Hi everyone,
I am looking for a bit of reassurance and a virtual hug.
Husband and I (38, 37) have been off contraception for 7 years. I’ve never been pregnant that I know of. There was a ?chemical pregnancy once but I don’t know if I have line eyes. Recently there was a sac on an unrelated ultrasound and thick lining which turned out to not be pregnancy, so I guess there is perhaps a slight chance that I have conceived a few times but not realised it.
We haven’t been trying actively for 7 years, we were leaving it up to fate really for the first few years as we were renting, tough jobs etc. We did get tested several years ago as we thought it was odd we hadn’t even had a scare and they identified low ovarian reserve with no known cause. AMH 3.3 with 5 follicles identified when I was aged 35.
I had decided IVF wasn’t for me and life went on. We were buying a house and moving and changing jobs so it went to the back of our minds for a little bit but we still were leaving it up to fate some months. I’ve been testing ovulation and I do ovulate regularly. We have been TTC now roughly a year, but again not every month (husband works away at times so we can’t always and sometimes life has got in the way).
We just got retested and thankfully my results haven’t changed much, AMH 3.1 and 4 follicles which is a little reassuring. But I am just feeling like it is never going to happen.
We are going to do IVF now but I am dreading it. I’m already feeling overwhelmed just trying to negotiate appointments with work and I strongly fear the side effects. I have ADHD so life is a bit of a struggle at the best of times, but PMS hits me hard. The doctor was also quite negative re chances, or perhaps I just see it that way. She was probably just realistic.
I have always had super light periods and a quick google search suggests that my lining is perhaps too thin for an egg to implant. My eggs are few and far between and suspected to be low quality, so doctor is already preempting several cycles for success. And top it all off I have a shortened cervix from a history of two abnormal smears which I was told back then would heighten my risk for miscarriage. My understanding is that they will typically see how it holds up because the management of this is risky in itself and then if you have had several miscarries they will consider stitching it during the pregnancy to help it hold the weight.
I can’t help but feel that the odds are massively against me and that I am going to put myself through hell for a negative outcome or for success in terms of conception but a high risk I could miscarry and it just feels a little like I’m setting myself up for failure and heartache. Im not someone who was put on this earth to be a mother (husband feels the same), so it’s not exactly a situation of me being unable to cope with not having children as we know we would be okay if it was just the two of us, but I can’t help but feel like starting this process will also kick start a hope and an excitement that will lead to enormous disappointment that isn’t there already, if you get me. My other worry is that I start early menopause because of IVF thus reducing the changes of natural conception even further.
Has anyone experienced such odds stacked against them and had success? Can anyone offer advice or a virtual shoulder to lean on? It would be very much appreciated.