Babies in the waiting area...

[meadowlark3]

What do you think about babies in the waiting area of your clinic? A couple came to our clinic and brought their small toddler (perhaps 18 months) and the baby played and babbled in the main waiting area. It seemed to make lots of other patients quite uncomfortable.

It surprised me to see a small child running about and wondering what others think.

xx

I think if I were running an IVF clinic I'd set up a separate waiting area for people with children. When I was in the clinic waiting room, it did ease the blow somewhat it if the people who brought their small children with them at least looked a bit embarrassed about it, as though they understood this might be quite painful for patients in the middle of their umpteenth unsuccessful round of IVF and trying to come to terms with the increasing likelihood of childlessness.

The worst is the people who take over the whole waiting room with toys and colouring books expecting everyone to coo indulgently over their toddler and encouraging them to interact with all the heartsick patients waiting to have their wombs poked about with. This happened once during my treatment and I was stunned that nobody from the clinic hustled them into a meeting room or something (private clinic, lots of space, so could have been do-able).

I had to have a D&C after a miscarriage . . . in the maternity unit of the hospital. The walls were covered in plaster hand-prints of the babies who had been born there

Fertility clinics are a place where barren women go

Sorry, this is quite offensive. Yes, I'm lucky enough not to be childless. Unfortunately secondary infertility is very common and it's still extremely difficult. Especially when everyone assumes IVF, adoption etc is only for those without kids.

I agree it's not the most sensitive thing to do, to bring a child with you, but unless you're very privileged then there's often not much choice. I never even knew beforehand which days I'd have to go in to the clinic. I've done everything I can to not have to bring my miracle child to my appointments but not everyone is in the same boat.

Secondary infertility can not be compared to infertility.

What do you mean? Of course it's nowhere near as bad. No-one would say that. But the physical similarities are the whole reason this thread exists - because the treatments are the same. It's just not helping anyone to state that only 'barren' women go to fertility clinics.

I understand that people often have limited childcare options.

As someone who has spent what feels like years in the waiting room at my local hospital while I struggled with infertility, it felt like a knife to my heart to see people wheeling buggies into the waiting area.

That waiting room is for infertility treatment only and where there wer couples present I felt that the father should have stayed outside or in the general waiting area with the baby.

There's no way my DH could have taken my entire cycle off just in case he needed to provide childcare. I don't think anyone would be crass enough to think that taking their child with them would be a good idea but sometimes it would be a case of having no other option. All the children I saw in the clinic were all being kept quiet and definitely not being allowed to run around.

I hated the waiting room even without kids in it, the tension and anxiety I and I guess others felt was hideous. I had successful treatment and wanted to show the nurses who helped me my child. The midwife took me down to the nurses staff room so I went nowhere near the waiting room or other people that would have been horrible.

something I did really struggle with was one of the nurses at the fertility clinic was pg.

thinking of you all on this hideous journey I remember the pain, I ended up very depressed and suicidal it is just hideous xxxxxx

Whilst I feel very much for you, it is life that some people have children. Many people.

Following this logic, should cancer wards only allow those with cancer on them?

The idea that infertility is "for barren women" because it's always the woman's "fault" is also not at all helpful. You could be the most fertile woman in the world and still end up childless waiting in a fertility clinic.
I know I sound like I'm on my high horse but I'm not trying to be, I think how we talk about this stuff is important.

How on earth is this comparable to the cancer ward scenario?

please, please some sensitivity, infertility is awful, hideous, painful and grossly misunderstood.

oncology wards by their nature will only have patients being treated for a malignancy, that comment is off the wall and not comparable.

yes it is life that people have children but also life that some people cannot. Kindness, empathy and support are what is needed.

each person reacts differently to infertility, I was devastated, severely depressed and suicidal. I feel for everyone on this hideous journey xx

In this situation, I sat on the other side of the room to them and ignored them completely. I was uncomfortable. If they were running around I think I would have waited in the corridor.

@blackcherries, totally agree the language around infertility needs to be more considered. I spent years at the clinic but I was not ' barren' as I'm sure in half of cases we had mf infertility.

@blinketyblink I think you need to reflect on your use of language and argumentative comments, people on this board are more than likely feeling fragile and your comments are not kind.

I get how hard it is to find childcare and I get that you have a lot of appointments but personally, I found the perfectly innocent people with the baby in my IVF waiting room very hard to take. It maybe irrational but the pain is very real, people who cannot conceive are faced with other people's good fortune on a daily basis and it fucking hurts, the IVF clinic is such an emotional place where women are vulnerable and it's just too much to see. I remember feeling incredibly resentful that this couple were clearly wanting another child when I'd have given anything in the world for just the one, it seemed bitterly unfair and as if they were rubbing it in my face. Infertility can bring out your ugly side, I'm ashamed of feeling like that but it was my honest reaction to the situation.

Very sorry for your experience coconut. It took problems ttc #2 for me to realise some of the insensitive stuff I did/said around my pregnancy, even though I was trying to be self-aware! You never know anyone else's story.

I don't think there's a right answer to all this. Infertility is fucking shit. Everyone deals with it differently. Most people are sensitive to the fact that some people going through fertility investigation and treatment would find the presence of children in this situation difficult. Some people are insensitive idiots. Childcare can be impossible to find at short notice. People with children are still entitled to access fertility treatment.

We are trying to work out the logistics of trying our one remaining frozen embryo (I am not hopeful but then after 5 cycles and 3 frozen cycles I'm a little jaded). But our final cycle gave me my loud, irritating, messy, stubborn toddler and I know from experience that planning appointments etc is hard and adding childcare onto that also hard! We are in the position that treatment will be in the UK, we live in switzerland - so I will be alone with my monkey in London while my childcare network is elsewhere. What do I do? Monkey may have to come with me - obviously I would rather he didn't (not least because waiting rooms are hell on earth and fertility clinic waiting rooms that extra level of hell). It is so hard.

I have to say though, what bothered me the most was the women who brought their entire extended family with them one woman had over 10 family members taking up all the seats and yelling in a way large groups do as I am feeling hot, dizzy, tired, and grumpy during down-regging. I complained to be told "ask for a seat" - as I couldn't be trusted to be civil. There was also the woman there with the mahooosive pram and attendant nanny - I confess I did wonder why the hell the baby was there wth another option - even the option of taking the baby to the much larger non-fertility waiting room.

Apologies to anyone I've offended with the use of the term barren

On many infertility threads the infertility board is referred to as the barren ghetto

Regardless of whether the problem lies with the female or male sides, we are, as a couple, barren

It so happens that the problem is me and although we have genetically perfect embryos on ice, I can't sustain a pregnancy, so we are at the end of our infertility journey and surrogacy is the only way we will be able to have a baby

But on many of the infertility threads there are posters who are doing IVF for MFI, and we all refer to ourselves as barren. We're not trying to have a baby with anyone other than our partners. We don't consider someone who's doing IVF for male factor as any more or less infertile than someone where the problem lies on the female side

Apologies again for any offence caused. On many many threads we talk about the barren ghetto so it's used synonymously with referring to oneself as infertile.

It never bothered me. It can show that clinic is successful.
I have taken dc to smears etc, dentist. And she was bundled in the car when i was i labour with dc2. To the labour ward. The GP came and collected her. Living 1hr + away we couldnt wait that and the 40-1:30hr to get to hospital.
So we did take dc1 to the ivf clinic. Only for consultations where we were both needed.
Obviously not ideal but it is tilo do with the unpredictable nature of ivf and also you may need several rounds so you cant have relatives down every other day for weeks on end/months.

The pg scan letter however did say no dc and yet there were lots of kids in the waiting room. But i think that is more to do with distraction for the sonographer maybe.

I'm genuinely surprised at the lack of awareness some people show for others feelings. Some of the comments on this thread are utterly crass & insulting.
Yes, getting childcare can be difficult & you may have no option but to attend an appointment with your child, but seriously, can you really not appreciate how someone else may be feeling ?
My own opinion is that there should be separate waiting area for people with children (as someone else suggested) where both sides of the situation can relax (ha,ha) a little more.

When I took my DD there we had a busy day - see consultant with we dunno what this thing is but it's nasty - 1st 2 biopsies failed... followed by go get sperm banked as chemo imminent, followed by bloods etc. The visit to the fertility clinic wasn't exactly planned but I had to be there for the signing of forms etc. We also had a fairly long wait due to it being a rush job...

We're just at the point DH going back to have sperm analysed. I don't go along and if I needed to I would be able to sort childcare - there's no urgency.

Previous visits, well my empathy would have been limited by my selfish concern that DH was going to die. If someone were in a similar situation this wouldn't necessarily be that obvious to an outside observer - especially with the whole brave face for children/stiff upper lip.

Realistically no-one tends to choose to need to be in a hospital...

So what is the answer. Some people are upset. Others have no childcare options. I am thinking about this... the thought of not using my frozen embryo fills me with panic - that could be a sibling, another miracle. BUT I also am acutely aware of the pain of infertility (I still consider myself infertile - I was the least excited pregnant person as I expected the worst at every scan). I am now fielding the when are you having a sibling questions and can tell you it is no easier. So I feel the pain. I understand. But, I also know that the lack of flexibility or notice around appointments makes childcare really pretty impossible without a support network.

The pg scan letter however did say no dc and yet there were lots of kids in the waiting room. But i think that is more to do with distraction for the sonographer maybe.

I was absolutely horrified when I found out that my 12 week scan was going to be in the antenatal department rather than EPU. I thought it was horrific that I could go in and discover a MMC and have to come out to normal preggo women in the waiting room

As it was, we discovered my MMC at 10w so I never got to the antenatal department

Understand that in an antenatal department there will be kids, just was terrified about the prospect of being with normal pregnant women

Nothing as horrific as women I know who had to have TFMR or go through labour after a late miscarriage or stillbirth, and who were put on the post natal ward.

Both my children were conceived through fertility treatment. My first child was present at an appointment I had while trying to conceive my second. My husband was in the forces and had been called in to work on an emergency, we had just moved to the area and I knew literally no-one. My family and friends were 5 hours drive away. I couldn't find a professional sitter prepared to take DC1 for an hour in the middle of the day.

It was an impossible situation, and I was acutely aware of the potential distress it could cause other women. I went and sat in a separate area while waiting and did my absolute best to be as 'invisible' as possible, but I really did not have any other option. The situation was horrible, and I was truly sorry that I didn't have another way of dealing with it.