@Bells3032 I hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. I'm sorry its feeling like such a rough patch for you - does your clinic have a counsellor? They might be able to help you explore some of your feelings around some of these issues, as they sound painful for you.
It is a long slog - we started last January with clinic investigations, then covid happened just as I'd finished last test and was ready to go. All treatments were stopped for months, then my clinic prioritised patients who had started treatment when covid happened, so we waited some more. My friend's baby is due next month, that she concieved at the time of my last of 4 IUI attempts that were unsuccessful. None of it is easy.
However, these forums have made me very conscious of never assuming someone elses journey to pregnancy has been easy - many people wont tell you about thier losses and struggles. This forum is evidence of just how many women struggle. Hold space for others when you can.
I treat ferility treatment a bit like depression (which I've had a lot of experience with in the past) - both things have the potential to make me someone I'm not, and to make me interact with people a way I wouldn't normally. Both could make me become reclusive, distant, blame myself and make me unable to feel happy for others. I think acknowleding it, and learning ways to change your thinking help (I'm a big fan of CBT!), and knowing when you're not ok and need to talk about it are very important. Take cycles off when you need it - opportunities to recharge can help.
I've found the Mindful IVF app really useful as well approaching this cycle (the first time I've used it). I'm going through the 10 day IVF prep material just now, and its really helped. I find the ending statement at the end of each recording really useful to hold on to each day and repeat to myself when I need to - you're doing the best than you can, with the tools that you have.
I hope you're ok 