Babies in the waiting area...

[meadowlark3]

What do you think about babies in the waiting area of your clinic? A couple came to our clinic and brought their small toddler (perhaps 18 months) and the baby played and babbled in the main waiting area. It seemed to make lots of other patients quite uncomfortable.

It surprised me to see a small child running about and wondering what others think.

xx

I just want to backup bananafish on the use if the word 'barren' - there are a few of us who have been knocking around here for a while now and coming to the end of our IVF journeys without the happy ending we so badly want (and that lots of people of this thread have evidently had).

On a select number of threads we use very black humour to try and deal with our situation, and describing ourselves as barren is just the tip of the iceberg.

We've seen countless women come and go through this board and we're still here, childless, battle-scarred but still standing (just about). Please don't take offence at the language we chooses to use to describe ourselves - it's not aimed at anyone else and it's easy for us forget that not everyone who posts in Infertility is a long-term resident...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts gals. I see that there is a wide range of response...I was curious to hear as I couldn't ask any of the other persons in the waiting area, of course.

Scottishgirl85, I think that going abroad would be a different situation as your childcare options are more limited. But perhaps to ease your guilt you could inquire with the clinic what their policies are.

In our case, we are at an NHS assisted conception unit, so a mix of NHS and private patients, but no one is there for anything BUT infertility, so no gynae/scan patients present. The family that brought their LO initially waited in an attached anteroom which seemed quite considerate but then the mum came to the main waiting area and the child followed her in. It was surprising to me because the couple seemed quite posh really (Stokke stroller) and I would have thought they could afford childcare (yes, that is judgemental!)...and they both flipped through their phones while their LO toddled around the waiting area and dad stayed in the anteroom...so it seemed they weren't tuned in at all to the discomfort that many women seemed to be experiencing. (Visibly stiffening or turning away from the child). Even if that child were adopted, it still seemed quite inconsiderate of these parents especially in how they handled their LO in the waiting room...

I agree with bananafish that seeing children is difficult no matter what as it is a reminder of my own barrenness. If the family hadn't been seemingly ignoring the wee one, it perhaps wouldn't have felt so crap...but I am already comparing myself to every other person with a baby and thinking if I were in their shoes, I wouldn't ignore my baby in the fertility clinic whilst I scroll through my phone... (AIBU?) I apologise for that bitterness but it is where I am these days in my failing to conceive journey

xx

LesserWeevil I wanted to add that I am sure there are circumstances where mums must bring their babies with them, and that is unavoidable. I am fortunate to be going through this with my DH by my side for every appointment, so to have yours away in the forces must have been so difficult. From reading some respnses above, it seems that most people wouldn't fault you for bringing your LO to your visit. In the case at my ACU, it seemed to be just proper inconsideration on the family's part (I think) so what's offensive is a very different case than yours.
x

Don't forget that the women sat there with their children are, for the most part, probably feeling at their most vulnerable too. I certainly was during recent treatment abroad for which our son was with us. We were away for 12 days, we wanted him with us and there were certain appointments I needed my DH there for support so he came to the clinic too. I have also had a couple of very last minute appointments ("can you get here in the next half hour?") at home, for which he has had to come to. Obviously it's not great! But I would expect most of the women doing it, are the same as me, they don't want to, but the alternative (in my case) would have been to miss out on treatment that cycle.

Infertility is a shitty hell hole to be in and the thought that I might have upset someone by having my little boy at the clinic with me is horrible and I honestly apologise. I'm just trying to put the point across from the other side. "Luckily" our infertility journey has been going on for so long, he is now at school and it's much easier to fit in appointments without needing childcare.

As an IVF veteran (I did 9 cycles) I could not bear children in the waiting rooms. It really rubbed salt in an incredibly painful wound. Towards the end I couldn't even stand the walls of happy baby photos.
I know it was a selfish irrational way to be but my despair and need to protect myself was so great at that time.

As an IVF veteran (I did 9 cycles) I could not bear children in the waiting rooms. It really rubbed salt in an incredibly painful wound. Towards the end I couldn't even stand the walls of happy baby photos.
I know it was a selfish irrational way to be but my despair and need to protect myself was so great at that time.

I don't think it's selfish to want to feel like the fertility clinic is a place that's sympathetic to the very reason you're there in the first place

We can't escape the fact that we are childless at any other point in our lives

The crushing fear and permanent sadness that we will never become a parent is ever present, and there's no escape

Our friends are all moving ahead on a path that we can't join. We're terrified that we'll never be able to share that part of life. That we'll never become part of the parent club. That no one will ever call us Mum.

It's why infertility forums and threads are so valuable - because we feel less alone when we know we're not the only ones who can't do what it seems everyone else manages to do.

And for those of us with multiple failures, the threads in the barren ghetto for those of us who are reaching the end of the line, who are facing the real possibility that our infertility journey is at an end, that we will remain childless - and feel truly barren - for the rest of our lives

So the fertility clinic is where those feelings are most raw. Children in the waiting room just rub salt into the wound. I have never felt more barren than in the clinic (a private clinic that's solely for infertility, no gynae procedure) where couples have brought their baby or toddler. A Mum and Dad and child. They have succeeded where we have not and probably never will. It's like a knife through the heart

Practically of course there's no way around the realities of people not being able to arrange childcare. But emotionally my husband and I can't help how we feel. I'm sorry if our desperation means we're not showing enough empathy for those who bring their child to the clinic. I understand there's no practical solution other than separate waiting areas, but neither can we help it that we find children and baby photos in the fertility clinic environment distressing.

Banana.
closephine, Why would your "only alternative" to bringing both your DH and your child to the appointments be to miss out on the treatment? You seriously couldn't let them wait in the next room?

Flogging I meant my son had to come not my DH. He was at work and no time to arrange childcare... and when abroad they did wait in the next room. Forgive me for wanting my husband there to hold my hand when about to go for egg collection in a foreign country.

I don't know what the solution is. And no I have never ever seen children at my uk clinic - coz they are not allowed - clearly states it !!

I assume that if lucky enough to have a child that if doing ivf again / or secondary infertility - which is nothing like the craving and sadness of first time infertility coz you have a child and parents .....

That 99% of you will have made mummy friends Thro clinics M&T nct etc and surely could ask them to have your child for an hour while you have an ivf app /scan at a private clinic - even if things change.

As we know they do with ivf - but if get scanned today and told to come back tomorrow for another scan as we had to as lining was enough. - the. That's 24hrs to find childcare

Yes a spare room to be made into a crèche at clinics would be fab - as long as sound proofed 😉 - as would solve this dilemma

I can see both sides of this one. We have a 3 year old DD and it took 4 treatment cycles to conceive DC2, so I had many, many appointments. DD had to come to the clinic with us for our initial consultation as there was a long wait for an appointment in the first place and our childcare fell through about 5 minutes before we were due to leave the house. We put her on the iPad in the waiting room, with headphones, so she was completely mute. I felt very awkward about it and we waited in the street until 1 minute before our appointment time (they were then running late). The consultant who did DD's actual embryo transfer got to meet her, which was quite special for us, and we appreciated getting to have that experience. I hope that we didn't make too many peoples' day worse than it needed to be.

Beyond that one time, I have moved heaven and earth to avoid taking her, partly out of respect for others and partly because the last thing I needed was to be looking after her! I've paid £££ for whole extra days of nursery just for the sake of a 15 minute scan appointment, and our last cycle my OH didn't get the opportunity to even set foot in the clinic. I have had two embryo transfers completely alone. Not ideal, but OH wasn't there at the point of conception anyway, so not the worst thing ever.

In theory it should be a safe space, but people who need IVF for their first child usually need it for a sibling, so it's impractical to have a blanket rule. Some people have very limited access to childcare, particularly last-minute and on certain days of the week.

"That leaves 24 hours to find childcare"

I can understand the pain it can cause seeing a child in a fertility clinic. My mother was unfortunate to give birth to my brother at 7 months old ( her first baby) he was born sleeping and she had almost died due to severe blood loss. The most heartbreaking thing was she never got to see or hold her baby and was took up to the antenatal ward where all she could hear was crying babies.

We don't know people's individuals stories and maybe it's something they the clinics need to address.

Blinkyblink - there really is no need...

I've only had one appointment in a private clinic so far and there was a mum with toddler climbing the stairs in front of me. Mum apologised when she saw i was following them up. I actually felt bad for her that she was apologising although she may have just meant sorry for being slow

At this stage (3 years ttc no pregnancies and initial consultation booked for end of April) seeing children in the waiting room doesn't bother me.

Early on - 2 years ago/ when we started to look round clinics and attend open days I found all the photos of babies on the walls completely depressing like some cheesey advert just highlighting how desperate you are to have gone to the clinic open day.
But now I don't mind them, coz now I realise I am that desperate

We have severe male factor infertility and I see it as a couple we cannot have a baby but it really does piss me off how people assume any fertility issue is with the woman.

We live an hour from family and so if we're lucky enough to get a child we won't have childcare to try for a sibling so I dont know what we will do in that situation. Wouldn't that be a wonderful predicament to be in

I did find it hard on our private clinic nut it did give me hope that ivf can work x

No, no and no. It's totally inappropriate. It's rubbing salt in peoples' wounds.

I don't see how in any way it can be considered a positive. Anyone undergoing fertility treatment knows it COULD work -having small children shoved in our faces in what should be an understanding place, doesn't give me hope that it could work, it just makes me upset and angry. I don't need to see other couples children in clinic to give me hope, if I knew there was no hope, I wouldn't bother being there in the first place.

I find it incredibly selfish. I understand sometimes childcare can be difficult, but people have to manage it for egg collection or for their first (2nd/3rd) child when they're giving birth to the next one and they don't make excuses then, so I don't see why appointments/scans at fertility clinic are so different/ apparently impossible to find childcare for.

Where are these mythical babysitters who will take children for 15 mins whilst you pop to the drs? the same place that they came from when you were on labour ward where you've already stated you wouldn't take your existing child.

I have to take my children everywhere with me. what, so they each came to watch you giving birth to the subsequent one? I presume not, which means if you managed childcare then, if you had to you'd be able to find it to attend fertility clinic should you be unfortunate enough to need to go there. You'd have to for egg collection anyway, which means if bringing your children wasn't an option you'd find a solution.

Many people don't have babysitters on tap (we certainly don't) so I understand why they were there. I could have done without the three brats rampaging around the epu when I was miscarrying after ivf though.

eurochick but that's the thing, no one knows what stage of the process anyone else is at, so it's all very well that you understood at some point, but there's almost certainly someone else in clinic at the same time who is going through something devastating.

It is basic consideration for other people not to bring your children to fertility clinic. Unfortunately we live in a "me, me, me" society and many people think their personal convenience/wishes trump any consideration for others.

I was a known egg donor for a relative. The information evening at her clinic was at 6pm on a week night. My husband was at work and I had a one year old DS. I had to take him and got royally told off by the staff and had to leave. My relative was furious, I totally got it. But I missed the evening and went into the whole donation process without knowing the basics from the outset. I don't know what the solution is, but the clinics should be more responsible with timings, waiting rooms, layouts, etc. Whoever the women are that are there have enough trouble, whether they have kids or not.

Delurking as this is something I've spent a long time thinking about it. I've been on both sides of it. I loathed it when people brought babies and toddlers to the clinic while we were ttc our first; we didn't know if we would ever be parents and I found it so, so hard. And then we were lucky, and we had DD... and then she died. (I posted on MN under another username at the time.) So I was back at the clinic six months after her death, again sitting with babies, at my lowest imaginable point. It was beyond awful, just hideous. Anyone sitting there in the clinic and feeling the way I felt then - I don't really have any words... just absolute sympathy.

We went on to manage to have DS and are now trying again - unsuccessfully so far, and for as long as our savings hold out. I find being in the clinic easier than I used to, but far from easy. And in my last cycle, I had to take DS to one appt as I am a SAHM and was entirely without options for childcare that day. I don't have any friends who are free in the day and my parents don't live nearby (they came for EC but it's a three-hour trip for them and they can't manage it that often); I can't leave a nervy, quiet child with someone he doesn't know. I'd scheduled all other appts at times DH could leave late for work or during the few hours a week that DS in in childcare... but this time I was out of options. I was mortified to have to have him there and we sat in the corridor bit of the waiting room, keeping as quiet as we could and watching a video. I myself was much more stressed than usual, as I was fully aware that other people there may have found our presence almost unbearable - we are not the entirely happy family it may seem, but other people don't know that, and I was more than aware of how much we may have been affecting people who were walking past us. If there had been any other option, I'd have taken it like a shot.

I suppose I am trying to say that I agree both with those who think it's unacceptable and also with those who are saying sometimes there's no choice but to take children. A separate area for children would go a little way to solving that but I'd imagine most clinics don't have the space (or perhaps initiative...) to provide it. I'll speak to our consultant about it next time I see him; I should have mentioned it to him before but I find it a hard subject to talk about.

I have taken my ds to a smear test but I wouldn't TO a fertility clinic as I think that would be unfair. They don't often actually need both partners there at the same time do they?
Very inadequate to all those who need them today. Please be kind to yourselves, I remember today as heinous when we were strugggmh to conceive

I think it's a bit ridiculous to compare finding a babysitter for labour to finding one for a follicle scan/consultation.

When you go into labour it's a truly extenuating situation when your partner, relatives and friends don't mind being called on any time of day or night and can get away with not showing up to work. Even so, i know people who have delayed going to hospital much longer than advisable, and those who have had to go on ahead in a cab while waiting for childcare to arrive. Some dads have almost missed the birth.

If your child is not enrolled with nursery/childminder and you somehow manage to find childcare for 11am on a tuesday there are a dozen reasons this might fall through and you can hardly then ask your mate to not show up for work to travel an hour across London to look after your child. Equally, you can't just not show up to your scan and jeopardise £££ worth of treatment. It's not that simple.

Little empathy here for women experiencing secondary infertility.

With the number of appointments sometimes necessary, including some at short notice, childcare - and cost - can be a significant issue. I personally didn't take DC1 to any appointments, but we'd found it really hard to find sitters locally available ad hoc during the day. DH took annual leave each time, which he could only take in whole days.

It's very unreasonable to compare fertility appointments to labour!

If you don't like the policy of DC or photos being present, take it up with the service provider. Don't blame other women.

A lovely, much younger cousin of mine who'd moved to London too helped me a couple of times actually: he wasn't confident enough with small DC to have sole charge of DC1 at home, but came to the hospital and met us there and took DC1 to a small park nearby. Very kind of him.

So really it's just another thing for mums to feel guilty about, isn't it? Damn us for daring to get pregnant and then raise our children amongst those (sadly) can't.

Like having terminations are also an insult to those who can't get pregnant. We just cannot do anything right, can we? Selfish and shoving it in your faces whatever we do.

As sorry as I am for those who are having difficulty conceiving, the world cannot stop turning for those of us who have children. We have no choice in many cases but to have our children tag along with us, they are after all, human beings, and not dogs that we can lock in a room for a couple of hours. Babysitters are scarce, and it isn't just "30 minute appointment" because there is travel time to factor in.

The very idea that once again, parents should stop doing what comes naturally (taking their kids to appointments - mine has been to al sorts of appointments with me, inc a smear test & removal of a coil) and hide our kids away like they are a dirty bloody secret, just so others don't get upset....it's madness.