worrying.

Biologifemini · 30/08/2018 07:33

What about your children? If I were them I would be extremely unhappy at my mother suddenly subbing another 5 children to the detrrment of my life and education.
5 kids and no job? He sees you as a way out of things perhaps.
Don’t do it.

HalfGreekBitch · 30/08/2018 07:33

I think you are right re the finance, sounds logical that you would lose the State funding. If you embark on this you both have to be 150% rowing in the same direction and fully accept that you will be funding your DP and her children. This could lead to resentments on both sides and destroy your relationship, which currently sounds like it’s in a good place.

On the flip side, very good friends of mine blended their family of 5 and went on to have another child together. Their relationship was strong enough to bear it and they both worked and worked hard at their blended family and raising their income.

You are being sensible to consider the cost implications and if you decide not to take the plunge now, it doesn’t stop you revisiting the idea in the future. Perhaps your DP may be able to improve her situation going forwards which would mean you can share the load more evenly, learning to drive would be a good start, that may be an avenue for her to look for work as well if not now then later on.

I wish you the best if luck.

Teensandfuture · 30/08/2018 07:33

The dp is female with 5 kids..
Not like it changes anything..
I personally wouldn't find anything in common with a person whos lifestyle is do different to mine and no, taking financial responsibility for 6 more people isn't feasible.
Your children are your priority , you need to preserve your family and your lifestyle.

Charley50 · 30/08/2018 07:34

I don't think it would work financially you living together. Presume DP is female although it's not relevant really. Maybe they don't 'work' as they're a full time mum.

Finfintytint · 30/08/2018 07:34

I'd imagine the cost of child care as a single mum to 5 would hinder working.

Charley50 · 30/08/2018 07:34

Or dad.

wafflyversatile · 30/08/2018 07:35

Interesting replies so far! HmmGrin

I don't have the answer sorry. Have the children met and do they get on?

mononoaware1907 · 30/08/2018 07:36

My real question here is why would you want to be with this kind of person? No car, no job, 5 kids, relies on benefits. Sure, you are a catch. You earn a more than decent wage, only have 2 kids.

Problem is, if I were your dc I wouldn't be happy at all that you're funding a man AND his 5! children. Hell no.

mononoaware1907 · 30/08/2018 07:38

Sorry, woman, I just realised. Still, doesn't make any difference.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 30/08/2018 07:38

DP is a woman, right? That's why she's unemployed because she's the sole carer of 5 children.

donajimena · 30/08/2018 07:40

I missed that the DP is female. But it doesn't change my view. As I explained in my post I'm the lower earner.
My friend is a lone parent with 4 children She works very part time because childcare IS a problem. But she also studies. There is always something you can do to improve.

Damia · 30/08/2018 07:41

As she rents could she possibly move closer to you? Stay on benefits and possibly look to get a job when her children are old enough? As others have said I wouldn't want that many kids moving in together plus suddenly having money problems. There would be huge resentment.

Petalflowers · 30/08/2018 07:41

Wisterias last paragraph sums it up. Is there a reason dp,doesn’t work? How old are the children? I appreciate it’s difficult to find a job that fits around five kids, but have they tried?

I think you will end up resenting being the bread winner.

Hairpulling · 30/08/2018 07:46

How do we all know that the OP doesn't have full their children full time? I'm going to go against the grain here and say the DP whether M/F, chose to have five kids so must have know the implications that would have on working and finances. I don't think the OP should have to work to support somebody else's children when their own would suffer. Don't do it OP.

Sunflowerr · 30/08/2018 07:50

Think about your kids, you can provide for them well and they have their own rooms. But you'll put them in a situation where they'll likely be room sharing, you'll be struggling financially, you'll turn their lives upside down.

Maybe your partner can seek to move closer to you to have a closer relationship but I wouldn't be moving in together until kids are grown up and left home.

ProseccoPoppy · 30/08/2018 07:51

That doesn’t sound like it would work, no. While I am sure she has other qualities, on paper at least your DP brings a lot of cost liability but no income or prospect of any real income, no assets or even basic skills like driving. Unless any of her children have additional needs/disabilities the state reliance is pretty unattractive too, tbh. £50k works well for a family of 3 or 4 but for 9 will leave you really struggling.

HSMMaCM · 30/08/2018 08:00

As a PP said, can she move closer? The impact on your own children would be HUGE. What about if they want to take up dancing, go on a school trip, need help with uni books and you have to say no, because of all the people you are supporting. £50k isn't enough to support 9 people and the new mortgage you would probably need to get.