Page 12 | To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?

ivfregret · 2023-05-15T18:42:23+00:00

Posting for traffic the other forums do not get much response. This is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy so I'm hoping it doesn't become that. I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy. I'm just concerned about bonding with the child/having regrets so I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience experience? Thanks in advance

Newnamenewname109870 · 16/05/2023 16:36

FannyCann · 16/05/2023 16:01

But the drug addict/alcoholic uses her own body. She doesn't hire another woman to do the business of gestating and birthing the baby whilst she carries on taking drugs.

Unlike women who don't want to risk their own body, eg actresses and models using social surrogacy, and who carry in with their careers while another woman does the grunt work and takes the consequences.
Or the woman who wants a baby and can't carry her own.

It's a double whammy of selfishness to expose another woman to risk.

Yes, she is using her own body to be pregnant for someone else. Her body, her choice.

toomuchlaundry · 16/05/2023 16:45

But no thought about the child @Newnamenewname109870

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 16:51

lifeturnsonadime · 15/05/2023 23:37

It is impossible to separate surrogacy from the ethics of it.

My second pregnancy nearly killed me despite no previous risk factors. Paying someone to take that risk is immoral of itself. Not to mention the concerns about what happens if the surrogate changes her mind or if the baby is unhealthy during pregnancy etc. All very risky and quite different to when it comes to your own body.

You are already worried about bonding, which is both a positive (you are thinking about it) and negative (you are thinking about it).

All of the naysayers to the bond between birth mother and child cannot know. You are putting your own perspectives on it just as much as those who feel there is an impact. My own anecdotal experience is that of my best friend in the world who was adopted at birth. She had wonderful adoptive parents but her desire to understand and know her background and to try to find her birth mother after the death of her loving adoptive parents is overwhelming. She feels and always has felt 'something missing'.

If you were trapped in a burning building would you think it was immoral to pay a fire person to try to rescue you and risk their life? Do you think it is immoral to ask soldiers to risk their lives to protect you? The police officer who risks their life to tackle the terrorist? There are people who risk their lives for the rest of us every day so I just wonder where the morality issue starts and ends.

Everyone is entitled to their view on if it is right or wrong but if the "risking their lives" is an issue I think it is a much wider issue.

Tandora · 16/05/2023 16:54

FannyCann · 16/05/2023 08:55

"It comes down to MY RIGHT to do as I wish with my body. I can CHOOSE without recourse to any other person, to carry a baby, donate my bone marrow, terminate a pregnancy, have my face lifted.
No one gets to tell me MY decisions regarding MY body should be subjugated to theirs."

But it's not just about your body is it?

The baby is an individual with its own human rights. A right not to be bartered for and bought/sold/gifted. A right to protection - bearing in mind there is minimal scrutiny of commissioning parents and their suitability unlike the many investigations made of potential adoptive parents.

And there is the wider issue of women's rights generally. Just because it was OK for you doesn't make it OK for other women. Every woman who claims it was a wonderful experience helps to normalise the process and ramp up demand and entitlement from people who cheerfully exploit impoverished women in poor countries.

Why do you think surrogacy is banned in most of Europe?

The baby is an individual with its own human rights.

Not before it’s blooming conceived it isn’t . Totally illogical.
yes, you cannot “buy” the or “sell” babies, but it’s perfectly possible to hand over babies and children from care of one person, to another person - happens all the time. There is no charter of rights protecting a baby against this.

Just because it was OK for you doesn't make it OK for other women

pp never said it was ok for all women. She’s just defending her right to do what she wishes with her body, against people like you , who want to police what her and other women can/ can’t do with their bodies.

toomuchlaundry · 16/05/2023 17:00

@Iwasafool that makes being a surrogate a job, so you are renting a womb.

@Tandora and if the care of a child is handed over via adoption there are all sorts of safeguards etc in place respect of the child. The child comes first. In the old days the adoptive parents came first, no regard for birth mother or child. That has now changed.

With regards to surrogacy we seem to be going back to those days, where the person receiving the child comes first, with no regard to how this may impact a child going forward

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 17:02

toomuchlaundry · 16/05/2023 17:00

@Iwasafool that makes being a surrogate a job, so you are renting a womb.

@Tandora and if the care of a child is handed over via adoption there are all sorts of safeguards etc in place respect of the child. The child comes first. In the old days the adoptive parents came first, no regard for birth mother or child. That has now changed.

With regards to surrogacy we seem to be going back to those days, where the person receiving the child comes first, with no regard to how this may impact a child going forward

But is it morally right to pay people to risk their lives for you? Or is it only in this one scenario?

Achwheesht · 16/05/2023 17:36

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Achwheesht · 16/05/2023 17:38

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lifeturnsonadime · 16/05/2023 18:01

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 16:51

If you were trapped in a burning building would you think it was immoral to pay a fire person to try to rescue you and risk their life? Do you think it is immoral to ask soldiers to risk their lives to protect you? The police officer who risks their life to tackle the terrorist? There are people who risk their lives for the rest of us every day so I just wonder where the morality issue starts and ends.

Everyone is entitled to their view on if it is right or wrong but if the "risking their lives" is an issue I think it is a much wider issue.

Show quote history

Are you seriously likening the risk of parents purchasing a womans womb to the pregnant woman (non essential) to the life saving acts of the firefighter, (essential to save a human life).

The parents who are buying a baby are not at risk. They just want a baby, it's nothing remotely like being at risk of death or serious injury.

What a strange and unreasonable comparison.

lifeturnsonadime · 16/05/2023 18:02

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 17:02

But is it morally right to pay people to risk their lives for you? Or is it only in this one scenario?

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It is unnecessary risk. How obtuse to suggest that it is NECESSARY for a person to put their life at risk so that others can buy a baby.

LBFseBrom · 16/05/2023 20:55

lifeturnsonadime · 16/05/2023 18:02

It is unnecessary risk. How obtuse to suggest that it is NECESSARY for a person to put their life at risk so that others can buy a baby.

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Agreed, it is not necessary. It is not necessary to have a child in order to be fulfilled.

Original poster

ivfregret · 16/05/2023 20:59

You be quite frankly had enough of this thread and found it deeply upsetting. What a load of horrible nasty people some of you are.

I'd bet my bottom dollar none of you have any idea of what being infertile feels like so please stay in your ivory towers in out of this thread.

I'm actually not majorly as desperate for a child as some of you may point out.

So much for feminism, women having the right to decide and being supportive of other women.

OP posts:

Original poster

ivfregret · 16/05/2023 21:01

And before anyone starts saying don't post if you don't like the answer - I explicitly states this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy, and no I'm NOT talking t about the needs of the baby because I would have started a different thread about that if that's what I was considering - and no that doesn't mean I haven't considered that.

It's like saying if someone is posting about breastfeeding advice why aren't they posting about all other aspects of parenting at the same time.

It's ridiculous

OP posts:

DannyZukosSmile · 16/05/2023 21:05

LBFseBrom · 16/05/2023 20:55

Agreed, it is not necessary. It is not necessary to have a child in order to be fulfilled.

Show quote history

For many people it is. How DARE anyone insist a person has no right to desperately want a baby, and can have a fulfilled life without children? SOME people can, many cannot!

Nobody is entitled to say 'no-one has a right to have a child...' Having a child IS a right. A human right. If someone cannot conceive, and they can gain one via surrogacy - then good for them, and good for the surrogate mother for doing it.

And the baby is with parents who wants them. Everybody wins. Some people just don't want other people to be happy.

IbbleDibbleDibble · 16/05/2023 21:07

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DannyZukosSmile · 16/05/2023 21:10

ivfregret · 16/05/2023 20:59

You be quite frankly had enough of this thread and found it deeply upsetting. What a load of horrible nasty people some of you are.

I'd bet my bottom dollar none of you have any idea of what being infertile feels like so please stay in your ivory towers in out of this thread.

I'm actually not majorly as desperate for a child as some of you may point out.

So much for feminism, women having the right to decide and being supportive of other women.

Cross post.

I am so sorry you have been upset @ivfregret Sadly, as I said, some people just don't want others to be happy, and some will be as unpleasant as they can possibly be. They must get a real kick out of it - because there is no need whatsoever to be so rude and vitriolic towards people who used surrogates. There is NOTHING wrong with using a surrogate, and the level of batshittery and utter hatred on here is just bizarre. No-one thinks like this in real life.

I hope whatever you do - you are happy, and you find what you are looking for ... You are doing NOTHING wrong, by thinking of using a surrogate. Ignore the haters. 😘

IbbleDibbleDibble · 16/05/2023 21:10

ivfregret · 16/05/2023 20:59

You be quite frankly had enough of this thread and found it deeply upsetting. What a load of horrible nasty people some of you are.

I'd bet my bottom dollar none of you have any idea of what being infertile feels like so please stay in your ivory towers in out of this thread.

I'm actually not majorly as desperate for a child as some of you may point out.

So much for feminism, women having the right to decide and being supportive of other women.

Actually I’ve done 6 years of infertility and 7 rounds of IVF to have a child so I know all about it. And I would love more children but that likely isn’t going to happen. I researched surrogacy and it was never an option for us as I couldn’t do that to an innocent baby or exploit a woman from a poorer country (as is the norm in surrogacy). If you don’t care about the ethics fine but don’t act like your infertility gives you a free pass to ignore them.

DannyZukosSmile · 16/05/2023 21:14

ivfregret · 16/05/2023 21:01

And before anyone starts saying don't post if you don't like the answer - I explicitly states this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy, and no I'm NOT talking t about the needs of the baby because I would have started a different thread about that if that's what I was considering - and no that doesn't mean I haven't considered that.

It's like saying if someone is posting about breastfeeding advice why aren't they posting about all other aspects of parenting at the same time.

It's ridiculous

Even though you didn't post about the ethics of surrogacy, some people will still take the opportunity to attack and berate. That's all some posters come to this type of thread for. As you have sadly witnessed.

The anger and hatred and vitriol on this thread towards people who are not against surrogacy is scary, and some posts are quite frankly, utterly disturbing.

IbbleDibbleDibble · 16/05/2023 21:15

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DannyZukosSmile · 16/05/2023 21:25

@Tandora

The baby is an individual with its own human rights.

Not before it’s blooming conceived it isn’t . Totally illogical. yes, you cannot “buy” the or “sell” babies, but it’s perfectly possible to hand over babies and children from care of one person, to another person - happens all the time. There is no charter of rights protecting a baby against this.

Just because it was OK for you doesn't make it OK for other women

OP never said it was ok for all women. She’s just defending her right to do what she wishes with her body, against people like you , who want to police what her and other women can/ can’t do with their bodies.

This. ^ Well said!

YouWonJayne · 16/05/2023 21:30

Iwasafool · 16/05/2023 17:02

But is it morally right to pay people to risk their lives for you? Or is it only in this one scenario?

Show quote history

Doctors, police officers and firefighters are doing an essential civic duty.

Surrogates are not.

NotBirthMum · 16/05/2023 21:32

OP, I’m glad that you have returned to the point of the thread. The anti-surrogacy movement (if that is what they are genuinely here), have made their point so many times before on so many other threads, and have nothing new to say about this. They are unhappy people. Underneath it all, I doubt their issue is with surrogacy at all. It is about affirming each other as being ‘right’.

YouWonJayne · 16/05/2023 21:33

Can I just say thank you to whoever shared the Julie Bindel podcast’s about the surrogate Harriet

It was a tough listen but my main take away is that even though on paper Harriet had all these rights, the pressure and narrative made her feel very much like a vessel (her words) and that’s how everyone treated her. The commissioning parents, midwives, doctors, social workers. Who all wanted to focus on how great it was what she was doing when she was screaming in pain inside about her doubts about giving the baby up. And then being gaslighted into being told it wasn’t her baby.

Its deplorable

YouWonJayne · 16/05/2023 21:34

NotBirthMum · 16/05/2023 21:32

OP, I’m glad that you have returned to the point of the thread. The anti-surrogacy movement (if that is what they are genuinely here), have made their point so many times before on so many other threads, and have nothing new to say about this. They are unhappy people. Underneath it all, I doubt their issue is with surrogacy at all. It is about affirming each other as being ‘right’.

No really we just want people to stop using women as vessels.

toomuchlaundry · 16/05/2023 21:35

I am not infertile but I am adopted and I feel uncomfortable that a baby is being created in the knowledge that it will taken from its birth mother.