Accidental Fourth baby- shocked, upset- will I get over it?

[lollystix]

3 x ds (4.9, 2.9 and 13m). Didn't plan on 4th but would have wanted one perhaps in time. Dh dead set against another. Found out pregnant by accident with fourth. Feel like crying. Dh not happy but still speaking to me. Has affected plans massively as had hoped to emigrate but dh now thinks impossible and too much on our own. Also just started back at work after 12 months mat leave with ds3. I'm already the office joke for having 3 so quick. Termination not an option for me personally. Please someone say nice things. I'm so worried about how we'll afford childcare as I can't give up work and about dh happiness and also what people will think - dh gave me lecture this am on how people will perceive us as irresponsible teenagers. Will I get over shock? No idea how pregs I am - find out thurs but think probs 10 weeks by size of me. Just upset today really.

I had my fourth last year. It was a big surprise - we thought our family was complete and my husband took it really badly. Said it was the worst thing that could have happenend. We were talking about terminating the pregnancy - something that felt utterly wrong for me (not for everyone, just for me) - when I told him that we would definitely be having the baby.

But, as soon as I told him that there was no way I was terminating he became 100% supportive. And DC4, who has just turned one, is the apple of everyone's eye. All the children adore her and get so much pleaseure from her. My husband is soppy about her.

He has since had a vasectomy.

Give him space and time. He will likely come round. Best of luck.

Hi again lollystix - really sorry he is so upset. As others have said, I think it's just a case of time and he will come round. You do need support though - you are as shocked as he is and you are going through all the physical side as well.

My DH was exactly the same as fllybynight's and became totally supportive once the decision was made that we were going ahead. (Unfortunately not so keen to have the vasectomy!) I am sure he will get there in time.

Hi ladies - the decision has been made really as in the car back from scan place I said I can't and he agreed after seeing the size of the baby he couldn't ask me to do it. He had to go out with his team after work and came home about 8. He's being ok - smalltalk about pizzas and nonsense but not mentioned anything about the elephant in the room. I feel sad cos I've felt the baby move tonight (I've always felt them early) and I didn't tell him and I wondered how long we have to go on pretending I'm not pregnant. I'm hormonal and tired and thinking nonsense like will he even come to the birth. I think you're all right though that he just probably needs some time but at the moment i feel like he is treating me like it's all my fault. Unfortuntely he's leaving at 8 tomorrow am for football and won't be back till after boys bedtime tomorrow so on my own and 'not allowed' to tell anyone what's going on - do appreciate u listening.

thats lovely that the baby moved, hope he comes round now he knows how you feel.

How are things today lolly?

He's been out since 8 at football and literally stepped in the door. He helped me get the boys thru breaky and gave me a hug before he left and told me he loves mr. He's had a few drinks now he'll probs be happy now. He's been with his dad today so maybe now he's talked it thru he may be a bit better going forward. I'll let you know....got asked today by girl at a kids party I was at if I was pregnant - I'd been wearing a baggy top too. I didn't realise I was showing.

Hi lollysitx, I've come to this thread late but wanted you to know I have been in exactly your situation. I found out I was pregnant with number 4 just after we'd had our visa accepted to move to Australia. We had even ticked a box somewhere on the application saying we weren't planning any more children! I really wanted a third, but not a fourth, and had treasured every baby moment with ds3 because I believed I wasn't going to have any more. I had given away most of our baby stuff after ds3 had gone through each growth or development stage.

I felt so stupid getting pregnant with number 4, but after the initial shock both dp and I realised we couldn't go through with an abortion. I think it took a couple of weeks before we both agreed, though.

And in a way it has made it easier moving to a new country. Ok, I don't feel settled here yet, and I wish I had close friends and family around me, but sorting out my maternity care has given me something to do with my time!! And the boys have been so good about it. Ds3 keeps stroking my tummy and saying 'when the baby is born I will cuddle it and sing to it'.

I hope your dh comes round, I expect he will. I think the scans make it easier for men to appreciate that you are really growing another person inside you. It's lovely that you have felt the baby move. :) I can understand why he was bothered that you told your friends, though. He'd probably prefer you left the announcements until he had more time to come to terms with it himself.

And re. the comments, well of course I've had a load of the 'hoping for a girl?' ones (even from my own mum...) but people haven't really said anything about us being irresponsible. It's more the 'oh you are brave' comments. I tend to say, 'not brave, just foolish!'

I still have to work on dp regarding the vasectomy...

Thanks highfibre. Were still all in the air. My work now knows and it's been ok. I've been working hard and feelin rundown - had to go to out of hours gp today as got such aching and tingling in hands and feet. Weird as normally so healthy in preg. Asked Dh to drive me there and he agreed but them said ma being sick had messed up his plans of going to the gym! Also met wife of his ex colleague yesterday and mentioned pregnancy. Told dh today on way to dr. And he got really angry saying he didn't want his work to know and that it would now get out - he seems to be embarrassed. I'm kind of over that. He dropped me at home and I've just been in bed feeling I'll and crying. Feel so unsupported by him. He said this week he may not come to 20 week scan - depends on what he has on at his work. Yet on the other hand he has mentioned names. I just don't get it really - i really think he's struggling to come to terms with it and it's been 2 weeks almost since we found out. I'm getting huge and very clearly preg now so don't know how long I can not go on mentioning it to people.

Oh dear. I think it's time for a frank discussion.

Yes - it was a 'bonus' baby, but it is a baby, it's coming and nothing's going to change that. But that means that you both need to deal with that.

Does he realise that not getting involved is making you feel like it's your fault? At some point he needs to get a grip and deal with it.

It's not fair to expect you to shoulder this on your own - you both made this baby, whether you were intending to or not.

I hope things improve for you soon lollystix. I think you really need to be blunt and tell him how you feel though.

Went to work today but couldn't feel hands or feet really. Managed till 2 and everyone said I was looming odd and should go home. Went via dr on my street and nice lady one just fitted me in. She said my physical issues are to with stress and anxiety and that my heart rate is really high (it was when I saw dr yesterday) and said I'm overbreathing. I ended up crying on her - never had this before- I'm normally so steady and calm so this has thrown me as I thought I was coping with the stress but I'm obviously not if it's affecting me physically. Called dh and he says he's leaving work and coming home to talk - mentioned he'd been selfish about things so we'll see if he can be a bit more supportive. It's all so surreal as I'm usually so together.

ohhh lollystix - i am sending you a big cyber hug!!!!
its so horrid with being pregnant is hard enough not having the support makes it so much worse! i do pray your dh sits up and takes notice of what your going through!!!!! and all the stress is so not good for the baby!
i agree with buttonmoon78 -it took 2 to make this baby!
and when baby comes he will look back and remember how awful he treated you through out the vital and important stage. how are the other children coping with the news?
i have not told the kids anything just buying my time until i announce it cos once its out all will know!

Update - dh was so sweet. Said he'd been a twat and apologised lots and started acknowledging baby and asking to see the scan pics. Went back to gp like she asked on Wednesday and she was concerned. Neurology called me in that pm and admitted me with guillain barre syndrome - horrible auto immune condition that immobilises you. I'm typing in my hospital bed now but should get pass out for weekend as after lumber puncture yesterday they said I have mild case (I am so lucky cos serious is dreadful). So they say I may not work for weeks and poor dh now stuck with all the work round the kids and house plus work (ok I used to do that but he's not used to it). He has been so sweet, I feel so fortunate I'm going to get better eventually (could be 2-3 months) and it has put baby into perspective for both of us but I just feel like a really good cry today .... Been a rollercoaster 3 weeks - unexpected pregnancy, near on martial breakdown and hospitalisation with weird disease all around 3 small children and 2 high pressure jobs. And I can't even drink a bottle of wine to get over the stress of it all!!

So cry, woman! It's so very cathartic, it makes you feel better, it really does.

I'm so pleased that your dh has stepped up to the plate, but I'm so sorry your feeling rubbish. I must admit, my spd is pretty crippling, but at least I'm at home being 'useless' rather than in hospital.

Keep going - it will get better. And in the meantime, here's some stuff to keep you going: lots of , lots of , plenty of virtual and lorry loads of [chocolate emoticon].

Hope you pick up soon. Remember, take all the advice the drs give you. I know it's hard when you have a family but if you don't take care of yourself it'll be worse and more prolonged in the long run.