Failure stories

[BipBippadotta]

I'm far past the point where I'm interested in fertility success stories. Tales of lucky couples who triumphed over impossible biological odds to have their miracle baby make me want to self-immolate. Help me feel less alone in my utter irreversible barrenness by telling me about all the fertility treatments, supplements, folk remedies, voodoo, etc you've tried, that work for every other fucker on the Internet, but did bugger all for you.

I'll start!

Things that didn't work for us:
Grapefruit juice
Guaifeneisin
COQ10
Acupuncture
Vitamin E
Royal jelly
Wheatgrass
Pycnogenol
Low carbing
Inositol & melatonin
Cutting caffeine and alcohol
L-Arginine
Baby aspirin
Maca
B6
Starflower oil
Soy isoflavones
Clomid for DH (to increase sperm count)
Clomid for me
Clomid & injectables
High doses of antibiotics
Prednisone
IVF with ICSI

We're just so tiresome with our PROBLEMS and can't we just stop bringing them down - it's not their fault that we're barren and they're not so can't we stop being so selfish and having slightly complicated feelings

I personally don't subscribe to the 12 week rule but that's a personal thing - not because I think stuff won't go wrong, but because I worry that it will. I ran people on a need to know basis, but I was happy for anyone to know about the pregnancy who I wouldn't mind knowing about a miscarriage. It made my life easier tbh because I didn't have to pretend that everything was fabulous when in fact my entire world had fallen apart. And actually it meant friends were able to be supportive and understanding and considerate, so it made life easier for me. Completely personal however and I'm quite an open person (and am lucky enough to have supportive friends)

It comes from a place of NOT having rose tinted spectacles though - which is most definitely not the case on threads like that.

I sometimes think the phenomenon of pregnant women insisting on nothing less than 100% selfless exultation about their pregnancy from infertile women comes from feeling threatened by others' envy & needing to deny that it exists / stamp it out / publicly denounce it, as pregnancy is a vulnerable time and they want to protect themselves from anything that feels like aggression. But mostly I think it's just an animalistic assertion of dominance as alpha fecund females of the monkey pack, making us groom their fur and eat their nits and let them have first pick of the bananas.

Errr, how much have I missed today??

Just dropping by to wish Banana luck tomorrow - I hope there's a quick resolution. Is your test in the morning? Will you get the results quickly?

I also hate the implication that we are doing this deliberately. My friends have generally been great, but there's one who keeps asking me when I'm going to get my eggs frozen, and why I haven't done IVF yet. It doesn't matter how many times I explain the finances and tell her the IVF success rates. She instadiffed, so why the fuck can't I?

Oh bip that last post had me properly belly laughing. I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's pure basic selfish instinct. It's the same people who expect excessive congratulation for everything they do.

Am crossing my fingers for you banana, I'm sorry for the head fucking limbo but I'm hoping it becomes a good news story.

The fertiles can fuck off. I have been so resolutely positive about every fucking baby born to a friend. Purchased gifts, arranged visits, arranged/attended baby showers. You name it. I have had a fraction of that back from people in support. I was tempted to post on that thread about time, where everyone was talking about how their kids had grown up in the blink of an eye. Try 4 years of infertility. That fucks with time.

Virtually no phone reception here, so haven't been on the thread as much. Last night I jacked up in a Michelin starred restaurant #ivfgoals. Period arrived but the clinic haven't called me back to arrange my scan and monday will be day 4 so getting a bit anxious about timing. Fuckers. Dealing with it by drinking champagne. I should be detoxing but I can't be motivated this time. Instead I am fully ready for the inevitable disappointment.

Whoah, what got deleted? Three times??

I can't even link to the thread. That is my MIL. Three pregnancies, all accidents, one while on the pill and coil together. I get that that's dramatic but... do you really think I want to hear about it while I'm miscarrying,?

Tiger me too - I go to all the baby showers etc. When will I be Carrie and someone buys me shoes in compensation???

Sorry Potatoes that was me, I posted a pic of my piss stick to the wrong thread, multiple times, cos I am a fucknugget!! Reported my own posts xx

potatoes Carrie didn't even get new shoes, she got fucking replacement shoes from the smugsters! That still irks me. A replacement of something you've spent hundreds of quid on isn't a gift.

Love this:
" I realise the current trend is to suggest that it is liberating, feminist even, to talk about how tiring/hard/hellish it is to be a mother. I would like to urge caution with this. Sure, talk to any friends in exactly the same position as you, but to a woman desperately trying to get pregnant your Facebook status update about frustrating sleep patterns will sound like sadness that your house is too big.

"I was in my late 30s when my babies were born, so I have seen too many friends struggle or fail to get pregnant, suffer miscarriages or stillbirths, or care for children with special needs, to ever complain about what a nightmare it is to have two healthy babies. Because that’s probably the real thing I found after a year of parenting: how absurdly lucky I feel."

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/sep/17/hadley-freeman-what-being-parent-has-taught-me

Thanks for sharing that robber - that's really on point

Blood taken, will await Dr's call later today. Piss stick faded so I think it's safe to say this is a chemical. Hope the bloods are suitably conclusive so I can stop everything (and wait for my period to arrive so I can probably find out how awful the quality of the lining was)

Can't imagine will be able to cycle again this year. Sigh.

People tell me it'll be good to have a break, after 4 egg collections (5 stims cycles), 3 cancelled cycles, 1 pregnancy (+ 1 miscarriage) and 2 operations in the last 11 months. Thing is I don't want a break. I want a family. A break in treatment doesn't switch off the permanent sadness. All the delay does is prolong things - treading water while it feels like friends are moving further and further away on a different path.

Hey ho.

Banana I'm not sure what I can say that isn't pointless to you, but I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Please update us when you get the doc's call. Do you have a follow up with your consultant? Has he suggested a plan?

Will do. Am sure a follow up will be arranged in the not too distant future

When we met at my last scan we discussed the next steps for different outcomes. We agreed if it was BFN that it would make sense to go back to the original plan to work on my lining: doing a hysteroscopy to check out the environment (and resect any scarring) and insert a copper IUD. Assuming the plan is as we discussed, I'll stop all the oestrogen, progesterone and other IVF meds and wait for my period. We agreed I'd restart oestrogen tablets (progynova) on day 2, along with a vasodilator called pentoxifylline (Trental) and high dose vitamin E, and hysto 2-3 weeks later. Coil would stay in for 1-2 months, and the goal would be to get my lining to thicken and to get me menstruating.

I think what kind of period I get once I stop my meds will be the most useful diagnostic for this cycle. If it's a crap non bleed then it'll be a clear indication that the lining was poor quality.

See how that goes as to next steps thereafter. Whether we have another crack at a medicated FET to see if I have a better response to HRT. Or if we try a Tamoxifen cycle. Or if we do another stims cycle as we have done this month. All to be discussed. Imagine we won't be able to go again till the new year 😓

Yes you're right icy, she even got fucked over on the shoes!

Banana I know what you mean "I don't want a break, I want a family". I'm struck by just how much thinking and planning and changes of plans and new plans and postponing plans you've done. Exhausting. Thinking of you this weekend.

Oh God, Banana, you must be so exhausted thinking about it all. I know what you mean about 'having a break'. I am always puzzled when people suggest this. Have a break! Like you can put it completely out of your mind and relax while you're doing whatever you're meant to be doing on a break (squandering eggs; killing time; having sex that feels utterly pointless). Ugh. Crack on, I say - you know what you want and if anyone has the fortitude to keep going it's you.

Aaarrrrgggghhh. So frustrating. Dr just emailed me.

Still in limbo. BhCG has risen from 5 to 14 - so only a very small rise, but he said too early in the cycle to be 100% sure. Looks like a chemical but can't put it to bed until we've done repeat bloods on Monday.

Fuck knows what happens if on Monday it's doubled but still super low.

How are you bearing this?! I'd be going mad. Are the piss sticks showing anything or have you gone cold turkey on them?

Fuck me, it's never straightforward, is it. Can you just go to sleep until Monday?

FRER was neg and Superdrug which was faint yesterday was even fainter today. So I'd have plumped for hCG going down, not up.

Sigh.

Obv I will POAS tomorrow and Monday, because clearly the piss sticks are giving a really accurate indication

Hoping Monday's level will be sufficient to say OK this isn't viable, stop meds and draw a line under this one.

So fed up.

How are you feeling today Banana? What did the stick(s) say?

How is everyone else doing?

Superdrug is darker and FRER is a neg / squinter depending on what light you look in. This could drag out for bloody ages.

What HCG ml do Superdrug and FRER measure from? Sorry for stupid question, but could it just have been really slow/late to implant? In a normal cycle, I think there's a 6 day window when an egg could implant - could this embryo be the equivalent of the shy school kid dragging its heels at the back? Will there be any damage to the embryo if it is slow to implant?

Superdrug is 10iu. FRER supposedly the same but they're showing very differently. I can't believe anything is viable if it's so low at this stage so I hope we can just draw a line under this if so, rather than watch this fizzle out sloooooooowly.

Digi is positive. 1-2 weeks. Such a head fuck!!!

Aargh, headfuck indeed, Banana. What time is blood test tomorrow? It's just unbearable not knowing, and not knowing when you will know. Thinking of you & the Mr and hoping you're not in repeat beta hell much longer. What dpo / dp5dt are you now?

I read Wolf Hall & Bring up the Bodies a while back, and remember feeling envious of women back in the day when you couldn't tell for certain whether you were pregnant until you had to loosen your stays. Seemed calmer than all the angsty squinting at sticks - a bit more accepting of how powerless we are over what happens. But I suppose you have to balance that against the increased risk of decapitation. All in all we've probably got a better deal.

Hang in there.

I'll go in first thing. I'm 10dp5dt ie 15dpo. Clearblue digi and Clearblue Fertility Monitor both saying positive. I have a feeling we're not going to get any conclusive answers tomorrow, as it's probably doubled but still low. So without tracking it no way to know if it's just a slow starter or it's a chemical. I have a feeling we could be watching this plod along for a little while before it fizzles out

How are you feeling bip?

Sorry to be monopolising the thread with my tiresome piss stick anecdotes.

Would be a lot simpler if we had light up belly buttons to tell us if we're pregnant. Like the oven. Or if they went ping like the microwave. Major design flaw.

I like that idea!