Convince me that there is a bad idea

[Prusik]

Ds1 is 17 months, ds2 is 5 months. Now the longing has hit again. Ds1 was 4 months when i fell pregnant with ds2.

DH goes to uni part time in September as well as working full time. Money would be tight. If we wait until DH qualifies the boys will.be 6 and 7. Too late for a third in my opinion. Although I'm only early thirties now so it would likely be possible.

I'd rather get all kids done in one swoop. We'd have three under 3.

Please convince me this would be a bad idea!

That should say convince the that THREE is a bad idea. Sorry

What does DH think?

Would money be tight until he qualifies; in around five years?

He's exactly the same as me. Would like another but thinks it's a bad idea. We've found my maternity leave tight but have survived.

When I go back to work we'll be ok..not rolling in it but we survive ok. No childcare to consider as I work evenings

I suppose it's a choice of a tight few years v regretting not having a third. IMO money isn't everything. But only you and DH can decide.

I guess also with DH studying it'll be mostly down to me

The most important thing to consider here is how will this effect your existing children? Will you have funds to ensure they don’t miss out on opportunities, will you have the cash to make sure they learn to swim and can participate in activities (not just cost wise - at moment you and DH could take one each) go on holiday What would happen if eg they needed speech therapy? Would a third limit days out? Could you offer them the same attention? Would looking after a third impact on your relationship with DH? You might need a bigger car, bigger house - will this impact on what schools they can go to? What other support do you have - is this likely to continue with three? How would you manage if the third had disabilities or additional needs? Personally given your age and circumstances I would wait, close age gaps are not a guarantee they’ll get on.

I would wait, even just 6 months. My DC are 5, 1 and 8 months, with 12 months between the youngest 2. It was easy until about a month back, when DC2 has started getting jealous for the first time and has learnt to tantrum.
DC3 is also now harder work, and now reacts to things eg crying if DC2 takes a toy and is crawling around.

It was easy while he was a small baby, and now they've both hit a harder age at the same time. I have a feeling the point where he's 1 and shes 2 is going to be the hardest age.
I'd give it a bit of time before you decide anything as you've not really got a full view of what 2 toddlers will be like yet before adding a third.

This is impossible to advise. Everyone has such a difference experience. When Ds3 was born ds1was 3.11 and ds 2 21 months. I LOVED the years up until ds1was about 10. Now at late teens I’ve found the last 10 years really, really hard work. And they’re really good kids. Throw a troubled child into the mix and it would have been horrendous.

If finances are an issue I wouldn’t have a third. If it mean sacrificing stuff such as holidays, clubs etc for the first two.

And I wouldn’t go for it unless you definitely have the space, or will in a few years time. They take up a lot of room.

If anyone had told me anything negative though I wouldn’t have listened, my desire to have a third was so strong.

Also a 6-7 year age gap isn't it necessarily bad, my DD1 is nearly 6 and DC2 & 3 definitely prefer her to eachother!

She plays with them, makes them laugh and fusses over them so its a positive relationship rather than her being too young and more competition for attention.

Money is tight enough that at the moment we can't afford swimming lessons, etc, anyway. although can when I'm working also there won't be any need for after-school or holiday childcare as I have plans for that which are just coming into fruition

In 5 years time his earning potential is very high so it'll be a very different story. We can afford the odd day out but have to be careful. We have plenty of room for three and our mortgage is reasonable. Car? We could afford one big car but not a new one.

I think it's more a time issue for dh. I know it's not practical but I'm gutted that I think it'll be a no.

I sympathise and I have three. I would definitely recommend a bigger age gap. Two is one thing but three is harder IME. The second thing is car seats. Three car seats in one car is tough.

My main discovery, and I may be opening myself up to a bun fight here, is that three kids is much easier with three adults in the family. We have a GM around the corner who helps most weekdays. That makes a huge difference. A colleague once said that two felt right, two adults two kids. I only remembered when I realised that we are really six. I think children need so much adult responsive care and this becomes very challenging when they are small.

Rates of depression are high in women with 3 under five - probably with good reason.

My dcs with a 4 year age gap play better together than the two with less than 2 years between them. I think you should let your hormones settle down and give your body some recuperation time. Two years to recover and restore calcium and vitamin etc. Then see history feel and how it's working with your DH course. It sounds like otherwise you could all be under co miserable strain. Sorry to be negative. Babies are wonderful but it's so much better when you aren't stretched every which way.

Predictive text! See how you feel not 'history'!

Considerable not miserable...

Swimming lessons once they're at an age where its actually useful eg 4-5 onwards are a lot cheaper than all those baby swim lessons. DD has lessons once a week and its only £22 a month.

I think the main thing to consider is time and help, like what hours will you and DP be working, how much time will there be where one of you is alone with 3.
Having one in school means I've only got 3-4 hours a day alone with all 3 while DP is working, the holidays are exhausting though and doing that all the time with DD being younger would be too much I think personally!

My younger 2 are quite easy alone but adding in an extra set of needs from a third makes it quite hard to split time and get everything done (its ridiculous how quickly they can destroy a tidy room!)

@BounceAndClimb you've actually given me a lot of food for thought. DH will be working 40 hours a week across five days. Every third week he has a Thursday off and works a Saturday. Then his course will be alternate weekends - sat and sun, long days, uni is about an hour away. He then has to do 100 practical hours in the first year, rising to 300 per year by the final year. He'll also have academic study on top of that.

Midweek I'll have the boys in the day and then DH will have them in the evenings. I'll basically be leaving for work as soon as he gets home. Nearest family are 45 minutes away and can't be left unattended with the boys for various reasons. I do have a good support network of friends though.

So pretty much all kids will only have one parent at all times apart from two Sundays and one Saturday per month.

A third isn't possible right now, is it? I know this is the conclusion but I'm gutted

It probably isn't ideal right now, but I'd have a think about if it would work having another once your eldest starts school.

It wouldn't be a huge gap (4-5 years roughly) which I've found a lovely age gap, and it would then not be far off when your DP will be finishing studying.

Once the baby got to about 1 and was being more active they could have all your attention during the 6 school hours each day too which would be a big bonus.
Also when your older 2 are school aged it should be easier having 1 adult : 3 children as they're a bit better at entertaining themselves and don't need as much doing for them by that age.

Our plan is also to move towards my family once DH qualifies so it'll be nice to have a young one then. We'll hopefully be moving to a bigger place then.

It's pretty much the same conclusion that DH and I have come to but I long for a newborn. Ds2 is a lovely baby but a newborn he isn't.

Saying that, in 18 months the eldest will get his free hours. That's not actually very far away!

I have 4 and at one stage had 3 4 and under. Mine are now 8 6 4 and 1. Like you I am with kids all day and work evening and it's do able, fine and enjoyable. I do miss time with my dh but not having to think about childcare is a lovely feeling. If I were you I'd get all the baby years done and over with now and enjoy them growing up together. Are you really going to want ro start all this again in 7 year time once your dh is starting a new career and you all have a bit more money anf time on your hands? Probably not you will be working more and supporting him and your kids at school. You won't want to be doing an infant and secondary drop off I'm sure.

School holidays here are fine we go places early so I can see them all and we still have swimming and dance lessons etc we just may be more careful. It's fine. Go for it.

We had a long chat last night. We've decided that we shall review in 18 months with a view to start trying then! My car will have to go as it's only a Ka!!

I studied PT on top of working FT before having DC and quit the study because I found it too difficult.

I don’t think that after a day of paid work many fathers could parent effectively in sole charge of DC in the weekday evenings and have time and energy to study. 3 DC under 3 would take that to another level of hard work/stress.

Unless you have a lot of family support WoH could become really difficult too.

Longing for a newborn is not a strong reason to have a DC.

@Loopytiles we've always said we wanted three, this is just about timing really. Our boys will bity be undet two when DH starts his studies and I go back to work but this has to be done. We have little choice as we don't want to have to watch our pennies forever. Fwiw I've also been studying and have only three more exams to do to complete my studies. I've been doing this with two under 18m
DH has regular work hours but it's an easy job with little overtime. I'm not saying it won't be a challenge with the two boys but we'll manage. We have to

Wow my spellings today!! *Both be under two

We have 3 (DC4 due next year) - each child has almost exactly 2 years. I am glad we had them over a slightly longer time span as it meant I have had a few months' of each sleeping through before the next arrives, and we have enough time for with each of them.

I think 3 so firmly under 3 is undoubtedly doable but it's another level - is it making your lives unneccessarily stressful as it sounds like you've got a lot on already? Will life actually be fun? It's not something I would choose personally, given time is on your side if you're only early 30s now. I wouldn't necessarily say wait until eldest is at school but certainly give it another 6-12 months. Imagine 3 consecutive years of GCSE / A level (or whatever they're called now) stress!

We're definitely going to wait at least a year before we try. We'll assess then because getting my husband through his studies needs to be the priority as that's our ticket away from managing the pennies. I already have decent earning potential so he's the one who needs to get this done