Christmas - a great way of telling the infertile they're a social pariah

[HesterShaw]

That's it really. I should have got used to it by now. But sister recently announced she's pregnant for the third time (totally unplanned, silly her, ha ha ha). That's three kids in the time we have just been wanting and failing to have just one. So despite trying not to appear so in front of me, DM is thrilled and can't/won't stop talking about it.

We're fed up of spending Christmas on the road (hundreds of miles over two weeks every sodding year) in order to be granted the honour of interacting with family members, and have recently moved into a lovely cottage near the sea, and wanted Christmas at home for once. Asked the PIL back in September if they'd like to come and they said "lovely yes please". It transpired that then SIL asked them to come to hers, and play happy families with her brood. PIL are very materialistic and love buying shit stuff for the GC so they said yes they'll go to hers instead. Didn't actually have the manners to let us know, just hoped we'd find out somehow, which we have.

Infertile people - don't think you're worth anything at Christmas. You have not procreated. Grandparents want to spoil grandchildren at Christmas and you have failed to produce any.

Wankers

If anyone wants to tell me I'm vile and bitter, don't bother.

Winks! Oh blimey.

Just everyone I love all at once.

How did you know I was here? HOW? Did the Barren Beacon go up?

Yes Norf, why ARE you XmasMN9502?

Norf that is truly great. I am in awe of your strength xxx

norfy your continuing survival is great news :) Funny you should pop up here, I was just wondering how you and hest were getting on.

It's like a BESH reunion. I'll get the gun...

Hmm
I don't think it's about you not having kids.
I think it's about your family being dicks.
Your xmas sounds idyllic. Enjoy! X

Or the gin even.....

Em, can I come to your cottage by the sea please?

Fucking hell nigel you frightened me there.

Anyway I shall back off out and stop derailing

😊 I like to keep us on our toes....

Nigel awesome typo (I hope!)

Wishing all you ladies well for the future

Badders my ILs can indeed be dickish, but this would not manifest itself nearly as obviously if we had obliged with the grandkids. Oh well!

No, all stay. All can come to my house by the sea. All can have gin. Thank you to all you lovely women who have posted to give me support. Truly appreciate it :)

Totally agree with you. Christmas for us is spent driving around everyone's (with children) homes, time slots dictated. Even at the panto the constant "boys and girls, mums and dads" was driving me nuts especially nowadays. Me being over sensitive? Probably! Also my brother has announced his fourth baby is on the way, one cousin has also announced her pregnancy, they are due a few days apart and a second cousin is gushing about planning for her second child. I am fully expected to be over joked for them all and am duley fulfilling the favourite auntie role. Demented.com. Your home by the sea sounds fantastic, I long for a quiet anti-social Christmas as well.

Over joyed not joked! Whoops.

Thank you Hester. Had to get a dog just to put people off with calling me a mad cat lady...
I have two, who are getting used to the dog. You are right they are indifferent, but when they kindly bestow affection on me it means something! But the puppy is so pleased and excited to see me he wets himself! Somehow it's very gratifying, even though the carpet needs shampooing!

Totally agree Herster. I will be pregnant this Christmas after four previous Christmases of infertility and feeling like I was another year older and my dream had slipped away that bit more. There is one other couple in our family who somehow manage to buy presents for all the kids despite having fertility issues and not being able to have any of their own, and everyone else just buys for all the kids and doesn't seem to realise this couple is forking out for everyone elses kids without getting anything in return year after year. Add that to the fact that another couple in our family are living off welfare yet have reproduced four children that I support all year through my tax and then have to buy four presents this year to give away more money when I would rather repay my own IVF debt so I can fund one child. Yep, I'm bitter too. Nice to have a rant.

That's the thing about dogs - they ADORE you! And they love life and bound around thinking everything is great. Whereas cats clearly don't give a fuck!

choco, God I thought I had a few too many extended family babies to deal with. That sounds so hard.

Oops, my last post was in response to the last comment on the first page - didn't realise this thread is now up to page 4. So just ignore my rant that seems so irrelevant with the current conversation!

Hester your inlaws sound like rude arses. Your Christmas sounds perfectly perfect. The only time DH and I had Christmas on our own was the year we'd had our first IVF failure and miscarriage. I was bloody dreading it but you know what? It was bloody brilliant. Pyjamas all day, a delicious lunch that didn't take long to wash up, a fuck load of chocolate and even more booze. It was great.

Have a fabulous Christmas. And bollocks to your dreadfully rude, insensitive piles.

No, shellster, don't go! Your post is very much to the point of the thread.

Hester, I was XmasMN9502 last Christmas because someone had nominated me for a MN Secret Santa thing. I don't know who, or why, but I was so grateful. Anyway, I had to use that name to say thank you.

Oh. I suppose that has sort of ruined the point of the secrecy and identity protectiony sort of thing. Oops.

Hey Hester. I'm sorry you've been so hurt.

Your new home sounds lovely and with the addition of Christmas fizz and friends it will be even lovelier.

We're opting out of Christmas this year, I sent round a short but hopefully gently worded email saying, we're not buying presents and please don't buy us any. I don't need the angst of present shopping and long distance travel after several IVF cycles and one miscarriage this year. I think most people understand. Fuck them if they don't. I am taking a pick n mix approach this year and only doing what I feel I can manage and enjoy. So far the sky has not fallen in and nobody has died.

OP, I'm on the south coast (used to be south west). DH is in the Navy so it goes with the territory. I was single for 8 years so I begrudge having to do stuff on my own again .

Do the fostering! We somehow managed to do it working around DH's navy life and me being self-employed. We're going through assessment again (having moved to an new area) but tbh we really want the kids we left behind! Seriously though, it's bloody hard work but amazing at the same time.

Hi Hester sorry to hear about your rude PILs - they are tossers! As everyone has said, your Christmas plans sound fabulous though :)

For the last 2 years we have gone to my BIL's house and my FIL is there as well, BIL has 2 kids. It's ok, very kid centric though which has been really hard! This year we are staying home, FIL is coming to us instead of going to BIL's.

I am really looking forward to being at home and there being no kids - especially as we're still waiting to start treatment (fingers crossed in Jan!)

fingers crossed iHaz, and merry Christmas!

Awww, I'd be sad not to see the occasional post from you lovely people come up in active. Not personally affected by infertility but a good friend struggled for years to conceive and I lurked here to try and understand what would be helpful and what not to say. Friend is now home with her 4 week old baby and I get my first visit tonight. So this is a very heartfelt thank you for all the inadvertent advice so I didn't fuck up a valued friendship. and a metric fuckton of and to you all.