Secondary infertility. When to stop trying?

[Lmos]

Just looking to see what people's thoughts are or if anyone is in a similar position at the moment.

I have a beautiful 5 year old who is amazing but I have always pictured having more than one child.

Our journey to have another baby has been rough. I have suffered numerous miscarriages, tried clomid treatment and pretty much been told attempting ivf would be a waste of time. It has been all consuming.

My question is, when do I stop putting myself and my family through all this. I feel like I am at the point of giving up but terrified I will live to regret it in years to come.

I'm so confused

Have you looked at ARGC in Harley street? They apparently have people coming all over the world for treatment as their results are so good. They take on clients who have failed ivf from other places.

I myself had undiagnosed fertility issues and my iui and ivf failed. I read lots of articles and went down the natural route of supplements, macca powder and I had reflexology and acupuncture. I conceived doing this after 5 years of trying IUI and ivf. My second was born within a year.

I have a 4 year old and in the last 3 years have had 5 miscarriages and 2 ruptured ectopic pregnancies losing both tubes so permanently infertile now. I'm mid way through our 5th and final IVF cycle. I have to say it was only after my 2nd ectopic which ironically was an IVF transfer baby that we started to naturally draw a line under our journey. We always said we would stop when we could say we had no regrets that there wasn't something we could have tried and didn't. I wanted to be able to feel at peace with our decision to stop. And I am. And actually the shut down of the clinics during the pandemic showed me what life would be like just the 3 of us without constantly thinking about fertility treatment in the background, the weight gain from the drugs and the change in my behaviour to being snappy and hormonal and angry all the time. I actually felt a bit resentful to be restarting treatment (but we'd paid in advance so had to see it through!)

My DD would love a sibling, asks all the time but she was also traumatised when I nearly died twice from ectopics.

When she's older we'll explain that we really did give it everything - financially, physically and emotionally as well as nearly dying - no one can say we could have gave more. And that realisation is what is enabling us to stop with no regrets.

@ivfgottostaypositive it's so weird that you said that about being at home and realising what life would be like just the 3 of you at home because I have thought exactly the same thing.

I even said to my husband I feel better about us only being a family of 3.

But I know the minute I go out there and at start interaction with the outside world, see the baby on board badges and the families of 4, the longing will start again.

@twinkledag

I know!! I'm due for transfer tomorrow - my egg collection wasn't the best on Friday and looks like we ll have to start using some of our frozen ones. After getting news that it didn't look like we'd get any blasts from this cycle yesterday i promptly emailed another clinic about moving to them for a final round! I'm a bit cross with myself but I've rationalised it by saying that we've saved money on additional transfers we had budgeted for so it's not much extra just to go for a full round but it's a slippery slope - if we go again will I just try and find more money if that doesn't work and in 12 months time still be where I am now!

I've got a 15 month old ivf baby. Were unexplained, two chemicals and two and a half years to get pregnant with her. We have three frozen blasts.

I'm scared to even think about ttc another. I'm hesitant to even start wanting another child.

Ttc before took me to such a bad place and I know if we ttc/ use our blasts it could all come back.

I'm scared of even thinking about wanting another.

Doesn't help that dd is a TERRIBLE sleeper and chronic sleep deprivation means I don't think straight!

Good luck for your transfer @ivfgottostaypositive ❤️

I’m in the same place! I have a beautiful 2.5 year old from my first journey through IVF hell and have now been trying for baby no 2 for a year (one failed cycle and 3 FET’s resulting in BFN’s). To make things worse, I suffer from thin lining, so FET’s actually mean going through stims and all the other crappy injections, in my case, which means I basically feel like I have had 3 failed IVF’s rather than 3 failed FET’s in the past year. As a result, I am prepared to give it one more go (FET planned for July) and if that doesn’t work, will give up. I have mixed feelings about it. I would really like my daughter to have a sibling but I also quite like the dynamic we have as a family of 3. We will also never have to worry about not being able to pay for schools, holidays etc. with one child. But this is rational, non-FET me speaking. As soon as I start the process, I desperately start wanting that second child... Ultimately, I think every couple needs to find their own cut-off point which will depend on so many different factors (how many terrible experiences such as miscarriages have been had, how strongly one feels about having 2 children, how much money one has). And then, once the cut-off point has been reached, it is a matter of making your peace with the decision to stop. I think it is quite helpful to decide beforehand when your last try is going to be. It helps to prepare for after, if it unfortunately turns out to be a BFN...

I don't know the answer. My dd turns 4 tomorrow and I'm currently in the tww after a FET last week. (Currently having a worry as I feel like my period is on its way; it did arrive 6 days after transfer last time but I'm on extra progesterone this time so hopefully it's just normal cramping).

We wanted a 2 year age gap and that is now long gone! We've been trying for 2 1/2 years and I have been a miserable cow for most of that, and that is just such a waste! I feel so guilty for not being a happy mum to my dd. Oh how I wish they could just tell us if it was going to work or not!

We have another embryo in the freezer and have paid for another full cycle in advance. I think for me the cut off might be when I get to 40, in 2 years. I don't want to give up but I guess there comes a point where you must just move on.

Oh this is so tough. I have a 6 year old child. We conceived naturally after the first month ttc. Took it for granted the same would happen with child number 2. 3 years later of ttc and two rounds of IVF and we have nothing but heartbreak. I turned 40 last month. I always said I’d stop at 40 but I’m still doing ovulation tests each month and trying. I feel like I’m clinging onto 1% that it might happen. I just wish the longing to have another child would go but it hasn’t. I have low egg count. I’m healthy. I’m thinking of going to have another blood test done to check my egg reserve. I really want one more to at IVF. I know we can afford it but don’t think my husband wants to do it again x

It’s hard but we’ve drawn the line. Our ivf baby is 4 in August. We’ve had a failed fresh and frozen cycle since - amazing embryos but sheer agony on transfer with no explanation as to why.

Lockdown has given me time with my daughter I never thought I would get and helped me see a future as a family of 3 but it still hurts when that time of the month tricked me into that false hope (I’m not sure how after so many years). I still cried when someone collected my little girls trike today she’d outgrown knowing there was never going to be another. It hurts when I see my daughter playing ring a roses with her doll or a photo of someone as mummy’s cooking dinner and she doesn’t have a sibling. I’m still up at 1am mulling this all over in my head.

But I know deep down that I will lose many more years if I put myself and my family through further treatment.

In your place I would give up trying and be content with what I have. It could just happen, it might not.

Your daughter will not be the only 'only' child in her class at school. There are plenty of them around. Just make sure her friends are always welcome and relax.

You sound really nice.

I am in the same boat! After 3 miscarriages, I’m prepared to give it one more go but if that doesn’t work then I think I’m done. I feel like my entire life is on hold and it is consuming me.

That said, I’ll probably change my mind a million times. Have you tried talking to a professional about it all? I have just started - jury is out at the moment on whether it’s working but hopefully it will help me process my feelings a bit xx

@Defyingstars

I'm sceptical about professional help if I'm honest. I've lost so many pregnancies and had so many failed IVF cycles that I think I would begrudge talking to someone who hasn't had their own personal experience of that?

Yes it’s a good point. I’m so sorry for all of your losses and a horrid 3 years. I’ll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you for this cycle, but hoping you find peace either way xx

Hi - I'm in the same boat too. Our DD is 2, she was conceived through IVF (first cycle so we were really lucky), since then we have tried naturally and 3 failed IVF cycles. The first 2 failed went really badly, the third we changed clinic and I started taking DHEA and other supplements after reading It Starts With The Egg (highly recommended) and it went much better, BFN but an embryo on ice. We had to book a package of 3 at that clinic so have 2 left - part of me feels optimistic and part thinks we're being ridiculous as I'm now 42. I haven't really told anyone we're trying again because I find it a bit embarrassing. Sometimes I'm sick of it and want to move on, but my DD loves babies and keeps pointing at my stomach and asking...

I had a cut off, agreed with my husband of 40, I turned 40 and still trying. I can’t let go. But finally, finally feeling the weariness of it all. I wish I could say it would be a positive decision when we do decide to stop but I think it will be more age plus just how worn down I am. Two miscarriages, failed FET, and everything always looks great on paper. I will give it one more ivf cycle and then draw a line under it. In the meantime I’m taking a million supplements and it doesn’t make a jot of difference, I was putting the supplements into his and her pill boxes last week and I just cried.

Luckily my DH is supportive after an initial wobble where he didn’t want to discuss another cycle. I think it’s helpful to plan something positive for a future which doesn’t include another dc. I wish you the best of luck, I really do. Always makes me happy when I see other people winning at this heart rending journey

@Lynda07 this is the second thread I’ve been on this morning to see you giving unhelpful advice. Have you experienced infertility? Because telling people to ‘relax’ is one of the worst cliches that’s so often given by people who just don’t understand. I would suggest you think twice and hold back on responding to these threads out of kindness to the people asking for help.

To the OP and everyone else on this thread, I’m so sorry for what you have been through and are going through. I’ve been there, but finally came out the other side with an 8 year age gap. It’s so very hard to know when or if to let go. People used to tell me how brave I was to keep going and I used to think to myself that actually, the harder and braver thing to do would be to stop. So to any of you who make that decision then I hope you can appreciate how strong you are and will have been to go through this

Hi Guys,
It's been lovely to read this thread and see that there are women who are in the same position as me because at the moment when I look around all I see is people getting pregnant and it's driving me CRAZY.

I have a gorgeous DD from my first round of IVF, she's not x3. Two failed FETS and now thinking to try again...I really didn't want to have to do stims again but... I don't think I am ready to give up, I really want to give me little girl a sibling. It's so hard. I have pcos and immune issues btw.

Hey @zoeyj I'm ttc #2 and have pcos too! I find these boards so comforting, knowing that I'm not the only one struggling. Plus generally people aren't always as sympathetic about secondary infertility/assume if you've had one baby then of course you can have another! I'm in the middle of my first cycle on letrozole at the moment - praying it works or that I at least ovulate on it.

@Rg1987
Hey, ahh snap! (Totally sucks to be snapping over this but small mercies). Yes people are like 'oh well at least you have one' which is true and I am grateful but that longingness for another is still here.
Ahh I am sure you will! Are you eating any special foods for PCOS? When I conceived my first I cut out sugar and I took metformin, think I may have to do that again. argh x

@zoeyj 100% agree. Of course so happy and lucky to have my first. But the longing to have a sibling for them to play with is huge for me. I think probably because I'm close to my sister. How old is your DD?
Yep, I'm on metformin, plus take vitamin D, conception pill and inositol. Rattling around like a pill jar! Re diet, I'm trying to cut out sugar but I'm finding it harder than normal at the moment. Maybe because of lockdown? I've not had any booze for a couple of months which is a plus I guess :)

@Rg1987
I grew up with three sisters so maybe that's where it stems from too. My DD is 3 :) Did you have your first naturally?
I hate metformin, I literally can't eat anything when I'm on it. Not heard of inositol before...had a quick google and now I am confused ha! Is it another thing to help with insulin resistance?
Well done on the no booze!

Yes I was midway through getting fertility help, and found out I was pregnant. It was so surprising as I don't ovulate often/regularly.
Yes metformin is really hard to get used to. Inositol is supposed to help with insulin resistance and ovulation. Can't hurt!!

Oh wow that's amazing! I secretly hope that will happen to me. I basically celebrate like ive got a positive pregnancy test when I ovulate as it's so rare. Yes, I did some more reading on it and it looks like a good thing to take so I might go ahead and order some, might have to start taking fish oil too :/

Haha I'm the same about positive ovulation. Best of luck to you on your journey.