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Original poster

My Mum says i'm crazy to want a baby when my eldest child is 15 this year

90 replies

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 08:34

I have four children whose ages are 7, 8, 11 and 14. I would love another baby but my mum says it would be silly of me. She says it would be ridiculous for me to have a baby when my eldest will be 15 this year. My Son is a really good lad, never gets in any trouble, just stays in his bedroom most of the time playing his Xbox. Mum says all that could change though, he might turn into an unruly teenager and so might my daughters. She says i would never cope with a baby/toddler and a houseful of naughty teenagers. Mum only had me so i'm an only child and i never was too keen on it. I always knew i wanted between 4-6 children. I know i would cope, although i realise it would be hard. I'm just so broody!! Thing is i'm almost 39 and me and husband have been trying for a baby for a year or so now, nothing happening. So not sure if my mum is saying all this to try and make me feel better as i'm struggling to conceive or if she really does mean all this stuff. Other people cope with large age gaps. It would be different this time also as i have a good husband who would help out unlike my children's father.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

zaphod · 01/03/2014 08:44

It's her job to warn you about the possible pitfalls because she wants to protect you. Now that she has done that, thank her and go ahead and do whatever you want. It's your life after all.

tribpot · 01/03/2014 08:46

Well it certainly wouldn't be for me, but the only people who get a say in this are you and your DH. Would this be your DH's first biological child? After a year of trying it might be worth talking to the GP.

I have a friend who is the eldest of 6; she was 16 when her mum had her last pregnancy - which resulted in twins. (So be prepared for that possibility!) I think it was pretty brutal at first but they all got through it.

Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 09:11

Yes, this would be my husband's first biological child. Been told recently that i'm perimenopausal which would explain why i'm not getting pregnant but i'm not giving up hope just yet! I think a lot of why i'm struggling is down to stress and anxiety. Reckon i could conceive, i do still have periods. Have been offered fertility treatment which the doctor said could result in twins. My mother would go bloody mad! She thinks my children might go live with their father if i had another baby and i couldn't stand that.

OP posts:

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 01/03/2014 09:12

Well it's not her life is it? She's obviously a person who favours a smaller family. Others feel drawn to a bigger one. There's no right or wrong so don't let her criticise you :)

tribpot · 01/03/2014 09:28

Why would your mum go mad if you had twins? Frankly, what's it to her anyway? Why would she think your dc would move to their dad's? Why would you think they would move to their dad's? Your mum seems to be something of an expert on larger and blended families, which isn't bad going when she has neither :)

In terms of your problems conceiving, the logical first avenue of investigation is your DH, to be honest. It sounds as if he's already been tested, if you're being offered fertility treatment?

It sounds like you're letting your mum mess with your head, which isn't good for your stress. I'd tell her politely but firmly that you've heard her opinions but you've made your decision and you expect her to be supportive.

Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 09:30

No mum has never been very maternal. My dad is one of five children, he loved being part of a large family. I guess i take after him! His mum had her fifth child quite a lot of years after the fourth. Oh i hope i get pregnant soon.

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MoominsYonisAreScary · 01/03/2014 09:33

Theres 18 years between my eldest and youngest. Hes really good with the young ones. He wont be having his own any time soon though

Gunznroses · 01/03/2014 09:36

Does you mum provide any childcare for you at present? Just wondered as this might part of the reason why she thinks you won't be able to cope and possibly "will be bloody mad" if you have twins if the bulk of the work will fall on her?

Spellcheck · 01/03/2014 09:37

I will have that age gap between my eldest and DC5 when he comes along and I am the same age as you. Don't listen to her! You will work it out. Not all teenagers are vile, and if you involve them all they will all feel like part of a lovely big happy family.
Hope it works out for you.

Spherical · 01/03/2014 09:38

I think it is entirely up to you and your husband to decide whether or not you should have more children (biology permitting - with or without the assistance of science!). Of course, that decision may take into account how your existing children would feel about and deal with the arrival of a new baby but final decision is yours and your husbands.

I think most teens would be a bit 'eew, yuck!' about the impending arrival of a new baby largely because of the whole parents having sex situation but on arrival of said baby, I suspect most of them would come round to accepting and living them pretty quickly.

Your mum may have reservations but appears to have expressed then in a very unreasonable way.

Good luck if you do decide to go ahead with having another baby!

Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 09:40

Mum went crazy when i was pregnant with my first child! She said i was far too young (i was 24) to be able to cope. Crazy i know, when their are 18 year old girls who cope perfectly well being mothers. She told me she has never been maternal and advised me to have only one just like she did. Although it's been hard at times i think i cope really well with 4 kids and i love it! I love a noisy home! I hate it when they go to their dad's house. I don't think for one minute any of my children would want to go live with their dad. They don't like their stepmum for as start and they say they are always happiest at home with me and my husband. My husband has no problems with his sperm, the problem lies with me. Iv'e been offered fertility drugs although i have been told i only have a slim chance of them working. I think mum will be pleased at that.

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Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 09:46

I think one poster may have hit the nail on the head when she asked if my mum provides childcare for my kids. Her and my dad are very good with them and have them over for tea mostly once a week and buy toys and clothes for them on a regular basis. Don't think dad would mind me having another child but mum says it would be selfish as a lot of the workload would fall on her and dad. And theres no way she would look after a new baby she said!

OP posts:

Xiou · 01/03/2014 09:49

My dd1 is 15 and dd2 is 4 months old.

It's lovely to see my eldest with the baby.

Your mum lived her life the way she wanted to and you should do the same.

Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 09:52

Don't think my 14 year old would mind, he wouldn't see the baby much anyway as he's always in his bedroom! I just know my 11 year old would be great with a baby brother or sister as she loves babies and small children.

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tribpot · 01/03/2014 09:52

Having them over for a tea once a week is not 'a lot of the workload'. However, your mum is entirely within her rights to see them less frequently if she wants, or to say she would prefer to see them at yours, or whatever. My MIL is not a baby person and so didn't do a great deal with ds until he was older - that's fine with me. I don't think you've suggested your mum would be left to look after a new baby, have you?

duchesse · 01/03/2014 09:53

I had number 4 when the older ones were 12, 14 and 16. It has been utterly lovely. The baby (who is now 4.5 yo) has had 5 parents throughout and tons of attention. There was always someone to hold or play with her or bath when I was too busy. I've never had to pay for babysitting. (In your case that might not kick in till a bit later as it would be unfair to land it all on the shoulders of your 14 yo...)

Gumps · 01/03/2014 09:54

I think it's totally your decisions to whether you have another child. However the thing that made me sad about your post was the part where you said your eldest just sits in his room playing x box. Is this because he chooses to or you don't have the time to engage with him because of his siblings? I have 3 kids and would love a fourth in many ways but feel it would be at the detriment of my others. Particularly my eldest as, like yours, he is well behaved so there is the temptation to just leave him to get on with it.

Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 10:12

Gumps, we try to involve my son in many things. I'm often asking him to come up to town with me and the girls or to take the dog for a walk with me. In the evenings we try and coax him out of his room to watch telly with the rest of the family, all to no avail. He only has eyes for his xbox and talking to his friends at school via his headset.

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Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 10:13

Tribpot. No i wouldn't expect my mum to look after a new baby, iv'e never suggested it to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 10:21

I guess really if i'm honest it would be hard trying to look after and entertain 4 children and a new baby. I do worry that the others might feel a little pushed out as i would have to focus much of my time on a baby. Sometimes it's hard now to give them all that little bit of one on one time. I guess what this is really about is that i would like so much to have a child for my husband as he has none. My children go stay with their dad at weekends si i'm always at a loose end then and feel fed up. At those times i just think how lovely it would be if me and my husbabnd had a child together that we could spend weekends with as a little family when the other children are away.

OP posts:

Shellywelly1973 · 01/03/2014 10:47

Hi op. I have 6 dc, oldest is almost 25 & the youngest 3 weeks.

I'm 40. My mother sounds very much like yours!

I think you need to do what YOU want, not what your mum wants. I had to create quite a big distance from my mum as she has something to say about everything!

You never know what will happen in the future. Yes your dc might change but it isn't always a negative change.

A year ago I had a totally different life then I do now!

Best of luck.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 01/03/2014 10:48

I think you're crazy to have any more because you have 4 already! Age gaps not a major issue to me but I think even superb parents (which I'm sure you are) can't really give everyone the attention they need once there are more than 4 or so unless they have lots and lots of help and money.
.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 01/03/2014 10:52

Mind you, I can understand why you would like to have a child who is biologically your husband's. But I do think it would almost certainly put immense strain on the family as a whole. Babies always do shake things up.

Original poster

lovelymumof4 · 01/03/2014 10:55

Yes that's true. As much as my husband would like a child of his own he says we really can't afford it and we haven't the room, a 3 bedroom rented house. My teenage son sleeps in a dining room downstairs which we converted into a bedroom. God knows where we would put a 5th child! I think that's what my mum worries most about, the lack of money and space.

OP posts:

MadIsTheNewNormal · 01/03/2014 10:56

I agree with your mum. Plus, 4 is enough.

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