Anyone seriously struggling with the emotional side?

[findingsomeone]

I've had another baby bomb and it's knocked me sideways. Really struggling with this one, it's crippling me.

Whatever your story, is there anybody else here just in the absolute pits emotionally with infertility at the moment, who would like to rant/whinge/sob?

How was the scan this morning @Conundrum12345? I hope things progressed a bit for you. Ours didn't unfortunately so this cycle is cancelled. It's very frustrating, such a waste of time, money and all that emotional investment. Hope you've had better luck?

May I join you all please? I'm feeling very emotional today - I knew in my heart of hearts that our 5AA hadn't made it and I tested negative today. I felt quite optimistic until Sunday when I just knew it hadn't worked. I know people say you can't tell until you test on your OTD but I could, I really could.

Conundrum12345 I also hope your scan went well today.

I'm so sorry @TimetoChangeClinics, it's an awful feeling. Is today your OTD? Was that your first one?

Hey Ladies. Just reading through all your messages and totally relate to how you are feeling. I am 16 cycles in and all tests have cone back normal.
I have to lose 3 stone to qualify for ivf funding i am really trying but i really struggle to lose weight quickly i think its partly due to an under active thyroid ( i am on medication)

I ovulate regularly but i have a private appointment tomorrow to hopefully give Letrozole a go, has anyone tried this?

Im almost 35 with an AMH of 9.7 so time isnt massively on my side and wondering when to bite the bullet on do ivf but we would have to go private due to my weight.

I know the NHS are great but i am worrying its all going to take forever to lose the weight, then apply fir funding etc etc. do i just use our life savings and go for it or forever regret it.

X

@Dragonlady3 because of fertility issues I had set myself up for DD being an only, but then my brother died when she was 6 months old. It's made me more determined to try my best to give her a sibling, so she has a chance at having some of the memories that I do. I know siblings don't always get on (my brother and I didn't as children, but as adults we were such good friends).

This in betweeny what's happening with life is so hard though, you literally have no idea which way it may go. So sorry your cycle has been cancelled  will they do anything different next time, or just do the same they did this time but hope you don't ovulate?

@Conundrum12345 hope you had better news at your scan today.

Welcome aboard @TimetoChangeClinics so sorry to hear things don't look good this cycle. It can be very frustrating when people try to tell you otherwise to your thinking can't it? I feel like that can be toxic positivity really. As someone who struggles with fertility and losses I'd rather people sympathise with my whining and that be it. I don't want them to give me false hope or encourage me to think positively. There are times to challenge people's thinking but I think infertility/loss is rarely it!

Hi @NatW2021 so sorry you find yourself here too.

I'm not that sure what AMH numbers mean to be honest, although I know people say in isolation is doesn't always mean much, and other factors should be looked at too?

Given we're all in similar shitty boats I feel like maybe this thread is OK to just blurt out thoughts to each other! So here's what I think.

I'd give the letrazole a go for a few months. Not sure if it will do much if you're ovulating though, I've only tried clomid but I have PCOS and definitely don't ovulate regularly or 'well'. Depending on the funds you have, I'd probably also look into the places that do IVF with refund options if you don't have a baby (that's what Access Fertility says on the tin, doesn't seem to be if you don't get pregnant...). That's been in the back of my mind for us also. You could research this a bit more whilst trying the letrazole, perhaps?

NHS waits can be long, I don't expect they'll apply for funding until you've lost the weight and then there could be a wait to start treatment too. My funding had to go to panel and we missed the first one so had to wait about five weeks for it to go. Thankfully the clomid worked before I had to start the IVF though.

If you start IVF now you've got a good shot at having a baby I'd think, and a reasonable chance at then trying for more. I don't think you can put a price on what having a baby is worth, whilst the price of IVF is huge, so is the price of infertility x

Clomid cycle 3 is a failure here. Just want my period to hurry up. I'm debating using Angus cactus this cycle as I spot so much and often have a short luteal phase, although this cycle was a bit better than the last. I might even try progesterone cream, desperation is setting in!! Did try myoinositol a few months back and I think that made things worse.

It's my 10th cycle of clomid in total (DD conceived on cycle 7 in 2019). I've got another four cycles in the cupboard. Was cautioned by the pharmacist about my risk of uterine cancer by having this many cycles. My consultant didn't share that but I think it's quite old research so plan to take it anyway...I was told they could try me on three months of letrazole after but then there is no more NHS help for us as we have DD. I think letrazole is meant to have better outcomes for people like me (PCOS) than clomid anyway, but I guess it did work eventually the first time.

Thanks @Dragonlady3, it's my second transfer. I had a fresh Day 3 transfer about 13 months ago that ended very badly when I had a uterine infection. We took a pause to get that investigated and treated by a new clinic and then my husband got diagnosed with cancer while we were investigating his fertility, so it's been a really protracted journey to try and get to this point. It's admittedly not OTD yet but I'm only a couple of days early and I used an FRER so I'm pretty confident that it's accurate. It sounds like you've had a rough time too. I'm so sorry. When do you find out if your current cycle is cancelled?

Thank you for the welcome @findingsomeone . I just woke up feeling quite low a few days after transfer and I just knew it hadn't made it - difficult to explain but a sudden feeling of emptiness. I completely hear you on the toxic positivity frustration!

I'm so sorry about your brother @findingsomeone, I can see why that would make you reflect on things. I have 3 siblings and we were the opposite to you and your brother, quite close as kids but not so much as we've gotten older.

Sorry this cycle is a no too. It's tiring month after month. It's interesting to hear about the different meds etc. We were basically advised to go straight to IVF so it's not something I'm familiar with. Hopefully you'll get your positive soon. Do you think you would go for IVF if not?

It sounds like you've had quite a time of it too @TimetoChangeClinics. How is your husband doing now?
I'm so sorry this cycle hasn't worked, I know how it feels when you've been through so much to get to that point. I've never been one to wait until OTD either. On the cycles where I did fall pregnant, I had positives 4/5 days after transfer. I think they make people wait that long because it rules out a lot of the chemical pregnancies that only last a few days. I'd always rather know even if it was a chemical. I also think positives that only show up 10/11 days after transfer rarely end well so I'd rather brace myself rather than getting my hopes up. Which all sounds a bit negative I suppose but that's my take!

Scan is tomorrow morning. I went for acupuncture this afternoon. Hopefully that gets things moving. So used to disappointments at this stage I'm not expecting good news tomorrow.

I'm so sorry yours was cancelled. Is it your first cycle?

No this is round no 5 altogether! So I can definitely relate to getting used to disappointment. It's been quite a rollercoaster. Hope the acupuncture does the trick for you 🤞.

Thanks @Dragonlady3 , you've made me feel a bit better about testing early. DH was not pleased with me when I confessed!

DH is doing better now I think - his last round of monitoring tests came back clear but we're a bit worried his latest set of results showed a pretty significant decrease in sperm quality, and we're not sure why. It had already started to spread when our urologist found it, so there's always the lurking fear that it will come back one day. Sorry for being so dark today. There are plenty of things to be thankful for. It's just hard to remember that at the moment.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to jump on because I can really relate to how you're all feeling. Thanks for making the thread, OP.

We've been struggling with infertility (male factor) since 2019. Had two rounds of IVF and ICSI which didn't work out.. I got OHSS and ended up in hospital, which was pretty horrible for me... so rather than try IVF again we've moved onto donor conception as more likely to work and safer for me. I've had one round of donor IUI so far which was unsuccessful.

It's just devastating and whilst we are trying to get our heads around the whole donor thing, friends keep announcing they are pregnant.

We have friends who now have a 2-year-old, who was conceived after we started trying :(

I am very depressed and also overweight and suffering with back pain etc. so just wondering if it will ever happen and even if it does, if it's a good idea. My partner also has a chronic health condition that makes him tired a lot of the time (also links to the reason he is infertile), so it just feels hopeless sometimes.

Does anyone else ever question whether having a child is even the right thing to do? Like maybe the world is telling us something? Those are the dark thoughts I have sometimes :(

Hi @krisskrosses - I question this all the time. I feel like there is a higher power saying, "Honestly, don't you know when to quit?" My family has a load of generational trauma and I feel like I've had a role carved out for me where I am meant to end the cycle... by not having a child.

That's really sad to read @TimetoChangeClinics - generational trauma is very real - but definitely fades with each generation! I have the same in my family and I hope that my child will be the first generation to suffer minimally/ not suffer at all in that regard.

What I do worry about is they will not know their bio father and may resent my husband, especially if he's not in amazing health down the line. That they might ask me why I brought them into the world.

All these questions I think people who are infertile grapple with so much more than people for who it 'just happens' - you feel like you really have to justify having a child sometimes - it's really unfair.

@TimetoChangeClinics I can imagine it's all still a worry, especially with it being pretty recent. I think that fear is always there once you or someone close has experienced it.

@krisskrosses I'm sorry you've had such a rough road too. I know the donor thing must be a lot to get your head around. I know exactly what you mean about questioning it all. I've had so many doubts on this journey. I had those exact thoughts when having IVF first time round. Was it all worth it and was it even something we really wanted? Now my son is here I couldn't be more grateful for him. I question all the time whether we're doing the right thing trying so hard for another. I don't believe in fate but the universe does seem to be telling us it's not a great idea. Sometimes I feel like we should stop and just be grateful for what we have. But I know I would have regrets if we stopped now.

I also relate to that - I think for me this is increasingly becoming a way of ticking all the boxes so that I know we have tried everything.

Hello, can I join? I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. We had 4 embryos, 2 transferred and were BFNs, one didn't survive the thaw, the other resulted in my first and only BFP and the EPU scanned me today to say there's nothing there. I'm so tired and emotional, I don't know if I can do it any more but still feel like I need to try the recommended three rounds. But the thought of more ivf is devastating to me.

@TimetoChangeClinics @krisskrosses I think that about my family too, except my siblings have tons of kids and they're a lot more messed up/worse off than I am. Feels so harsh that it can't happen for us and makes me wonder if I'm not meant to do this.

@thislittlebird I'm so, so sorry to hear this. How absolutely shitty. Have you got someone with you at the moment?

@TimetoChangeClinics yeah, I have, thanks for asking, my dh is at home. It’s just so hard to keep doing this. I don’t know how people do it for years and years. I just don’t understand why it’s never our turn to be lucky. It’s so very draining.

I'm so sorry @thislittlebird, it's such a horrible awful feeling. When you finally get a bit of light and hope and then it gets taken away. Its beyond cruel. It's so hard to keep going when it just feels like one knock after another. I think only you and your DH can make the call about whether you want to start again. Either way, it's not a decision to be made right now. You need to give yourself time to grieve.
Its such a cruel process, I feel totally battered. This week was the closest I've come to calling it a day. But we have two frozen embryos left and like @TimetoChangeClinics says, I think it's a tick box exercise for me at this stage to not have regrets down the line. If we didn't have those, I would be stopping now I think. That's definitely the end of the line for us after those though.

@Dragonlady3 Yeah I know what you mean. I don't believe in fate either really but it can feel so hopeless sometimes. It's just the time it all takes, 3 years for us, it's gruelling. At the beginning of this journey I heard people saying how the emotional side of infertility is the hardest thing, I figured me and DH are pretty emotionally resilient and will deal with it well - but it's a rougher ride than I ever thought, and it just carries on and on.

I'm so happy to hear that it worked out for you last time with your son, although that doesn't make it any less difficult trying for your second. I wish you all the best and lots of strength💪

@thislittlebird That is so tough to have a BFP and then nothing on the scan. It must be so hard to pick yourself up and think about doing another round. I hope you are able to look after yourself amongst it all. I find it hard not to lose myself in this sometimes, but I try to escape in hobbies - art/ music/ exercise etc. It can help. Lots of warm wishes to you.

@Dragonlady3 yeah, I feel like we will do more but it worries me, I won't lie. The toll this all takes on us mentally and physically and I'm not getting any younger. I do know what you mean about tick box. If I had a few more embryos it might be a case of going through them and calling it a day and we only had three that made it, so I feel like I should give it more goes to be able to say I've tried.

@krisskrosses thanks. the time is so stressful, it's been three years for us too. I feel very lost in it, my age doesn't help. I was 36 when we started trying, I'll be 40 in May. This was never what I wanted, or thought would happen, I don't want to be doing this long into my 40s. I feel like we'll do 6 months to a year more and call it a day. I've taken some time off work sick, I need time to process it all, it's a lot to take it that we have top start from scratch.

@findingsomeone I had to completely stop FB because it seemed everyone was just popping babies while we've been trying for years even with IVF. It has helped my mental health. Thanks God close friends haven't got pregnant (not trying though) ; otherwise hard to avoid.

@NatW2021 I'm doing private IVF, terrible outcomes and specialists recommended I lose weight. Took a 5 month break, got many more supplements, lost 36 pounds. Still yet to see if it worked to improve fertility. Still a bit overweight but much less. Before BMI 40 now 32. Dr's say that the medicine is less effective when overweight.

I did keto, 20-25 gr carbs a day, light walking and went to a weight loss GP who gave me injections. Only keto for 3 months but then stopped losing weight so added injections. Years ago I had given up on losing weight but now that apparently affects fertility had to do it. It's a lot of hard work but it paid off.

Started a new IVF cycle, have same amount of follicles, yet to see if it helped quality (because of medicines absorbtion).

I recommend keto to everyone I meet who tries to lose weight 😁. Hope you don't mind. Dr said at least reach to 35 BMI.

@thislittlebird

I'm so sorry for your loss. Me too, almost 4 years if treatments, and in the last year it seemed like a miracle finally a BFP only to have a MC a few weeks later. Chose not to have a D & C and took almost 5 months to clear. 2 cycles pregnant again only to MC again.

I know dr's say is normal for the age but please find other opinion, get checked, get new tests to try to find the root cause.

Take care of yourself, on the first MC I was devastated.

@Dragonlady3 if I were you I'd keep trying. At least try with the embryos you already have. If the lining is a recurrent issue maybe try alternative medicine, add accupuncture, herbs, etc