Please help. Should we have 3rd baby?

[Fatheroffun]

Hi. I am new to this but feel its the only place I can go to get an answer without being judged.

I am currently a father of 2 kids. DS aged 3 and DD aged 1. We have always said we wanted 3 children and started to try a few months ago.

Since then my wife and I talked it over and decided we were comfortable with the 2 and wouldnt pursue the 3rd. This is largely because we had kids early (one of each) and decided to devote all our time to them. However, last week we were shocked to find out she is 5weeks pregnant.

My wife is an absolutley dedicated mother and has done so much for our 2 kids - a lot single handedly due to my working patterns and hours. She has sacrificed her career and social life. She doesnt want a third and would prefer to terminate. To add she had a strict and basic upbringing and just as we are out of the baby phase and can spend more time together, go on holidays and enjoy our family, this has happened. HOWEVER she has said that she will have the 3rd if I absolutley want it. But i dont want her to resent me for it when things get tough.

I have always wanted 3, but dont want to burden her with all of the chores and work that go with raising the 3rd when she is not fully open to it. I am also quite religious and anti abortion which makes this so much harder for me. I dont know how i will cope going forward knowing I supported a decision to terminate.

I have tried talking to her, but she just says that 2 is all we need.

Financially we will be fine with three. But its the stories we have heard about the constant crying, sleep depravation, splitting of attention/ resource and struggle to educate three kids that has probably put my wife off.

We dont have any other kids in the wider family/ friends circle. Our kids would be happy with another playmate - but im unsure if they would like the split of attention they currently enjoy. We really want them to be bright and able to do whatever it is they aspire to - but again are confised about the time and effort it takes to educate and support children in leraning/ activities as they grow older.

The families we know of 3 always have at least one kid (usially the youngest) who has just drifted through and not done anything with their lives. Why is this the case? Whereas those of two we know seem to have done better and been more focussed.

Can anyone please help give me reasons to/ not to have the 3rd? And advice on how to cope with the termination as a father. I am so confused right now and have limited time before a decision needs to be finalised.

PLEASE HELP.

Or does it decrease as they become more understanding and aware they have to share and comprimise?

As one of three, I can confidently state that this never happened for us. Why do you think your children would be more 'fulfilled' with an extra sibling, rather than more attention from their parents?

Is your wife a SAHP? I ask because you sound quite hands off in how you describe your respective roles. If so, having a third would basically increase her workload by 50%, delay her return to the workforce (if that's what she wants) and she is clearly finding it tough going already.

If she did decide to keep it, in part because she knew that was your preference, I think you would need to dramatically step up your contribution at home or, failing that, buy in help. You talk about being willing to do the graft but then talk only about the work and sacrifices from her to date. What has stopped a more even split up until now?

I have three though two have Sen but I wish we'd stuck to two. In my opinion it's an easier number and a better dynamic.

Some of your posts reads as if you don't have any children already. How will you educate 3 children? The same as your existing two. You have heard stories about the constant crying and sleep depreciation? Erm you have two children remember so you'll cope the same as you did then.

If you really want a third and are prepared to step up with the household stuff to enable that than great, offer that to your wife as part of the discussion. Ultimately it's her decision though.

Or does it decrease as they become more understanding and aware they have to share and comprimise?

As one of three, I can confidently state that this never happened for us

You never learned to share and compromise? Thats both surprising and sad.

You never learned to share and compromise? Thats both surprising and sad.

Nice twisting! Gold star for effort. Of course we did, but not as the natural result of being three children. We probably became less willing to compromise and share after #3 arrived as we were all jockeying for position and attention. Less to go around can equal more fierce competition.

Having a third won't stop children behaving like children, and make them better at sharing or compromising because they 'have to', as the OP is suggesting.

We both work and have childcare. In school hols I use that childcare and annual leave to get one to one time with older ones (or dh and I alternate weekend 'trips' based on their interests). I have a day off with youngest every week.

They all have clubs, we focus on them being different clubs and what makes them shine as individuals. They do NOT do same clubs.

THE WASHING. OH DEAR LORD THE WASHING.

BATH TIME = HELL TIME (but I probably thought that with two).

My two oldest adore their baby brother (in the main the bickering is the older two so I would have had it anyway!). I have, in the whole, loved having three and do believe I have enriched the eldest's life.

One word of... 'perspective' (?). This baby may not be your only chance for three kids.