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Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Original poster

Anyone seriously struggling with the emotional side?

83 replies

findingsomeone · 03/10/2022 14:30

I've had another baby bomb and it's knocked me sideways. Really struggling with this one, it's crippling me.

Whatever your story, is there anybody else here just in the absolute pits emotionally with infertility at the moment, who would like to rant/whinge/sob?

OP posts:
Ninjajay · 03/10/2022 17:04

Yep me 🙋🏻‍♀️. It's not going well and I'm so fed up of it all. I want it to just happen so I can move on with my life or just be able to accept it's not going to and move on with my life! Also the baby bombs are super hard to take.

Imisscoffee2021 · 03/10/2022 17:36

I got baby bombed so much in February: my best friend, another good friend, another friend and then my sister all in the space of a few weeks. It got to the point whenever someone text me who I'd not heard from for a few weeks, I was waiting for them to announce their pregnancy! I'm in a place where I can celebrate for them now, especially since two of the babies are here already :) only time can help I think, it was so awful when it all happened, I felt like I was a character in a film, its one of those thing you always hear about or see in films and books and never think it'll happen to you x

kanga0 · 03/10/2022 18:49

Yep! My best friend dropped a baby bomb earlier this year (first month of TTC). She was the main person I had to talk about this with, and although we're both still there for eachother, I think we're both holding back on sharing things as she doesn't want to rub it in and I don't want to rain on her parade! The thing I struggle with most is that I've been TTC for 3+ years and I think she'll have the baby before I even get to my first IVF round.

What stage of the process are you all at?

Imisscoffee2021 · 03/10/2022 19:01

@kanga0 I just had my first ivf cycle in august, 5aa hatching blastocyst but didn't work, faint chemical. Have 5 frosties so about to start oestrogen pills for a FET this month. How about yourself?

clhsgirl · 03/10/2022 19:09

On my first cycle and first transfer (see my thread) and found out today at 10dp5dt that my beta is very low (25). I'm feeling crampy so definitely not hopeful. Trying to remind myself that it'll be okay, we're lucky to have got this far and have 3 more embies but definitely not what I wanted for my first positive result. 😢

kanga0 · 03/10/2022 19:18

I've had my consultant appointment, and have an appointment with the nurse to complete my consent forms and be taken through the process in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure how long it will take from then - we're trying not to get too excited that we're finally getting somewhere!

kanga0 · 03/10/2022 19:25

Sorry to hear your first transfer didn't work @Imisscoffee2021 - 5 frosties is really good though! Fingers crossed for your next FET.

I really hope you get good news @clhsgirl - it must be so stressful. What has your clinic said?

Original poster
findingsomeone · 03/10/2022 19:25

As this was quiet for a few hours I wondered if I was alone, which in retrospect would have been better than all of us being here together Sad

I am happy for others who announce pregnancies. But it makes me hate myself more. How difficult it all is, maybe even impossible.

Sounds like lots of IVF on this thread already, hope it works out for you all. Hats off to you too! I wasn't sure whether I could do it or not. I do have a DD, after years of infertility and early miscarriages. We've been trying for another since she was born (2 years now) with one miscarriage and am back on the clomid now. Cycle four looming ahead of me. She was a last ditched cycle 7, and my IVF funding came through as I had my 12 week scan with her. It's really hard not to think I should be grateful for what I have, but this is where I realise that I think my issues are with my body and feeling out of control and not able to accept this when it isn't what I want. It feels so grossly unfair how much some of us have to struggle, when others blink and it happens. What an existence that must be, blissful ignorance. And the losses are an extra layer on top of the shitty infertility too, if you manage to get pregnant you think gosh will I manage to stay that way for long enough anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
findingsomeone · 03/10/2022 19:28

clhsgirl · 03/10/2022 19:09

On my first cycle and first transfer (see my thread) and found out today at 10dp5dt that my beta is very low (25). I'm feeling crampy so definitely not hopeful. Trying to remind myself that it'll be okay, we're lucky to have got this far and have 3 more embies but definitely not what I wanted for my first positive result. 😢

I wanted to reply to you directly and say I'm so sorry that things are not looking good. You must be feeling devastated, but equally still holding out hope because you're in that horrible limbo where you just don't know. It's such a torturous place to be, all the waiting, hoping, and being able to do nothing to help Flowers

OP posts:
clhsgirl · 03/10/2022 19:29

@kanga0 They've asked me to come back on Wednesday morning for another blood test. Will let you know what happens. Hope you're able to get started soon, wishing you all the best.

clhsgirl · 03/10/2022 19:34

findingsomeone · 03/10/2022 19:28

I wanted to reply to you directly and say I'm so sorry that things are not looking good. You must be feeling devastated, but equally still holding out hope because you're in that horrible limbo where you just don't know. It's such a torturous place to be, all the waiting, hoping, and being able to do nothing to help Flowers

Show quote history

Thank you for your kind thoughts. It's pretty sucky. I've (of course) looked up the stats and it really isn't good. I feel awful for admitting this, but I said to my husband that part of me wishes it had just come back negative because if it's just going to miscarry anyway then I could get the sadness over and done with, have a break from the lubion shots and get back to it with the next transfer. I know I need to think more positively but today has been hard.

clhsgirl · 03/10/2022 19:44

Imisscoffee2021 · 03/10/2022 19:01

@kanga0 I just had my first ivf cycle in august, 5aa hatching blastocyst but didn't work, faint chemical. Have 5 frosties so about to start oestrogen pills for a FET this month. How about yourself?

I'm so sorry it didn't work for you. My midwife told me not to get too hung up on the gradings but it's so hard not too. We implanted a 5AB which the embryologist described as "beautiful" and now looks like there's a good chance it won't work out. Definitely felt some affection towards that little ball of cells. Sending you so much love and positive wishes for your next transfer.

Original poster
findingsomeone · 03/10/2022 19:46

@clhsgirl fuck it, you feel how you feel. I hate the whole 'be positive' thing. Being positive won't get you pregnant. It won't help you stay pregnant. And sometimes I think pessimism is a decent survival strategy. It's a coping mechanism I rely on, helps me to compartmentalise better too.

One thing infertility/loss has helped teach me is how to be kinder to myself. Eat the chocolate, get the takeaway, buy yourself flowers. I am much better at being kinder to myself now than I ever have been. It's really easy to tell yourself you should pull your socks up but I don't think that helps in the long run.

OP posts:
clhsgirl · 03/10/2022 19:49

findingsomeone · 03/10/2022 19:46

@clhsgirl fuck it, you feel how you feel. I hate the whole 'be positive' thing. Being positive won't get you pregnant. It won't help you stay pregnant. And sometimes I think pessimism is a decent survival strategy. It's a coping mechanism I rely on, helps me to compartmentalise better too.

One thing infertility/loss has helped teach me is how to be kinder to myself. Eat the chocolate, get the takeaway, buy yourself flowers. I am much better at being kinder to myself now than I ever have been. It's really easy to tell yourself you should pull your socks up but I don't think that helps in the long run.

I love this so much. ❤

Imisscoffee2021 · 03/10/2022 20:55

@clhsgirl I really got attached, I had embryoscopes so I have vids of the fella developing beautifully and beginning to hatch before transfer! Can't help feel a pull to those other little 5, I won't worry too much about grading next time and won't Google statistics and get my hopes up. I hope you get some resolution soon with your current cycle and can Tey again if needs be x

Dragonlady3 · 04/10/2022 11:13

Hi all, can I jump on too please? Really feeling fed up today. I have a DS from previous IVF and we've been trying for another for about 2 years now. We're now on the fourth cycle of IVF in that time. Cycle 1 didn't work, Cycle 2 resulted in ectopic which was left untreated (despite me pushing relentlessly and actually being monitored in hospital). It resulted in a rupture, emergency surgery and removal of both tubes. Tissue was left attached to my bowel so needed methotrexate a few weeks later. Cycle 3 was another ectopic which apparently is almost impossible, so more methotrexate. Cycle 4 (an FET) is now looking like it will be cancelled before we even get to transfer because I've ovulated despite all the meds.
We have two frozen embryos left and I know if I didn't try with those, I would regret it but I do feel like I've given up hope really and am just going through the motions. I just want it to be over so I can focus on appreciating what we have and plan our life accordingly.
So many of all your comments resonate with me.

Dragonlady3 · 04/10/2022 11:16

findingsomeone · 03/10/2022 19:46

@clhsgirl fuck it, you feel how you feel. I hate the whole 'be positive' thing. Being positive won't get you pregnant. It won't help you stay pregnant. And sometimes I think pessimism is a decent survival strategy. It's a coping mechanism I rely on, helps me to compartmentalise better too.

One thing infertility/loss has helped teach me is how to be kinder to myself. Eat the chocolate, get the takeaway, buy yourself flowers. I am much better at being kinder to myself now than I ever have been. It's really easy to tell yourself you should pull your socks up but I don't think that helps in the long run.

I totally agree OP. I think once you get to a certain stage with it all, being 'positive' means something different. It doesn't have to mean a misplaced faith that it's all going to work out, it can just mean looking after yourself and doing what you need to survive it.

Original poster
findingsomeone · 04/10/2022 17:20

@Dragonlady3 feel free to join. Sounds like you've been having a horrendous time, I'm so sorry, you couldn't make that saga up, you must be mentally and physically done in!

How old is your DS? It's hard TTC with issues isn't it, I feel like it stops me enjoying my DD because my focus is elsewhere and not fully on her. But I don't know if I can let go yet, either.

OP posts:
Conundrum12345 · 04/10/2022 18:04

Yes massively. No children yet, meant to FET next week and lining isn't looking good :(

ALL of my friends are pregnant, onto 2nd or 3rd. Even my gay friends through surrogacy.

I'm finding it so tough at the moment and finding the drugs so hard. I just want to crawl away😪

Original poster
findingsomeone · 04/10/2022 18:13

Oh @Conundrum12345 😢 are there more scans planned for the lining, have you got to wait a week to know? Really hope it suddenly improves. Is this your first round?

OP posts:
Dragonlady3 · 04/10/2022 19:02

findingsomeone · 04/10/2022 17:20

@Dragonlady3 feel free to join. Sounds like you've been having a horrendous time, I'm so sorry, you couldn't make that saga up, you must be mentally and physically done in!

How old is your DS? It's hard TTC with issues isn't it, I feel like it stops me enjoying my DD because my focus is elsewhere and not fully on her. But I don't know if I can let go yet, either.

He's 3 now. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to focus on them. I feel so much guilt because I've been so unwell/absent for most of the last couple of years. But like you, I'm not ready to let go. I never wanted him to be an only child and would just love a sibling for him. But also, if that's not going to happen, I want to be able to get to the stage of being able to process that and move on rather than living in this constant limbo.

Dragonlady3 · 04/10/2022 19:03

Conundrum12345 · 04/10/2022 18:04

Yes massively. No children yet, meant to FET next week and lining isn't looking good :(

ALL of my friends are pregnant, onto 2nd or 3rd. Even my gay friends through surrogacy.

I'm finding it so tough at the moment and finding the drugs so hard. I just want to crawl away😪

I'm so sorry, it's so frustrating when your body can't just do what it's supposed to, even with all the meds. It can feel like one blow after another.

clhsgirl · 04/10/2022 19:05

The things we put ourselves through. I'm so sorry we're all here but lovely to have support and a listening ear (so to speak).

Dragonlady3 · 04/10/2022 20:46

clhsgirl · 04/10/2022 19:05

The things we put ourselves through. I'm so sorry we're all here but lovely to have support and a listening ear (so to speak).

Yes it's a relief to have a vent to some people who get it! Hope your bloods surprise you tomorrow @clhsgirl. I've got a repeat scan in the morning to confirm whether we need to cancel this cycle. Not feeling very hopeful as the nurse was pretty sure on Monday but you never know.

Conundrum12345 · 05/10/2022 06:23

Yeah first round. We've had several natural losses and I'm on an immune protocol.

Next scan is tomorrow morning 😖