The mind numbing boredom of infertility II

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

This is a thread for peole who really want to get pregnant but can't, who have tried pretty much everything, and are really fucked off about it.

Have you ever nearly punched someone for advising you to "relax", "go on holiday" or "just get drunk - that's what we did"? Well then this is the thread for you.

You won't find much sentimentality here and there's no baby dust, but there is empathy, a lot of swearing and a surpirsing amount of glittery dog shit.

Link to the original thread
original thread

Thanks all, I just...I don't know, I feel everything. I did speak to a counsellor today which was helpful insofar as he just listened and didn't say stupid shit to me.

pumpingiron I am glad your friend is healing and in a much better place. The analogy is so true. I also agree with you - all I ever want is acknowledgment that what we are going through is shit and they are sorry. There's nothing anyone can say to make this better/easier.

Oh Potatoes I hope you're ok, it's been a shitty month all round. Did you get anything useful out of the debrief?

Laura7883 I know the feeling, it's been mini rolls and red velvet cake for me...nomnom. If you ever want to chat, feel free to pm me

icy I hadn't considered donor egg too...when I read your comment, my gut reaction was to say nooo I want it to be mine - I think that's partly to reassure myself that my eggs are fine! I don't honestly know how I feel about that.

karla I can see where you were coming from and I think if the issue was with my eggs (with no issue carrying a child) then I might be more receptive to donor egg...as there would be a bond through pregnancy. With donor sperm, there isn't that bond for the father you know? That's just my take on it and tbh it's easy to say when it's a hypothetical situation!

pebbles hello! Thank you too. We had a brief chat with the consultant and the overview they gave is that they match the donor sperm as closely to Mr Meh as possible (eye colour, build etc)...we would have to go through mandatory counselling before starting treatment.

I'm rather peeved at my best friend...I said that I wasn't great and she asked what was up...I said ivf stuff. She replied with "ahh fair enough" and then wibbled about her husband's travelling. It was the first time I broached the ivf stuff (and last time I fear) the least I thought she could do was ask what was happening or even if I was ok. She's supposed to be my best friend and she's been really shit. Admittedly I've not been great, I've distanced myself, mostly because she has had a baby and it's been difficult for me. However, if someone said it to me, I'd have at least asked if the person was ok or if they wanted to talk they could. Ffs

I'm due on and very hormonal so am possibly over sensitive re the best mate.

Btw ladies, thank you so much, it's been helpful posting here because (and unfortunately) you get it. I don't have anyone IRL like that. I am throwing glittery dog shit everywhere for you all

Hello annie and peaop - welcome! I would say the more the merrier, but it tends to be the more the moanier. Well that's a bit unfair - the more, the more support and shared experiences. But that's not very snappy. Best of luck in the 2ww annie. Waiting sucks.

meh glad you saw a counsellor, glad it helped, and glad posting here helps. God knows you need something going ok. Bad friend though. I agree with the advice to shelve for a bit. I have mentioned before a friend I distanced myself from after she had her kids had kept pestering me about not leaving it too late. Now her kids are older and she knows I've had fertility problems, she's been amazing. When another friend had a baby, she phoned me first to see if I was ok. She asks questions and listens because she really wants to know what's going on. I think we all change over time and maybe after a bit of time your friend could learn sensitivity. Maybe. Or maybe not.

pebbles your easter plans sound lovely. Enjoy! We're spending easter with my parents, and my in laws are also coming to stay. What could wrong? Surely noone will want to grill me about whether I'm ready to try again for their first grandkid?

I fell apart a bit yesterday because the person I mentor at work (you know what's coming) announcd she's pregnant, which was right before my ivf debrief appointment and I was all over the place. But the consultant seemed to be bascially saying: the cycle was good, your miscarriage was bad luck. Which I'll take as a positive. We have two frosties and we talked about having a medicated or natural cycle to transfer them. But what I'm really concerned about is that not working, each cycle taking as long as this one (five months so far from down reg to tediously long miscariage plus needing time to recover before trying again) ie if those two don't work it'll be 12 months + and I'll be 38 going into another fresh cycle. So I suggested doing a fresh cycle now and he didn't laugh me out of the building. He called it fertility preservation and said we could do a cycle where they over stimulate a bit to get max eggs to create max blasts to freeze. Of course I didn't ask any sensible questions like whether they implant on that cycle. But I'm going to do some research. Anyone heard of it? Sounds a bit like what bip had when they aimed to get as many as possible for pgs?

potatoes sorry about the work baby bomb, that's so hard to take. Glad the consultant was quite helpful though. I will let other more knowledgeable people answer your questions! I hope Easter goes OK and the parents don't bother you!

Meh glad the counsellor helped a bit, I've found mine does help. Lots of hard decisions for you, hopefully you can take your time and think it over and maybe talking it out loud with the counsellor will help. Totally get it with your friend, I've had some be really shit too (it's your fault you're too stressed, if it's meant to be it will be. WTF?!!!) I decided not to speak to them about it any more.

Welcome newbies and hope everyone has a good Easter.

Guys I'm really sorry for asking a dumb question but I have no one else to ask! I tested today (day 37) and had a faint line. I think it's too faint for so late to test (cycles can be up to 35 but usually around 30) so wonder if it is a chemical pregnancy? I don't know much about it. I assume I need to test again tomorrow and just see what it says? I'm going away with friends for Easter today and was planning a boozy weekend which is why I tested but now my head's a bit all over the place. Thanks and sorry for silly questions.

Kiwi did you test again? Have you gone and done an ironidiff?! Have you kicked the ides of March in the cunt?!

Could do with some cheering up tbh. Period ibs is on top form so my trips to the loo have been hilarious and deeply embarrassing in equal measure. Luckily not too many women work here!!

Hello All. Delurking here. 35 and been TTC for 2 years now. Not even a sniff of a BFP, while everyone and their dog around me have been falling pregnant left, right and centre. Have had SO many baby bombs recently in the space of the past month that it's become almost funny. Except it's not. The latest one was my hairdresser.

Seen docs and all seems to be working down below. Unexplained infertility. It really is just so so shit. And I'm utterly bored of it all. It's all I think about from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed. Not helped by the fact I come from a big family on both sides where all the women are as fertile as fuck. You'd have thought it was the easiest thing in the world - do the deed and bam you're preggo. If only.

This thread has been amazing - you all get it. No one the real world seems to. The only friend who's been great is a former colleague who doesn't want kids herself but has said to me - I'm here for you if you want to talk at any time. None of that just relax bullshit which everyone else trots out.

Thanks for reading and lots of glittery dog shit to you all.

Kiwi if you tested and it's positive then?

Thanks icy and vixx - should I test again today or wait till tomorrow? I think it was too faint so guess need to see if line gets stronger or goes away? I have to buy another test, I don't have any more. In nearly three years I've only had to test once before. icy it would be ironidiff as I'm supposed to be calling up to organise early cycle scan prior to treatment.

icy your loo trips sound funny. I do like the sound of your male dominated work place at certain times!!

Welcome zenoush you're in the right place, everyone here gets it!

Just popping in to say I really hope you've managed an ironidiff, Kiwi! Fingers crossed! And hello to all newcomers. Meh I hope your holiday was at least a little escape before reality came crashing down again. Laura where are you at with things?

Zenoush it's funny, my best friend to talk to about this stuff also doesn't have/want kids & is just entering menopause. My theory is that my friends with kids feel threatened by my envy, or guilty about their good fortune, and that makes them stumble and say odd things or just ignore it altogether (much like your mate, Meh). I've shelved so many friends in the past couple of years there's really not much left to my social life. My fav is my friend who, meeting me for the first time after my daughter died, desperately offered me the option of not talking about it -'you don't have to tell me about it, you know' - and then looked so terrified when I started to tell her anyway that I thought she might bolt from the restaurant. Then she said 'god, that's rough' and started talking about the agony of secondary school applications for her daughters and her various food intolerances. I haven't seen her again since. I'd always thought of her as someone I was very close to.

I've finally started bleeding at 5 weeks +1 day. Something in my mind has snapped or switched off in the past few days and made me think I can't take any more of this ttc bollocks. I can't think about further attempts with hope or despair or anxiety - just indifference and a feeling of wasted time. 3 miscarriages in under a year is telling me something. I'm wondering cautiously whether I might have reached the end of the line. Also very pissed off that our holiday has coincided with exactly 2 weeks of freakish unseasonably cold & rainy weather and I've been freezing my tits off. And Dh has had a revolting headcold and now I'm getting it too. I know, I know, first world problems, but in the context of everything else I'm just FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHITTY LUCK ALL THE TIME. Though I did see three alligators yesterday. And I guess none of them attacked me - which is good luck of a sort. Must try to count my blessings.

Potatoes I also did what your consultant may refer to as a "banking" cycle. On first cycle, during scans sonographer found uterine polyps which needed to be snipped before embryo transfer, so my cycle became a freeze all (2 blastos in freezer). The date for hysteroscopy to remove polyps was 4 months away, so while waiting I spoke to the consultant who agreed another freeze-all cycle to "bank" more embryos (second cycle I got another 2 blastos in the freezer). Got both cycles in just before I turned 39. Regarding transfer, they may well suggest that you make the decision at the time of egg collection, if you are feeling well and no/little side effects from collection and no signs of OHSS, then go ahead with fresh transfer, otherwise have a recovery cycle and then go into frozen transfer. Regarding natural V medicated transfer, my experience is that doctors prefer to pump you full of drugs as it (almost) guarantees that your body has the hormones it needs to support the growing baby. Medicated transfer need not be a crazy long window, you have a period, start down reg contraceptive pill from day 14 for a week or so, when you have a bleed then you start the progesterone supplementation and they monitor lining for transfer.

Something I found very useful was sending a list of questions by email to consultant's PA who then arranged for him to call me, so there was less chance for either us to forget to ask important questions. Mine was very responsive by email via his PA so it saved alot of waiting time and unnecessary appointments, also I had an email trail to refer to.

Bip and Meh don't forget that the fecund are frightened of the barrens because IT MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS!

Bip no one can blame you for despairing. Only you can decide how long your line is. Extra special rainbow-neon-unicorn-powdered glittery dog shit for you.

Quite a few clinics do banking cycle packages

CRGH do a two cycle package

Create do a three cycle package

I'm not sure how long CRGH make you wait between cycles if you're doing high stims - normally it's three months. But you'd still get two cycles done within 5 months, assuming they were both short protocol

Create do mild cycles so you can do them alternate months. Woman on my low AMH thread on FF did hers in 6 months, with a fresh transfer on the third cycle

I did two cycles in 4 months - one in Sept l/Oct and one in Jan

Both were short protocol so only 2 weeks from starting to EC. Then 2ww

This mc has obviously taken us back to square one

Although we have 4 frosties I'm minded to do another fresh so we can try PGS.

Long protocol doesn't have to be the default - it depends what's right for you, but a cycle doesn't have to involve weeks of down reg

Cautious maybe congratulations to Kiwi.

Bip> It might make you feel a little bit better to look at the weather forecast for the UK for the bank holiday weekend. And we don't even have alligators!

Bip like pumping said, only you and you DH know what you're prepared to do it how far you're prepared to take it all. Nothing that I can add, but glitter shit and hope. And FUCK SHIT HOLIDAY WEATHER, man!! How's that fair? It's fucking global warming - nowhere is "safe" anymore. Hope the shitty weather picks up, try to kill the cold with cocktails and well done on not having your arm snapped off by an alligator.

It's a symptom of barren I think, but the fleeting thought crossed my mind that maybe somehow being attacked by an alligator would somehow have an impact on said barrenness? Don't judge me.

c'mon then kiwi you done another piss stick or what? Don't pretend it's not all you've thought about all day. Have you got a shitty pound shop nearby? They sell the ICs WOAH long time since I've used that abbreviation! don't they? Aww, I feel like a little "ttc cycle 3 what's wrong with me" n00b using all my new found acronyms. POAS kiwi CB, FRER, IC it makes no difference!

Piss, piss, pissssssss

Got a dinner party tonight. Really don't want to go, don't want to have to pretend to drink whilst they're all on it/ make conversation/pretend that all we're thinking about is wedding stuff. We've not even looked at wedding stuff! "Doing the medical thing" (our code) first. Thank god ive got the rest of the weekend just to wallow in my own misery.

Yeh kiwi piss piss piss!
Happy Easter bank holiday.
We are off to the big smoke for a few days, OH wants to take me up the shard 😀

Go up tomorrow if you can karla weather's going to be ok. Forecast gets shitter as weekend progresses. A bit like this barren business eh.

Never been taken up the shard, I shall have to address this with OH when I get in.... 😏

Good evening all! Just got baby bombed by a friend from university and then received a call from SIL to say she's being induced tomorrow (which is also my birthday, but that's neither here nor there).

Thus, I've got into my PJs, getting a cup of tea and heading to bed to read a trashy novel. Still suffering from an awful chest infection I've had for a month, my cycle is all over the place and I just want to hunker down and hibernate from a world i inhabit which is filled with women who are so bloody fertile. I hate feeling so bitter and down but it's so difficult. Just trying to be kind to myself. Might do a face mask.

Enjoy the Shard Icy - my DP works there!

Glittery dog shit all round.

bip the most I can say is that I hope tire finally getting the Old Fashioneds in because everything else about your past is so dreadful . From bleeding to head cold to rain to despair. That all sucks. Sorry there's nothing more I can say. Hear to listen though.

Welcome zenoush!

kiwi updates please! Just take thousands of tests! (PS I don't think a few drinks at the weekend will hurt, although we all know I'm a bit lax about abstinence).

Thanks for the "banking" cycle advice. Lots to think about. Given that there are so many random uncontrollable factors at play, I don't think it's possible to make a rational decision. Can only make an emotionally driven/ gut feel one. Banking cycle it is I think. I'm scared of how long it's taking. Feels like it would reduce that fear.

At the moment I'm going with the clinic nearest to us because convenience had made it less stressful. How much do ppl think tearing clinics and traveling makes a difference? Are they really very different? Bearing in mind I seem to be unexplained and we had a good cycle (apparently the miscarriage was just bad luck and the rest of my response was good).

Thanks potatoes 2ww is definitely sucking right now!

Bip, Zanoush it's feels much the same as us with friends. It's feels like we're hermits these days - all of our good friends now have children and have just fallen off the radar. They seem to have loads of time for new mummy friends but no time for childless friends they've known for over 20 years. We get the odd dinner invite but basically have to spend the night whispering and practically get ushered out the door by 9pm! I know I sound bitter and twisted but if we ever manage to get pregnant I just don't think I could fit in with them anymore - I'd feel like an intruder. Am I just developing a massive chip on my shoulder?!

As if the endless baby bombs aren't bad enough, we bought a house a year and a half ago in what we thought was an up and coming area of London - turns out it's just nappy valley! There was a street party last year and we were the only ones without kids, jesus did that get a lot of comments. Everyone seemed to have a baby strapped to their chest and more than one person joked that we need to get one too to fit in round here.... FFS can't escape it anywhere!!!

Sorry. Rant over!

Fingers crossed kiwi!

Annie you're not in Walthamstow by any chance are you...?

Annie I live in Nappy Valley too - you're not in Crouch End by any chance?

(No need to answer that btw - just the description seemed so very very familiar! )

Or Islington?

It's like an assault course with yummy mummies round my way

Decided to gamify the shit out of this miscarriage and give myself a point for every bump or buggy I see, a bit like Sonic the Hedgehog collecting rings.

And obviously points mean prizes so I am clearly going to have to buy myself something to cheer myself up. Obvs.

Haha! No, I'm in South East London- which I thought would be suitably grimey for it not to be an issue!

If it wasn't bad enough... I had egg collection last week and the nurse, who was busy getting my legs in stirrups, decided to make some small talk to put me at ease. Much to my horror, we discovered we are practically neighbours - lives on my street a few doors down! So I now have to run a gauntlet of not only smug yummy mummies but a lady who's looked up my foo foo too...

Haha Annie!!

OK icy it is playing on my mind rather I went to sainsburys to buy tests and felt really embarrassed just buying that! Felt like people were judging me and thinking I was accidentally upduffed (oh the irony).... I will piss and update you all. Thanks so much for being supportive. It's sad how DH and I are too afraid to be hopeful or excited, that's what this barren shit does to you.

bip I can see why you're feeling that way, it's totally understandable. I hope you can do some nice things on holiday- and yeah weather here will surely be worse! Sorry about the cold though I hate being sick on holiday